Monday, May 29, 2006

Salivating for a long time


This is the camera I have been wanting for quite sometime, However it remains elusive. Bills, Problems and unexpected events. Waaaa!

Sunday, May 28, 2006

Favorite Pic

This is my favorite picture of my eldest daughter from my first marriage. We were at Hawaii's North Shore and she was cold so I put her in my sweater and I think that this picture just turned out really well. I ran across this while looking for pictures of blocker A & B. Maybe I will just take a picture of them later on today. Posted by Picasa

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Sooo Irritated.

I have found that when I am severely sleep deprived I get so cranky. I just want to bite off everyone’s head. Without discretion it starts off as some kind of slow rage and then just boils over. Then my Kibr gets in the way and that escalates any situation out of control. I’m so sleepy I’m too irritated to blog. It must be noted that it is almost guaranteed that these are the times my wife wants to spend some time with me and it always ends badly. No matter how much I try to run away from an inevitable conflict.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

What I wanted to do.

I had thought earlier that I could post a picture by including it as an
attatchment. It didn't work oh well. We are at the park now gotta go.
___
Fight Terrorism... Refuse to be afraid!

Where the hell am I?


I have no idea.
___
Fight Terrorism... Refuse to be afraid!

Monday, May 22, 2006

Blogs in the stream

This blog entry was intended to start yesterday and would have been entitled Tantric Sex, then several things transpired and I was going to name it, Candidate reconsidered, then after talking about it with my wife, I was then going to name it Wow they just keep saying yes. So I suppose in this entry I probably need to touch on all of these areas. Unfortunately too many other things have transpired so I will have to talk about something completely different. LOL. Blogging is like dipping into a river that is strolling down stream you never know what juicy tidbits you are going to get.

Happiness is coming home to a beautiful wife, happy children and a clean house (just had throw that in there). I came home to all three today, and my wife was horny to boot. Bonus.

A peaceful surrender

From light twice burning bright

Two souls intertwine with fire

From water falling glistening through moonbeams

Through throes of their desire

A harkening of my lovers kiss

In her arms I feel enrapture

Though strong and powerful of my grasp

This moment is as fleeting as the sand

The world has lost its calling and lustre

It pales by her command

I must say that it is very hard to write poetry with active youngsters nipping at your heels. I have been rambling on beliefnet as I said earlier, but I think that it is time to retire that quest. Looking at it from an Islamic perspective there are too many things that can come back to haunt you on the Day of Judgement. You get sucked into proving your point that the dogma stinks to the highest heaven. It is a pointless quest even if you are correct, and if you are wrong you do nothing but cement yourself in your position until you are blinded. It is time to say goodbye.

I love my wife. She is very beautiful and intelligent I could not have asked for a more beautiful partner in all of my days. I asked her today if she was sure that she wanted to share me and she said yes. I don’t know if that day will ever come, but I know that I am happy now. The one sister that is in Colorado has a new love. I think that she is going way too fast. I reflect to my own time post divorce and all of the people that I was involved with and I just had to say stop because it seemed that with each relationship I was going further into a decadence that had I continued I would have become completely consumed by my desire. I see this sister in pain and reaching out for the human element that makes coping with problems so much easier. The man that she has now seems like a nice fellow but I think that he is a suffocating kind of soul. I think that she needs to just cool down and be alone for a while so that she can gather her thoughts, but I know that is a place that she will have to reach on her own. I can only pray that she doesn’t get mixed up in the wrong element in this period of transition. I remember that time it was a very painful time for me even though I was involved with other people. I suppose that we will see what happens. I hope the best for her and not just because she said that she would be a co-wife.

Tantric sex well it is what it is. It is a rush to come within inches of orgasm and hold off so that they build one on top of the next kind of like an orgasm tsunami. They are very nice. I spoke to my wife in passing about the concept and she said that she doesn’t know if she could take anymore as it stands. A flattering concept for any man to hear, but I actually think that she was serious. I think that many of us practice some Tantric techniques without knowing it.

Well these kids are off the chain this evening so I’m going to cut it short so that I can reign them in and get ready to go to bed.

