Friday, June 19, 2009

Divorce is a process

It starts with Pain and then it expands. The ability to forgive is the key, however when your heart is ripped out it makes it very difficult. My wife wants to get back together, but my heart is dead. So in getting back together for the good of the family there lies within me a two part process. One mending my heart and learning to feel again and two reaching deep down and forgiving each and everything that hurt. Doing this all without an iota of trust.

Building the trust is the first step, a slow methodical process that takes time and there is no way around it. I told her yesterday that building trust is kind of like an infant’s reality. An infant gets separation anxiety if the mother leaves. His feeling of abandonment builds and overflows until she comes back, and there is a constant need for touch and closeness. When trust is broken this is the reality. Basically unless you are in the same room as me there is a great possibility that you are lying to my face. I have more reason to trust Charles Manson than you. So in the steps of rebuilding trust there is a very great need to remain in constant contact, just like a baby. The process is the same and any mother worth her weight should know what it takes. There is sacrifice, commitment and dedication that is necessary to mend the relationship.

This is the crossroads that Sakinah and I are at. To go forward I have to dig in find the resolve to forgive radically, she has to do the same, put myself out there and trust again, and on top of that acting like I can actually love again. I would have to kick-out my roommate and then expect her to leave her house to join me. Leaving behind many perks for the nothing that I have.

Now the case is with divorce is that it is a very simple process. Do Nothing. The thing about doing nothing is that you can claim that you did your best and make yourself believe it. You can call up and say you want to get back together and make it work every other day and do nothing to follow it up. Then Viola a level of ambivalence sets in and when you are presented with the papers you just sign them and roll on about your merry way telling everyone that you did tons of stuff to make it work but your partner wasn’t willing. Shazaam you are a loving passionate person who really didn’t do anything wrong and were completely victimized. Poor Baby.

No reconciliation takes work and getting your hands dirty and risking it all. Who really wants to do that when apparently it is much easier and a whole lot less painful to get involved in a rewarding relationship with someone whom you don’t really love that provides you with the needs that you felt you were missing in your marriage. It doesn’t matter if they are married or not. In a relationship or not it is just emotional greed taken advantage of in a emotional drought. Sometimes the relationships are mutual, but both blood sucking. It takes true courage to go back into a war-torn relationship with someone who knows your weaknesses and knows how to hurt you completely. That takes true fearlessness. The results of success are far-reaching and a failure would be complete disaster of the person for a few years at least.

This is the place that I find myself. It is usually during this time that either the sheep or the wolf in sheep’s clothing enters stage left. A critical stage of reconciliation where it would be easiest to jump ship and run off into the sunset with someone with no flaws or mishaps in your heart. Someone that you can accept openly because you need to to heal your own heart and also because you need to be told that you still know how to love. The Rebound truly has it hard, because ultimately they are completely expendable.

So I have to kick out my roommate so that is where I am. Which for my Deen would be good because I have to put somethings in order in my Deen and being alone even if she decides in the 11th hour to pull out. I can use being alone again. It will give me time to focus and get back to basics in my Deen. Ramadan is coming up too so all the better. After this move the trust card shifts to her deck for her move. Any violation no matter how small jeopardizes the whole process and she’s screwed it up before, so we will see. I will tell her (my roommate) today.

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