Friday, November 28, 2008

BLACK FRIDAY

The Sales!! The Hysteria!! The Nonsense!!

So it is BLACK FRIDAY and everyone is running out and buying stuff up like nonsense. (This whole starting posts thing and not getting past the first initial lines is starting to get annoying) So I went out and started looking around to see what I can see and I saw absolutely NOTHING of value. There was nothing that I needed. I didn't buy anything, well that isn't exactly true, I bought a pair of shoes for $10 which wasn't a real sale because I can get shoes for that price at WalMart everyday and a showerhead which I actually did need. My brother went out at 5am to buy stuff and he shopped all day and didn't buy anything. It is not like I have a ton of disposable income or anything. It is however amazing how things are just ridiculous like that. So away with the people of Black Friday. I was really going to buy some new jeans, but I really didn't need any. I'm not in impress mode. I still have my regular attire. Jeans and T-shirt and it is kind of universal 365 type of get up.

I'm looking forward to Eid though this time I will actually get to go. HooHah! So things are going great. Except for my badly neglected blog. I think I will start blogging by email, but when you do that you can't add the tags that I have recently started slapping on. Oh well. I don't think people use them anyway. Well that is all for today I have some other things I want to blog about, but I just don't have the time.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Where do Weekends Go?

Normally when I am feeling all chipper I blog everyday sometimes mega-blogs, but when I am out of it all or actually busy then I don't blog at all it seems. Such is the case with this weekend. Plenty happened and I had no time to blog about it. Friday I got off early and went to Jummah Alhamdulillah. After Jummah I went and made calls for my second job. Then went back for Maghrib and Isha. I had some wonderful talks with the brothers. Came home crashed and then woke up early for Fajr.


Blah Blah Blah yeah I'm still here, but I'm really disfractured right now. It is the only way that I can explain an A.D.D breakdown. It is the end of the cycle before I get everything back together again and start off at full steam ahead. I'm tired and sleepy, disconnected from others but focusing on Allah. Life goes on. They repossessed my car so that is one thing down.
I am thinking about just letting them take it all and then pay off my bills and everything. Take the houses. It would probably take me less time to pay off the difference of those loans that way than anything else. They say that after two or three years foreclosures come off your credit. So hell that may be an option.

Not blogging about my personals anymore as I have gave my word to Sakinah that I would come back and move back in. That is all that I am going to say on that. I don't want to be a part-time parent, but I trust in Allah for the best results. So that is it. I have some ideas that I want to write about, but I am just not organized to put them together. See you all around.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Chain Emails

You know you get them. One of your friends has to send them to you so I got this lovely story the other day from my cousin and I won't post it here because it isn't all relevant just the sign-off had that sticking flavor.

'Work like you don't need the money,


love like you've never been hurt, and


dance like you do when nobody's watching.'

It is the second one that really gets under the skin. Knowing that I love my wife, hating this fucked up situation, and trying to live the rest of my days. I am usually fine when she doesn't call and I would probably be doing worse if the no-contact order was lifted. So how do you go about loving like you have never been hurt? Especially when you are still hurting. Some of it is probably my fault. I keep wanting closure, she keeps saying she wants to put this whole ugly mess behind us. A big part of me wants to. I want to drink myself into a stupor (and I can't stand liquor) and just pretend this is all a bad dream. However there are just too many facts for that.

I don't want to start over. I don't want another relationship. I don't want to get married again. She is not going to give me my kids. I won't get married again. I'm done it hurts so bad, there are just some things that you can't fix. I can't be that husband again. The only thing I can be is a father. So I have to try to do the best that I can. Right now I just really miss my kids.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

How do you say that? Jyvskyl

I have readers from Finland and it showed me one day through my sitemeter account which I am always looking at for stats that their server is in Jyvskyl where exactly that is I have no idea in Finland no doubt but how exactly do you pronounce it? I'm sure it is a lovely place, full of crisp clean air and all I was just curious how would I go about pronouncing something like that. Wikipedia had no answers unless it is two words Jyv Skyl which is even more confusing by multiplying the confusing power of the first word by two. Hopefully my Finnish friend will shed some light on this syllabic query.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Getting to Closure

Closure is a very important part of the end of any relationship and obviously I am having issues. I know I keep saying that this is the last post but it is creeping closer to the end, I mean how many days has it been since the last this is the last time? So I am reading wikiHow and I come across this article http://www.wikihow.com/Get-Closure and I start working through it.

