Reclaiming My Blog

It is time that my blog went back to whence it came. A therapy solution and an outlet to let me vent and work through my problems. I had problems before but now this has started to get ridiculous. My life has taken a downturn spiritually and I have found that just like overeating sins have a way of replicating themselves in you until they become habitualized. I think and hope that I have reached the absolute bottom of my spiritual downward spiral. There are things that are just a reality when it comes to me and my weaknesses. Everything comes to a fork in the road when you are being tested and the more you know the more obvious the test. Then it just boils down to are you or are you not Muslim enough to deal with it. You have the power to make the correct decision, you are thinking it through but once you have faith it really comes down to this “Am I going to willfully disobey Allah?” When you have reached a point of knowledge there is no I didn’t know or I was weak at the time or yada yada yada. All of that BS is out of the window it is either I am or I am not going to break the rules.

If you choose to break the rules then it becomes a daily debate on how long are you going to let this nonsense go on? There is no peace because you are constantly telling yourself that you got to stop or I don’t really care anymore about anything. You wish you could quit. I have gotten to that point. I don’t want to commit suicide because that would be breaking the rules, but you want to quit, not necessarily die or anything but just exit stage left or take a time out for a while, maybe a nice coma or something just to get a break. Then of course you realize that is not an option and you have to deal with the anger of not being able to quit when you really want to.

Every Muslim has that point where they won’t go. If they are still holding on to the Rope they will always turn around and come back. I will never let the rope go. Never I don’t care if I become a cracked out derelict on the streets I will never give up my Salaat. Never in life. Not giving up the Rope means you will always get up after a spiritual fall, dust yourself off make Tauba and keep going. That is where I am, dusting myself off. Which causes me to revisit a rather passionate comment by Kafira. I know this is probably some BS that she doesn’t want to hear but I will say it anyway.

When the Muslim falls off the wagon they begin to do things that they shouldn’t do. They have full knowledge of this, but their faith is in the toilet so they are out there doing stuff. Hurting, in pain, and lost they reach out for support and often and not they are poor unsuspecting souls that are just bottles in the storm just like they are. The Muslim however (or any hurting person) may be down there in the muck of life just like anyone else, but that isn’t who they are nor is it where they want to be. They believe themselves to be something better and so when they reach spiritual enlightenment or they just get up and dust themselves off those relationships that lead them away from their final destination are shed. That often times includes many ill-thought-out romantic relationships. Even ones where everyone knows that the relationship is only a lull in the storm at that intersect it is needed and despite all intentions of genuine goodness and mutual kindness when they end someone gets hurt.

Sin I have learned through my reflections is how Pain enters the world. Without Sin people could live and die in peace. The world could evolve into a great and beautiful place, but the essence of sin or the fruit of sin is pain. Pain that evolves and spreads like a cancer the destroys every aspect of human existence. Pain then becomes the rule and not the exception and thus begins a constant struggle to get rid of it. The world becomes filled with artificial cures to rid or mask the Sin (i.e. pain) from chemical to emotional dependencies, gross denial, apathy or redirection. Life is then thrown into turmoil and all avenues no matter how promising are dead ends. Until one reaches a full understanding of the problem and is committed to treat the illness and proceeds to wholeheartedly remove the Pain.

Life goes on and that is the inevitability, and it will continue on that way until death. Life in essence is the practice of continuing to remove Sin from it. For that is the test of this existence. The practice of eradicating it in all of its forms. Then setting a standard of what a healthy life is and what it should be and passing that on to the next generation.