Sunday, January 25, 2009

Where will I go from here?

We are so funny it seems. There is always something between us. One leans and the other is a solid wall and then time and then the other leans and the other is a solid wall and then time. And so it is the melting away of a relationship. Until it becomes a memory. A collection of beautiful things that was destroyed over something very stupid and then it is romanticized into something that it wasn't. So I talked to my cousin at length and I began to remember and my heart began to soften and I began to say maybe I will forget, it will take work but it can be done, ok I'll give it a try and what do I run into the wall that she put up to cope with our last conversation, which I can't fault her, but it is what it is. So it looks as though it is stumbling towards where it was headed in the first place (insert tongue hold here).

So my reduced lunch is over Mom says enough sulking and now it is time to pay the rent, so that means it is time for me to get a second job. Which I should have done long ago, but then long ago was a great deal of hope, but either way I have to move on. So I look at the real tests beginning to start. First of all I'm a HO Well not really because Hoes have no scrutiny they are like sprinklers and try to wet everyone. I am a freak though and a faithful one at that so what am I going to do. I am in a precarious situation. There are the sexual urges which have subsided a great deal thank Allah, it would really suck if they were raging everyday. Then I would definitely fail the test. The nature however is still there, but it is problematic because I first of all have made Tauba against pre-marital sex so that door is closed. I'm not one to use people and I tend to be the marrying type so free dating is closed because I usually try to seal the deal with a commitment and probably prematurely. Wow so I see how your windows get smaller as you get older. You dispense with the bullshit early on and state clearly and succinctly exactly what you want out of a relationship. Maybe I will do what always works for me. DON'T LOOK or I could ask Allah for exactly what I want and I suppose if he felt that I would slip into the clutches of debauchery he would send me someone who was good for me.

I'm not wasting my time on such nonsense. When I'm ready or when I can't take being single anymore Then I will ask Allah, but until then I only ask to be saved from my most twisted thoughts. I seriously don't think I'm going to do the relationship thing again, but who knows I just know that now is time for me.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Looking inward

It is extremely easy looking at the other person's problem. It alleviates you the need to look into your own mirror and come to grips with your own reflection. So I find myself so ill-at-ease coming to grips with this decision, it is a difficult decision for me, but sometimes you have to think about the common good swallow your pride and move on.

So in looking at myself I have to ask the question; why do I want polygamy? It is a serious question that I must ask. What are MY problems in this relationship? Where did I go wrong for if I do not ask these questions then I will undoubtedly repeat myself, whether we get back together or not? Am I opposed to polygamy; no I am not. The question is though why do I want it and more importantly for anyone that I am going to be with, will I live without it. If I get back with Sakinah it comes as one of the stipulations, to live with out it. So why do I want it in the first place? I used to think that it was sexual, but it isn't. Yes I am a freak and there are sexual things that go with it, but it isn't sexual. I think it drives to the deep seated aversion to lack of family and imposed loneliness that I experienced as a child. As an only child I suppose I reveled family, a wholesome bond of togetherness something that I was lacking as a child, a cohesive supportive structure of brothers and sisters in a healthy thriving relationship. Past the sexual or rather not past it because it is included I have a deep desire for closeness, deeply intense closely knit personal relationships that are seated in the physical. I have an intense desire for touch. I communicate with it as a balance for my silence. I use touch to convey feelings and emotions that I often don't speak. It is much easier for me to show someone that I feel for them through touch rather than going through all of the trouble of formulating sentences to convey an idea. This touch communication is expressed in tight hugs, caresses, kisses, gropes, cuddling, ass smacks and yes sex. Where polygamy comes in I suppose can be expressed in a desire of constant touch, to lose myself in the constant touch of the opposite sex. I suppose this is also an underlying reason why it is so difficult for me to formulate close relationships with men. I don't desire to touch them in any way so it is completely intellectual and therefore impervious to the submission of my vulnerabilities. With women it is not so, because I FEEL I can convey a lot through touch rather than through a lot of talking. So my relationships typically go that the woman typically does all of the talking or most of it and I in turn communicate what I am feeling through touch, cuddling and what not. Which isn't truly communication, but it works, but there are times where this lack of high level communication causes problems or the necessity of high level communications are needed and are replaced conveniently with the communication of touch.

