Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Black Hole Theory and the End of Days

I'm a thinker and sometimes to my own demise I think more than I do. I wish that were different because if I did twice as much as I think I would be dangerous. Well here's a thought. Allah in the Quran has scientifically proven just about everything and the disasters and the miracles aren't that far fetched in it at best. Most things are understandable with the exception of a few things which have to be taken on faith. It was on this premise that I started calculating or jumping to conclusions or possibilities rather about what Allah has told us about the Day of Judgment.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Just Pray for a brother

Whenever I talk to my Mom about my divorce she listens silently until I get to the point where I say that I am never getting married again. Then she becomes all up in arms. "Oh you should never say that." To this I think in one unanimous tone from the depths of my soul GET BENT! Obviously the dream of a loving and doting Muslim family is beyond my grasp so that fantasy can be shelved altogether. Maybe along with the whole polygamy thing too. So you see it is a win win all around. I don't have to hear any lies about how I'm the only one and all for one one for all tripe that marriage entails and no woman will have to hear about polygamy. Lying is not a strong point with me. Silence is though I can be silent about a great many things.

My Dad got it. He agrees that if the marriage that he is in now tanks he's hanging up his hat. My hat is hung. However it doesn't come without it's costs. For the last 3 Khutba's that I have attended, last 5 dars, and several random openings of the Quran it has all repeatedly and quite verbosely spoken about Zinna. The Effing Zinna trap. FFFFFFFFFuudge. Ya'll know me and that is a Day of Judgement ringer. Zinna is relatively easy to get into even if you arent looking for it. IF it is your weakness it will find you. Sheesh. Of course you can try to deceive yourself and be like well that's one that I'm going to have to live with and fix it all on the flip side, but in your head you know it doesn't work that way. When it goes in, people get hurt not to mention the STD roulette wheel that goes into effect. Gee Whiz.

Then you start to think that the contract Shia marriages or Mutaas aren't that bad. Then of course there is abstinence. Insha Allah I can swing that one. Well here we go into the realm of abstenence. Pray for a brother. I've heard a report that a famous Muslim scholar got remarried on his way back from his wife's funeral for the sole purpose of not falling into Zinna. Not because he was heartless, but because he was SMART! Me not so smart. I realize that dealing with it on the flipside is about as intelligent as smattering myself with fresh blood and then thashing around to defeat sharks. Dumb. Well I won't keep you posted on how I'm doing, because I'm not trying to get any sins added on to any sins I may or may not be committing. Just do me a favor and pray for a brother.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Suicide, The Lifespace continuum and Kufr

Talking about suicide is always a touchy subject, because there are some people out there who are very very serious about suicide. First I will let you know that I have thought about suicide as much as the next healthy well adjusted person. It is a human thought and it crosses one's mind in proportion to the depression that they may have. It is seen by some as the ultimate answer for a problem that seems insurmountable. When everything is dark and there is nowhere to turn ending it all for an ignorant person seems like a logical way of shelving all problems in life. This however can be nothing further from the truth or even reality. The real reality is Allah, and His Will is inescapable. Suicide is an attempt to buck a system that is un-buckable.

The first problem with suicide besides the obvious is that it doesn't change anything. The person is looking for an escape or a relief from oppression whether emotional, financial, physical or otherwise. However for those left behind it only transforms the problem from one thing to another. Then the seed of suicide is left for those dealing with the problem and anyone who references that person's death when legitimizing their own has added to the originator's tally of sins. Then there is the disruption of the Lifespace continuum (I will explain later). As disrupted the incidence of disruption is put on repeat over and over again until the Day of Judgement. Even if you committed suicide by overdosing on Bon Bons doing that over and over again ad infinitum would get seriously old after the 455 millionth time. So when I get thoughts of suicide that cross my mind after the appropriate A' oothu Billah. I look at the longterm afterlife effects of such a decision. There is a verse that specifically addresses this feeling. 78:40 (Y. Ali) Verily, We have warned you of a Penalty near, the Day when man will see (the deeds) which his hands have sent forth, and the Unbeliever will say, "Woe unto me! Would that I were (metre) dust!" Also Maryam's call in childbirth 19:23 (Y. Ali) And the pains of childbirth drove her to the trunk of a palm-tree: She cried (in her anguish): "Ah! would that I had died before this! would that I had been a thing forgotten and out of sight!"

Now before I start quoting verses and reaching for meaning I want to lay something down on the line before I get a bunch of tunnel vision people telling me what is and what is not viable as scholarly quotations. All that I am saying here is that these quoted verses are points of reflection and are in no way meant to be interpreted as any kind of tafsir or scholarly rhetoric at all. That being said the next step into analyzing the suicidal mentality comes the true understanding of the lifespace continuum. The fact of the matter is that you were created LONG before you got here and you will exist LONG after you leave this place. That being said you must know when you were created as Allah states: 7:172 (Y. Ali) When thy Lord drew forth from the Children of Adam - from their loins - their descendants, and made them testify concerning themselves, (saying): "Am I not your Lord (who cherishes and sustains you)?"- They said: "Yea! We do testify!" (This), lest ye should say on the Day of Judgment: "Of this we were never mindful". When Adam was created all of his children (you and I) were created as well and we were asked as to who our Lord was to which we all replied in the affirmative that Allah was indeed our Lord. This is the seal, the inescapable yoke of what is actually reality. We are the servants of Allah willingly or unwillingly just like gravity it is a fact that will never change.

Now let's get into the meat of this Reflection. Suicide is not an answer because it doesn't address the condition in the first place. It only addresses the symptom or put blankly the vessel that houses existence. In the verses quoted by Mary (AS) and the sinner faced with the eternal punishment both of them at the instance address the solution. The solution is not death however NON Existence. Non Existence is the only way to escape the reality of and responsibility of existence. Through death the matter of existence is not addressed for we die daily. The issue is there is no disruption in consciousness. In Islam there is an understanding that when we go to sleep that Allah takes our souls unto Himself and then determines whether or not to give them back to us as He so sees fit. My point is consciousness doesn't break sync with existence. Whether you are dead to the world asleep or you are clinically dead for 5 or so minutes consciousness does not stop. What I am saying is that consciousness extends beyond the 5 minutes it extends on into infinity and suicide or murder or natural death don't stop it. Now this is where the skeptics can jump in however it is a historical fact that those who have been declared dead for some period of time and then are revived or revive themselves all admit that they never lost consciousness. There is no need for me to list the volumes of examples just google afterlife/ near death experiences and you will have your fill. The speech is consistent that all of them never lost consciousness. They were disconnected from their vessels and still conscience. Consciousness never ends.

Non-Existence however is NOT an option. You can't just pack it all up and exit stage left. It would be great, but impossible. WHY!! In short you said you could hack it. That is right, you looked at life and said that is a piece of cake bring it on and watch me shine, I can take whatever you have to throw at me after all how bad can it be? You did this possibly hundreds of years ago. Why would you do something so stupid (depending on how you look at it) well if you look at it on the scale of infinity how long are you actually down here? If a day in the life is equal to 1000 earth years how much is 66 - 100 years going to hurt? Honestly? Even if you were tortured each and every day of your whole human life and you bore it with the understanding that this is only going to last for a second or two then would you do it? Now look at this If you are in the heavenly knowledge of what you get on the other side it is kind of like truth or dare. Maybe that other reality show where people do all kinds of crazy things for the grand prize. Like eat scorpions and what not. So it is kind of like this you were in a place that wasn't this life and you were offered all of the riches your heart could desire and the amount of riches was directly proportional to the kind of tripe you had to go through on earth what exactly would you do? If I promised you a Million Dollars if you stubbed your toe would you do it type of thing. So in summary we all saw the glory or possible glory and said I'm all in and so that is why we are here. There is no exiting the race we are here and that is that.