Thunder rolls on

Wow it has been a few days since I've
blogged, mainly because I've been kicking up dust on b'net. I'm convinced
that the only thing that those people are concerned with is preventing any
and all sisters and brothers from entering into polygamy whether they want
it or not. My wife did the smart thing and left long ago. I suppose I'm
argumentative. Oh well. I feel that many of the arguments presented there
are way off base.

So what else is going on? Well prospect number one got re-married to her ex
so that door is closed. My wife is still hopeful, but she prays that their
union will be blessed. I do to I certainly wouldn't want anyone cursing my
marriage and you know what they say, what comes around goes around.

My sleepiness has caught up to me so I'm gonna take a little nap. I'm
waiting at this brother's house so that I may help him move, but he is not
here. I tried to call my wife but there was no answer :( so I will wait a
little while before I leave here.
___
Fight Terrorism... Refuse to be afraid!

Saturday, May 13, 2006

Gotta Blog

So a lot of things have been going on since I last blogged. One my wife and I have really come out of the closet so to speak on the issue; mostly my wife because primarily my interaction has been confined to the online community. Come to find out she has told quite a few people. I’m okay with that. We have our doors and we know what can come through them and what can’t. Anyway we don’t have the money right now. We don’t have the space either unless she was single or something. I can’t see it happening anytime soon. So we have ample time to iron out all of our expectations. I was talking to Sage on 4thefamily chat room and she said that they finally came down to whatever God gives them they are good with that. I don’t think that we are at a point like that right now.

 

My wife leaked out the fact that she would accept a second wife to a friend; her husband heard and said that I was so lucky. Then in a bizarre twist they both suggested that I take her as a second wife and my wife and I were like no the sister just doesn’t fit our family model. Ironically this couple is supposed to be staying with us for a while saving up for an apartment. I think that will be a big fitnah but we are doing it fisabeelillah (for the sake of God). I think that it will be interesting to say the least. Anyway we will soon see who our wife will be. The sister that my wife picked out is supposed to be going back to her husband for remarriage on the 20th. We were invited but I don’t think that we can make it. I have duty the next day starting at 0530 so I can’t go; I kind of wish that my wife would go though, but we can’t afford the gas right now. With this sister completely unavailable right now and off-limits I wonder if my wife will keep up her enthusiasm. I think that it would be apropos to talk to the sister any further about it after she remarries her husband. So at that point we would have no focal point for sister-wife. I wonder what we will do then; probably most likely just wait in limbo yet working towards our house that our sister-wife will move into. I think that Allah is guiding us towards that reality. I can only pray that my next wife is as awesome as the first. I just want them both at peace and tranquility with each other. My wife had mentioned another sister that could possibly use a good husband, but her children are off the chain, and wouldn’t work with what we want as our living arrangement. There is another sister that would work, she is definitely strong and independent, but the pain of her first marriage has her healing her wounds and I don’t believe that she would just submit for peace right now, maybe later on after her wounds have healed, who knows. When I say submit I don’t mean just let me walk on her because I’m not that kind of person, just that she refrain from certain actions out of mutual respect and nurturing. She’s younger and thinner than my wife which my wife says would cause her a complex. I don’t think so if the whole situation was about mutual love and respect and I kept my wife feeling like she was number one. Who knows though?

 

I wonder what we are going to do now that my wife’s intended second wife has fallen apart. Maybe we will just be together and keep making our marriage more wonderful by the day. I have to get into this ACET program so that I can get my degree so that when I get out I can get a job that will afford me the ability to take care of two families. Like I said that there are other sisters that my wife will consider, but none that fit the mold like that sister did. I know that Allah works in ways that we don’t expect and he brings people into our lives from directions that we never thought possible. I can only look forward to the future for a situation that will supply all of our needs and create a truly dynamic and happy family. A happy family is what is most important.

 

Getting out of the military has really got me nervous. I thought of becoming an electrician because I talked to one and I feel that it is honest work, I can do it and some of them make over $100K a year, depending on where we live that will more than cover the expenses. If I went that route I would want my own business. I could set up and work from home and everything.

 

Was chatting and someone had a real problem with her child and I thanked God for the problems I had with Child A. Just a not no matter what happens just be thankful for what you’ve got.

 

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Reflecting on today

I love my wife, she is so awesome. I think that the communication, and
trust we are building is phenominal. I have never experienced anything like
it in my life.