I was going to post that process here but it would violate my disclosure principles. However my main issues are that I am very angry and wronged and I haven't laid that to rest. It resurfaces every time that I look through old photos or look at my children. I try to reconcile it by making excuses for her. I search her mental state because if this was all done by a stable person it would be even more insane. Then I concede that it was my fault, but I wasn't doing anything. Sometimes it happens though you are just sitting down minding your own business and then the number 32 bus splashes into that water puddle on the side of the road and completely drenches you. You have to move on, but just like that pigeon whose lover just got killed I keep coming back sitting at the bedside of my dead relationship then I get angry all over again.

Then there is the ever present fact that I STILL love her like nobody's business good grief. I look at those who have let their love go and then live the rest of their lives regretting it. I suppose I will be one of them. I was in love once and it was beautiful and she was my everything and she owned my heart and she still does and sorrow knows no rest in a true love lost. A love that was comforting on a winter night, but I shall not become obsessed. I asked Allah once and if my heart rests I can ask Him again and surely my Lord can give me something better than this. Surely my Lord can bring my heart rest. Surely my memory will fail me, but memory seldom remembers the bad in those whom you love and I have forgotten much, but the stinging memory of the betrayal goes on, on both sides I'm sure. Sakinah has an excellent quality for moving on, she just cuts off and forgets and does a complete purge of the offensive party from her system and lives on happily ever after. She deletes all memory of the person and calls it a day and it really doesn't matter who that person is. I suppose if I didn't love her so damned much it would be just as easy for me too.

In the steps to closure it really addresses persons that are single when they got together and are single when they leave and not really for married persons. The Steps and suggestions are:

· Define Loose Ends

· Forgive the other person

· Apologize

· Hold a ceremony.

· Write a Story.

· Begin a New Chapter

· Make a Video.

So I have done one and two. I have apologized several times for the things that I have done. I think I will hold one of those floating Japanese candle things for the funeral ceremony. Then I will write a story and it will be rather long I think and lots of pictures. I don’t know if I will post it or not, but I will write it. Maybe I will switch over to Wordpress and write it and allow a very select group of readers the password. Since everyone get soo upset with what I post and that would get into some very personal disclosures. I don’t mind disclosing stuff about myself but other people don’t feel the same way so where they are concerned I will treat them with discernment. Then I will make the video and that I may post. I do know that I don’t ever want to get married again. I’m good, I will be ok we are all going to be ok. This is all an Illusion and the only thing that matters is my relationship with Allah and in that I can find solace. Insha Allah.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

The amazing book!!

We Muslims have a comfort in this Quran of ours. If you study it from three spheres you cannot come away from it but in awe. If you study it as a secular course of study there is so many things to learn from it. the nature of the sea and the birds and animals. Plant life and other variations of science. I have been looking through it and wondering as a part of memory how it continually delivers the same message. Everytime I have read the Quran what ever was troubling me specifically it has rooted out and struck on the head. If you study it to understand what you need to do for your own self improvement it is very direct and to the point. It puts everything into perspective in a way that your own intelligence can understand. Lastly it tells you what you can realistically expect from the world. It explains to you in detail a psychology course like no other. It explains natures of group think. Pharoanic governmental schemes and much more. It is a complete book.

In my readings now that I am single there is a constant refrain. Do not have any part of Illegal Sexual Intercourse. I have been blessed that my desire is gone and I am not in a urgent need of female companionship. Life is going along well. I am able to focus on my goals. I just need to handle my business and move along. The next one that sticks out is that detach yourself from this world past what is necessary for survival. Focus on the process and not the end result. Live for the present moment and make that relevant so that tomorrow will take care of itself. There was an excellent wisdom in not telling humanity when the hour will come for if that was the case then surely we would have all waited for it with the intention to correct our deeds right before the end. This procrastination is inevitable. I procrastinate on things that will bring me good, I can only imagine the level of collective procrastination that we would endure if we all knew when the hour was going to be.