Now comes Kufr (disbelief in the oneness of God). This is the point as some instance of life where denying the obvious seems like a viable solution. I just fell off of Mount Everest the ground does not exist phenomena. As if disbelief in smashing to the ground at 150mph is going to solve anything. Kufr is the belief that disbelief somehow buys an out of an inevitable situation. That it somehow unlocks the restraints of the deal we brokered with the Almighty. WRONG!!! and very very stupid. It is what Shaytan did when faced with the fact that he wasn't Allah's golden child. He knew that there was no way out of it, There was no changing Allah's mind, He and his kind had missed the boat to greatness and he would be playing second fiddle. So he tried cleverness and asked for respite until the Day of Resurrection, because he couldn't ask for Non-Existence. Then he foolishly divulged his onslaught against humanity. Now imagine if you are looking down from pre-human existence you can see blatantly that Shaytan's scheme is juvenile and faulty however down here without faith they seem very thought out and thorough. That and we have faults like anger, resentment and malice that makes us maleable to foolishness. However if we hold on to faith we can see that resistance is futile and Allah is irresistible.

The fact is you will smash into the ground unless you look to Allah to save you, regardless of whether or not your vessel makes it or not. Your vessel smashing into the ground from Mount Everest is the LEAST of your problems. It will not KILL you specifically YOUR EXISTENCE. YOur vessel may pass on, but you have a whole eternity before you and now the time to pay the piper will have begun.

So in closing I want to recap. Suicide will not put an end to it all and is dumb, and throwing tantrums and saying that you aren't falling towards certain doom isn't going to help either. What is the solution? Worship Allah Subhannahu Wa Tala with all of your might for HE alone can save your consciousness or punish it. The Quran eliminates every possible human excuse for not attaining excellence period. If you read it cover to cover you will find that you are left with no excuses for failure of any kind. Personal, Marital, Professional, spiritual it literally leaves the human being no excuses to justify failure. So live your life and know that your life is what you asked for because you saw the treasures on the other side. The Deen is easy, sin obscures vision, stop the sin and reconnect to the Almighty and attain the true success.

I pray for all of you.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

My Conversion Story

It had been promised and even requested so here it goes.My journey to Islam was very simple. It started with a question that sprang up right around my Baptism "Can someone please explain the Trinity?" The question was essential for it irked me to no end. What purpose did it serve. How was it integral with all that went on in the Universe. How did it play out in everyday life, In Creation, In destiny. What was the purpose of this Triune GodHead? The answer when asked to any of my parents, clergy, friends, experts all resulted in nothing but utter babbling and confusion so I did what every other Christian does just accepted it and had faith. Thus my faith in Christianity remained until the 80's.

In the 80's I was in high school at the height of the budding hip-hop era. Break dancing was all the rave and I was right there engrossed in the music. Afrocentric beats and defiant end of racist oppression lyrics were common place. Then enter a beautiful light in hip-hop with a glorious trend of historically educational rap. KRS One leading the pack, Poor Righteous Teachers, X-Clan and the unforgettable Public Enemy. It is here in the politically vibrant lyrics of public enemy that led me to the Deen or at least planted the seed for my path. A singular verse played over and over again "Farrakhan's a prophet and I think you oughta listen to, What he can say to you, What you ought do, follow for now..." The words stuck and the research began. The flea market was the door to leather Africa emblems sold by Koreans and the Tape man. The Tape man had all kinds of stuff from mix tapes and all other kinds of copyright piracy to Farrakhan and Malcolm X tapes. Without the hip-hop driving sales this type of historical memorabilia would have never sold. It was here that I began looking for the Farrakhan tapes and buying them. I bought his stuff and Malcolm's talks. They were so vibrant and full of life. They filled the void that is so lacking in young black youth. His topics were on point and inspired action. I was then prompted to purchase Black history books written by blacks to fill in yet more gaps. It was a beatiful time in my life so much meaning and learning.

It was so simple and it answered the Trinity nonsense. One God, One Humanity, Humanity worships God. Everything else fell into place. Confusion about religion dissipated like ice in the Sahara. Islams philosophy is that God is one without partners and there isn't anything simpler than that. I was still very new in this concept of belief and there were a few technicalities to work out, but beyond this basic concept there was nothing to question. The religious aspect of Islam was still a thing to get under my belt though, but that was to come soon.

One warm summer day I was walking to catch the bus reading Message to the Black Man by Elijah Muhammad when a car slammed on its brakes catching my attention a brother dressed dressed rather dapper ran over to me asked me what I was reading and invited me down to the temple. I agreed and made preparations to go down and check it out. The Temple if I remember was down off of 12th ave and 54th street somewhere. It was in the hood in what seemed like a converted church. Women in back, men in front all business. The F.O.I had security and it was a event of purpose. Charged with anti white man rhetoric and reasons why the Black Man has been oppressed. Prompting action and suggestions like do something drastic to the trade centers. I can see how these types of venues make it easy for recruitment into complete lunacy. Young impressionable men eager for solutions NOW who are sick and tired of being sick and tired would be duped into doing such acts. I know because I was there. I forget now looking back at it how easy it would have been to get me to do something really stupid. At least on the surface of it.

Anyway on the surface of it everything was nice and proper and very well respected. I felt good about myself, my blackness and my god. However there was one thing missing. Inside of this Temple there were chairs not rugs, service was on Sunday night not Friday, they prayed standing only and not kneeling and bowing and prostrating (don't ask me how I knew but I knew that Muslims had a certain way of praying. So I asked a single innocent question "Why don't we pray like all of the other Muslims in the world?" Then the answer "Well brother you see we are black people here and we don't want to scare our kind with that sort of thing" (paraphrasing) and I thought to myself do you mean to tell me that the Creator of the Heavens and the Earth who created this perfect religion for all of humanity that is easy to understand for all and is made to seamlessly fit in with human nature failed? Is it because I am a black man that I need the religion of the Almighty dumbed down and then spoon-fed to me by these self-appointed lackeys? I left immediately out of the temple. Crossed over 7th Avenue to Masjid Al-Noor and attended my first Jumuah. The speaker was Brother Qasim Ahmed and he gave a fiery highly intellectual talk. It was riveting. After the talk the Adhan was called and everyone got up and started making movements. Everyone stood up in even rows, special care was taken to ensure feet were on the line. The iqama was called and then there was silence. Allahu Akbar and then the recitation of Surat Bakarah and then there was the Ameen!! At that point I knew I was in the right place and I was home. Since that moment I have been Muslim every since.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Um Hmm

The truth of an old lie that was thought was the truth hurts more than ever. Is it true that a dead heart feels no pain. Even though it is covered and concealed. It still hurts there in all of its sullen glory. It hoped for freedom and a chance of summer rain warm and refreshing. But only acid fell. Now shriveled and dying encased by scars it beats slowly, maybe once a blue moon. It was once beautiful, but now waits for the one who knows true treasure whilst seeking through the discarded remains of memories past to find it. The healing though comes from one above.

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

My Silence

Hello all,

I know a lot of my fans have stopped by and said hello. Cheered me on and encouraged me to talk. I appreciate all of that. I have to say something about my silence. Besides me being busy with my photography business, giving photography classes and spending time with my kids every weekend I just haven't made the time. It is hurting me and it hurts every time evaluations time comes around because I'm out of practice of writing. However what everyone wants to know is my silence.

Well I have quite a bit to say on that actually. The number one reason for my silence is this. Islamically I'm not where I want to be and I don't want to be the excuse that someone justifies their slacking of Deen with. I know the rules and I have broken them and I don't want to be a justification for anyone else. My Deen is in the dumps, but Insha Allah there is hope yet. I am still praying all 5 prayers in their time and I try to make it to Isha at the Masjid. I fasted recently trying to make up all of my days of Shawwal. So I am still struggling through. My marriage well I can only leave this to say that my heart is broken and I'm not looking to do that again any time soon. I thought we were going to reconcile, but it seems that is not going to be the case. She calls and I don't call her back. I call and she doesn't call me back. We say we have sat by the phone waiting for the other to call that never comes through. I don't see how this is how we would have made it. In the future I really feel like "I'm not going to ask you any questions so you can save your lies" type of approach towards relationships right now. I don't want any promises of chastity, I don't want any promises of faithfulness, I don't want any promises of a beautiful future, Save it. You do you and I'll do me

As for Deen I'm holding on to the prayer as tight as I can. That ultimately is the best advice that I can give anyone. I believe even if you are down and out. Depressed and despondent and possibly even suicidal I believe the practice of Salaat is what will pull you through in the end. Also even if you don't pull all the way through one of those Salaat that you are doing may be a benefit for you on Yaumin Qiyyamah. Just don't give up the Salaat.