I am so in love with my wife everyday my heart feels like it is going to
burst out of my chest. It just pounds, I found that I feel like a school
kid every day falling in love for the first time.

We talk a lot about different things now. Our communication has improved by
leaps and bounds.

I'm out and about now my daughter is getting fussy gotta go.

Angle of congruence

Alhamdulillah (praise be to God) my wife and I had a beautiful discussion last night. We talked about what I mean about the one she has picked out for us may not be the one for us at all. She thought that I was referring to just finding anyone and I wasn't. I was referring to her falling in love with someone else that would fit into our family paradigm. I believe that the right person for us will be a close friend of my wife, that begins in a completely platonic fashion. Right now I believe that it may be best that we not think about it too much because of how when you're looking for something it is so elusive and when you stop looking it finds you. That's kind of how I feel.

I just have to reassure my wife through my actions that I'm not looking on the side which I'm not. We then began to talk about the risk involved, are we willing to risk our family for something that could end very tragically, which is a very scary thought. My wife's concern is if things aren't working out will I do what I need to to cut it off. I think so, I just feel that it may seem kinda cold and calculated to give someone a deed of covenants before entering into a relationship. You know read pages 1 - 45 in your relationship manual and sign pages 75 - 85 in triplicate. That just doesn't seem natural to me you know what I mean. I don't know how we will protect ourselves maybe we will just wait until all of the kids are out of the house.

That is another thing the question of kids. I haven't really talked to her about it, mainly because she is the one picking out the wife. I think that she would be more comfortable with a wife that cannot have anymore kids, but I think that more kids would be a good touch. I was raised as a single child and I didn't like it very much. I also think that it would be a means of strengthening the bonds of love between all of us, but God knows best.

So we are driving to work bonding and such, having a good time. We were just talking about going poly and everything. Expressing how mildly impatient we are. I can wait, it just makes me more aroused I suppose. It also endears me to my wife more. We talked about stuff that just wouldn't fly with us, like separate housing arrangements, unequal treatment of children, selfishness, abusive behavior, etc. and how we are opening ourselves up to this by inviting someone in. Then we talked about putting faces on our prospective wife as I have never seen the sister she has in mind I have to form my own visual images. I chose a image of this female poet that we just went and saw. She impressed me with her poetry and the way she carried herself. My wife told me that she had thought of this one sister from belize as well, but felt that their relationship could be different if she was closer to home.

The discussion then moved on to people that were available but would not fit into our paradigm. There is this one sister who is recently divorced from an abusive relationship. So she is single Muslim, but not covering at the moment, and has two children and is thinking about getting her tubes tied. However she is outside of the paradigm that we are looking for, her Islam as we see it is not what we are comfortable with at this time. Her parenting views are not in line with ours, and we feel that we would be doing it to save her. I expressed emphatically that I am not in the saving business. Reason being is that those mindsets are psychological and run very deep and people tend to gravitate back to what they know. Then there are habits that my wife knows about and I don't that kind of made me cringe when my wife let a few slip. I was like nah that's alright.

We were talking about the house because pretty much until now I have just been letting my wife surf the net for home plans, but I really feel that to get exactly what we want we need to design it ourselves. I was kind of thinking that it could be a group effort. This however rubs against my wife's concerns of how the children will take getting an extra mommy. My wife wants to ease into the situation for the children's sake. I can respect that position and I don't have any problem with it. She has in her eye a place with two master bedrooms with jack and jill style bathroom in between. She said that the women would share closets and right away my bell went off ding ding-ding warning. I don't think that will work. I think they should each have their own closet and I'll just keep my stuff in an armoire or something in each bedroom. We know that there are several elements that must be essential to the house. Our living quarters should allow for discreet cohabitation, I'm sure after the kids get older they won't care. There should be alot of sunlight coming in, I feel not to mention cut down energy costs. There should be a whirlpool tub in the master bath, secluded toilets, and hers and hers sinks, my wife was thinking a three sink arrangement but I really don't care about such things. All kid age groups and sexes should have their own room. Whoa that was scary my daughter just opened a hundred windows and I thought I lost this post. This post if further troubled by mounting sibling tension in the other room. Anyway their own rooms, then rooms for recreation and eating quarters that promotes community and efficiency. Sunlight that allows for views of both sunrises and sunsets hopefully unencumbered. Building a plan that places house on the lot that naturally aligns with the Qiblah (Prayer direction for Muslims). Finally for me a pool and a private garden off of the co-joined master bedrooms.