It is Time for Fajr. Salaams

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Reflecting on Quran

The Quran is an awesome book, but of course most of you know that. Today I was reading in Surah Ankabut what I had written in a previous post but I was paraphrasing so I wanted to give it to you all straight from the source.

Recite (O Muhammad) what has been revealed to you of the Book (the Quran) and perform As-Salaat (Iqamat-as-Salat). Verily, As-Salat (the prayer) prevents from Al-Fahsha' (i.e. great sins of every kind, unlawful sexual intercourse) and Al-Munkar (i.e. disbelief, polytheism, and every kind of evil wicked deed) and the remembering (praising) of (you by) Allah (in front of the angels) is greater indeed [than your remembering (praising) of Allah in prayers]. And Allah knows what you do.


That was what I was trying to say with my paraphrasing and the Prophet reiterated that in a hadith. There was another Ayat about have you seen him who follows his lusts and that was also a very key Ayat:

28:50 But if they hearken not to thee, know that they only follow their own lusts: and who is more astray than one who follow his own lusts, devoid of guidance from Allah. for Allah guides not people given to wrong-doing.
So I took in these two Ayat and toiled over them and how true they have been in my life. I look back to the time that I had girlfriends and I knew that it was wrong and I would go and pray and then enjoy their company and then go and pray and how it weighed on my heart. It tore me up inside because I had wanted to be on the level and marry them so that I wouldn't be out there like that and it would play on me. So I had to leave it and I ran into a relationship with my wife. It was an answer that Allah had specifically chosen this woman for me. She was an answer to my prayers.

So then I look now at my situation and now that I am single again I cannot willingly go into another relationship that I know is not going to go anywhere. I cannot in good conscience play the field so to speak. I know this and I have been surprised at the level of resolve my Lord has given me. When you make Salaat and you keep it and protect it then it becomes an effort to truly go out there and do something against Allah. Some things are easier to do even though you know they are wrong, but you still are aware that they are wrong and you feel something in your heart about it. So eventually you get to a point of acceptance and your Deen slips or you leave that thing altogether and you are exonerated for it. I look at my trials and how I have handled them. I think that I have done poorly in the area of resolve. When I wanted to divorce my wife earlier when these things started happening then I should have done that and moved on from there. This has not been an easy test for me. I have fallen into despair and cried out to my Lord and asked for increased understanding and patience. However over the whole of the entire test I think that I did rather poorly.

Now in the final hours of this I reflect and wonder where am I to go from here. I will have to do little girls hair from now on and I only fiddle with my hair when I have to comb it. That is when I know it has to come off and I cut it. So life is going on.

Today I went to the Masjid and prayed Fajr I was just in time. I am bummed because the moved the time back to 6am so that means either I have to pray at home or risk being late to work. After Fajr I stayed in the Masjid and read Quran. I have been knocking off Juz after Juz and I feel great about that. Then I went home and did some things on my new Linux system :) well it is not new I just got the Wireless to work. I am finding with linux you really have to know what it is that you are doing. Turns out that my last install of the system I corrupted my ownself by deleting some key things that it needed to function. There are several things that I like about Linux. One is that it is so clean and bright. The lines are all very clear and everything. Everything is represented in a very crisp appearance. Now that my internet is up and running on it I am really enjoying the fact that my hard drive isn't spinning all the time like it was under Vista. It is much faster, uses less processing power and does more. On the downside though if you do run into a hardware/software conflict you can spend days trying to fix it. That is the only bad thing that I can find to using Linux. Other than that though it is great. I will feel much better when I find out where different things are stored and where my stuff goes when I download something and then there is the problem of readily installing stuff. That can be frustrating.

