Saturday, December 27, 2008

The Anatomy of the Break up

I finally understand now what my wife and friend meant when they said that they only just wanted me to choose them. Or rather me choose my wife and my friends husband just choose her. I suppose it is like that. I note some key things that went wrong with this relationship and in finality its break-up. At the very end with trust completely broken and everything there was only two things that I asked for that she moved out of THAT place and she represent me before the law and it would have been really nice for that to happen without me asking, prodding or begging, but alas it didn't and that translates into for me that I am just not that important. Without trust you are subjected to the other persons interpretations of your actions. We have no trust so the other persons actions are nothing but hostile. Everything is hostile and that is how important trust is. She doesn't want to give up her place and then be forced to have to go and look for a new one if things go badly which is understandable and I don't want to move into a place that I have had the cops called on me and the place that she moved to for her own personal "space". Bad connections all around. This can be stopped, but it is not. I could suck up my pride and say ok baby you are the sun, moon and stars and I will do anything to make it work, but that would be at the price of stripping all of my manhood and dignity and that really isn't a good situation. She could pack it up and move to where I want to move, but that would leave her vulnerable to my
"devious" plans if that is what she fears. So it follows the same track. Break-down of communication, violation of trust, lack of trust, ego inflation and inflexibility. It can be ended at anytime if someone would lean to one side, but in essence we are both saying I will do it when the other person bends and no one wants to be the first to do that. So that is how it will end. In the end the egos win out. My pride isn't bruised and her desires aren't compromised so in essence we both get what we want.

She will have other opportunities to go before the law and it will be interesting to see if it happens without movement from my side. What she wants I can give her IF she is with me, but I am not moving to that place. It doesn't have to end, but it is going to. I am confident she won't bend and I am confident that I won't either. Childish but it is effective at making a statement.

Friday, December 26, 2008

As if tears were currency

It is done, it has been said. We will settle and lay down this bed. The pain rolls in like waves at my reality. It seems as though we will look back on this years from now and think of how foolish we have been. My father told me that in the end of every divorce it is ego that is the culprit of the undoing. I am not going to bend and neither is she. There is no trust and it is evident. I am not going to move in to her place for my own personal reasons that are significant to me and she forgot to stand by me in front of the authorities and those were the only two things that I asked for. For her she is going to keep her place and perhaps she did oversleep. Maybe it was important for her, but I am not to guess. The pain cuts through me like a blade and I cannot officially function. There is no escape from this depression as tears assail me at every turn. There is no cool points earned here, no manly bravado protected. No I cry like a if it mattered.

In the end our egos both get what they wanted. I stood my ground about the gross disrespect that I am feeling and I was not disgraced by moving into her place and she was not humiliated by giving up her place which is the vanguard of her independence from me and she didn't have to do anything that she didn't want to do in the first place. So our egos win, maybe we will look back on it 20 years from now and say wow we were stupid, but then we probably won't be hurting and will be able to see clearly. We will tell others to tell their spouses the truth about their feelings because holding it all in is only going to make it worse. We will probably tell others to take their religion so that it is easy for them, but if they are consistent then insha Allah they will be successful.

I am not getting married again and I can say that at this moment in full confidence because my pain doesn't let me see anything else. My heart is completely broken and does not have any hope for anything vaguely romantic in the future. I am fine.

I went to Barnes and Nobles this morning after the sunrise and I was looking at Wedding Photography in hopes of getting some clues and I fell into tears and had to run out of the store. It was all mildly dramatic, but true. Oh well I hope she doesn't change her mind on the visitation. I can live with it. It isn't perfect, but I can live with it. Hopefully this will all be over soon. I believe that it is Allah that has prevented us from getting back together, because it seems that we tried and it just isn't working. It is broken and there is no fixing it. Unless she bends, because I am not and I'm sure she feels the same. That is what loss of trust will do for you. You know the whole put your gun down first thing.

Oh well that is one crown up for a shaytan.

Allah protects me in ways I cannot comprehend. I was invited out and I fell asleep, I think back to the Prophet SAAW when he tried to go and get his groove on and he fell asleep each time on the way to the festival and he finally gave up. Subhannallah. It didn't happen in that language, but the end result is the same. Prayer comes between a person and his sin. It just does.

The tears come as an assailant in and out time and again it is work to keep a straight face. Sometimes there just aren't enough bathroom stalls, or your car is too far, or that vicious dust spec always seems to fall just right in my eye.

Will it ever end.


I will not get depressed. I will not get depressed. I will not get depressed. I will not get depressed. I will not get depressed. I will not get depressed. I will not get depressed. I will not get depressed.

It is too late for that, but it has a catchy ring to it.

Life then slips into a new dawn, there is no quitting for this soldier, nothing but to move on
the day will not pause, It will not stop, this sorrow will go on, No break in this
No more happiness to hope for, No more silent bliss

I am Done.


Thursday, December 25, 2008

The Hurt is substantial

I called my Employee Assistance Program yesterday and I got cut off and they didn't call back. Maybe I will call them again today. I told them I was depressed, I guess this is the wrong time of year to get depressed. Sometimes you have to make a decision and stick to it. Earlier this week her and I got into a major argument that allowed me to unload all of my negative feelings and set the table straight as to how I was feeling. Everything that I should not have said, I said and even then I had some twisted kind of hope that this would all go away, but how could I be more wrong. I'm typing here because I don't feel that I have anyone else to talk to. Family is cool but sometimes you want to broaden your feedback or anonymize it. So I had hope and I basically boiled it down to two needs to even begin to build a foundation of trust between her and I. The first was she talk to whomever and go through the process of getting this case thrown out and second I was not moving into her house. My Mom has a rental property that is 3 bedroom that will fit our whole family instead of 6 people being crammed into a 2 bedroom apartment tearing it up and vanquishing any chance of a security deposit. Those were the two things I needed to move on. The truth had long been sacrificed as a necessity. I was going to go to counseling to cope with my issues and we were going to try to make it work. She knew of the appointment she had scheduled it weeks ago, she had reminded me she knew of it on that day, she knew the day, she knew the time, but when it came it just simply was too much of an inconvenience to remember it or extend that kind of kindness. What was left of my hope for us shattered in that moment of false surprise "That was Today!" my tears flowed like a river and the reality of my existence became manifest, now there is nothing but hurt. Good job and good-bye can be the only recompense.

Apparently I am simply not that important. I am now suddenly gripped with the reality that 6 years of my life and a love that I thought was real was just a mirage. That the commitment was merely a coping mechanism for another problem altogether. I only had a little and now I have nothing. I was in tears. I am simply not a priority in her life or apparently the life of my children as far as she is concerned. This "favor" was not something that was necessary at building any type of trust between us. So I think once and for all I need to set this down. She will go in for child-support I am sure and I will let one of the houses go so that I can pay it. I think she just needs to figure out whether or not she wants to play the family role and leave the kids in daycare all day or if she wants to be the single carefree girl. I'm not even trying to ask for child-support. I just want my kids. She just simply doesn't care about me and that is my reality, that is how I feel and that is the way that it is.

I'm done I have nothing for anyone. I cannot get into a relationship right now, I have nothing to give. I only have this rope of Allah and my Deen. The sadness is enduring, but I am alotted that. I wonder how long can I mourn this? 3 days, I'm going to need help. I'm done. This race has been lost.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Going Raw

I have seriously considered going completely Raw however I realize that I am not going to be able to do that completely. Honestly. So I began to really think about this whole

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Digital Frustration

There is nothing more irritating than finding out you are missing over 1000 ~ 2000 shots of stuff. I have been going through my pictures and sure enough I am missing about 2K shots of pictures that I took with my little Nikon E950 camera. My first foray into digital photography. All and all this little baby churned out over 10K shots. It missed a few choice shots as the auto focus would seek and search and the start up time would irritate me but all and all it did a great job of capturing awesome photos. I would still be using it if the battery door didn't break off and leave me having to find tape solutions to keep it closed.

I am so irritated about my shots that I have lost. Oh well it is all just stuff. I can't believe that I didn't have backups or maybe I did and accidentally deleted them. Oy Vay. This little camera took some awesome shots though I can't really say that I was disappointed with it. Still though I am irritated that my pictures are gone. You know how that is.

There were just some events that I missed and I wanted to go back and look at and then I was like hey wait a minute where are these pictures and those pictures and what about these and I was like OMG I am missing so many pictures. Uggh I will get over it.

So Hard

There is nothing distant about my pain. It follows me only to remove the scab that once sealed the wound. The tears that lie underneath this false smile can only serve to confuse those who think just a little. Maybe it is the Shaytan that stirs them, but they are no faint memory. Do you think about me? The question is asked and the answer is daily. I do best when I don't. There is no pain then, no questions rambling through my brain trying desperately to understand what happened. My love is there, but my heart is cold, but I do still love her as I reflect upon my father and mother. On the phone everyday it seems, but they have gone their separate ways. Their pain so far is fresh as the morning dew. Maybe for us it will be different. We are trying to do something else maybe, but nothing has really changed. All the pixie dust in the world can't hide the reality of what we have. Maybe it was always there now only clearer and more profound, without the trappings of honeydew eyes and words of syrup.