I'm not promising that I'm going to start writing again, but I'm hoping for the best and Insha Allah I will see you soon.

Friday, September 25, 2009

What a difference a day makes

Subhannallah it has been eons since I've blogged well life is what it is and it keeps on going on. I have decided to crawl up out of this hole that my Deen has fallen into. My kids if no one else deserves it. I have over the past couple of months let so much stuff just slide, including my parenting, but I owe them more than that. Today we will go to the zoo. Usually we have fun. I may have to buy them some swim clothes so they can get wet, but I don't have a stroller so I may have to skip that. We will see. Insha Allah I will start posting again soon. No promises though. Oh yeah Eid Mubarak I hope you all have done well by yourselves and family.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Ramadan Mubarak

AsSalaamu A'laikum everyone I am wishing you a happy Ramadan and hope that you and yours get every ounce of blessing out of it.

About me and mine well we actually decided that it is indeed over. There are things that she wants that I am not going to give and there are things that I want that she is not going to give and so we have an impasse so the responsible thing to do is call it quits. That is just what we did. I believe that is what is going on. Friday was my deadline and she asked me to compromise so I met her halfway as I saw that she compromised on some stuff and we moved it to Monday. Well today Sunday morning we decided that it just wasn't going to work. So such is life I'm child support bound which I have no qualms with.

I go to see my lawyer on Tuesday and she will let me know how we need to proceed @$95 an hour, she's worth more but I have preferred legal. Normally it is something like $2oo - $400 an hour so it is a deal, but it racks up. One of the houses is in foreclosure so I think I will let it go. That's the bad one the VA home which means when WE retire they will come after our social security checks until it is all paid back. Oh well it is not like I was going to strike it rich anyway.

We met in the blessed month of Ramadan and we are divorcing in the same month. Subhannallah.

For the record I have not loved a woman nor do I expect to ever love another woman like I loved her. I pray insha Allah that I can just remain single for the rest of my days. I have to work it into my schedule to keep on top of contact with the kids. I'll have them on weekends, but from what I knew before Life gets in the way if you let it.

I have no idea what I'm going to talk about now. Hope however has bled out.

Peace,

Read the blog and don't make the mistakes I made that is why the blog is here.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Death of Hope





There has been a culprit to all of this pain and the culprit's name has been hope. Today he has been taken outback and a bullet put through his head. So much for that. we can both be commended for our bravery. We can both be commeneded for our unwavering resolve and hopefully we can both be commended for going through with our divorce in the most amicable and respecful manner.

Hope is now dead and all of those people who said "girl you are not being unreasonable at all you stand your ground" can give their pats on the back and at-a-girls all day long. I can look in the mirror and commend myself for not losing self-respect or at least any more of it and tell myself YES I held my ground and I really showed her. However at the end of it we will both be divorced and we will have traded our self-respect and pride for our family.

What did it all boil down to? She demanded 3 things that to be truly proven would have taken longer than my Friday deadline to achieve. She wasn't going to budge and neither was I. It wasn't that she wasn't willing to move in and it wasn't that I wasn't willing to do the things she asked. However you want to word it. We were unable to meet each others ultimatums in the time allotted. So now we will be getting divorced on the earliest possible appointment.

That is how it is done. That is how you get a divorce. We won't bend so we broke.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Stuff that doesn't readily come to mind.

Have you ever thought about things that don't readily come to mind? Here are some things that I have thought about.

  1. Werewolves - Werewolves are well wolves right. Yet you have never seen them in their movie fame running around sniffing female werewolves butts, or even their preys for that matter.
  2. If you become a werewolf will you finally be able to lick your own balls?
  3. If a vampire bites someone with A.I.D.S do they get A.I.D.S?
  4. If they don't get A.I.D.S then could it be construed as a cure? Which could lead to the possibility of some well meaning vampire troop going to Africa to cure the ailing region of the horrible disease only to have them all vaporize by morning due to lack of suitable shelter from the sun com morning.
  5. If you are ill prior to becoming a vampire or a werewolf does your illness mutate with you and then wouldn't the mutated disease be essentially more lethal that the vampire or werewolf combined.
  6. In horror films the shock is usually caused by surprise however I think something that would be more frightening are things like social apathy where vile acts can be taken place in broad daylight and nothing is done about them until after the fact. Things like all of the things that go into place to institute social genocide like the weeks that lead up to a nation turning on itself.

Just thoughts that have no real place, but float around randomly amongst the dustbunnies of my mind.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Be comfortable with your patch of earth


In the process of dealing with severe emotional turmoil in your life the advice from those on the sidelines reads much like African - Americans commenting on a horror show. If I was in that situation I would... Inevitably advice from all around comes in on what you should or should not do and what you are or not justified in asking or doing. However one must ask is this a true opinion or is this a looking in the mirror. In the end the end result is entirely in your hands and at the end of the day you need to be completely satisfied with that result.

If everyone tells you to hold your ground while you are standing in front of a tank in tiananmen square or like Rachel Corey you stand in front of a tank in front of the villages only source of water against the Israeli tank then ultimately you need to be comfortable with the outcome of holding that ground. If you want to hold your ground and your result is being fired, killed or divorced then you need to be happy with that before you pick that piece of dirt and dig in.

I have been happy with my patch of dirt every since April 16th 2008. Hope is the only thing that has prolonged this situation, but my patch of dirt I have been happy with since then. Now the time has come to crap or get off the pot. A sunset to this drama and on with the rest of my life. We will see what happens on Friday.

Peace.

Sin is how pain enters our world. It is caused by being impatient with God's plan to elevate our status in life. - MS

Saturday, August 15, 2009

What Happened on Monday?

So you have been waiting to find out what happened at the outcome of my court case. Well if you know the legal system there is a bunch of hurry up and wait. So this wasn't it. It was only a preliminary for something else.

What was it? Mediation, where the couple sits down and comes to a conclusion on how to end the relationship once everything is agreed upon you sign this document and then you are out. Well everything went so well and was so amicable that my lawyer just volunteered to write it all up and submit it to the courts. Well needless to say my lawyer got busy and then I sat down with her and she says that although all of the i's were dotted and the t's crossed she is not signing that piece of paper. My first reaction was like what? Why not? In my head I am thinking that she just finished giving me 50 million reasons why it wouldn't work and now she is telling me that she doesn't want to get divorced, huh? She was here, in my house, then she went back to where she was, and is going to try to make it work from there? WHAT!!! kind of madman sense does that make?

So what to do now? Well as I see it one of us is going to have to do something. I am willing to do a lot of stuff to make it work there is just some stuff that I am absolutely NOT going to do. There is just some stuff that she is NOT going to do and seems like the problem is that they cross so we get stuck and a full stand still. Well I am not going to stand here in this crap for another year, month, weeks. I think one of us needs to put a date on this thing. Doesn't look like she is willing to do it so I am going to do it. This Friday the 21st is the last day that I will try to do anything concerning this marriage. After that I quit, no reconciliation talks, no more effort, no nothing. I'll just wait until the court system gets around to giving us a date. You can only do this for so long before you have to come to your senses and see that either it is or it isn't going to work and if only one person is willing to work towards it then it isn't going to work.

That is where I am. So I will update you again on Friday.

Sin

Why such a title? Well let's get into it. This is one of those posts that I had actually thought of long ago and didn't write down so the gist of what I wanted to say may get lost in the sauce, but hopefully it will just get condensed to what really matters.

So you are standing there with your lottery ticket in your hand, your lover is ready and waiting for you at the peak of anticipation, your 45 is cocked and pointed at your head and what do all of these things have in common? You can't say Bismillah before you do any of them and whatever happens after you cross over to the wrong side of that decision will curse you for the rest of your days. Well theoretically Allahu Alim.

The believer with knowledge of what is right and wrong is in a even worse position. There are no excuses that can be offered for what he is doing or about to do. When you have knowledge you come up with some pretty wild justifications to negate any sin. For example suicide, you really can't commit suicide there are things that you can do to attain it, such as going into a drug den and call 911, alone. Begging Allah to delete your existence, no harm no foul no heaven or hell just cross me off all lists, but that is impossible as well.

So you go on living life. I came up with this the other day. Sin is caused by one not being patient with the test that Allah has given them. Sin is how pain enters the world.