So then I went to my Battery prevention class and we had a lively debate about the necessity of school intervention needed to prevent chidren from making major life changing mistakes. This topic has come up before about the necessity of teaching children positive coping skills at a young age. The facilitator mentioned that it needs to be a multi-pronged attack at equipping children with the necessary tools of life to prevent them from making bad decisions that will have life changing consequences. Then we got into a big theological discussion about the roots of Christianity and that was interesting but it was kind of one sided because I knew more, or at least spoke more. It was interesting nonetheless. I did a little Dawah for today and felt good about it.

Then I went to Costco and came home and napped. Naps are always a good thing. I am so tired even now and it is only barely 11pm. I need sleep. I have to write up my marks too and I have been dreading that and I really don't want to do it, but hey it is something that I must do.

My Mom needed to run some errands and so I ran them with her. I found out that my aunt married a man that is old enough to be her father, but she is happy and she has had a bad hand at love. So insha Allah this will work out for her. I am happy for her. My cousin used to go and cut their grass when he was in school. He was one of the places that was on his fixing list. He should have become an engineer and I suppose he still can. I knew her husband so it was refreshing to know that she finally had somebody.

My Mom is so giving when then visited with my cousins around the corner for a bit and then we went to my aunts that is blind and we visited for a bit and had another discussion about Deen where I went on about Deen in a more mutual discussion because my Mother and Aunt study the Bible. I elaborated on the stories of Isaac and Ishmael and that was nice. We had a good time and then we left from there and went and dropped some clothes off by an Adult Living Facility along with some sugar cane. I remember eating sugar cane on the farm as a young boy. It is always delicious, better than gum.

Then my Mom and I went on to the Masjid where they had family night and we had a great time. My Mom enjoyed herself and that was really all that I cared about. I think she has a contact for a boat for her fishing club. Which should be nice because her clubs current boat is broken most of the time. So they might rent it. She was really impressed with the sisters there. I was thinking that this is probably what my wife and her would be doing while I was in Bahrain but that didn't happen. It did a couple of times so I don't want to throw anyone under the bus. My Mom enjoyed herself then too. So who knows Allahu alim.

Then I came home and my Mom wanted me read this article about this German convert Sven K something or another Karsch, Kirsch I forget but in it he states that it is possible that Prophet Muhammad didn't exist it was in the Wall Street Journal. I said that was ridiculous given the vast history of Islam. I read the article and basically it is this guys opinion and he doesn't give anything further than that as an evidence other than he openly states that religion is a crutch for humanity. The oxymoron in this bleeds of the ridiculous of the ridiculous LUDA. Anyway he give no evidence for this claim, nothing concrete that he is basing his opinion on it is just a professor of Islamic studies that has apostated (although he claims that this epiphany has not shaken his faith in Islam) and has now made the news. It seems that these days to become famous you just need to apostate and have a position that would draw attention. Where are these famous apostates now though no where as I can find them. Even the Satanic verses guy has fallen off the map. I'm glad I read it though.

So that was my day how was yours?

Friday, November 14, 2008

Linux and loving it!!

So I have been trying to go to Linux for the longest time. Like since I was back in Bahrain. Unfortunately I had not been able to get my wireless card to work. I have an Atheros card and to get it working well you need to futz with it. Then there is also the daunting fact that I can't find anything in Linux.In windows you know that this is run with this file and this is run with that file so it is easy to work your way around stuff. With linux however if you don't know what you are looking for everything is hidden. It is cool though because I can write all of my own scripts and stuff. However if that isn't your cup of tea then you will want someone to configure it for you. You can do anything on Linux that you can do on another system there is just a learning curve that you havee to fiddle with first.

So far I am happy. My hard drive isn't spinning like a madman. They spinning n they spinning. If you don't know where that is from don't ask, My keyboard seems a tad more sensitive in linux as well. I am going to hang with it for as long as I can. So far I feel I am doing ok with it though. I just have to get my webcam to work. Everything else works but the webcamm so I have to fix that. Then it will work safely though I am sure of it. I have to go to bed now. I was up until 2 am last night futzing with this thing. So now that it works I'm good.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Reflecting on my Nature

I have to post again to get that priapism post from being the first thing you see when you come to my blog. I have wanted to post for a while and I have two really long posts in the works but I haven't had the time to post them.