My pain remains, perhaps hers does too. Maybe I will never understand, perhaps I wasn't meant to. I have but one goal and that is where I must start. To be in the lives of my kids and whatever else will be will have to fall in around that, but that is my primary focus.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Small Kindness

I met her this morning at sunrise which was awesome by the way and this was her last day in the states she is going back to Estonia, in fact she just emailed me because she checked her mail. I took this picture for her with my camera and I thought it came out rather well. I am seriously thinking of taking my little hobby to the next level. I have thousands of pictures way too many to count.

There was something simple about this morning an even exchange of human kindness. She was actually trying to video tape the sunrise on her little camera and I told her to hold the camera like that into the sun was going to burn out her sensor. Which it is probably actually toast now because she was holding it for much longer than a few minutes.

Innocent exchanges are priceless, moments of kindness never last so you can only recreate them with a different perfect stranger that you don't want anything from. Some homeless men asked me for the time which I gladly gave them, but I didn't ask them to pose. I suppose I haven't gotten that bold yet, but one day. I admire Still's work this guy is awesome I should have studied with him when we were stationed together. Oh well you live and you learn and then you must decide which moments mean the most. Especially the boring and mundane ones.

Go out and do some small kindness. It can be addictive. I have to clean my Mom's whole house and wash all of the sheets and yada yada, but hey it is what it is. It will be trashed again soon. LOL, but hey I love her so what she did it for me when I was small. Alhamdulillah.

Monday, December 15, 2008

The Secret lives of Cows

My poor blog has been long neglected, but this day I take a pause for the cause to drop a note or two. Poetry flows into my life like a distant wind rustling nervously between two palm trees as I ponder life and Deen. To be offered all of the evils that the heart desires and to turn it down is saying something, but admittedly my duas serve me better than my willpower. If I had to actually say no, then I would probably be in a lot more trouble, but I have been having fun. Living life, living within my means. Not really cause I can't pay rent, but hey things are going ok. I owe my Mom like 6K now, but oh well I will pay her back, otherwise I will have to hear about it for the rest of my life.

I have been thinking about that Hadith where it is explained that there will be people that will do the actions of the people of paradise until they get to a point and start doing the actions of the people of hellfire and there will be people who do the actions of the people of hellfire until they get to a point and they start doing the actions of the people of paradise and wind up in either place respectively. I can totally see how that can happen now. Through anger and resentment, frustration, malice and hardening of heart and especially if it is all displaced how one can put the blame inappropriately onto Allah. Then in doing so reap havoc onto themselves. You always have to begin with the end in mind. As traumatic as this experience has been I have learned to let go, stand my ground and love my life just as it is. Stuff isn't as important anymore, just genuine help and caring and those things that are real in life.

Still moments like sunrises on a cool morning are things that last more than many others. Life really is only what is happening right now, this moment, this Salaat, this fast, this dhikr, this kindness. There are no next moments. AsSoofi ibnuhu waqtihi. The Sufi is the son of his moment. To realize what is important. These words, These expressions this embrace this sharing, this NOW is all that there is. Don't wait until tomorrow for there is no tomorrow and definitely not one without Insha Allah. We go on into the future one step at a time, one moment, one prayer slowly crawling into the future. Now is all that there is.


My photography is taking off. I did an event or two but I didn't get paid for them. Soon I will though. Holding myself back from Camera & Lens envy, because it is just stuff in the end. Stuff, how it used to shape my world. Now that my credit is shot it isn't important at all. It is just stuff, money, wealth, clothes, homes, businesses, property; it is all just stuff and as it is collected it becomes JUNK meaningless junk that has attached to it a memory that means something, but the memory has meaning the stuff does not. None of it has any worth that is not glorifying Allah. What where the three things that carry on? A Masjid, a thing of use or a righteous child. Other than that Stuff has no value. Build Masjids and libraries, but built without faith and fear of Allah it all reverts back to just Stuff.

DID you THINK that you could say that you believe with out being tested?

Yep it is in the book I didn't check which Surah but it is in there.

Fags, Freaks and Deviants of all sorts!!

I know some of my readers hate when I use that word but if some blacks call each other nigger I'm more than sure that some homosexuals call each other Fags so get over it. The Prophet said that as a man is before Islam he shall be after Islam. If you were a liar before Islam saying Ashadu Anla illaha Illallah is not going to magically change that characteristic. If you were a Fag before Islam becoming Muslim doesn't magically make you want to stop that practice after you utter the words. If you were a bigot or sunken in negativity prior to Islam you don't start to magically start becoming Mr. Positive and all encompassing after you utter the Shahadatain. It would be great but it doesn't work that way. So Sakinah and I are Quasi back together, well we are together but it is all f****ed up. I am confident that we will make it though, but it is still f***ed up. It is what it is. So I look at myself while I was single I could have done it all. Became a complete swinger and explored all of my freakiness (yes if you are a Freak before Islam you will still be a Freak after Islam) but I didn't and I think that is the key. Islam doesn't tell you that you can't it tells you how. Except for homosexuality I don't know how those guys and girls are going to cope. It will be a jihad for them as it is for every other sexual deviant. If you were an anal fiend before Islam that is going to be a test to stay away from it after Islam it will be especially hard if your wife is begging for it. If I were to go into polygamy it would be hard for me to abstain from doing the whole ménage a trios thing. It is that way though even in halal there is test of what you do and not do. Everyone is tested. Some are tested in some ways and others in other ways. Balance is often just out of reach and problems and drama spring up from all around.

I pray that all of the freaky Muslims out there are given the strength to abstain and hold on to the Rope and make it through to the other side. There is a halal outlet or a halal focus to keep us from that slippery slope that calls us all when the silence rolls in. Run until you are exhausted maybe in that is salvation. Running from the Hellfire is a full time job. Allah save us all from our mouths and our Loins.

Cows graze but at night Allah still sees them.

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Redefining Black

It is about time that BLACK needs to be redefined so let me begin...

There are a multitude of negative connotations associated with black as can be found in any dictionary and the larger the dictionary the more references and negative connotations abound. Such as:

Definitions of black on the Web:

  • being of the achromatic color of maximum darkness; having little or no hue owing to absorption of almost all incident light; "black leather ...
  • of or belonging to a racial group having dark skin especially of sub-Saharan African origin; "a great people--a black people--...injected new meaning and dignity into the veins of civilization"- Martin Luther King Jr.
  • marked by anger or resentment or hostility; "black looks"; "black words"
  • offering little or no hope; "the future looked black"; "prospects were bleak"; "Life in the Aran Islands has always been bleak and difficult"- J.M.Synge; "took a dim view of things"
  • stemming from evil characteristics or forces; wicked or dishonorable; "black deeds"; "a black lie"; "his black heart has concocted yet another black deed"; "Darth Vader of the dark side"; "a dark purpose"; "dark undercurrents of ethnic hostility"; "the scheme of some sinister intelligence bent ...
  • (of events) having extremely unfortunate or dire consequences; bringing ruin; "the stock market crashed on Black Friday"; "a calamitous defeat"; "the battle was a disastrous end to a disastrous campaign"; "such doctrines, if true, would be absolutely fatal to my theory"- Charles Darwin; "it is ...
  • (of the face) made black especially as with suffused blood; "a face black with fury"
  • the quality or state of the achromatic color of least lightness (bearing the least resemblance to white)
  • extremely dark; "a black moonless night"; "through the pitch-black woods"; "it was pitch-dark in the cellar"
  • total darkness: total absence of light; "they fumbled around in total darkness"; "in the black of night"
  • harshly ironic or sinister; "black humor"; "a grim joke"; "grim laughter"; "fun ranging from slapstick clowning ... to savage mordant wit"
  • British chemist who identified carbon dioxide and who formulated the concepts of specific heat and latent heat (1728-1799)
  • (of intelligence operations) deliberately misleading; "black propaganda"
  • popular child actress of the 1930's (born in 1928)
  • bootleg: distributed or sold illicitly; "the black economy pays no taxes"
  • a person with dark skin who comes from Africa (or whose ancestors came from Africa)
  • (used of conduct or character) deserving or bringing disgrace or shame; "Man...has written one of his blackest records as a destroyer on the oceanic islands"- Rachel Carson; "an ignominious retreat"; "inglorious defeat"; "an opprobrious monument to human greed"; "a shameful display of cowardice"
  • (board games) the darker pieces
  • (of coffee) without cream or sugar
  • blacken: make or become black; "The smoke blackened the ceiling"; "The ceiling blackened"
  • black clothing (worn as a sign of mourning); "the widow wore black"
  • soiled with dirt or soot; "with feet black from playing outdoors"; "his shirt was black within an hour"

So as you can see over the years and years of institutionalized racism how this tends to get out of hand. So let's REdefine BLACK because it is the primary term used to define African Americans in this country

Friday, November 28, 2008


The Sales!! The Hysteria!! The Nonsense!!

So it is BLACK FRIDAY and everyone is running out and buying stuff up like nonsense. (This whole starting posts thing and not getting past the first initial lines is starting to get annoying) So I went out and started looking around to see what I can see and I saw absolutely NOTHING of value. There was nothing that I needed. I didn't buy anything, well that isn't exactly true, I bought a pair of shoes for $10 which wasn't a real sale because I can get shoes for that price at WalMart everyday and a showerhead which I actually did need. My brother went out at 5am to buy stuff and he shopped all day and didn't buy anything. It is not like I have a ton of disposable income or anything. It is however amazing how things are just ridiculous like that. So away with the people of Black Friday. I was really going to buy some new jeans, but I really didn't need any. I'm not in impress mode. I still have my regular attire. Jeans and T-shirt and it is kind of universal 365 type of get up.

