Thursday, July 30, 2009

Fears

Nothing can ruin progress more than fear. You live life, you tell it like it is, but fear will freeze you in your tracks and transfix you in the path of a charging grizzly as if you wanted to be eaten. That is what Fear does for you.

Apathy however placates fear by withdrawing completely, anything can happen and you won't even care. Apathy towards bill collectors is probably the best you can get. Apathy towards heartbreak leads to IDGAF attitudes. Vexed indeed apathy allows you to safely withdraw.

My scariest apathy though is apathy towards my Deen. That's a little hard to explain, because I don't feel like a kuffar but am apathetic about being a Munafiq so to speak. So I really don't know where I am in my Deen. It has taken a hit definitely and Tauba is elusive when you feel like it isn't sincere and how can it be with a IDGAF attitude? You want tauba but you can't really achieve it because for Tauba to be valid you have to have regret and you can't have regret if you don't GAF. So I am frigging STUCK and it is horrifying because when you did study you knew that this was a tough place to be in.

Believers I swear to Allah Subhannahu Wa T'ala when I say don't get here, it is a place of regrets.

Can I do this? Please give me strength, Ya Allah please!

Blogs Lost

I've been so busy. I have had blog post run in and out of my mind so fast but no time to write them down at all. Well the latest we are back under one roof... Reconciliation? I have been cleaning and cleaning not tidying up but deep cleaning. Wiping down the cabinets cleaning them out and organizing them. Stuff I should have done when I moved in, but I'm a bachelor so no need right. Then I should have cleaned it before she moved in, but I was waiting to see if it was all a mirage. So she's here. In my space and going crazy at the mess. 50 million more knick-knacks in the same real estate makes things messy REALLY fast. So my comfortably semi-clean place is now inundated with superfluous stuff, hers and the kids. So the cleaning and the straitening have taken up most of my time and not left a lot of time for talking and bonding. My fault yes and no, but I suppose my cleaning efforts leave a lot of make up bonding to the wayside.

The first night back she slept on the couch. I was a bit miffed, but committed. The second night was a little better I slept on the couch with her. The third night I slept in my bed and she joined me in the morning. The fourth night we are apart again. Now we are on the fifth night she is sleep on the couch with the kids. I have just returned from watching a movie. An ex is on her facebook page. Mine too so I can't be too snooty or nitpicky. Is this reconciliation going to work? I don't know she wanted to talk today about so many things but I went to that movie and now she is sleeping and she needs it because she didn't sleep last night. We are both waiting to see what happens, well that is not really true. I suppose it is more like divvying up a slice of cake when someone asks for it and giving a sliver and asking is that enough and then giving a little more. She gives a little and waits to see if that worked and I give a little and wait to see if that worked and it appears that we get glimpses of hope that it is going to work and then we see something that tells us it isn't and we get discouraged. So it seems to me. She meets me at the door when I get home and I don't recall my response, maybe I am not animated enough and it appears like ambivalence so then she retreats to the sofa where she disengages in front of the computer. I then talk about anything but us and we take away from it something antiseptic.

On the Third night I was very hopeful, but subsequent nights don't encourage me so much. So what am I to do? How excited can I really be and what can I show? I don't know I can only try harder while she is trying and hope for the best.

The effects of my IDGAF attitude have reached further into my Ruh than I previously imagined. IDGAF is a safe place to be for someone who has gotten hurt so deeply. It allows whatever happens to you to roll off like water. However it has its consequences. If you take on the IDGAF attitude then you stop caring and everyone suffers. Your kids, your Deen, your job your life. So here I am breaking the chains of IDGAF and trying to actually give one. If I succeed it could save my life. It was so serious that I basically invited a man to blow my head off. Had he the gumption I'm sure he would have done it. However threats of death only really work towards people who are actually scared of dying. If a person wants to go then they are just words, empty promises from disgruntled miscreants. I'm still here so me and this heart thing are going to have to work things out. I just hope that I can do something about it before she throws in the towel. Kind of like winning the lottery seconds before dying. However if she does tomorrow will keep on coming whether I want it to or not, happy or sad it will come.

Now enough of the doom and gloom. I'm not depressed right now. I'm struggling to revive my heart and shine through the doubt and mistrust. Harder than just saying "Ok babe I'm even better than before and I love you isn't it great". Somehow not quite that easy. However if we try we will make it. I'm sure.

Think positive, be positive trust in Allah and insha Allah it will all come together, and I feel that if it does then our marriage will truly be FireProof. What are those steps again? Sorry for my grammar guys.