Sunday, August 09, 2009

The Pig and the Princess

















As the hours wind down on this thing we called marriage if it can even be called that slipping into the last hours, months whatever of this union what is left is nothing to write home about. In the end I was certain of nothing. Honesty, effort, integrity, sincerity nothing, but between now and the signing there is one thing that there will be. Music, very loud music.

I was told so many things including 50% of the reason she was going back from whence she came was the comfort level of cleanliness of my place. So many reasons, back to back her fear or insincerity shining through in the end I don't truly know. For whatever reason it didn't work and I am not going to beat her down about it on my blog. It is over and in a few hours it will be signed and done.

As for myself trying to reconstitute a heart from an IDGAF attitude was more than daunting. I tried with what I had to give. 100% of 1 out of 1,000 is less than desirable when the remembered amount was 995 and I suppose we were both guilty of that. When there is genuine love there with out fear or frustration even a little works. Of course Allah says it best here:

  • 2:265 (Y. Ali) And the likeness of those who spend their substance, seeking to please Allah and to strengthen their souls, is as a garden, high and fertile: heavy rain falls on it but makes it yield a double increase of harvest, and if it receives not Heavy rain<, light moisture sufficeth it. Allah seeth well whatever ye do.


  • I think that the key hurdle in this reconciliation was not my lack of trying but my lack of trying to restore my faith. Void of faith and connection with Allah that had so fed and protected me, this was simply impossible at this time. My heart was so cold and disconnected from my Lord that there was no way that I could respond to what my wife needed. At least not in the 14 days she was looking for it. Still I struggle with my Deen and Insha Allah I can get it back together.

    I suppose my blog will go on and I am here for any advice anyone may want to indulge in. So my readers will be happy in that.

    So stand by for some choice juicy tidbits of what my grocery list? I think not. However I will be here everyday saying something out of the side of my neck. If life doesn't get in the way. So here we go. I have some things to say though a lot of telling it like it is.

    Thursday, July 30, 2009

    Fears

    Nothing can ruin progress more than fear. You live life, you tell it like it is, but fear will freeze you in your tracks and transfix you in the path of a charging grizzly as if you wanted to be eaten. That is what Fear does for you.

    Apathy however placates fear by withdrawing completely, anything can happen and you won't even care. Apathy towards bill collectors is probably the best you can get. Apathy towards heartbreak leads to IDGAF attitudes. Vexed indeed apathy allows you to safely withdraw.

    My scariest apathy though is apathy towards my Deen. That's a little hard to explain, because I don't feel like a kuffar but am apathetic about being a Munafiq so to speak. So I really don't know where I am in my Deen. It has taken a hit definitely and Tauba is elusive when you feel like it isn't sincere and how can it be with a IDGAF attitude? You want tauba but you can't really achieve it because for Tauba to be valid you have to have regret and you can't have regret if you don't GAF. So I am frigging STUCK and it is horrifying because when you did study you knew that this was a tough place to be in.

    Believers I swear to Allah Subhannahu Wa T'ala when I say don't get here, it is a place of regrets.

    Can I do this? Please give me strength, Ya Allah please!

    Blogs Lost

    I've been so busy. I have had blog post run in and out of my mind so fast but no time to write them down at all. Well the latest we are back under one roof... Reconciliation? I have been cleaning and cleaning not tidying up but deep cleaning. Wiping down the cabinets cleaning them out and organizing them. Stuff I should have done when I moved in, but I'm a bachelor so no need right. Then I should have cleaned it before she moved in, but I was waiting to see if it was all a mirage. So she's here. In my space and going crazy at the mess. 50 million more knick-knacks in the same real estate makes things messy REALLY fast. So my comfortably semi-clean place is now inundated with superfluous stuff, hers and the kids. So the cleaning and the straitening have taken up most of my time and not left a lot of time for talking and bonding. My fault yes and no, but I suppose my cleaning efforts leave a lot of make up bonding to the wayside.

    The first night back she slept on the couch. I was a bit miffed, but committed. The second night was a little better I slept on the couch with her. The third night I slept in my bed and she joined me in the morning. The fourth night we are apart again. Now we are on the fifth night she is sleep on the couch with the kids. I have just returned from watching a movie. An ex is on her facebook page. Mine too so I can't be too snooty or nitpicky. Is this reconciliation going to work? I don't know she wanted to talk today about so many things but I went to that movie and now she is sleeping and she needs it because she didn't sleep last night. We are both waiting to see what happens, well that is not really true. I suppose it is more like divvying up a slice of cake when someone asks for it and giving a sliver and asking is that enough and then giving a little more. She gives a little and waits to see if that worked and I give a little and wait to see if that worked and it appears that we get glimpses of hope that it is going to work and then we see something that tells us it isn't and we get discouraged. So it seems to me. She meets me at the door when I get home and I don't recall my response, maybe I am not animated enough and it appears like ambivalence so then she retreats to the sofa where she disengages in front of the computer. I then talk about anything but us and we take away from it something antiseptic.

    On the Third night I was very hopeful, but subsequent nights don't encourage me so much. So what am I to do? How excited can I really be and what can I show? I don't know I can only try harder while she is trying and hope for the best.

    The effects of my IDGAF attitude have reached further into my Ruh than I previously imagined. IDGAF is a safe place to be for someone who has gotten hurt so deeply. It allows whatever happens to you to roll off like water. However it has its consequences. If you take on the IDGAF attitude then you stop caring and everyone suffers. Your kids, your Deen, your job your life. So here I am breaking the chains of IDGAF and trying to actually give one. If I succeed it could save my life. It was so serious that I basically invited a man to blow my head off. Had he the gumption I'm sure he would have done it. However threats of death only really work towards people who are actually scared of dying. If a person wants to go then they are just words, empty promises from disgruntled miscreants. I'm still here so me and this heart thing are going to have to work things out. I just hope that I can do something about it before she throws in the towel. Kind of like winning the lottery seconds before dying. However if she does tomorrow will keep on coming whether I want it to or not, happy or sad it will come.

    Now enough of the doom and gloom. I'm not depressed right now. I'm struggling to revive my heart and shine through the doubt and mistrust. Harder than just saying "Ok babe I'm even better than before and I love you isn't it great". Somehow not quite that easy. However if we try we will make it. I'm sure.

    Think positive, be positive trust in Allah and insha Allah it will all come together, and I feel that if it does then our marriage will truly be FireProof. What are those steps again? Sorry for my grammar guys.

    Salaams

    Friday, July 24, 2009

    Blog robbed

    To my loyal readers I apologize to you. Just when things were getting juiciest in my life I stopped blogging. Mostly due to put a cap on rumor control. So that I could take a position to let the anger subside. A shift in focus so to speak. However many of the deep details of what was going on I didn't let on. Mostly it was more of the same. Here as I sit on the apex of a possible genuine reconciliation I may never blog again about personal reflections about my relationship. I have taken a position of yesterday dies at the door. No exceptions for either party.

    So the tone of my blog will change if not end altogether. We will see. So here we go looking into the brand new ether.

    Thursday, July 23, 2009

    Salute to Darrell "Shifty" Powers

    Darrell "Shifty" Powers.

    Shifty volunteered for the airborne in WWII and served with Easy Company
    of the 506th Parachute Infantry Regiment, part of the 101st Airborne
    Infantry. If you've seen Band of Brothers on HBO or the History Channel,
    you know Shifty. His character appears in all 10 episodes, and Shifty
    himself is interviewed in several of them.

    I met Shifty in the Philadelphia airport several years ago. I didn't
    know who he was at the time. I just saw an elderly gentleman having
    trouble reading his ticket. I offered to help, assured him that he was
    at the right gate, and noticed the "Screaming Eagle", the symbol of the
    101st Airborne, on his hat.

    Making conversation, I asked him if he'd been in the 101st Airborne or
    if his son was serving. He said quietly that he had been in the 101st. I
    thanked him for his service, then asked him when he served, and how many
    jumps he made.

    Quietly and humbly, he said "Well, I guess I signed up in 1941 or so,
    and was in until sometime in 1945 . . . " at which point my heart
    skipped.

    At that point, again, very humbly, he said "I made the 5 training jumps
    at Toccoa, and then jumped into Normandy . . . . do you know where
    Normandy is?" At this point my heart stopped.