Chloe Sevigny is getting tired of being such a witch on Big Love. She says that she can empathize with people who claim that their role is killing them. It is funny to hear them interview though, immediately they all said that they couldn’t live that lifestyle but could see benefits in it. I wonder if the series goes on for five more years how they would view the whole situation. Honestly though I don’t think it can, because Roman Grant isn’t that captivating a villain and he’s not the youngest kitty on the block either. I think the writers will write a great first season and then trail off as the seasons go on. Then again maybe the fact of watching one guy interact with three women will keep the show captivating. Who knows at least the subject is out of the closet.

I ate this huge Gyro this evening. My wife would have hated it because it was full of huge chunks of meat it was great. I love gyros.

Beliefnet man is that place depressing. No wonder people are atheists. LOL. There was this post demeaning proponents of plural marriage. Of course the men they were citing were the kind that sneak around on their wives and then spring the topic on them after boning some chick for three months. Even I decry that kind of behavior I think any sane individual would.

My wife and I have been incredibly aroused lately. No doubt spurred on by the possibility of a second wife. She called her or the other way around this morning and they talked. She stated that she was trying to get back with her husband and make it work. We don’t know if it will seeing as how he is an abusive man, however we hope the best for her. My wife told her that she was just going to get the house already, and the sister said who knows.

I have memorized one more chapter from the Quran and I have been doing pretty good by my goal of memorizing a chapter a week. When the chapters get longer I will have to stretch that out a bit. Chapter Duha is next I have until Saturday to get it. I haven’t even started yet. Mostly because I have been reciting the others to ensure I actually remember them. Maybe I’ll stretch that one out until the end of next week.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Where's the Plane?

I ask you to watch this and tell me where the plane is? You would think that it would be bigger.

It is official now

Ok so today I prayed for it. I prayed for clarity in decision making and clarity in choice. I don’t think that my wife fully understands or rather believes me when I say that whoever is coming into our union I would not allow willy-nilly. Kicking it on the street is one thing but bringing it into your house is something entirely different. I suppose that is fine if she views my justifications as purely sexual. That’s fine however I believe that when my family is concerned there is nothing sexual about it. Who I envision is first someone that my wife can coexist with in peace and harmony and trust. Someone who is non-threatening towards our relationship and will bring the bonds of love closer. Second someone who shares our belief and has the same faith goals for us and all children involved. Someone who is genuine and open, willing to share feelings and communication. Sex is something that is really only about 1% of the relationship so the evaluation that I place on the individual will go much deeper. Looks are a bonus, but personal depth is more essential to a lasting relationship.

So how’d I do?

Well I crashed and burned actually. Starting with the prayer I prayed two prayers outside of their intended time. Still before the next prayer but I would really like to pray within the first hour. The garage is not finished; I spent next to nil time nurturing my children. Did not help my daughter with her homework went back on www.4thefamily.us and chatted another 3 hours, and for the grand finale my wife and I had a very nice conversation (whom as you remember is not supposed to do anything for 3 weeks docs orders). She stopped bleeding and couldn’t keep her hands off me. She started with the just the head thing and the next thing you know fido was learning new tricks. It was riveting. Then of course this morning I heard no alarms so I missed the first prayer of the day. I don’t know what I was waiting for we went to bed at 0130 probably later than that.

Good things that happened yesterday I woke up with the intention of devoting my entire day to my Creator Alhamdulillah (God deserves all the praise). I didn’t snap on any of my children for being young and full of energy and bouncing off the walls due to pent up energy because it was raining outside. I forgave my daughter from not doing her chores last night and going to bed. Sometimes the things we do in slacking can be important. I cleaned 1/8 of the garage (actually probably more like a 1/6). Looking at my computer speakers I can see why I didn’t hear the alarm. There are headphones plugged in. Then finally based on what I blogged about yesterday my wife and I had a very nice discussion (not conversation).