Salaams

Friday, July 24, 2009

Blog robbed

To my loyal readers I apologize to you. Just when things were getting juiciest in my life I stopped blogging. Mostly due to put a cap on rumor control. So that I could take a position to let the anger subside. A shift in focus so to speak. However many of the deep details of what was going on I didn't let on. Mostly it was more of the same. Here as I sit on the apex of a possible genuine reconciliation I may never blog again about personal reflections about my relationship. I have taken a position of yesterday dies at the door. No exceptions for either party.

So the tone of my blog will change if not end altogether. We will see. So here we go looking into the brand new ether.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Salute to Darrell "Shifty" Powers

Darrell "Shifty" Powers.

Shifty volunteered for the airborne in WWII and served with Easy Company
of the 506th Parachute Infantry Regiment, part of the 101st Airborne
Infantry. If you've seen Band of Brothers on HBO or the History Channel,
you know Shifty. His character appears in all 10 episodes, and Shifty
himself is interviewed in several of them.

I met Shifty in the Philadelphia airport several years ago. I didn't
know who he was at the time. I just saw an elderly gentleman having
trouble reading his ticket. I offered to help, assured him that he was
at the right gate, and noticed the "Screaming Eagle", the symbol of the
101st Airborne, on his hat.

Making conversation, I asked him if he'd been in the 101st Airborne or
if his son was serving. He said quietly that he had been in the 101st. I
thanked him for his service, then asked him when he served, and how many
jumps he made.

Quietly and humbly, he said "Well, I guess I signed up in 1941 or so,
and was in until sometime in 1945 . . . " at which point my heart
skipped.

At that point, again, very humbly, he said "I made the 5 training jumps
at Toccoa, and then jumped into Normandy . . . . do you know where
Normandy is?" At this point my heart stopped.

I told him yes, I know exactly where Normandy was, and I know what D-Day
was. At that point he said "I also made a second jump into Holland ,
into Arnhem ." I was standing with a genuine war hero . . . . and then I
realized that it was June, just after the anniversary of D-Day.

I asked Shifty if he was on his way back from France , and he said "Yes.
And it's real sad because these days so few of the guys are left, and
those that are, lots of them can't make the trip." My heart was in my
throat and I didn't know what to say.

I helped Shifty get onto the plane and then realized he was back in
Coach, while I was in First Class. I sent the flight attendant back to
get him and said that I wanted to switch seats. When Shifty came
forward, I got up out of the seat and told him I wanted him to have it,
that I'd take his in coach.

He said "No, son, you enjoy that seat. Just knowing that there are still
some who remember what we did and still care is enough to make an old
man very happy." His eyes were filling up as he said it. And mine are
brimming up now as I write this.

Shifty died on June 17 after fighting cancer.

There was no parade.

No big event in Staples Center .

No wall to wall back to back 24x7 news coverage.

No weeping fans on television.

Let's give Shifty his own Memorial Service, online, in our own quiet
way. Please forward this email to everyone you know. Especially to the
veterans.

Rest in peace, Shifty.

"A nation without heroes is nothing." Roberto Clemente

I salute the man I know it was hard. My Grandfather served in Korea and my Father in Vietnam. There are hundreds of soldiers that come home everyday to no big deal and after risking your life everyday sometimes it is nice to know that someone cares and appreciates it. Several times in Bahrain we had scares, curfew adjustments, off limits places, riots and demonstrations. Then there was Kuwait which was a whole lot scarier. So thanks Shifty, many don't ask to go, many do and there are others that just find themselves there, but they all risk everything.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Pong



The volley has been served it is back in her court. Her move, her decision, her resolve, her courage. My milestone has been met. My roommate is gone. My house is empty awaiting the arrival of my family and the start of our new life. My fear is poised, but I am at peace.

Life will go on whether or not I want to live it. My kids will adjust to whatever decision that is made. The drama however will end and one way or another I will find peace and I pray that everyone else involved finds it as well. I apologize to all that have been hurt in this process.

On 6/12 we were supposed to get divorced. We didn't because of her surgery. Somewhere between then and 6/28 she poured it on. On 6/28 I cracked and broke down crying and crap at the thought that I could see us together again. It was tenuous this period but I reserved my position dead heart, willing to try, mostly because of the waiting on the side to see if she was actually serious or not. We went to counseling two of those weeks and they were mildly productive. However the shield of ambivalence protected me. Now I have told her what it is and lowered my shield only to get slapped in the face, but I slapped her first, but they were only words not actions. The actions are in her court now so I will be patient. It is so far off, can this be over one way or another.

Whatever...