I'm looking forward to Eid though this time I will actually get to go. HooHah! So things are going great. Except for my badly neglected blog. I think I will start blogging by email, but when you do that you can't add the tags that I have recently started slapping on. Oh well. I don't think people use them anyway. Well that is all for today I have some other things I want to blog about, but I just don't have the time.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Where do Weekends Go?

Normally when I am feeling all chipper I blog everyday sometimes mega-blogs, but when I am out of it all or actually busy then I don't blog at all it seems. Such is the case with this weekend. Plenty happened and I had no time to blog about it. Friday I got off early and went to Jummah Alhamdulillah. After Jummah I went and made calls for my second job. Then went back for Maghrib and Isha. I had some wonderful talks with the brothers. Came home crashed and then woke up early for Fajr.

Blah Blah Blah yeah I'm still here, but I'm really disfractured right now. It is the only way that I can explain an A.D.D breakdown. It is the end of the cycle before I get everything back together again and start off at full steam ahead. I'm tired and sleepy, disconnected from others but focusing on Allah. Life goes on. They repossessed my car so that is one thing down.
I am thinking about just letting them take it all and then pay off my bills and everything. Take the houses. It would probably take me less time to pay off the difference of those loans that way than anything else. They say that after two or three years foreclosures come off your credit. So hell that may be an option.

Not blogging about my personals anymore as I have gave my word to Sakinah that I would come back and move back in. That is all that I am going to say on that. I don't want to be a part-time parent, but I trust in Allah for the best results. So that is it. I have some ideas that I want to write about, but I am just not organized to put them together. See you all around.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Chain Emails

You know you get them. One of your friends has to send them to you so I got this lovely story the other day from my cousin and I won't post it here because it isn't all relevant just the sign-off had that sticking flavor.

'Work like you don't need the money,

love like you've never been hurt, and

dance like you do when nobody's watching.'

It is the second one that really gets under the skin. Knowing that I love my wife, hating this fucked up situation, and trying to live the rest of my days. I am usually fine when she doesn't call and I would probably be doing worse if the no-contact order was lifted. So how do you go about loving like you have never been hurt? Especially when you are still hurting. Some of it is probably my fault. I keep wanting closure, she keeps saying she wants to put this whole ugly mess behind us. A big part of me wants to. I want to drink myself into a stupor (and I can't stand liquor) and just pretend this is all a bad dream. However there are just too many facts for that.

I don't want to start over. I don't want another relationship. I don't want to get married again. She is not going to give me my kids. I won't get married again. I'm done it hurts so bad, there are just some things that you can't fix. I can't be that husband again. The only thing I can be is a father. So I have to try to do the best that I can. Right now I just really miss my kids.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

How do you say that? Jyvskyl

I have readers from Finland and it showed me one day through my sitemeter account which I am always looking at for stats that their server is in Jyvskyl where exactly that is I have no idea in Finland no doubt but how exactly do you pronounce it? I'm sure it is a lovely place, full of crisp clean air and all I was just curious how would I go about pronouncing something like that. Wikipedia had no answers unless it is two words Jyv Skyl which is even more confusing by multiplying the confusing power of the first word by two. Hopefully my Finnish friend will shed some light on this syllabic query.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Getting to Closure

Closure is a very important part of the end of any relationship and obviously I am having issues. I know I keep saying that this is the last post but it is creeping closer to the end, I mean how many days has it been since the last this is the last time? So I am reading wikiHow and I come across this article and I start working through it.

I was going to post that process here but it would violate my disclosure principles. However my main issues are that I am very angry and wronged and I haven't laid that to rest. It resurfaces every time that I look through old photos or look at my children. I try to reconcile it by making excuses for her. I search her mental state because if this was all done by a stable person it would be even more insane. Then I concede that it was my fault, but I wasn't doing anything. Sometimes it happens though you are just sitting down minding your own business and then the number 32 bus splashes into that water puddle on the side of the road and completely drenches you. You have to move on, but just like that pigeon whose lover just got killed I keep coming back sitting at the bedside of my dead relationship then I get angry all over again.

Then there is the ever present fact that I STILL love her like nobody's business good grief. I look at those who have let their love go and then live the rest of their lives regretting it. I suppose I will be one of them. I was in love once and it was beautiful and she was my everything and she owned my heart and she still does and sorrow knows no rest in a true love lost. A love that was comforting on a winter night, but I shall not become obsessed. I asked Allah once and if my heart rests I can ask Him again and surely my Lord can give me something better than this. Surely my Lord can bring my heart rest. Surely my memory will fail me, but memory seldom remembers the bad in those whom you love and I have forgotten much, but the stinging memory of the betrayal goes on, on both sides I'm sure. Sakinah has an excellent quality for moving on, she just cuts off and forgets and does a complete purge of the offensive party from her system and lives on happily ever after. She deletes all memory of the person and calls it a day and it really doesn't matter who that person is. I suppose if I didn't love her so damned much it would be just as easy for me too.

In the steps to closure it really addresses persons that are single when they got together and are single when they leave and not really for married persons. The Steps and suggestions are:

· Define Loose Ends

· Forgive the other person

· Apologize

· Hold a ceremony.

· Write a Story.

· Begin a New Chapter

· Make a Video.

So I have done one and two. I have apologized several times for the things that I have done. I think I will hold one of those floating Japanese candle things for the funeral ceremony. Then I will write a story and it will be rather long I think and lots of pictures. I don’t know if I will post it or not, but I will write it. Maybe I will switch over to Wordpress and write it and allow a very select group of readers the password. Since everyone get soo upset with what I post and that would get into some very personal disclosures. I don’t mind disclosing stuff about myself but other people don’t feel the same way so where they are concerned I will treat them with discernment. Then I will make the video and that I may post. I do know that I don’t ever want to get married again. I’m good, I will be ok we are all going to be ok. This is all an Illusion and the only thing that matters is my relationship with Allah and in that I can find solace. Insha Allah.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

The amazing book!!

We Muslims have a comfort in this Quran of ours. If you study it from three spheres you cannot come away from it but in awe. If you study it as a secular course of study there is so many things to learn from it. the nature of the sea and the birds and animals. Plant life and other variations of science. I have been looking through it and wondering as a part of memory how it continually delivers the same message. Everytime I have read the Quran what ever was troubling me specifically it has rooted out and struck on the head. If you study it to understand what you need to do for your own self improvement it is very direct and to the point. It puts everything into perspective in a way that your own intelligence can understand. Lastly it tells you what you can realistically expect from the world. It explains to you in detail a psychology course like no other. It explains natures of group think. Pharoanic governmental schemes and much more. It is a complete book.

In my readings now that I am single there is a constant refrain. Do not have any part of Illegal Sexual Intercourse. I have been blessed that my desire is gone and I am not in a urgent need of female companionship. Life is going along well. I am able to focus on my goals. I just need to handle my business and move along. The next one that sticks out is that detach yourself from this world past what is necessary for survival. Focus on the process and not the end result. Live for the present moment and make that relevant so that tomorrow will take care of itself. There was an excellent wisdom in not telling humanity when the hour will come for if that was the case then surely we would have all waited for it with the intention to correct our deeds right before the end. This procrastination is inevitable. I procrastinate on things that will bring me good, I can only imagine the level of collective procrastination that we would endure if we all knew when the hour was going to be.

It is Time for Fajr. Salaams

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Reflecting on Quran

The Quran is an awesome book, but of course most of you know that. Today I was reading in Surah Ankabut what I had written in a previous post but I was paraphrasing so I wanted to give it to you all straight from the source.

Recite (O Muhammad) what has been revealed to you of the Book (the Quran) and perform As-Salaat (Iqamat-as-Salat). Verily, As-Salat (the prayer) prevents from Al-Fahsha' (i.e. great sins of every kind, unlawful sexual intercourse) and Al-Munkar (i.e. disbelief, polytheism, and every kind of evil wicked deed) and the remembering (praising) of (you by) Allah (in front of the angels) is greater indeed [than your remembering (praising) of Allah in prayers]. And Allah knows what you do.

That was what I was trying to say with my paraphrasing and the Prophet reiterated that in a hadith. There was another Ayat about have you seen him who follows his lusts and that was also a very key Ayat:

28:50 But if they hearken not to thee, know that they only follow their own lusts: and who is more astray than one who follow his own lusts, devoid of guidance from Allah. for Allah guides not people given to wrong-doing.
So I took in these two Ayat and toiled over them and how true they have been in my life. I look back to the time that I had girlfriends and I knew that it was wrong and I would go and pray and then enjoy their company and then go and pray and how it weighed on my heart. It tore me up inside because I had wanted to be on the level and marry them so that I wouldn't be out there like that and it would play on me. So I had to leave it and I ran into a relationship with my wife. It was an answer that Allah had specifically chosen this woman for me. She was an answer to my prayers.

