Thursday, November 13, 2008

Reflecting on my Nature

I have to post again to get that priapism post from being the first thing you see when you come to my blog. I have wanted to post for a while and I have two really long posts in the works but I haven't had the time to post them.

Wow so many things I have been going through, but there is one saying that I keep coming back to. If you take care of Allah, He will take care of you and then the saying of the Prophet about Salaat. Where he says never give up the Salaat as it will come between a man and his evil deeds, I am paraphrasing terribly but the jist of it is that a man can't do both. He can't pray sincerely and do dirt he will either have to leave the prayer or leave the dirt, and that is where I am.

When I found that my marriage was irrevocably broken I was going to do it all. I was going to go out there and find some girl and get it on with, but Allah protects me from foolishness. There are several times that I have been given the opportunity to indulge in sexual activities that Allah has protected me from. I fell asleep, I lost the mood, It was impossible to hook-up. Doors closed and then I reflected, doors closed and then I reflected and I have come to a place of peace. Take care of Allah and He will take care of me.

I am at peace again. Going to the Masjid for Fajr and Isha definitely and that is very nice. The brothers there are so warm and welcoming. There was a period where I was very tempted to get out there and get it on, but that has passed. It is not something that I can do. I know I can't and if I did I wouldn't forgive myself and there is just no reason to welcome that kind of guilt into my life right now. No reason to get someone else involved in my life in a non-committed relationship. I know I wouldn't forgive myself, because I haven't forgiven myself from the last time. So that it is I focus on my Salaat and worry about reuniting with my children.

I was talking to a friend and he asked me if I wanted to get back with my wife and the truth is that I do, but she would not be happy and I would not be happy although we would want to be. I don't feel that I can tell her anything. I don't see her as a friend or even a person with my best interest in mind. Then there is the issue of the lies, and there comes a point of my OCD with the truth. Until I have it all laid out I will obsess over it until it has been resolved. The Quran says take them back in kindness or release them in kindness and I feel too much rage and anger and bitterness to be kind. Even though I may in earnest try my best, I can hear the snide remarks. I hear them every other song, every other movie, every other passing conversation, ever present under my breath and when it is not said you will hear it in my silence, hear it in my eyes. I know my wife it would drive her mad. She wants who I was before I got on the plane and now through a myriad of lies that person is dead and the only thing left is this pile of crap. I do love her with all of my heart, but this is dead. My love will go on, but I know that the comments are there, they are there in my very presence. My accusations are here in my silence, so I know that she can feel it. She is a princess and she will not deign to be treated like a commoner. So it is dead at least for a while, but Allah can send water to a land that is barren and out of it bring fresh fruits.

When I think about it, I just get so angry so the best thing to do is to let it go and years down the road when the pain is forgotten and more of life's lessons have been learned then who knows. Allahu Alim, but all of my prayers to Him were answered and those answers led me here today. So we will see. Radical forgiveness necessitates a level of faith that I haven't attained yet. I have been depressed and angry and spiteful and bitter and that is no where to be trying to rebuild a relationship with a massive amount of broken trust. I am just being honest.

So onward with my Deen, onward with life, I will smile, I will live, I will pray. I will raise and teach our kids and they will be loved. One God, One Love, One destiny.

1 comment:

  1. Brother, Please stay focused on praying and Allah (swt) will make it easier on you. Take this time to reflect on yourself and make peace with your issues with your wife. Just remember with every hardship comes ease!!! Allah (swt) test the ones loved and your prize will come before you know it!