Fears Realized

I know my wife and the ball is now in her court. I'm saying the same things that I have been saying for months. My heart is dead, BUT if you are willing to put things back together then I am willing to work WITH you, something that I haven't reserved for anyone else on this planet. I'm hurt and mistrustful of her but that is all something that I will have to suck up once the ball is in play. I would have to be committed and I was asked to do a milestone and I did it. Now all of my kid's clothes are out of my house and into hers and she has cold feet. Hmm Fears Realized, But there's still time. August 10th is just around the corner and at that time this pendulum will be broken. Whatever pain was inflicted will have to just heal. Whatever was believed will become fact whether it was true or not.

I see her point and her fears. My fears I have explained to her in great detail. As fears they don't take on the most cordial conveyances, but that is what they are. Will we make it? I don't know, but for now I've done my part and I am waiting on her move.

A Dead Heart is one that is impervious to pain. It is not really concerned with relationship stability, faithfulness, or loyalty. It is a SAFE place to be in the relationship jungle, but it has its weaknesses. In my case it affects my relationship with Allah, my family and friends and my desire to live life itself. I've already told one person that if they want to kill me just name the place and I will be there. I have my shahada poised at the end of my tongue all they have to do is squeeze the trigger. So although the fortress of a dead heart seems safe it is not really it is actually just sick.

Going back into my marriage I would have to remove the armor surrounding it. Grow some balls and suck up the pain. I was at this point in February and I am willing to dig deep into myself to do it again, but now that the ball is in her court she is giving me reasons to keep the fortress around my heart intact. Granted I have spoken very frankly (insults and sarcasm and all) and she is a particularly sensitive person so it isn't going well, but I knew that. So we have a couple of days so we will see.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

A Question of Hope

My wife always says that I blast out on the net how she's dying to get back with me. Well not today. What I will say is that we are at the table of reconciliation. I am trying to get a realistic picture of how to navigate these new waters and frankly I'm scared out of my pants. Petrified even, but I have resolved to go on. Why because I love her and a year ago I was full of hope. Hope covered with pain but hope nonetheless. Now that my heart feels like a rock I can only imagine how much more difficult that it will be to succeed.

I have to shore off all preconceived presumptions and bury the past and suck it up and move into the future. I have found a solace here in my solitude. It is no good for my Deen at all. It is a place where unsuspecting Kafira's get eaten alive and spit out like discarded wool. However the Dawn of my Deen is calling me to rise up out of these ashes.

So many tests and SOOOOO many failures. Good Lord Allah can I just start over again. I will need my heart back first. Please clean the blackened Rohn from it and allow me to pray out my last days. Kick start my Deen for without it I will surely fail in anything else life has to offer. People please pray for me, cause we all know ya'll ain't going to send money. LOL No offense my readers.

My family back together. Without blinders, without falsehoods and without the fairytale. Will it survive in the real world? Who knows, but my Deen Must be revived and my heart must be awakened.

Will we make it? One day at a time. Yes we will. You get to a point where starting over in life is really not an appetizing option.


Friday, July 10, 2009

Recovery

Jumuah today was about the Establishment of Salaat. I reflected deeply how off the mark I am. You hold on to the Rope to pick yourself up when you fall. To give you some strength in a sea of despair and misdirection. Here you are in the cold holding on to your Deen with all of your might. The thing about Recovery is this Yesterday doesn't exist. This is the most important thing to recovery. Just as the killer walked towards the village of the righteous if your recovery is sincere then you have a chance. So many times we half-ass it. However that is why we have 5 prayers. Fix it get it right. Will we ever? I don't know but here is another prayer to try again. So here I am trying again to get it right. Get it right before my last breath. I have prayed all of my reversion. Insha Allah one of those prayers will count. Cause my mind I know is all over the place when I pray. So I don't know if I should pray faster or dhikr throughought. I don't know.

My Grandma Passed the other week and wow what a homecoming. They never sing that one song but it was a riveting experience nonetheless. More to come on that. Now though I have to go to bed. I started snapping at the kids and that is from not getting enough sleep. So now I must force myself to go to bed.

Friday, July 03, 2009

All things considered

First and foremost I would like to apologize for all of those who link my blog to theirs and it shows the title in their little window thingy. Not the most Muslim of titles that last one. We are taking one step at a time to put our marriage back together. So we are supposed to be getting back together. We both have auxilliary baggage and collateral damage and neither one of us are skipping down Mulberry lane. Her alternative is a nice fully equipped non-arguementative package complete with new rather large house and brand-new car, nanny and allowance. Grade A school district for the kids and full Ikea bedroom sets all around. Me I have a friend who adores me, tries her best and whom I find comfort in. Now we are giving it all up to fix this broken house of cards.