We talked about the new spark for poly living in me which in turn sparked it back in her. Now that I have my head clear I can think straight. We disagree on small minor points. The main points we still agree on which is most important; the fact that she will be the one to choose the wife. We differ however on who it will be. My wife is fixated on her friend who told us no to begin with. I, probably due to the fact that I can’t place a face with a name or know any qualities about this person other than my wife likes her, am more open to different peoples. This point causes us some friction, which looking at it in retrospect is really stupid, kind of like two schoolyard boys fighting over an imaginary car that they will have in 13 years. It really doesn’t matter looking at it intelligently. The wise thing to do is nod and move on, if I need to fixate a face to a name just use the sister as the model. I have my own view of who it will ultimately be and that concept is in line with my wife’s person, it is just that my concept can be applied to anyone that my wife falls in love with as a sister whereas her person is just that person. I don’t think that I should try to convince my wife of my concept model I think that is just irritating the transaction of a quasi-done-deal. I think that God does things for a purpose and in this case I think my model is more accepting to the things that God typically does when we humans become fixated on something. He gives us that thing or something better than that thing in the case of asking Him for the best for our family it may be that He has for us something completely different than either one of us imagined. That’s just my experience with God. Kind of like a man looking for a silver coin in a mountain of gold so that he can be rich which in fact he could just start collecting all of the gold and be wealthy. I think that is the way God works on a lot of things.

Even though we both want it, I haven’t prayed on it at all. I have come close sometimes but I really haven’t prayed on it. The scenario that I have worked out in my mind is that my wife will fall in love with an acquaintance in her travels or sister’s groups or a trusted friend will recommend someone or it will just happen and there won’t be a whole lot of strange feelings to deal with. My wife is a very beautiful loving woman and I believe that she may meet someone else, or the sister that she has in mind may change her mind. It is really all speculation of how it will all pan out, so there’s no need disagreeing about the unknown, because it can really take a completely different path than you think. So at this point I will indulge my wife’s person and let God do the rest because He can show her better than I can what is the best choice, and whatever that may be I am fine with that.

So I have to think of a different outlet for my imagination when I get really horny. Maybe I will write down erotica or something. That takes a lot of time and contemplation so usually I just settle for every 2.5 days have a conversation when it goes longer than that my imagination starts whirling. In reflecting though it is a prayer that I made long time ago for a second wife. That could have aided my first marriage in going the way that it went. I believe when you ask God for something and he is going to give it to you He creates the circumstances for the gift to thrive. In my present marriage it will thrive in my previous one it wouldn’t have. So like if you ask God for a million (in this day and age you need more like 10) then the circumstances surrounding that will enable you to do God’s work with it, like if you have a diseased heart (spiritually) it will be cleansed prior to receiving the funds.

So today we start over, I intend to clean the garage and help my daughter with her homework.

I haven't told anyone on 4 the fam website about this blog yet. Maybe I will.

Monday, May 08, 2006

Today's Progress


Ok so here I am in the bank teller line trying to avoid bouncing checks.

So I start out well, I'm the loving husband and everything. So my wife goes
to a baby shower and my progress falls miserably by the wayside. I was in
the garage cleaning and making progress, but when she left I felt obligated
to come inside. This wouldn't be so bad if I came in and did something
positive with my kids. Instead I went on the net to www.4thefamily.us and
chatted with sage for about an hour about what it is like and found that in
a healthy relationship it is pretty transparent. This information was a
godsend because I'm overly concerned about the stability of my family and
the happiness of my wife.

Then I did something that I always feel guilty about, I went on a
matrimonial site. This is kind of funny because I never stay long, at least
not long enough to become engrossed in the posts. I always feel guilty and
click out. I should feel guilty because this would be breaking our
agreement if I were to initiate a conversation or something. If it is
something that I really want to do (surf personals) then I should discuss
it with my wife. Anyway the agreement still stands she still holds the keys
to that door. I also think that she gets apprehensive at those kinds of
actions. I rationalize that her deciding is the best thing because I will
become hyperfocussed and do something stupid.

I'm out now running errands. In walmart picking up laundry soap. I want to
swing by Barnes and skim through this book.

Friday, May 05, 2006

Beliefnet Taking too much time.

I have been posting on Beliefnet instead of here. I don't know I suppose that can count as posts. Maybe I should repost my posts here. Maybe not.