So then I look now at my situation and now that I am single again I cannot willingly go into another relationship that I know is not going to go anywhere. I cannot in good conscience play the field so to speak. I know this and I have been surprised at the level of resolve my Lord has given me. When you make Salaat and you keep it and protect it then it becomes an effort to truly go out there and do something against Allah. Some things are easier to do even though you know they are wrong, but you still are aware that they are wrong and you feel something in your heart about it. So eventually you get to a point of acceptance and your Deen slips or you leave that thing altogether and you are exonerated for it. I look at my trials and how I have handled them. I think that I have done poorly in the area of resolve. When I wanted to divorce my wife earlier when these things started happening then I should have done that and moved on from there. This has not been an easy test for me. I have fallen into despair and cried out to my Lord and asked for increased understanding and patience. However over the whole of the entire test I think that I did rather poorly.

Now in the final hours of this I reflect and wonder where am I to go from here. I will have to do little girls hair from now on and I only fiddle with my hair when I have to comb it. That is when I know it has to come off and I cut it. So life is going on.

Today I went to the Masjid and prayed Fajr I was just in time. I am bummed because the moved the time back to 6am so that means either I have to pray at home or risk being late to work. After Fajr I stayed in the Masjid and read Quran. I have been knocking off Juz after Juz and I feel great about that. Then I went home and did some things on my new Linux system :) well it is not new I just got the Wireless to work. I am finding with linux you really have to know what it is that you are doing. Turns out that my last install of the system I corrupted my ownself by deleting some key things that it needed to function. There are several things that I like about Linux. One is that it is so clean and bright. The lines are all very clear and everything. Everything is represented in a very crisp appearance. Now that my internet is up and running on it I am really enjoying the fact that my hard drive isn't spinning all the time like it was under Vista. It is much faster, uses less processing power and does more. On the downside though if you do run into a hardware/software conflict you can spend days trying to fix it. That is the only bad thing that I can find to using Linux. Other than that though it is great. I will feel much better when I find out where different things are stored and where my stuff goes when I download something and then there is the problem of readily installing stuff. That can be frustrating.

So then I went to my Battery prevention class and we had a lively debate about the necessity of school intervention needed to prevent chidren from making major life changing mistakes. This topic has come up before about the necessity of teaching children positive coping skills at a young age. The facilitator mentioned that it needs to be a multi-pronged attack at equipping children with the necessary tools of life to prevent them from making bad decisions that will have life changing consequences. Then we got into a big theological discussion about the roots of Christianity and that was interesting but it was kind of one sided because I knew more, or at least spoke more. It was interesting nonetheless. I did a little Dawah for today and felt good about it.

Then I went to Costco and came home and napped. Naps are always a good thing. I am so tired even now and it is only barely 11pm. I need sleep. I have to write up my marks too and I have been dreading that and I really don't want to do it, but hey it is something that I must do.

My Mom needed to run some errands and so I ran them with her. I found out that my aunt married a man that is old enough to be her father, but she is happy and she has had a bad hand at love. So insha Allah this will work out for her. I am happy for her. My cousin used to go and cut their grass when he was in school. He was one of the places that was on his fixing list. He should have become an engineer and I suppose he still can. I knew her husband so it was refreshing to know that she finally had somebody.

My Mom is so giving when then visited with my cousins around the corner for a bit and then we went to my aunts that is blind and we visited for a bit and had another discussion about Deen where I went on about Deen in a more mutual discussion because my Mother and Aunt study the Bible. I elaborated on the stories of Isaac and Ishmael and that was nice. We had a good time and then we left from there and went and dropped some clothes off by an Adult Living Facility along with some sugar cane. I remember eating sugar cane on the farm as a young boy. It is always delicious, better than gum.

Then my Mom and I went on to the Masjid where they had family night and we had a great time. My Mom enjoyed herself and that was really all that I cared about. I think she has a contact for a boat for her fishing club. Which should be nice because her clubs current boat is broken most of the time. So they might rent it. She was really impressed with the sisters there. I was thinking that this is probably what my wife and her would be doing while I was in Bahrain but that didn't happen. It did a couple of times so I don't want to throw anyone under the bus. My Mom enjoyed herself then too. So who knows Allahu alim.

Then I came home and my Mom wanted me read this article about this German convert Sven K something or another Karsch, Kirsch I forget but in it he states that it is possible that Prophet Muhammad didn't exist it was in the Wall Street Journal. I said that was ridiculous given the vast history of Islam. I read the article and basically it is this guys opinion and he doesn't give anything further than that as an evidence other than he openly states that religion is a crutch for humanity. The oxymoron in this bleeds of the ridiculous of the ridiculous LUDA. Anyway he give no evidence for this claim, nothing concrete that he is basing his opinion on it is just a professor of Islamic studies that has apostated (although he claims that this epiphany has not shaken his faith in Islam) and has now made the news. It seems that these days to become famous you just need to apostate and have a position that would draw attention. Where are these famous apostates now though no where as I can find them. Even the Satanic verses guy has fallen off the map. I'm glad I read it though.

So that was my day how was yours?

Friday, November 14, 2008

Linux and loving it!!

So I have been trying to go to Linux for the longest time. Like since I was back in Bahrain. Unfortunately I had not been able to get my wireless card to work. I have an Atheros card and to get it working well you need to futz with it. Then there is also the daunting fact that I can't find anything in Linux.In windows you know that this is run with this file and this is run with that file so it is easy to work your way around stuff. With linux however if you don't know what you are looking for everything is hidden. It is cool though because I can write all of my own scripts and stuff. However if that isn't your cup of tea then you will want someone to configure it for you. You can do anything on Linux that you can do on another system there is just a learning curve that you havee to fiddle with first.

So far I am happy. My hard drive isn't spinning like a madman. They spinning n they spinning. If you don't know where that is from don't ask, My keyboard seems a tad more sensitive in linux as well. I am going to hang with it for as long as I can. So far I feel I am doing ok with it though. I just have to get my webcam to work. Everything else works but the webcamm so I have to fix that. Then it will work safely though I am sure of it. I have to go to bed now. I was up until 2 am last night futzing with this thing. So now that it works I'm good.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Reflecting on my Nature

I have to post again to get that priapism post from being the first thing you see when you come to my blog. I have wanted to post for a while and I have two really long posts in the works but I haven't had the time to post them.

Wow so many things I have been going through, but there is one saying that I keep coming back to. If you take care of Allah, He will take care of you and then the saying of the Prophet about Salaat. Where he says never give up the Salaat as it will come between a man and his evil deeds, I am paraphrasing terribly but the jist of it is that a man can't do both. He can't pray sincerely and do dirt he will either have to leave the prayer or leave the dirt, and that is where I am.

When I found that my marriage was irrevocably broken I was going to do it all. I was going to go out there and find some girl and get it on with, but Allah protects me from foolishness. There are several times that I have been given the opportunity to indulge in sexual activities that Allah has protected me from. I fell asleep, I lost the mood, It was impossible to hook-up. Doors closed and then I reflected, doors closed and then I reflected and I have come to a place of peace. Take care of Allah and He will take care of me.

I am at peace again. Going to the Masjid for Fajr and Isha definitely and that is very nice. The brothers there are so warm and welcoming. There was a period where I was very tempted to get out there and get it on, but that has passed. It is not something that I can do. I know I can't and if I did I wouldn't forgive myself and there is just no reason to welcome that kind of guilt into my life right now. No reason to get someone else involved in my life in a non-committed relationship. I know I wouldn't forgive myself, because I haven't forgiven myself from the last time. So that it is I focus on my Salaat and worry about reuniting with my children.

I was talking to a friend and he asked me if I wanted to get back with my wife and the truth is that I do, but she would not be happy and I would not be happy although we would want to be. I don't feel that I can tell her anything. I don't see her as a friend or even a person with my best interest in mind. Then there is the issue of the lies, and there comes a point of my OCD with the truth. Until I have it all laid out I will obsess over it until it has been resolved. The Quran says take them back in kindness or release them in kindness and I feel too much rage and anger and bitterness to be kind. Even though I may in earnest try my best, I can hear the snide remarks. I hear them every other song, every other movie, every other passing conversation, ever present under my breath and when it is not said you will hear it in my silence, hear it in my eyes. I know my wife it would drive her mad. She wants who I was before I got on the plane and now through a myriad of lies that person is dead and the only thing left is this pile of crap. I do love her with all of my heart, but this is dead. My love will go on, but I know that the comments are there, they are there in my very presence. My accusations are here in my silence, so I know that she can feel it. She is a princess and she will not deign to be treated like a commoner. So it is dead at least for a while, but Allah can send water to a land that is barren and out of it bring fresh fruits.

When I think about it, I just get so angry so the best thing to do is to let it go and years down the road when the pain is forgotten and more of life's lessons have been learned then who knows. Allahu Alim, but all of my prayers to Him were answered and those answers led me here today. So we will see. Radical forgiveness necessitates a level of faith that I haven't attained yet. I have been depressed and angry and spiteful and bitter and that is no where to be trying to rebuild a relationship with a massive amount of broken trust. I am just being honest.