    I told him yes, I know exactly where Normandy was, and I know what D-Day
    was. At that point he said "I also made a second jump into Holland ,
    into Arnhem ." I was standing with a genuine war hero . . . . and then I
    realized that it was June, just after the anniversary of D-Day.

    I asked Shifty if he was on his way back from France , and he said "Yes.
    And it's real sad because these days so few of the guys are left, and
    those that are, lots of them can't make the trip." My heart was in my
    throat and I didn't know what to say.

    I helped Shifty get onto the plane and then realized he was back in
    Coach, while I was in First Class. I sent the flight attendant back to
    get him and said that I wanted to switch seats. When Shifty came
    forward, I got up out of the seat and told him I wanted him to have it,
    that I'd take his in coach.

    He said "No, son, you enjoy that seat. Just knowing that there are still
    some who remember what we did and still care is enough to make an old
    man very happy." His eyes were filling up as he said it. And mine are
    brimming up now as I write this.

    Shifty died on June 17 after fighting cancer.

    There was no parade.

    No big event in Staples Center .

    No wall to wall back to back 24x7 news coverage.

    No weeping fans on television.

    Let's give Shifty his own Memorial Service, online, in our own quiet
    way. Please forward this email to everyone you know. Especially to the
    veterans.

    Rest in peace, Shifty.

    "A nation without heroes is nothing." Roberto Clemente

    I salute the man I know it was hard. My Grandfather served in Korea and my Father in Vietnam. There are hundreds of soldiers that come home everyday to no big deal and after risking your life everyday sometimes it is nice to know that someone cares and appreciates it. Several times in Bahrain we had scares, curfew adjustments, off limits places, riots and demonstrations. Then there was Kuwait which was a whole lot scarier. So thanks Shifty, many don't ask to go, many do and there are others that just find themselves there, but they all risk everything.

    Wednesday, July 22, 2009

    Pong



    The volley has been served it is back in her court. Her move, her decision, her resolve, her courage. My milestone has been met. My roommate is gone. My house is empty awaiting the arrival of my family and the start of our new life. My fear is poised, but I am at peace.

    Life will go on whether or not I want to live it. My kids will adjust to whatever decision that is made. The drama however will end and one way or another I will find peace and I pray that everyone else involved finds it as well. I apologize to all that have been hurt in this process.

    On 6/12 we were supposed to get divorced. We didn't because of her surgery. Somewhere between then and 6/28 she poured it on. On 6/28 I cracked and broke down crying and crap at the thought that I could see us together again. It was tenuous this period but I reserved my position dead heart, willing to try, mostly because of the waiting on the side to see if she was actually serious or not. We went to counseling two of those weeks and they were mildly productive. However the shield of ambivalence protected me. Now I have told her what it is and lowered my shield only to get slapped in the face, but I slapped her first, but they were only words not actions. The actions are in her court now so I will be patient. It is so far off, can this be over one way or another.

    Whatever...


    Fears Realized

    I know my wife and the ball is now in her court. I'm saying the same things that I have been saying for months. My heart is dead, BUT if you are willing to put things back together then I am willing to work WITH you, something that I haven't reserved for anyone else on this planet. I'm hurt and mistrustful of her but that is all something that I will have to suck up once the ball is in play. I would have to be committed and I was asked to do a milestone and I did it. Now all of my kid's clothes are out of my house and into hers and she has cold feet. Hmm Fears Realized, But there's still time. August 10th is just around the corner and at that time this pendulum will be broken. Whatever pain was inflicted will have to just heal. Whatever was believed will become fact whether it was true or not.

    I see her point and her fears. My fears I have explained to her in great detail. As fears they don't take on the most cordial conveyances, but that is what they are. Will we make it? I don't know, but for now I've done my part and I am waiting on her move.

    A Dead Heart is one that is impervious to pain. It is not really concerned with relationship stability, faithfulness, or loyalty. It is a SAFE place to be in the relationship jungle, but it has its weaknesses. In my case it affects my relationship with Allah, my family and friends and my desire to live life itself. I've already told one person that if they want to kill me just name the place and I will be there. I have my shahada poised at the end of my tongue all they have to do is squeeze the trigger. So although the fortress of a dead heart seems safe it is not really it is actually just sick.

    Going back into my marriage I would have to remove the armor surrounding it. Grow some balls and suck up the pain. I was at this point in February and I am willing to dig deep into myself to do it again, but now that the ball is in her court she is giving me reasons to keep the fortress around my heart intact. Granted I have spoken very frankly (insults and sarcasm and all) and she is a particularly sensitive person so it isn't going well, but I knew that. So we have a couple of days so we will see.

    Tuesday, July 21, 2009

    A Question of Hope

    My wife always says that I blast out on the net how she's dying to get back with me. Well not today. What I will say is that we are at the table of reconciliation. I am trying to get a realistic picture of how to navigate these new waters and frankly I'm scared out of my pants. Petrified even, but I have resolved to go on. Why because I love her and a year ago I was full of hope. Hope covered with pain but hope nonetheless. Now that my heart feels like a rock I can only imagine how much more difficult that it will be to succeed.

    I have to shore off all preconceived presumptions and bury the past and suck it up and move into the future. I have found a solace here in my solitude. It is no good for my Deen at all. It is a place where unsuspecting Kafira's get eaten alive and spit out like discarded wool. However the Dawn of my Deen is calling me to rise up out of these ashes.

    So many tests and SOOOOO many failures. Good Lord Allah can I just start over again. I will need my heart back first. Please clean the blackened Rohn from it and allow me to pray out my last days. Kick start my Deen for without it I will surely fail in anything else life has to offer. People please pray for me, cause we all know ya'll ain't going to send money. LOL No offense my readers.

    My family back together. Without blinders, without falsehoods and without the fairytale. Will it survive in the real world? Who knows, but my Deen Must be revived and my heart must be awakened.

    Will we make it? One day at a time. Yes we will. You get to a point where starting over in life is really not an appetizing option.


    Friday, July 10, 2009

    Recovery

    Jumuah today was about the Establishment of Salaat. I reflected deeply how off the mark I am. You hold on to the Rope to pick yourself up when you fall. To give you some strength in a sea of despair and misdirection. Here you are in the cold holding on to your Deen with all of your might. The thing about Recovery is this Yesterday doesn't exist. This is the most important thing to recovery. Just as the killer walked towards the village of the righteous if your recovery is sincere then you have a chance. So many times we half-ass it. However that is why we have 5 prayers. Fix it get it right. Will we ever? I don't know but here is another prayer to try again. So here I am trying again to get it right. Get it right before my last breath. I have prayed all of my reversion. Insha Allah one of those prayers will count. Cause my mind I know is all over the place when I pray. So I don't know if I should pray faster or dhikr throughought. I don't know.

    My Grandma Passed the other week and wow what a homecoming. They never sing that one song but it was a riveting experience nonetheless. More to come on that. Now though I have to go to bed. I started snapping at the kids and that is from not getting enough sleep. So now I must force myself to go to bed.

    Friday, July 03, 2009

    All things considered

    First and foremost I would like to apologize for all of those who link my blog to theirs and it shows the title in their little window thingy. Not the most Muslim of titles that last one. We are taking one step at a time to put our marriage back together. So we are supposed to be getting back together. We both have auxilliary baggage and collateral damage and neither one of us are skipping down Mulberry lane. Her alternative is a nice fully equipped non-arguementative package complete with new rather large house and brand-new car, nanny and allowance. Grade A school district for the kids and full Ikea bedroom sets all around. Me I have a friend who adores me, tries her best and whom I find comfort in. Now we are giving it all up to fix this broken house of cards.

    To pull this off it will take Balls of Steel on both sides. The emotionally easiest decision is to just walk away. I had all of the papers drawn up over a year ago all she had to do was sign them. I figured it would be the best thing to do. I would have eventually accepted being the non-custodial parent and probably took an adjustment period. So here I am going back into it, and I say that if it can be saved then let it be saved. I would rather try than not try. However you can't help but to stop to think how real is it. Furthermore what is a good plan of attack to peacefully live out the rest of my days?

