Monday, June 23, 2008

Heartbroken

It is Ironic. It was raining when I left here, a dark and dreary Day and now at 2:12am that I have returned it is raining again. I am faced with the fact that I am going to be divorced when I go home and all that entails. The child custody the sorting out of finances the sifting through of what was a life that is now no more. The pain of loss, the love that still lies there butchered and bleeding on the ground, gasping for it's lasts breaths of life, it's eyes wide open scanning for any semblance of mercy. We watch it squirm as we walk our separate ways. Lawyers are expensive and I am broke, but I hope that we can avoid an lengthy drawn out process and make a quick and simple Janaza of our once cherished life together.

It has taught me much and although there is a lot of blame to be thrown around I am not going to pick up that bag to throw it. It is what it is and that is all that it is. The love that is still there has been left at the station as it watches the last train depart, crying as it will miss the loved ones. The memories and tranquility of what was our life. Pain and hurt abound but I will not transgress towards anger, his sail is flattened and what will be will exist.

The last apology and acknowledgment of my complicity of my effort in this matter. I say for the last time that I am sorry for what I have done, but it is done and in the past. My heart is broken and I am in a place for the first time of my life were all women young and old beautiful and ugly all smear into the present reality that I want nothing to do with any of them. I have no desire, no lust, no fantasies, no love nor desire to share in love and most of all no trust. For the first time in my life I can look and feel fully validated that I do not want any thing from any woman. If I were to get married again it would be purely out of the fear of Allah against fornication with no expectations of anything else, I make no promises except to that which is mandated by Allah. However wisdom leads me and I know I have no business with another female soul at this point in my life.

Peace