So onward with my Deen, onward with life, I will smile, I will live, I will pray. I will raise and teach our kids and they will be loved. One God, One Love, One destiny.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Reflections on single life

Slowly and surely it is starting to sink in. That I am single. I went to Applebee's tonight for their military appreciation meal. My food was free, my drink wasn't Kiwi Strawberry drank. LOL. So as I sat there reading through my Montessori in the Classroom book by Laura Polk Lillard and reflecting back on my relationship (I know I said I wasn't going to say anything else about it). It rang through my head that Lies will destroy everything you love. You can get deep into it and reflect on belief vs. Disbelief, but tonight wasn't that kind of night for me. Tonight I was just thinking about my kids, my marriage and my life. I sat there in my stall alone reading how children learn language effectively in an indirect way. It was very interesting and then I went on to practice some drills out of my Break-through rapid reading by Peter Kump and I found out that I am a woefully inadequate reader. 120 words a minute and even less than that in comprehension. It could have been that it was late and my brain had slowed down but still that is like the bottom of the barrel in reading and comprehension. So I will have to do something about it.

I had started writing this post on this day but I didn't finish and now I forget the thrust of what it was that I was writing. I am writing this on 11/18/2008 but the post date is on the day that I started. I hate that. When you start writing you should just finish so that it is all good. I was definitely depressed and reflective on that day. Sakinah makes it look so easy, she just stops and moves on and I realize what my problem is. I want justice, but there is no justice to be had it is just over that is all. It is just over and I am sad, but life will go on. It doesn't stop just because you had a bad day and if you don't change your attitude about it you will have a bad day tomorrow as well. I'm sure I will pick this thread up somewhere in the future. We will see.

Saturday, November 08, 2008


So last night I got my blanket. I got my pillow. I was looking for my sleeping bag but I couldn't find it and that is bothering me now. I don't know where it is. So I was prepared to leave and then. My Mom asked me to show her how to use her new nutrition scale so I did and then I plopped down on the couch to read through the manual to pick up any additional tidbits of information and guess what? I fell asleep. No cover or blankets or anything. So I woke up at 4am and I had thought that I should just go but I had a case of Priapism and I wasn't going out like that. So I lay down and it didn't it stayed just like it was and it is now going on 7am so it has been going good now for a while. It always sucks and I have learned over the years things that work and things that don't in making it go down. Masturbation doesn't work. You would think that it would but it doesn't all you get left with is a regular orgasm and then it gets very sore and really hurts bad. So if you have it don't do that. What I have found that works best is exercise. Running, jumping jacks but something that is going to use a lot of blood and energy. Even then though I have had cases where that doesn't work either, but I don't want to go to the hospital over it. I left my running shoes at work so Hmmm what do I do now. I guess I will have to go get them. It will eventually go down though...eventually.

It is always welcomed to see it go away. Probably when I'm ninety I will wish for a good case of it, but the jacked up thing is this sex isn't normal when you have it. It doesn't feel like anything you want to experience and after you feel like an acupuncturist stuck needles all over your stuff and it still will not have gone down, now the pain is just more intense. It so sucks. Oh well such is life. I missed fajr at the Masjid so I hope to meet up with the Tablighi brothers tonight. If it has gone down by them. I think my record was 9 hours.

Friday, November 07, 2008


So I got the Kunta Kente band off of my foot. Yay to that right so I'm free to do whatever when ever right? Ah but I'm a Muslim so what does that mean exactly. Well for me it means that I'm not going to hang out with people at work because I don't want to be the Designated Driver to a night of wanton debauchery and senseless drinking. I don't feel like carrying drunkards around trying to sober them up while avoiding projectile vomiting. So that is out. I don't do clubs, hanging around people trying to be someone that they are not whilst interrupting girls trying to have a good time. I'm not trying to pick anyone else up so the club and or Barnes & Noble or the trendy Starbucks are out too. I'm new in town so I have my family and their friends and they are all busy, and or I don't want to go from one house sitting to another house sitting. Muslims never invite single people into their midst, because all Muslims are married you know and the single Muslims aren't any where you can meet them to hang out. So you are kind of stuck in this complete isolation bubble. Or at least I am because I suppose I'm kind of anti-social. That is one good thing about marriage, all the friends none of the conversation to get them. LOL.

So anyway it is Friday night and I don't know what to do with myself. So after Isha what happens the Tabligh is in town going out for the sake of Allah. Now personally I really don't get all into the Tablighi doctrine, but tonight I am seriously thinking about going to the Masjid. After my series of dark Pervy thoughts I know I need it. So they have come to the rescue. I suppose I am at that point where I could either run into the arms of Allah or make excuses to indulge my vices so guess what. I'm going to the Masjid.


Thursday, November 06, 2008

A heart once saved

So tonight I had to get out of this room, so I left. I went to the Masjid and prayed and tried to go by this electronics store but it was closed. Then I went to Barnes & Nobles close to my wife’s house. I suppose it was in hopes of catching a glimpse of her and I stayed a little while. It is 2 miles outside of my bubble so I couldn’t get in trouble. I just figured she might be there tonight. However reality got the better of me and I knew that it was no place for me to be. So I left. Had I seen her it would have only ended in a good heart-shattering and that is just something that I really don’t need in my life right now. So I hauled ass out of there. I have enough problems dealing with my heartache than to try to catch glimpses of my wife.


Then I reflect the fact that there is no more us. She wants me back and my heart wants to come back, but my intellect cannot reconcile the lies, my heart doesn’t really care, but my mind does and it has been that way from the beginning. That is the struggle that you are seeing in me the wavering back and forth between my heart and my intellect. If she would have told me the truth upfront and kept on telling it and never lied to me we would never be here, regardless of how bad the truth was, I believe that. However I know me and as long as I am being lied to, I will be angry and then I know for a fact that this will never work. I feel she has a justification for lying, I suppose if I were in her shoes with her baggage I would lie too, but she knows me and she knows that I can’t operate with lies and where we are now is proof of that. Everything else is negotiable, lies are not.


So I left and I went to Starbucks and paid almost 4 bucks for a poorly made Frapaccino and that is the last $4 I will spend at that establishment. It is over rated. I like Costa Coffee much better, but they don’t have those in the states.


Life alone Yee Haah Oy what fun.

Forgiving Heart

I have been given a lot of good advice over these last few months and all of it have valid points. When my heart inclines to her I am given evidence of why I should stay my present course. I know that without the full truth I cannot go further. Leaving is the safest stance and it is the surest stance for me to take and in many respects the easiest, but it is not as easy as it looks, because I still love her. For those who say that I should leave and not look back because of what has been done to me they have a point. Then there are those who say to stay because you love her and you have a beautiful family together and it would be the best for all involved, and they have a point too. In the end the decision is ultimately mine, but in order to proceed I must have the full truth so that I can internalize it, process it, become at peace with it and then deal with it. Without this I cannot go on. The last time we spoke there were glimpses of it and my heart again inclined, but I stood fast. Forgiveness is not a problem. I have a forgiving heart and my heart has continued to look for excuses for her, from her childhood ghosts to her skeletons in her closet my heart forgives her at every turn, but my mind becomes enraged at the unsettled facts. If she were to come to me and tell me the full unadulterated truth with all of its ugliness then I could take her back and be at peace, but she has to lie to convince herself that the facts do not exist, because that would probably be too traumatic, so I worry for her because I see that she doesn’t know how to heal and I fear for her a hell of recycled pain as this life plays on repeat.


I know that I could do anything to make it work, but my displaced truths leave me bitter. If I only had the truth I could truly forgive everything and my heart and my mind would finally be at peace.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Reflections in history: The Obama Victory

Obama has won the presidency and some thought that it was a surprise. I was not of them as I believe that strategically it is a good move for those who are actually in charge. I suspect in this presidency we will see sweeping socialist changes. Why because people will still be in the euphoria of a historic victory. I find it no surprise that the two leaders that were to lead the Democratic Party were a woman and a black man. These two images represent two drastic diversions to the represented norm. A win will psychologically affect an opiate euphoria of the masses that will easily allow many social programs to become easily integrated into the common populace of group think. Group think is a powerful social concept that represents herd mentality. The Herd has been a common control term that has been used since England. It stands for the common people regardless of color or ethnic background, education or financial status. Who lost during the end of Bush's term, everyone who wasn't in the inner circle? So what the effect of a knee-jerk control mechanism is that you have a herd following the tune of a new drummer that is being controlled by the same owner.

Do I know what programs are on the line? No not really, but the policy is already set, the new regime will look just like the old one, but the news will report it differently. So we begin our descent into the plan of the few for the many. More prisons, more corporate pay-offs, National Id cards, less benefits, more corruption. Obama is destined to be a patsy. Watch. Don't criticize just watch, then you can say Muhammad told you so.

Monday, November 03, 2008

Too Damn Funny!!!

You have to open it up to get the full effect. It is funny though. Why black women aren't afraid of ghosts.

Thursday, October 30, 2008


Well Not really. Today I went to court and my lawyer showed up Yay!! I got released from the monitor but all other things remain the same. I can't go within a mile of my wife and the kids and that is ok except for the kids part. So I am free to roam so I roamed and now I'm bushed. I went to the Masjid, I went to the Movies and saw Eagle Eye. I went to Cold Stone and had some ice cream. I went to the post office and I just relaxed. I went and saw a new lawyer and he looked promising. But I don't have any money to pay him. So I am off. I will start looking for a job next week. Probably something in security. I would love to do something in computers but hey it is what it is.Maybe if I could find something from 9-5 at night would be great. I could come home and sleep and then go to work. I hope to find something by the end of next week. make dua for me. I'm still working at my other job too so I will be hitting that too. Work any which way but loose I have got to do. Uggh. But hey I won't have my kids so I really won't need the sleep. I'll probably work all month just to pay my rent. Oh well. Well I'm free somewhat and that is all that really matters today.