To pull this off it will take Balls of Steel on both sides. The emotionally easiest decision is to just walk away. I had all of the papers drawn up over a year ago all she had to do was sign them. I figured it would be the best thing to do. I would have eventually accepted being the non-custodial parent and probably took an adjustment period. So here I am going back into it, and I say that if it can be saved then let it be saved. I would rather try than not try. However you can't help but to stop to think how real is it. Furthermore what is a good plan of attack to peacefully live out the rest of my days?

So here I am finding myself in a disconnected funk. Not really in any relationship. Yes I can be sweet and loving and caring, but it is different from loving someone because you know how to do it and being in love with someone and letting everything flow. So the arguement waned on where I told my roommate that yes I am a polygamist. I took this position after it all started, because when I realized that my marriage was over it was the safest position to take. No surprises, no less than honorable manipulations just say it like it is and let the chips fall where they may. If by chance I ever happened to fall IN love then I could modify it at that time or just let it be what it is. If I ever got married then I could be free to live with everyone on the same page. I never looked for a second marriage, but if one came along then there would be serious consideration before proceeding on. It would always be what it always was an option that could be taken IF it fit with my family.

However at this point, being alone is the safest place to be. I've learned more on my journey. I'm not as strong as I thought I was, Allah knew that and that is why we have those rules, but no I thought I was different. I wasn't. So I know not to invite people to come and stay with me, unless I am already married, or they are male, because as honorable as I wish I was it just ain't that simple, for me. That AND being depressed was a recipe for disaster. However in that you find what it is that you need and although you know the relationship is only a port in the storm it provides a rest and so it is easy to take that rest. Then the only thing you can say on the otherside is sorry. Sorry for being so sweet and thoughtful and affectionate. Sorry for thinking about you, sorry for being selfish and proving to myself that I am not a monster. Sorry for taking you in and providing you shelter and then violating that trust. Sorry for being so kind and sweet that you had no choice but to fall for me. Sorry for being myself. However it is what it is. Sorry.

What I feel like where I am at right now in my life is that point in the Matrix where they broke through the machines and went above the clouds for that brief moment of beauty and now they are on the downward arc. That is where I am. I've taken a reprieve and now I am going back into the thick of it all. And yes it still feels easier to emotionally walk away, but I am a non-custodial parent. I know how it is, but I can't say that I've done a stellar job since I've had them this summer, although we've done some really great stuff this summer, Islamically my Deen is on the ropes and I've let Deen slide and just hold on to what I have of Deen and the cultivation of their Deen has been seriously lacking. Goodness all of the crap that I am going to have to throw out when I finally say ENOUGH with the Dunya. For now though I am just holding on to my little piece of rope.

The question that everyone asks is "Is getting back together what you WANT to do?" and that is a great question, highly logical and very essential to the core of the reconcilliation process. "Are you doing it for the kids" and the all essential question "is it Me you want or do you just want your kids". Just be honest and don't lie to me. So I suppose that the purpose of this post is to work that out. Where am I. Emotionally I don't want to be with anyone, because that is the safest place. I'm not fearless with my heart. However I will have to become so in ANY relationship that I decide to go through with. I'm not all in, there is no throwing discretion to the wind and going for it. Each move is calculated. She was asked by a good friend where do you see yourself in ten years and she had two images. One with all of our kids and family around completely restored and the other with all of the material things she ever wanted and she chose family. I see myself doing 30 years in the military, starting over financially from scratch, Treasuring each moment that I can get with my children and learning to do with my life the things that I've always wanted to do, or wondering what thing am I going to do to trigger the chain of events that will land me back in this situation.

Yes it will be lovely to think that it can all be fixed, but I say again that would take Balls of Steel on both sides. I'm sure she will wonder if I am ever going to bring some sister home and be like I'm out when she's 65 years old so I suppose the feeling is mutual. Kind of like we want peace so we make sure we are fully armed equally. That is where I feel we are, and who wants to live like that? So there has to be something greater than me to aspire to. The ideal of family has to be higher than the ideal of myself, because if that was the case I would just have to be honest with her and be like you know I can do bad ALL by myself. What is on the table my kids. If she were to give me my kids and call it good, honestly I think I would just go for my kids and make time for myself whenever I could steal it, but I would have to get it together. That's the safest option for further trauma to my heart. It is the safest, but is it the right option. Going on I believe that I will only be a better person. More tolerant, more forgiving, more patient and definitely braver. However it would definitely be the last time. Kids will grow, that is what they do. They will be fine, they know I love them and their mother. So I take a deep breath hold on to the rope and go on.