    So here I am finding myself in a disconnected funk. Not really in any relationship. Yes I can be sweet and loving and caring, but it is different from loving someone because you know how to do it and being in love with someone and letting everything flow. So the arguement waned on where I told my roommate that yes I am a polygamist. I took this position after it all started, because when I realized that my marriage was over it was the safest position to take. No surprises, no less than honorable manipulations just say it like it is and let the chips fall where they may. If by chance I ever happened to fall IN love then I could modify it at that time or just let it be what it is. If I ever got married then I could be free to live with everyone on the same page. I never looked for a second marriage, but if one came along then there would be serious consideration before proceeding on. It would always be what it always was an option that could be taken IF it fit with my family.

    However at this point, being alone is the safest place to be. I've learned more on my journey. I'm not as strong as I thought I was, Allah knew that and that is why we have those rules, but no I thought I was different. I wasn't. So I know not to invite people to come and stay with me, unless I am already married, or they are male, because as honorable as I wish I was it just ain't that simple, for me. That AND being depressed was a recipe for disaster. However in that you find what it is that you need and although you know the relationship is only a port in the storm it provides a rest and so it is easy to take that rest. Then the only thing you can say on the otherside is sorry. Sorry for being so sweet and thoughtful and affectionate. Sorry for thinking about you, sorry for being selfish and proving to myself that I am not a monster. Sorry for taking you in and providing you shelter and then violating that trust. Sorry for being so kind and sweet that you had no choice but to fall for me. Sorry for being myself. However it is what it is. Sorry.

    What I feel like where I am at right now in my life is that point in the Matrix where they broke through the machines and went above the clouds for that brief moment of beauty and now they are on the downward arc. That is where I am. I've taken a reprieve and now I am going back into the thick of it all. And yes it still feels easier to emotionally walk away, but I am a non-custodial parent. I know how it is, but I can't say that I've done a stellar job since I've had them this summer, although we've done some really great stuff this summer, Islamically my Deen is on the ropes and I've let Deen slide and just hold on to what I have of Deen and the cultivation of their Deen has been seriously lacking. Goodness all of the crap that I am going to have to throw out when I finally say ENOUGH with the Dunya. For now though I am just holding on to my little piece of rope.

    The question that everyone asks is "Is getting back together what you WANT to do?" and that is a great question, highly logical and very essential to the core of the reconcilliation process. "Are you doing it for the kids" and the all essential question "is it Me you want or do you just want your kids". Just be honest and don't lie to me. So I suppose that the purpose of this post is to work that out. Where am I. Emotionally I don't want to be with anyone, because that is the safest place. I'm not fearless with my heart. However I will have to become so in ANY relationship that I decide to go through with. I'm not all in, there is no throwing discretion to the wind and going for it. Each move is calculated. She was asked by a good friend where do you see yourself in ten years and she had two images. One with all of our kids and family around completely restored and the other with all of the material things she ever wanted and she chose family. I see myself doing 30 years in the military, starting over financially from scratch, Treasuring each moment that I can get with my children and learning to do with my life the things that I've always wanted to do, or wondering what thing am I going to do to trigger the chain of events that will land me back in this situation.

    Yes it will be lovely to think that it can all be fixed, but I say again that would take Balls of Steel on both sides. I'm sure she will wonder if I am ever going to bring some sister home and be like I'm out when she's 65 years old so I suppose the feeling is mutual. Kind of like we want peace so we make sure we are fully armed equally. That is where I feel we are, and who wants to live like that? So there has to be something greater than me to aspire to. The ideal of family has to be higher than the ideal of myself, because if that was the case I would just have to be honest with her and be like you know I can do bad ALL by myself. What is on the table my kids. If she were to give me my kids and call it good, honestly I think I would just go for my kids and make time for myself whenever I could steal it, but I would have to get it together. That's the safest option for further trauma to my heart. It is the safest, but is it the right option. Going on I believe that I will only be a better person. More tolerant, more forgiving, more patient and definitely braver. However it would definitely be the last time. Kids will grow, that is what they do. They will be fine, they know I love them and their mother. So I take a deep breath hold on to the rope and go on.

    Sunday, June 21, 2009

    Fuck!!!

    Is the only thing you can say when you've made a complete mess of things. It's not an excuse, it is not a reason it is just a reality. I had said earlier that sin is pain entering the world and our Sunnah if followed to a T would eliminate world suffering. That is so true.

    I didn't and the quagmire that is my life has sucked in yet another soul into this morass of what has become my life. Sulking is also another problem. Taking on the attitude that nothing really matters helps you emotionally for the time being. It is easy to say that you don't care, that nothing really matters and for a while it works, but ultimately it is a lie. It is a lie that works for a while because the truth of the matter is that you become a one-way black whole. The kindness and tenderness that others shower on you just gets sucked into this void that you have become and you give nothing or very little back. It's an infantile state.

    Therefore the only reality is that no matter your greatest opposition, no matter how great of a person you are, you are going to hurt people. That is the reality. People being hurt that are just innocent bystanders. So this is where I am and that is all that I can say. Sorry doesn't really sum it up.

    There's a lot of stuff I leave off my blog now. Partially not to infer actions by others and thus backbite by calling them out. Which leaves only my actions or behaviours that I exhibit in response to actions by others. So my postings have all been tempered and short in coming. My occasional anecdote is just a little to shallow to warrant sitting down at the computer and rapping out a little text over a quasi-interesting observation.

    Friday, June 19, 2009

    Divorce is a process

    It starts with Pain and then it expands. The ability to forgive is the key, however when your heart is ripped out it makes it very difficult. My wife wants to get back together, but my heart is dead. So in getting back together for the good of the family there lies within me a two part process. One mending my heart and learning to feel again and two reaching deep down and forgiving each and everything that hurt. Doing this all without an iota of trust.

    Building the trust is the first step, a slow methodical process that takes time and there is no way around it. I told her yesterday that building trust is kind of like an infant’s reality. An infant gets separation anxiety if the mother leaves. His feeling of abandonment builds and overflows until she comes back, and there is a constant need for touch and closeness. When trust is broken this is the reality. Basically unless you are in the same room as me there is a great possibility that you are lying to my face. I have more reason to trust Charles Manson than you. So in the steps of rebuilding trust there is a very great need to remain in constant contact, just like a baby. The process is the same and any mother worth her weight should know what it takes. There is sacrifice, commitment and dedication that is necessary to mend the relationship.

    This is the crossroads that Sakinah and I are at. To go forward I have to dig in find the resolve to forgive radically, she has to do the same, put myself out there and trust again, and on top of that acting like I can actually love again. I would have to kick-out my roommate and then expect her to leave her house to join me. Leaving behind many perks for the nothing that I have.

    Now the case is with divorce is that it is a very simple process. Do Nothing. The thing about doing nothing is that you can claim that you did your best and make yourself believe it. You can call up and say you want to get back together and make it work every other day and do nothing to follow it up. Then Viola a level of ambivalence sets in and when you are presented with the papers you just sign them and roll on about your merry way telling everyone that you did tons of stuff to make it work but your partner wasn’t willing. Shazaam you are a loving passionate person who really didn’t do anything wrong and were completely victimized. Poor Baby.

    No reconciliation takes work and getting your hands dirty and risking it all. Who really wants to do that when apparently it is much easier and a whole lot less painful to get involved in a rewarding relationship with someone whom you don’t really love that provides you with the needs that you felt you were missing in your marriage. It doesn’t matter if they are married or not. In a relationship or not it is just emotional greed taken advantage of in a emotional drought. Sometimes the relationships are mutual, but both blood sucking. It takes true courage to go back into a war-torn relationship with someone who knows your weaknesses and knows how to hurt you completely. That takes true fearlessness. The results of success are far-reaching and a failure would be complete disaster of the person for a few years at least.

    This is the place that I find myself. It is usually during this time that either the sheep or the wolf in sheep’s clothing enters stage left. A critical stage of reconciliation where it would be easiest to jump ship and run off into the sunset with someone with no flaws or mishaps in your heart. Someone that you can accept openly because you need to to heal your own heart and also because you need to be told that you still know how to love. The Rebound truly has it hard, because ultimately they are completely expendable.

    So I have to kick out my roommate so that is where I am. Which for my Deen would be good because I have to put somethings in order in my Deen and being alone even if she decides in the 11th hour to pull out. I can use being alone again. It will give me time to focus and get back to basics in my Deen. Ramadan is coming up too so all the better. After this move the trust card shifts to her deck for her move. Any violation no matter how small jeopardizes the whole process and she’s screwed it up before, so we will see. I will tell her (my roommate) today.