Monday, October 27, 2008

Don't Get Scared Get Mad!!!

The Jews said Never Again. Well Here we are...Again and where are the Jews? Then again they really weren't in charge in the first place. We are living in serious times, great times. We are living in the times of great potential Islamic glory, Christian glory, Jewish glory, glory in standing out for faith. People like you and me, just ordinary people. Looking to make a change. Doing something, but the first thing that has to be done is that people need to be woken up. People need to know that there is a storm on the horizon and it is not slowing down anytime soon. As information leaks become more problematic to deal with the necessity for immediate and brutal action becomes more and more imminent.

The signs for an American Dictatorship are here and present. There lies a lot of time between here and the time the next president takes office to declare martial law. If martial law is claimed then there lies a very good possibility that we can be stuck with Bush forever. It is not improbable and people I suppose don't think that this is a very big deal, but there is the problematic looming fact that they want to reduce the worlds population to about 5 million people. That being the case it really won't matter that you are white, a African American, German, mildly wealthy or anything else. What will matter is that only a few slaves will be needed and the rest due to some fabricated situation can be effectively killed off.

What really scares me is a possible Auschwitz type of situation. There is a large portion of African American Males in the prison system. The prison system is one of the largest growing infrastructures in America. Those people are immobile and vulnerable to mass executions. Prisoners without family or disinterested family can at any time be quietly transferred and never heard of again. There is nothing to say that inceneraries cannot be installed next to the prison to dispose of a surprise biological outbreak.

There are many ways that we can speculate, more like stratagize how the complete seizing of America can take place, but seriously we need to wake up because it will ripple into everyones lives. Everyones lives.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Malcolm X: Ballot or the Bullet

On the precipice of the election I had to post this. All of my parents and African Americans of the older generation wants me to vote for Obama. Honestly I know for a fact that isn't going to help anything because neither he nor John McCain is actually in charge. The same people are in charge are still in charge and will still be in charge until this experience known of America is long gone. Then everyone who believes they are some how liberated and living in an egalitarian society is fooled and are in fact marching happy headlong into a new kind of hell only to stand up long after it is way too late to finally figure out what is going on.

That is just my opinion. Obama is a strategic move, nothing more, just like 9/11 he will gloss over the eyes of the people.

Fighting Depression

When I got divorced the first time I made an oath to myself to not get depressed. I worked out, did things for myself and hung out with guys from work. I was active in the Muslim community and I had a chance to refocus a lot of negative energy. This time has not been so easy. I am on lock down, my movements are restricted. I can't go to the Masjid. I can't see my kids and I am unhappy in my job. I've been reading and doing projects but I haven't been very successful at getting my mind off of the situation at hand. After the court situation is done it should be much easier to battle the effects of depression. I just need to have a positive attitude. After I can see my kids again things will be better as well.

I know she is an upwardly mobile woman. I just want my kids. She wouldn't have to pay child support. She can keep the taxes. She can keep the houses she can keep my pension she can keep everything I have in this life if she would just give me my kids. I don't want anything but them. She can come and visit them whenever she wants I would never keep them from her. My kids are all I have and care about in this life.

I should have never forced her to take them that weekend. She didn't want them that Sunday, she wasn't prepared for them, she had other plans, but she was telling me one thing and was anxious for me to pick them up again. For 6 years she told everyone that we knew that if there was ever a divorce I would keep my kids, all of them even hers and I will still do that. I just want my kids. They are not a burden and I will gladly wake up at 4 in the morning to take care of them, prepare their lunch and get them out for the day. What does she want me to sacrifice?

With my first wife I was very compassionate, she had gone through a terrible divorce before and we had made agreements that I believed her in. Only to find out later that she lied. However she will have to face Allah for that. She made an oath and I left it at that. Then she turned on her oath so I am very leery about that again. I don't have my children however now so I will have to face that reality. The truth is that the last arrangement that she proposed works for me. It sucks but it is much better than a lot of other arrangements so I am happy with it for now. I hope that it doesn't deteriorate from here though. Insha Allah I will be able to see them at other times outside of this situation. So I will make it. The only thing that I really have to worry about is losing my job. That is the only thing that is a problem. So I need to make a transition from a couple of different states. Married to single, family man to visiting parent, Dual Parent to single-parent changes in life come at us and we have to deal with them.

Depression is a tricky animal, but I have beaten it in the past and I can beat it again. You have to be careful though because the pain that you feel and the reality of a life that you once had can always through you back into full depression. It can be something as small as a call or an email and then life is back in turmoil. Now though is nice, I don't return to it unless I check her blog or the pictures of our life come up on my computer so I just need to take that down. So I am working on that. Soon it is going to all be over. She is willing to just agree so it should go by pretty smoothly. I will beat depression. I will things are going to be good. I just look forward to getting this thing off of my foot now and taking my picture of the Sunset. I will make a day of that. Maybe I will get both sunrise and sunset and make a day of it.

I do have to get out of my room though. That is depressing in and of itself.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

I had to post this

The flow is awesome and you just have to appreciate it. Jill Scott and Mos Def.

Ho Hum Moving on...

Fighting depression is a tricky thing. For the last two weeks I was really down. I was really in bad shape. I have to get out of this room. It would be so different if I could leave this stupid room. I have kept myself busy reading and studying what I can, but it is nothing like fresh air. I could only imagine if I actually spent all of this time in jail. And that could still happen I'm not in the clear yet. One minor mishap could land me in the slammer. I always do fine when I know nothing about her, but reflecting on what we had always brings tears. I suppose it is a self induced roller coaster of pain. I suppose people who just burn everything and move on are in much better shape. I had thought I was at that point many times. I suppose my talking about it just exacerbated the pain. Well it took a while but I got the picture. The days will turn to years and years will dull the pain, but those thorns will blow through every once in a while when looking into my childs eyes.

I have no hard feelings. She had to do what she had to do I suppose. But alas I have to pick myself up out of yet another funk and move the hell on. Stop dwelling on the past and get on with my life cause this shiznits has got to stop. So on to activism and Real Estate and getting my stuff onto one plate. The last we spoke I found that she was willing to do an even split and the only thing that we ever were in disagreement with was the visitation/ custody issue. Now I don't care so we can move on. I'm sorry if my depression caused a little blip on the radar. Life goes on and we will be ok. I fear for my little ones, but that is only natural. I got to keep on keeping on. So enough of my sob stories now on to the things that I really think about, or should think about.


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Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Even after all of this my heart still does not care...

You'll never know how much I really feel for you, and that........ I love you. Maybe in our next life baby. When she stares at your mouth [ Kiss her ] When she pushes you or hits you like a dumb ass cuz she thinks shes stronger than you [ Grab her and dont let go ] When she starts cursing at you tryin to act all tuff [ Kiss her and tell her you love her ] When she's quiet [ Ask her whats wrong ] When she ignores you [ Give her your attention ] When she pulls away [ Pull her back ] When you see her at her worst [ Tell her she's beautiful ] WHen you see her start crying [Just hold her and dont say a word ] When you see her walking [ Sneak up and hug her waist from behind ] When she's scared [ Protect her ] When she steals your favorite hat [ Let her keep it and sleep with it for a night ] When she teases you [ Tease her back and make her laugh ] When she doesn't answer for a long time [ reassure her that everything is okay ] When she looks at you with doubt [ Back yourself up ] When she says that she likes you [she really does more than you can understand] When she grabs at your hands [ Hold her's and play with her fingers ] When she bumps into you; [ bump into her back and make her laugh ] When she tells you a secret [ keep it safe and untold ] When she looks at you in your eyes [ dont look away until she does ] When she says it's over [ she still wants you to be hers ] When she reposts this bulletin [ she wants you to read it ] - Stay on the phone with her even if she's not saying anything - When she's mad hug her tight and don't let go - When she says she's ok dont believe it, talk with her because 10 yrs later she'll remember you - Call her at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her -Treat her like she's all that matters to you. - Stay up all night with her when she's sick. - Watch her favorite movie with her or her favorite show even if you think it's stupid - Give her the world. - Let her wear your clothes -When she's bored and sad, hang out with her - Let her know she's important. - Don't talk about other girls around her - Kiss her in the pouring rain - When she runs up to you crying, the first thing you say is; "Whose ass am I kicking baby?" If you do post this in the next four minutes the one you love will : Call you..... Kiss you..... Love you....... Text you..........

When she's hurt you immeasurably try to understand, When her life is spiraling out of control try to hold her hand, When she lies to hide her shame encourage her to tell the truth so she can heal, When she tries to stuff her feelings draw them out of her, When she rubs her eyebrows raw tell her that everything is going to be okay, When she's crying uncontrollably tell her everything is going to be alright, When she forces herself to stay awake to talk to you carry her into bed and put her down and then cuddle with her until morning, when she's gone and fucked the marriage up beyond all get out tell her that you still love her. Tell her that the offer still stands until she's old and gray.

Speaking from the heart, because it doesn't give a fuck.