So maybe it is that desire to lose myself in female femininity and to retreat into warm loving faithful arms and a deep embrace. Regardless of how many women I have ever included in any of my fantasies the relationship has always been one that was very close, extremely close. Same house, same compound, same bed, covered with touch, mutual raising of children and a lot of them, peaceful and cooperative.

As an only child this fantasy relationship became my escape. It included my sexual, and life fantasies and allowed for the touch relationships that I needed albeit imagined. So now I need to state the obvious can I live without polygamy? The answer to that question is yes. Will I always want it? Yes I suppose. I don't right now, right now I don't want anything. If I get back with Sakinah I will lay it down forever, but if not then I will pursue it, or at least be very open and honest about it whenever I decide that it is time to jump back into the relationship waters. I think I would gladly take a break from relationships for a couple of years. I would be fine with that.

Well it is time to go to work so I will end this for now and continue to ponder on this later.

PS: To the WNN (Women's News Network) help the situation by keeping your opinion to yourself.

Monday, January 19, 2009

The end of fantasy

Sakinah and I had a long talk and I just told her that there just isn't any more me. It isn't personal it is just that the pain is so deep and broad. It has wiped out all fantastical dreams of a beautiful relationship. Relationships that are carefree and committed and secure from outside harm. I no longer have any idealized views of any women on pedestals coming to complete my Deen. No hijab garnished beauties to accentuate the holiness of life and the struggle to grasp righteousness. It doesn't matter anymore. Hijab no Hijab it is only a piece of cloth. Abaya or Jeans for what is truly real I can't see, and in reality it has nothing to do with me at all.

She wants to get back together and I am fine with that, but I am not moving into her place for reasons that are very personal and painful that I am not going to list.

I have no more romanticized views of life. I have no more assumptions of the way things are or are not supposed to be. I can only be me the true reality is that there is only me and Allah in this existence everything else exists to test that relationship.

Relationships, well to be honest I don't want to be in a relationship at all. I have very little patience and tolerance and I am currently holding the door open for one human being and that is Sakinah and if she doesn't want to walk through I am perfectly at ease with closing it forever. There are no dreams of happily ever after only the true reality that every day is a test. Is it better for my kids? Who knows, is it best for me or her, who knows, but essentially does it really matter? Does it really matter?

Life goes on one day at a time slowly and surely inching into the future. She gets so sensitive about my lack of excitement at going on and I tell her it is not personal and truly it isn't, it just isn't there. There is just me and my Deen and that is the true reality. The truth of life is that you are here alone and no one else really matters and the only thing that matters is your adherence to the Deen and that is the determining factor. Your struggle is between you and Allah everything else is just a distraction.

Maybe it takes until you get 40 to realize these things, and I don't want you to think that I am being pessimistic or negative, I'm not, I just realize things are just the way they are. They just are and you have to deal with that reality.

Friday, January 02, 2009

Happy New Year Twice!!

So it is a new year both Islamically and Otherwise. I am still here, been learning a lot. I have the blessing of my kids from Hawaii here with me. They grow up so fast. They aren't supposed to grow up. Oh well maybe I'll get married again and have some more. Sakinah and I, well you get to a point where you are like fine if it does and fine if it doesn't. Some days I want it back like nothing else in the world and then there are days like today where I am like where do I send the child support payment? It is so funny the little revelations that you run into. I have run into quite a few over these last couple of weeks of my silence, still blogging just in my head mostly.

Little Revelations:

1.      You're a professional get paid well for what you do. I have been going to meetups and one of the first thing I have found out is GET PAID. You have to figure in how much your time is worth and CHEAP doesn't mean more money. If you do a job and do it well price yourself along with everyone else that is doing it well. If you do it cheap then you will probably get more business, but how well will you be able to do it. Price yourself so you can expect as much business as you can handle. You must factor in all of the time you are not in front of your customers as well, travel time, computer time, editing time and everything else. You may be in front of the customer for an hour, but after the job is done how much more time does it take before the job is complete?