    Wednesday, June 17, 2009

    If I were a girl

    In any talk of polygamy the subject always comes up from the woman’s side what if the tables where turned. Well then I have thought about it over the last two years and here is what I have come up with.

    1. I could define who I am and take time for myself.
    2. I could refuse to on stupid shopping trips saying yes honey you look great. That would be the other guys job.
    3. I would be the sex demon, super daddy husband and the other guy could be the waiting in the waiting room buying stupid crap, HGTV watching, chick flick going, gala going husband. Give me sex and kids and call it good. I’ll be the family vacation, homeschooling, playing in dirt with worms husband and not have to deal with all that other BS.
    4. I would have every other day off to do whatever I wanted to.
    5. I could do what I want with my kids without all of those anal rules.
    6. I’d only have to deal with PMS half the time.
    7. I could always send her home to her other man and keep my kids with me.
    8. I could go to school with minimal interruptions.
    9. I’d only get nagged half the time.
    10. I’d quit my job and take up golfing or some other excuse for a hobby.
    11. I’d go on vacation.
    12. I wouldn’t argue, I’d just send her to one of her other husbands.
    13. I’d live life stress free.
    14. I don’t know how sex would be, but at this point I have 6 kids I’m good.

    That’s about all I can think of right now. I’m sure there is some more, but either I don’t really care right now, not much is important to me anymore. Especially a relationship.

    So we were supposed to wrap things up on the 12th, but she had us reschedule. I didn’t have a problem. So it is rescheduled on the anniversary of my going to jail over this BS. She says she wants to get back together but, I can’t really see it. Past a couple of teary-eyed meetings any real effort is transparent to me. As I am sure it may have been likewise for her as well. As for myself I have reached a point of indifference. Indifference at get back together, indifference at going on with anyone else, indifference about life or major aspects of my Deen, which for me is a problem. Nothing else is though. I made a pitiful attempt at personal ads, and truly it was pathetic.

    So now she says that she wants to make it work. After all of the BS and now my heart is dead. I love her but I don’t really feel like loving or being “in love” with anyone. Including myself. So that would be the starting point. The whole thing would be for the kids. Whatever that means. I don’t feel like being in a relationship. There was a cursory one, but I ended it, because it was simply unfair. Unfair for me to take things I needed, knowing that whatever I gave would never be permanent nor ever have a chance of being so.

    Then it is always asked well what do you want? I’d like the fantasy that I was living when I was married, but short of that I would just really like to have my kids. So I am yet again at a point where I can let it all go or find the reserve somewhere deep inside of me to go on. I would have to manufacture a nonexistent desire to be in a relationship all for the greater good. Hmm.

    I fear how long will it last. Many of my views have changed. That whole promise that people give that they would never do X or Y is BULL people will do whatever they are most comfortable with regardless of the nonsense they promise you. If you push them far enough you can bet that whatever fears you had that is probably the very bull shit they will be doing. The question I have to make to myself is am I prepared to live with this bullshit for the rest of my life.

    About polygamy now? I don’t care. Now I know that people are much more tolerant of polygamy than they think. What they aren’t tolerant of are social norms, but people in general are surprisingly very comfortable with polygamy as long as they get what they need from the relationship and there isn’t all of that bullshit ass lying that goes with the territory. Whatever as far as I am concerned people don’t have problems with polygamy, they have problems with communication, needs, validation, social stigmas, insecurity and broken promises, polygamy though is a no brainer. Why do I say this? Women constantly complain about polygamy and then leave their husbands only to get involved in a polygamous situation. What is the frigging logic of that? So whatever! I’m done. Now I am just looking for something that I love to do, pays the bills and doesn’t break the rules of Allah. If I found that would be in heaven for the rest of my days. Married or NOT.

    Reclaiming My Blog

    It is time that my blog went back to whence it came. A therapy solution and an outlet to let me vent and work through my problems. I had problems before but now this has started to get ridiculous. My life has taken a downturn spiritually and I have found that just like overeating sins have a way of replicating themselves in you until they become habitualized. I think and hope that I have reached the absolute bottom of my spiritual downward spiral. There are things that are just a reality when it comes to me and my weaknesses. Everything comes to a fork in the road when you are being tested and the more you know the more obvious the test. Then it just boils down to are you or are you not Muslim enough to deal with it. You have the power to make the correct decision, you are thinking it through but once you have faith it really comes down to this “Am I going to willfully disobey Allah?” When you have reached a point of knowledge there is no I didn’t know or I was weak at the time or yada yada yada. All of that BS is out of the window it is either I am or I am not going to break the rules.

    If you choose to break the rules then it becomes a daily debate on how long are you going to let this nonsense go on? There is no peace because you are constantly telling yourself that you got to stop or I don’t really care anymore about anything. You wish you could quit. I have gotten to that point. I don’t want to commit suicide because that would be breaking the rules, but you want to quit, not necessarily die or anything but just exit stage left or take a time out for a while, maybe a nice coma or something just to get a break. Then of course you realize that is not an option and you have to deal with the anger of not being able to quit when you really want to.

    Every Muslim has that point where they won’t go. If they are still holding on to the Rope they will always turn around and come back. I will never let the rope go. Never I don’t care if I become a cracked out derelict on the streets I will never give up my Salaat. Never in life. Not giving up the Rope means you will always get up after a spiritual fall, dust yourself off make Tauba and keep going. That is where I am, dusting myself off. Which causes me to revisit a rather passionate comment by Kafira. I know this is probably some BS that she doesn’t want to hear but I will say it anyway.

    When the Muslim falls off the wagon they begin to do things that they shouldn’t do. They have full knowledge of this, but their faith is in the toilet so they are out there doing stuff. Hurting, in pain, and lost they reach out for support and often and not they are poor unsuspecting souls that are just bottles in the storm just like they are. The Muslim however (or any hurting person) may be down there in the muck of life just like anyone else, but that isn’t who they are nor is it where they want to be. They believe themselves to be something better and so when they reach spiritual enlightenment or they just get up and dust themselves off those relationships that lead them away from their final destination are shed. That often times includes many ill-thought-out romantic relationships. Even ones where everyone knows that the relationship is only a lull in the storm at that intersect it is needed and despite all intentions of genuine goodness and mutual kindness when they end someone gets hurt.

    Sin I have learned through my reflections is how Pain enters the world. Without Sin people could live and die in peace. The world could evolve into a great and beautiful place, but the essence of sin or the fruit of sin is pain. Pain that evolves and spreads like a cancer the destroys every aspect of human existence. Pain then becomes the rule and not the exception and thus begins a constant struggle to get rid of it. The world becomes filled with artificial cures to rid or mask the Sin (i.e. pain) from chemical to emotional dependencies, gross denial, apathy or redirection. Life is then thrown into turmoil and all avenues no matter how promising are dead ends. Until one reaches a full understanding of the problem and is committed to treat the illness and proceeds to wholeheartedly remove the Pain.

    Life goes on and that is the inevitability, and it will continue on that way until death. Life in essence is the practice of continuing to remove Sin from it. For that is the test of this existence. The practice of eradicating it in all of its forms. Then setting a standard of what a healthy life is and what it should be and passing that on to the next generation.

    Tuesday, June 02, 2009

    Losing my blog

    My blog appears to be dying a natural death. I figure no matter what happens between Sakinah and I there is a breadth of information that I am just not going to share. I am sad because I miss my blog. A lot of it too is that I have been very busy. Sadness is gone and a lot of other things are gone. Efforts of getting remarried have been shelved due to lack of interest on my part. They've emailed me but I haven't kept up the communications. I'm tired of relationships and so I am just floating on. She wants to get back and I entertain it, however the bridge has been engulfed by the river and other than the kids what is there really?

    All that I can say is communication or rather the lack thereof is the cause of the demise in most relationships. People who aren't assertive about their feelings take this "they should know" stance at a lot of things and that only causes heartache. If you have a certain feeling about something let it be known. We do that now, but there is no feeling behind it. Then again I could be just smoking crack or her world is one that I am sad to say I just don't understand. Which is sad after so many years of marriage. The dynamics of reconciliation are littered with apathy on both sides. Once the reality of the break has set in you just look at things with different eyes. Everybody's flaws are out there and you no longer shield them because you love them from your own critique.