Wow so many things I have been going through, but there is one saying that I keep coming back to. If you take care of Allah, He will take care of you and then the saying of the Prophet about Salaat. Where he says never give up the Salaat as it will come between a man and his evil deeds, I am paraphrasing terribly but the jist of it is that a man can't do both. He can't pray sincerely and do dirt he will either have to leave the prayer or leave the dirt, and that is where I am.

When I found that my marriage was irrevocably broken I was going to do it all. I was going to go out there and find some girl and get it on with, but Allah protects me from foolishness. There are several times that I have been given the opportunity to indulge in sexual activities that Allah has protected me from. I fell asleep, I lost the mood, It was impossible to hook-up. Doors closed and then I reflected, doors closed and then I reflected and I have come to a place of peace. Take care of Allah and He will take care of me.

I am at peace again. Going to the Masjid for Fajr and Isha definitely and that is very nice. The brothers there are so warm and welcoming. There was a period where I was very tempted to get out there and get it on, but that has passed. It is not something that I can do. I know I can't and if I did I wouldn't forgive myself and there is just no reason to welcome that kind of guilt into my life right now. No reason to get someone else involved in my life in a non-committed relationship. I know I wouldn't forgive myself, because I haven't forgiven myself from the last time. So that it is I focus on my Salaat and worry about reuniting with my children.

I was talking to a friend and he asked me if I wanted to get back with my wife and the truth is that I do, but she would not be happy and I would not be happy although we would want to be. I don't feel that I can tell her anything. I don't see her as a friend or even a person with my best interest in mind. Then there is the issue of the lies, and there comes a point of my OCD with the truth. Until I have it all laid out I will obsess over it until it has been resolved. The Quran says take them back in kindness or release them in kindness and I feel too much rage and anger and bitterness to be kind. Even though I may in earnest try my best, I can hear the snide remarks. I hear them every other song, every other movie, every other passing conversation, ever present under my breath and when it is not said you will hear it in my silence, hear it in my eyes. I know my wife it would drive her mad. She wants who I was before I got on the plane and now through a myriad of lies that person is dead and the only thing left is this pile of crap. I do love her with all of my heart, but this is dead. My love will go on, but I know that the comments are there, they are there in my very presence. My accusations are here in my silence, so I know that she can feel it. She is a princess and she will not deign to be treated like a commoner. So it is dead at least for a while, but Allah can send water to a land that is barren and out of it bring fresh fruits.

When I think about it, I just get so angry so the best thing to do is to let it go and years down the road when the pain is forgotten and more of life's lessons have been learned then who knows. Allahu Alim, but all of my prayers to Him were answered and those answers led me here today. So we will see. Radical forgiveness necessitates a level of faith that I haven't attained yet. I have been depressed and angry and spiteful and bitter and that is no where to be trying to rebuild a relationship with a massive amount of broken trust. I am just being honest.

So onward with my Deen, onward with life, I will smile, I will live, I will pray. I will raise and teach our kids and they will be loved. One God, One Love, One destiny.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Reflections on single life

Slowly and surely it is starting to sink in. That I am single. I went to Applebee's tonight for their military appreciation meal. My food was free, my drink wasn't Kiwi Strawberry drank. LOL. So as I sat there reading through my Montessori in the Classroom book by Laura Polk Lillard and reflecting back on my relationship (I know I said I wasn't going to say anything else about it). It rang through my head that Lies will destroy everything you love. You can get deep into it and reflect on belief vs. Disbelief, but tonight wasn't that kind of night for me. Tonight I was just thinking about my kids, my marriage and my life. I sat there in my stall alone reading how children learn language effectively in an indirect way. It was very interesting and then I went on to practice some drills out of my Break-through rapid reading by Peter Kump and I found out that I am a woefully inadequate reader. 120 words a minute and even less than that in comprehension. It could have been that it was late and my brain had slowed down but still that is like the bottom of the barrel in reading and comprehension. So I will have to do something about it.