Let's Just get it over with...

The days and the hours are dwindling down. Hopefully I will get to see my children soon. My Domestic Violence lawyer is a loser or at least not very communicative. I need the divorce to go ahead and go through and I don't know what is going to happen to my job. The house that she wants is going into foreclosure on the 2nd. I don't have the money to save it that's going to go on OUR credit. She said she wanted it and I sent her the bills, but she never paid it so I have been trying to save it the best I can. When the divorce is over she will take over payments but I really don't see how just like I don't see how there is going to be any meaningful money left for me or her to pay child support. Which won't happen right now because neither she nor I can afford it. I posted over a month ago that I was willing to sign whatever so that she can go on and live her life in all of the excitement that it entails. Now she is struggling she says reading her blog, but for the last 6 years of our married life she has told me that I was going to have the kids upon divorce and she just wanted to be able to drop by whenever she wanted to and I was fine with that and I still am. For 6 years all the way up to and after the point that I had come home that was the case. She was leaving me with the kids. She wasn't going to take them from me. Had I done things differently I would have had a very different life. I think back to if only her apartment had a key, or maybe if I would have just left the babysitter there at the house I wouldn't be going through this, but Allah has a plan for everything.

I'm not trying to keep the kids from her. I just want my kids that is all that I ever wanted. If I lose my job I will become homeless and just follow her around just so that I can be with them. At the end of the day all of the Stuff in the world doesn't matter. I don't want prestige, I don't want wealth, I don't even want dignity. I just want my kids. If she wants me to take her back that's fine. Just give me my kids. She can even keep her coping mechanisms I don't even care at this point. I just want my kids.

A lot of stuff gets dropped in divorce there are a lot of talks that you could have with your kids that you just can't have anymore. So I think I will start a blog just for them. I will write for them all of the letters and explain all of the feelings that I have had for them and all of the experiences that I missed. This blog stands as a testimony for them when it gets time for them to read it, but this new blog will be for just them. I think I will do that today.

I miss my kids. If I could have done it all different I would have never left their side. At this point I am just ready to get this over with so that I can get on with life. I had hope, that she would have faced some things, but that never happened so it is what it is. Over. I just want to sign the papers now so we can both move on.

I just want my kids.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Break up Language

My wife wrote me a letter today that was short and sweet and it pretty much said leave me alone forever. You don't want me or to do anything to make it work again just talk to me about the kids, so long see you bye. I can't write her back, but I can tell all of you.

Well in all honesty that just isn't true. I do miss my marriage, I was happy I was whole I was dedicated to living the rest of my life with this person whether or not polygamy ever came into the picture or not. She has done outrageous things to cause me an unmeasurable amount of pain and honestly it would be wise to just walk away, but after all of the pain and all of the lies and all of the backstabbing things and control freak mechanisms that she has extolled to get her way at the end of the day my heart the one that is falling out of my chest, doesn't really care. That is just to be honest and truthful about the whole situation.

Funny thing love isn't it? I guess you have to come to a point between sanity of life and the insanity of the relationship and then you have to decide what you are going to do. I haven't talked much and she hasn't been patient, but that is fine. I'm not being wishy washy about it. I'm hurt and I definitely don't want to go through that nonsense again or worse. Maybe this isn't love at all, maybe it is some kind of dependency like crack or Ice or something much more sinister.

Well to say it out loud, I do love you and I do care, but your coping mechanisms I can't live with. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about my kids and how much I want to be apart of their lives and I don't think about coming back just so that I can raise them. Women all over the world do it and bear their circumstance. If my kids are really that important to me I should. I know she knew that without my kids there would be no considerations of this nature. No wavering of heart. I wouldn't think about the greater good of the world, I would just let her enjoy her freedom in peace and let her do whatever it was she really wanted to do with herself and not get in her way and definitely not come between her and her endless amount of friends. However I don't have my little ones and so I am stuck here in this roller coaster of emotional control. I miss my kids and that is the truth. I miss my marriage too, but in light of the current mountain of facts in front of me and the jarring lies that have been told, I can live without that for the rest of my days, but my kids I cannot live without for another minute. I miss them so much and I can't bear to be without them any longer. I love my kids.

This divorce game works the same way the world over. Promises are made and then broken and then made again and the distance and the circumstance of life draws the family further and further apart. New opportunities, new duty stations, new relationships all culminate in a further breakdown of a house broken down. We may mean well, but it is the nature of the beast. Maybe I'll adopt some kids in the future when I get back on my feet. There won't be a mother to take them away and I can raise them. Maybe I will be alone for the rest of my days and become a teacher so that I can watch kids grow and learn. Maybe I'll become a surrogate parent and raise someone else's kids so that I can enjoy at least once these precious years. Maybe I will go on craigslist and become a rent-a-dad, but I couldn't charge. I miss my children, and I don't want their individuality crushed by this schoolhouse that Rockefeller, Carnegie and JP Morgan built. To turn my kids into drones of a heartless society, constantly looking for the favor of strangers and never once finding themselves a senseless emptiness on the barren wasteland of America. It is happening already as they are imprisoned in the homes of babysitters they don't know, Schoolhouses that have no outlook for their rich personality. They have been stripped for the first time in their lives the love of a love filled home and I can't stand it. I miss my kids, and I miss my vision of marriage too. I was completely and utterly fooled. Oblivious to her coping mechanisms in their vast entirety. I was a happy fool and I was completely blind and now that I can see I am forced to weigh the reality of my relationship with the love of my kids and decide where I am to go on from there.

After you've watched the other one...

Watch this one. They want to kill us all.

It is reasons like this that make me think to hell with it all and take Sakinah back. To protect my family and raise my children to be free of the system. It would definitely be looking at the bigger picture. Not everyone sees things like I do. People have been so dumbed down for so long, but looking at the situation globally everything fits neatly into place. The Aids and ebola epidemics. The massive race based wars. Global terrorism, famine, rape, poverty, destruction of families are all on a consentual path of global population reduction. The increased police forces, the surge of the military, the growth in the prison sector are all key bits to a world of complete and utter world domination. The patriot act, the attack on religion disguised as an attack on Islam drawn out in complete bait and switch manner. These things make me wonder how they will manuever this new world order into place.

A lot of support is written up for Barack Obama and he emphatically looks like the new president. He is courted by policy makers such as Henry Kissinger and Zbigniew Brezinski. People who have no favor for the third world, humanity or Islam and we expect a change. Population reduction is the agenda of the global elite so it would be no surprise to me what would happen in the next coming years. I will post something when I get home about the importance of the Obama years or days depending on what the ultimate agenda is.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Being at peace with truth

A lot of people chide me on my current I'm a polygamist stance, they may think that I've thrown away my marriage over a fantasy. However everyone is responsible for their own actions. I accept responsibility in my part in the destruction of my family. However my family is destroyed now so I have to take a long hard look at myself. There are several options that I can choose to take. Get married again and not open up and let my wife know anything about me. Stop blogging publicly and become very reserved about who I really am. Resist my temptations and focus my energies elsewhere. I could do that. I could choose not to get married again at all remembering all of this pain that I am now in. I could choose to beg Sakinah to take me back, or accept her offers and I have thought seriously about it. Every time I do though something happens to change my mind and keep us on this present course.

Why have I taken a stand and come out and openly said that I am a polygamist? Well there are several reasons involved in that decision. First and foremost it has been a subject that has been scapegoated in both relationships. In any relationship there is hardly one factor that causes a breakdown. My first wife and I had problems long before polygamy. We had communication problems and finances were also an issue. That breakdown raged on because I couldn't talk to her at all. I couldn't have an exchange of words and I refuse to talk over people so our communication was one sided. Then it broke down which exacerbated when polygamy was mentioned. It has been a long time so I am not going to get in on the intimate details because at this point frankly I don't remember them. Sakinah and I had different problems, but those problems where there on the underlying surface. We were working through them and polygamy wasn't that big of an issue because we had an understanding and an agreement and I kept my end of the bargain.

Now looking at going back into the marriage pool somewhere down the line I choose to take the position that I am in because I don't want to go through this again. I feel that if I never get married again that is more than fine. I will be fine and I will be okay. If I do however decide that I am in a position to get married then I am going to tell it like it is. I feel that if I am honest and forthright and upfront about my strengths and my weaknesses then that person can make a conscience choice of whether or not they want to be with me. That goes for everyone, Sakinah included. Then they can decide if they want to be in that kind of relationship or not. Instead of ambushing them with the reality later on down the line. I feel that it is a more honorable position to take than to put someone through this drama unwittingly. I don't see what is so wrong about being honest with myself and others.

What has this effectively done. My marriage with Sakinah is over so it doesn't affect her and even if she wanted to come back she already knows that this is not a secret. My other ex wife knows this so it doesn't affect her either. So the only people this affects are people I haven't met yet that would consider marrying me. So right off the bat it excludes all women who don't want to have anything to do with polygamy. So I won't be hurting any of them. It doesn't affect any woman who is already married. So that brings the number of people that it can actually affect down to those women who are not married and are willing to marry a kind and loving brother who may if he is so blessed by his Creator embark upon a polygynous marriage at some point in the future. If it never happens, then she's got a great husband for the rest of her life. If it happens in 5 years then she has 5 years of happiness and so on. So that would be a personal choice. At the end of the day though it is her choice. It doesn't affect any of the rest of you out there because chances are most of you are already married, and those who aren't married there you have it the facts and you are free to decide what you want to do. Marry him broke or wait until he has money to marry properly, now I'm broke so they can be sure that they have a little time before I get some money. There is no guarantee that I will get a second wife, I may not, but I am not going to represent myself as that kind of person who wouldn't.