    I am not here to talk about my marriage though, but here to talk about my blog. I am sad to see it neglected and left un-updated. That could possibly be for a number of reasons. My schedule is number one. Two is because I am in a spiritual limbo and don't really feel that I can represent the Deen or myself for that matter. So I have a number of unsaid actions that I would rather leave unsaid. So that contributes to the silence as well. I suppose it will go on this way until something breaks and my Deen returns to me, hopefully intact. Well we will see how I do.

    Sunday, May 03, 2009

    I love being a Dad

    Weekends often fly by in a whirlwind and they go just the way I like it. Fast and Furious. I think the kids like it that way too. So a typical weekend with Dad is a little like this.

    Friday the pickup:

    After Jumah I go and pick up the kids, that is if I can make Jumah. I didn’t make it this week. The drama at work was thick, I accidentally spent $18K more than we were allowed so needless to say that I spent that day working that nonsense out. So I missed it. I came home changed chatted with my roommate and ran off to pick up the clan.

    Picked them up at her house. She doesn’t want to really get divorced so we got all cuddly and took a nap together. She has all of the paperwork and I had the lawyer write them up to her specifications, but now all that has changed and she says it is going to take her a month at least to work it all out. I find it rather sad looking at the whole situation from my vantage point. So anyway we work out the details of the swap tomorrow and then I am off and running. We do our weekly ritual of going to Costco for Pizza and smoothies. So that worked.

    Later on we get to the house eat. Niama is passed out so I lay her down and there she sleeps until morning. Mina and Ibrahim are amped so they go into the bath and then get dressed for bed. They go down to sleep and ah yes I was invited somewhere to shoot pictures, but I fell asleep with the kids so I kind of blew that. I woke up around 4am and chatted with my roommate a bit ate some dinner and then went to Fajr. We pray at 6 and I can’t wait until it goes to 545 so that I can pray before I go to work.

    So Saturday morning I get up and make oatmeal and my wife is supposed to come by and pick the kids up because she is doing this special time with the kids thing today, but she doesn’t come. I had plans to go to Family Fest at the Adriane Arscht Center so you know what, I went and the kids had a ball. She was supposed to come and pick the girls up from there but as it goes you get distracted, can’t say that I am not guilty of that. However at the center we had a ball. When we got there we did painting.

    DSC_6395  Mina coloring her shorts.

    DSC_6405 Ibrahim coloring his shorts resisting the urge to eat the crayons. Which he later did.

    DSC_6391 Niama during the first go round with the paints. She later resolved at the behest of her father to refrain from making a mud puddle with the paints and just use markers. She had fun though.

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    Even Zainab got in on the fun erm can we say Woo… Hoo… She had fun though.

    Zainab then later promptly disappeared to the aerial show that was going on in the next court.

    After Ibrahim was done making a total mess with the shorts we watched an impromptu play of the 3 little pigs.

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    I was really putting the D90 through its paces and finding out what I could do. I was fighting between shutter speed and Aperature to get the girls faces to come out but it wasn’t really cooperating so I eventually put it in manual and slowed my shutter down and opened up my aperature to get their faces clearly. It worked.

    Then we all joined Zainab in the aerial show and the kids were entranced.  The show was a little mermaid theme and it was very interesting the parts we got from it.

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    Then the king got in on the act. DSC_6468

    All the guys were telling their girlfriends I can do that, but in truth he made it look easy, but just the ab work alone looked hard.

    DSC_6490 The kids sat peacefully through the whole performance.

    DSC_6504 Then the big Bow.

    DSC_6539 Now on to the hugging of dudes in incredibly hot animal costumes. I’ve done that before talk about your weight loss program.

    DSC_6544 We were going to do the acrobatics lab but the line was ridiculous so I asked Zainab to stand in line while I got them facepaintings. The people murmured something to her so she ditched the line. It was long anyway but then the little ones didn’t get to do the acrobatics, but they had a full day so yay.

    So that was the morning. Soon-to-be-ex still hadn’t shown up so I’m glad I went and got the kids to get into something. I was going to take them to the Children’s museum but she asked me to bring them to her and she would give me gas money. Cool (she lives far). So I drop off the girls for their day with Mommy and me Zainab and Ibrahim head for home. Then I take my roommate’s son and Zainab to the movies.  We saw Fast and Furious and she saw Obsessed then they wanted to go to the musical instrument store which was about to close, but it was good for dreaming. I’m not buying a drum set. No, No.

    I get back Ibrahim’s crashed and Mom asked me to go down to the Coast Guard base for fishing. So I took her and my Aunt down there. They needed me because they can’t get on without ID. So I slept in the van while they fished. They had fun, my Mom loves fishing.

    Back at home I crash the day is done it is also 2am. Ibrahim is on his own clock and is up at 7 something but I didn’t catch it because I went back to sleep after Fajr. Woke up and played with him for a bit the rest of the crew is still asleep. So what to do? Walk him so I walked him probably a mile and change to the park and he was a real trooper he didn’t whine one bit all the way there. Probably too far for an everyday walk but who knows maybe I will see. I love walking I can walk forever. So finally he gets to the park and he’s off.

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    What’s the best thing to do? Relax on the swings.

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    Yep have someone else push you why don’t you. So he played and played and played. He’s got a good arm too.

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    Cute isn’t he?

     

     

     

    Check out that Arm.

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    DSC_6634  More swings and then it is off for home. He was getting tired and I wasn’t going to force him to walk back so I put him on my back and carried him all the way back home. He walked a little bit. I thought he fell asleep on my back at one point and he probably did.

    He did well so there was only one thing to do, reward him with his favorite fruit. Watermelon. Watch the Carnage.

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    Don’t interrupt a man when he’s mauwing down.

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    That watermelon had no chance. Then it was off to bath because if you hadn’t figured it out by now it was desperately needed and some warm oatmeal and now a nap. He is sleeping now. She is on her way here with the girls so I think we will go to the beach later and if so I will update this post. But so far a great weekend. Love it. Sweet. I wanted to take them to see Madame Butterfly but the tickets were too expensive and she didn’t bring the girls back in time so we improvise, overcome and adapt to the situation. The beach will be in about an hour and I think that will go down. She just did their hair so she might get pissed, but hey. Nothing stands in the way of fun. What is for dinner I have no clue. We will work it out.

    Ok so lets see what this livewriter thing can do.

    Wow the live writer thing worked. That is really great so we actually made it to the beach. We didn’t stay long but it was very enjoyable. I put my old D40 through its paces. Now I will steal this moment to talk about some photography for a moment. First of all a SLR/ DSLR camera is head and shoulders over a point and shoot. The flexibility it gives you is the key to getting good shots. So let’s look at some. First the pictures are cute to say the least.

    The sun was setting by the time we got there. So we only had about 30 minutes or so to have fun. I didn’t get in the water, but I still had fun.

    So we start out with Zainab taking pictures. Here I am driving. DSC_2663

    Now the D40 is a great camera however with any piece of equipment you need to know how to use it. Settings are everything.

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    When my daughter saw this she immediately thought of the AT&T Cingular ad.

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    When I grabbed the camera from Zainab her settings were off and of course I like taking pictures without flash so unless I have a 1:4 lens they are going to come out blurry. So starts the compensation and over compensation.

    DSC_2677 When I started at the flash it was cranked all the way up so I get the wash-outs so I turned it down.

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    Now once we got out on the beach we were in the shade of the buildings so it was artificially dark which now becomes a low light setting and in a low light setting you need a lens with a very large aperature and if you don’t have one you have to over compensate and so how I did this was to crank up the exposure and crank up the flash. We did get some good shots in though.

     

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    DSC_2703 Cranking it up though sometimes has its casualties.

    DSC_2706 So there are the two extremes too light and too dark. So it is a delicate balance between the two to get the best shots.

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    DSC_2736 Love life. Love fatherhood.

    DSC_2741 Awesome pic.

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    Sometimes you spend all day for that one shot. With photography sometimes that is just the way that it is. So the weekend went well and the turnover comes Monday morning. Such is a weekend with Daddy. Each one is precious and full of love.