2.      Your Deen is just that your Deen. If you live your Deen through someone else they will undoubtedly screw it up. If you got married thinking that he was going to be your leader you will be disappointed, if you got married thinking that you would work together you will be disappointed. If their faith was going to make you stronger, not happening. No it is your Deen and your Problem. You have to remember your family is a TEST and you will have to go through it and it doesn't matter if they are Muslim or non Muslim, faithful or not faithful, Dedicated or not you are going to have problems and you have to realize that NOTHING in life that happens to you or about you is about the other person it is ALL A TEST THAT IS BETWEEN YOU AND ALLAH!!!

3.      It is just stuff, at the end of the day it is all just Stuff and not important at all. You can work and work and work and collect all of the Stuff that you want, but no matter how pricey it is at the end of the day it is just stuff and when STUFF gets to the point where it clutters your life it becomes JUNK. Clothes that sit in the closet year after year and are not worn is JUNK. Cars that you don't drive are JUNK. Stuff that is not used is JUNK no matter how much it costs it is all just JUNK. Relationships, jobs, money, friends people that aren't moving you forward and clutter your life, spiritually, physically, sexually whatever can be effectively classed as JUNK too. Clean lines and dedication to Allah, Living on just what you need is the essence to peace of mind, remove the junk and breathe.

4.      Allah is not going to let you go. If you do your prayers with sincerity Allah isn't going to let you go to hell over something really stupid. On your way to do wrong you will find that if you are sincere in your Deen something will always come up to keep you from it. It is amazing, but it is in the Quran that Allah comes between a man and his heart. Trust me it gets to the point of where you have to frame it like "Allah I am intending to go out and break one of your rules and I will pray about it afterwards." Then your conscience kills you or if you are really determined you will get a flat, cops will stop you, children will wake up, semi-tractor trailer trucks will magically fall out of the sky, but it will be obvious that there will be dire consequences if you go through with that non-sense you were intending on doing. I'm just saying.

5.      The only thing that is truly important is what you do with this very moment. Focus on what is happening right this very second, because the next second isn't yours and there is no guarantee for tomorrow.

6.      My kids love me and I love them, but my Deen is mine and no matter how hard I want them to have Deen that is not mine to give them. It is entirely between them and Allah Subhannahu wa T'ala and that is the truth and the same goes for my wife and grand kids later on. I can only live my own Deen and that is all that I can do and the only thing that I can expect to see fruits from. In other words what I do in this life is between me and Allah and it has absolutely nothing to do with any other human on this planet. How I treat my neighbor is between me and Allah, how I treat my wife and my children is between me and Allah. When other people do me wrong it is between me and Allah. Every mosquito bite, every bill, every ticket, every catastrophe, every success and every failure is between ME and ALLAH and it has nothing to do with YOU whoever you may be.

7.      Everyone has to bear their own burdens. I'm a freak and we all know this (faithful but a freak nonetheless) and that is my test. There are others out there that are Gay or lesbian, drug addicts, depressed, bipolar, lazy, narcissistic, thieves or uninspired or overly ambitious and that is their test. Becoming Muslim doesn't make it any easier. As if all of your vices will poof into outer space. That is not happening. People are still going to be Gay or sex-fiends or all about themselves. Islam doesn't take that from you it just puts it into perspective and that is the test, once you see do you still choose to go astray. If I was faced with a ménage a trios today would I accept it or would I turn it down? I know I can't have it and that it would be wrong to do so, but the test is what do I do? The same goes for everyone else's vices as well. Your own vice. Are you full? Then why are you still eating? To be tested one must have knowledge and your faith essentially can be judged by the point where you stop saying "sure I'll do that, that is ok with me". Where is your line defined and only you can know and it is entirely between you and Allah. At the beginning of the Day and at the end of it there is only YOU and Allah and nothing else matters.

Well enough of my philosophizing for one day I have to get to work for it is that moment.