I had started writing this post on this day but I didn't finish and now I forget the thrust of what it was that I was writing. I am writing this on 11/18/2008 but the post date is on the day that I started. I hate that. When you start writing you should just finish so that it is all good. I was definitely depressed and reflective on that day. Sakinah makes it look so easy, she just stops and moves on and I realize what my problem is. I want justice, but there is no justice to be had it is just over that is all. It is just over and I am sad, but life will go on. It doesn't stop just because you had a bad day and if you don't change your attitude about it you will have a bad day tomorrow as well. I'm sure I will pick this thread up somewhere in the future. We will see.

Saturday, November 08, 2008

Priapism

So last night I got my blanket. I got my pillow. I was looking for my sleeping bag but I couldn't find it and that is bothering me now. I don't know where it is. So I was prepared to leave and then. My Mom asked me to show her how to use her new nutrition scale so I did and then I plopped down on the couch to read through the manual to pick up any additional tidbits of information and guess what? I fell asleep. No cover or blankets or anything. So I woke up at 4am and I had thought that I should just go but I had a case of Priapism and I wasn't going out like that. So I lay down and it didn't it stayed just like it was and it is now going on 7am so it has been going good now for a while. It always sucks and I have learned over the years things that work and things that don't in making it go down. Masturbation doesn't work. You would think that it would but it doesn't all you get left with is a regular orgasm and then it gets very sore and really hurts bad. So if you have it don't do that. What I have found that works best is exercise. Running, jumping jacks but something that is going to use a lot of blood and energy. Even then though I have had cases where that doesn't work either, but I don't want to go to the hospital over it. I left my running shoes at work so Hmmm what do I do now. I guess I will have to go get them. It will eventually go down though...eventually.

It is always welcomed to see it go away. Probably when I'm ninety I will wish for a good case of it, but the jacked up thing is this sex isn't normal when you have it. It doesn't feel like anything you want to experience and after you feel like an acupuncturist stuck needles all over your stuff and it still will not have gone down, now the pain is just more intense. It so sucks. Oh well such is life. I missed fajr at the Masjid so I hope to meet up with the Tablighi brothers tonight. If it has gone down by them. I think my record was 9 hours.

Friday, November 07, 2008

Purgatory

So I got the Kunta Kente band off of my foot. Yay to that right so I'm free to do whatever when ever right? Ah but I'm a Muslim so what does that mean exactly. Well for me it means that I'm not going to hang out with people at work because I don't want to be the Designated Driver to a night of wanton debauchery and senseless drinking. I don't feel like carrying drunkards around trying to sober them up while avoiding projectile vomiting. So that is out. I don't do clubs, hanging around people trying to be someone that they are not whilst interrupting girls trying to have a good time. I'm not trying to pick anyone else up so the club and or Barnes & Noble or the trendy Starbucks are out too. I'm new in town so I have my family and their friends and they are all busy, and or I don't want to go from one house sitting to another house sitting. Muslims never invite single people into their midst, because all Muslims are married you know and the single Muslims aren't any where you can meet them to hang out. So you are kind of stuck in this complete isolation bubble. Or at least I am because I suppose I'm kind of anti-social. That is one good thing about marriage, all the friends none of the conversation to get them. LOL.

So anyway it is Friday night and I don't know what to do with myself. So after Isha what happens the Tabligh is in town going out for the sake of Allah. Now personally I really don't get all into the Tablighi doctrine, but tonight I am seriously thinking about going to the Masjid. After my series of dark Pervy thoughts I know I need it. So they have come to the rescue. I suppose I am at that point where I could either run into the arms of Allah or make excuses to indulge my vices so guess what. I'm going to the Masjid.