So that is my stand. Call it foolish, but if so then chances are I won't be getting married again so it is what it is. If after years of being alone I may become weary of this position and rescind it, but as for now it is my story and I'm sticking to it. If I get married again Alhamdullillah. If I never get married again Alhamdullillah, but I won't be breaking anyones heart by surprising them with my polygynous dreams either. That's my 5 cents on the issue. Peace.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Options for the rest of my life

I think I will try my best to be there for my kids, but I really think that Sakinah is going to move away with them. I really do. She has no need to stay here so I suppose I will get to see them when I can. Hopefully if she happens to move back to Virginia in that house I may be able to finagle keeping my job. Possibly I will get to see them from time to time. Running back and forth to Virginia, I don't know how my finances will work out. I will try to make some kind of transition between married and single life. My finances will get back under me and I suppose I will just live.

I don't think I will get married again. I think I will stick to my original plan. I would love to, but is it really worth it. No. Celibacy is the way that it is going to be. I will just save so that my kids can have something when they get old enough and then I will just give them my memoirs. I'm Done with marriage and love and kids and life. I will just work and become an activist for education and the liberation of self.

I see now why sometimes you look at the marriage structure and it seems so cold. All she has to do is watch your stuff and have sex with you. Other than that it is all your responsibility. Well if you don't really have anything invested then you won't have anything left to lose. Maybe I'll move to some deserted island in the pacific, or maybe I will roam the earth and panhandle for my degree and just take classes here and there while being homeless. I'll be in shape if the police don't grab me and throw me in jail because I happen to be an errant black man walking around. I'll have to study law just to defend myself. I'll keep blogging and writing and reading and studying and teaching. I'll do some anthropology, maybe go to some combat zones and see what the real deal is with the suffering of the people.

Poverty is frightening and I have always been afraid of it so maybe I will embrace it and learn to live with it. Anyway life is going to go on. I can't check out before time, I can't press the pause button, I have to go on. It is just the way that it is. I think I will study to become hafiz. I will study though and I will make that my life.


Divorce the first 24 hours

This is just a testimony to the predatory nature that relationships can take. For men there is only a couple of things that I can suggest. When it comes time for divorce run like hell because there is nothing in your corner for your defense. All I can say is that there was some advice that was left for me that I didn't take.

First thing to do is write all of your creditors and tell them that you are getting a divorce and you need to separate your finances. This may not help and definitely it won't help in terms of mortgages and car notes, but you have to do what you can.

If you have children and the mother is being less than savory, immediately file an injunction of temporary custody until the case is over. It isn't much but it is the only thing you can do.

The last big pointer from my side is get a temporary restraining order that dictates the terms where and how you have to meet to exchange the children. It is best to do it in a public place or at a police station.

Lastly STAY as far away from her as you possibly can. Don't call, don't ask, don't harass just accept the fact that it is over and run like hell. Otherwise you will find yourself up in jail somewhere and then get out to find that you have to pay child support in excess of 65% of your earnings. You can be denied all further access to your children.

It is a system rigged for your destruction and women ask why men don't want to commit. Well ladies it can mean a death sentence from even the most kindly old lady. The system has been designed to destroy, everything not protect or even be humane.

If you don't believe me go here and find out for yourself.

The Facts of Life for Men
That the Opponents of Equal Rights
Don't Want You to Know
Until It's Too Late

Written by a woman who believes that
equal rights require equal responsibilities

  • Child support is not based on your ability to pay.
    The state can and does set child support awards at levels that exceed what federal law allows to be withheld from your wages. The excess becomes arrears accruing interest. You can be labeled a "deadbeat dad" in spite of having 65% of your wages automatically deducted for child support. (Can you live on 35% of your take-home pay?)
  • That's the new Slavery. It works like a charm and is a constant cash cow. Directly linked to the prison industry which is ultimately where they want you to go, because then they can guarantee you won't procreate anymore.
  • You can be forced to pay child support for a child that DNA tests proveis not yours.
    Studies indicate that 20% of children may not be biologically related to the man whose name is on the birth certificate. But once named the father, you must challenge paternity within the time limit set by law. Otherwise, you will be forced to pay child support until the child is an adult even if DNA tests later prove that you are not the father and you have no current relationship with the child. (And you can't sue the mother for fraud. Crime pays if you're a woman.)
  • A woman's body is your destiny.
    Once you have sex with a woman (willingly or not), you can be forced to become a parent against your will and forced to submit your body to involuntary service on her behalf for eighteen years or longer even if it kills you. She alone has "choice" to decide if your child is born or aborted, and if the child is born you can be forced to pay for her choice. She may also unilaterally renounce her parental rights and responsibilities (and yours too), but you may not unilaterally renounce your parental responsibilities.In one survey, 33% of women polled admitted that they would get pregnant over the man's objections.
  • Being raped by a woman or tricked into impregnating her will not excuse you from paying child support.
    You will be required to reward her financially for her assault on your body even if you are a minor under the age of consent or were asleep or unconscious when she sexually assaulted you.
  • Child support does not have to be spent on the child.
    It is perfectly legal for your ex-wife to spend "child support" on drinking and gambling.If the child support received by the custodial parent exceeds the actual cost of raising the child (which it often does), she gets to pocket the difference as a state-sanctioned form of tax-free alimony.
  • The needs of subsequent children are not grounds for reducing child support for the legally privileged first-born child.
    You can have 65% of your pay withheld as child support for one child (even if DNA tests prove that it is not yours), while a younger child that is yours has to survive on what you have left. It makes no difference if the first-born lives in luxury while the second-born lives in squalor.
  • You have a "right" to pay child support but no right to be a parent.
    Nearly 40% of noncustodial fathers have no court-ordered parenting time. Those that do have court-ordered parenting time find that the police do not enforce the court order, and most judges do not punish violations by the mother.
  • Mothers are granted sole physical custody of their children 76% of the time.
    This is in spite of studies which show that a child living without the biological father is much more likely to go to prison, take drugs, become an unwed parent, drop out of school, run away, become homeless, need professional psychological help, commit suicide, or be abused and neglected or even killed by the mother and/or her live-in boyfriend or new husband. Women commit the majority of physical abuse of children, and are twice as likely as men to kill their own children.
  • Very few absent fathers are absent by choice.
    Some are dead or in jail. Most (about 90%) cite the mother's actions as the primary reason that they don't see their kids anymore. 40% of custodial mothers admit to interfering with "visitation", and many judges will neither uphold their own court orders nor award conduct-based legal fees to stop the interference. 30% of absent fathers cite financial hardship as a primary reason for absence. After paying child support, they have nothing left to spend on "visitation", especially if the mother moved the children away. Only 3% do not want a relationship with their children.
  • Mothers' requests to move away are nearly always granted by judges.
    Judges presume that the parent moving away has the child's best interest at heart when she destroys or severely weakens the child's relationships with his or her father, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, neighbors, friends, classmates, and nearly every other significant person in the child's life.
  • Most studies show that women are more likely than men to initiate domestic violence, but men rarely report it to police.
    Would you call the police if you knew that they were trained to assume that you are the guilty party instead of the female aggressor? Male victims of abuse are treated much like rape victims were treated fifty years ago: they're embarrassed, they're afraid to report it, the police blame the victim, they're not believed, they get no sympathy.
    At least the rape victims didn't have to worry about being arrested. All it takes to send an innocent man to jail is the perjured testimony of a manipulative female domestic abuser.
  • Some women in custody/parenting-time disputes deliberately provoke fights or make false accusations of abuse in order to gain the enormous legal benefits of an order for protection.
    Over half of the abuse accusations made in the context of a custody dispute are false. Once accused, you are presumed guilty and treated accordingly. You will not be awarded damages if you prove that the charge was fabricated.
    Never plead guilty if falsely accused!
  • Women are not held to an adult standard of accountability.
    Judges do not hold women to the same high standard to which men are held in legal matters. Women are rarely prosecuted or required to pay restitution for their misconduct in domestic-related legal proceedings. They are allowed to use their children as a shield from accountability — to the children's harm. The misguided chivalry of gender-biased judges encourages women to act in ways that hurt children.
  • The suicide rate of divorced men is ten times that of divorced women.
    How happy would you be if you lost the children that you love, your property, your reputation, your credit rating, most of your income, and your right to live as a free man? Even if you could afford an attorney, the gender bias and nearly total disregard for constitutional rights in family court means that you have no legal recourse.Domestic homicides increase dramatically at the time of a breakup, but many feminists would have you believe that gross injustice is not a motivating factor. The American Revolution was fought over lesser injustices than those that are routinely experienced by men in family court.
  • I'm Muslim so this is not an option, but if I wasn't wow it would be something to think about. Twice.

All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.
— Edmund Burke

If you want to do something about the injustices described above, contact us.

It is a comprehensive system designed for destruction, it has been honed and perfected and it works with astonishing precision.