Salaam

Thursday, November 06, 2008

A heart once saved

So tonight I had to get out of this room, so I left. I went to the Masjid and prayed and tried to go by this electronics store but it was closed. Then I went to Barnes & Nobles close to my wife’s house. I suppose it was in hopes of catching a glimpse of her and I stayed a little while. It is 2 miles outside of my bubble so I couldn’t get in trouble. I just figured she might be there tonight. However reality got the better of me and I knew that it was no place for me to be. So I left. Had I seen her it would have only ended in a good heart-shattering and that is just something that I really don’t need in my life right now. So I hauled ass out of there. I have enough problems dealing with my heartache than to try to catch glimpses of my wife.

 

Then I reflect the fact that there is no more us. She wants me back and my heart wants to come back, but my intellect cannot reconcile the lies, my heart doesn’t really care, but my mind does and it has been that way from the beginning. That is the struggle that you are seeing in me the wavering back and forth between my heart and my intellect. If she would have told me the truth upfront and kept on telling it and never lied to me we would never be here, regardless of how bad the truth was, I believe that. However I know me and as long as I am being lied to, I will be angry and then I know for a fact that this will never work. I feel she has a justification for lying, I suppose if I were in her shoes with her baggage I would lie too, but she knows me and she knows that I can’t operate with lies and where we are now is proof of that. Everything else is negotiable, lies are not.

 

So I left and I went to Starbucks and paid almost 4 bucks for a poorly made Frapaccino and that is the last $4 I will spend at that establishment. It is over rated. I like Costa Coffee much better, but they don’t have those in the states.

 

Life alone Yee Haah Oy what fun.

Forgiving Heart

I have been given a lot of good advice over these last few months and all of it have valid points. When my heart inclines to her I am given evidence of why I should stay my present course. I know that without the full truth I cannot go further. Leaving is the safest stance and it is the surest stance for me to take and in many respects the easiest, but it is not as easy as it looks, because I still love her. For those who say that I should leave and not look back because of what has been done to me they have a point. Then there are those who say to stay because you love her and you have a beautiful family together and it would be the best for all involved, and they have a point too. In the end the decision is ultimately mine, but in order to proceed I must have the full truth so that I can internalize it, process it, become at peace with it and then deal with it. Without this I cannot go on. The last time we spoke there were glimpses of it and my heart again inclined, but I stood fast. Forgiveness is not a problem. I have a forgiving heart and my heart has continued to look for excuses for her, from her childhood ghosts to her skeletons in her closet my heart forgives her at every turn, but my mind becomes enraged at the unsettled facts. If she were to come to me and tell me the full unadulterated truth with all of its ugliness then I could take her back and be at peace, but she has to lie to convince herself that the facts do not exist, because that would probably be too traumatic, so I worry for her because I see that she doesn’t know how to heal and I fear for her a hell of recycled pain as this life plays on repeat.

 

I know that I could do anything to make it work, but my displaced truths leave me bitter. If I only had the truth I could truly forgive everything and my heart and my mind would finally be at peace.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Reflections in history: The Obama Victory

Obama has won the presidency and some thought that it was a surprise. I was not of them as I believe that strategically it is a good move for those who are actually in charge. I suspect in this presidency we will see sweeping socialist changes. Why because people will still be in the euphoria of a historic victory. I find it no surprise that the two leaders that were to lead the Democratic Party were a woman and a black man. These two images represent two drastic diversions to the represented norm. A win will psychologically affect an opiate euphoria of the masses that will easily allow many social programs to become easily integrated into the common populace of group think. Group think is a powerful social concept that represents herd mentality. The Herd has been a common control term that has been used since England. It stands for the common people regardless of color or ethnic background, education or financial status. Who lost during the end of Bush's term, everyone who wasn't in the inner circle? So what the effect of a knee-jerk control mechanism is that you have a herd following the tune of a new drummer that is being controlled by the same owner.

Do I know what programs are on the line? No not really, but the policy is already set, the new regime will look just like the old one, but the news will report it differently. So we begin our descent into the plan of the few for the many. More prisons, more corporate pay-offs, National Id cards, less benefits, more corruption. Obama is destined to be a patsy. Watch. Don't criticize just watch, then you can say Muhammad told you so.

Monday, November 03, 2008

Too Damn Funny!!!



You have to open it up to get the full effect. It is funny though. Why black women aren't afraid of ghosts.