Friday, May 16, 2008

Run Forest Run!!

I wouldn’t want it to be me. The Polar bear is the only animal that upon the scent of a human being will track them down to eat them. At least that is what I was told. I couldn't find out what actually happened to the photographer that was chased by the polar bear. I would love to know what happened to him, but I've scoured the web and that info is non-existent it seems. Just one slip of bad footing and that guy is lunch. You can only hope that that guy is ok because that would be pretty morbid of the photographer taking pictures of the last moments of his friends life so we can only hope that he made it unscathed.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

I was reading Quran

Surah AtTauba is always a good Surah to read when you need a reality check. Well here is mine:

9:75 Amongst them are men who made a covenant with Allah, that if He bestowed on them of His bounty, they would give (largely) in charity, and be truly amongst those who are righteous. وَمِنْهُم مَّنْ عَاهَدَ اللّهَ لَئِنْ آتَانَا مِن فَضْلِهِ لَنَصَّدَّقَنَّ وَلَنَكُونَنَّ مِنَ الصَّالِحِينَ (9:75)

9:76 But when He did bestow of His bounty, they became covetous, and turned back (from their covenant), averse (from its fulfilment).

فَلَمَّا آتَاهُم مِّن فَضْلِهِ بَخِلُواْ بِهِ وَتَوَلَّواْ وَّهُم مُّعْرِضُونَ (9:76)

9:77 So He hath put as a consequence hypocrisy into their hearts, (to last) till the Day, whereon they shall meet Him: because they broke their covenant with Allah, and because they lied (again and again).

فَأَعْقَبَهُمْ نِفَاقًا فِي قُلُوبِهِمْ إِلَى يَوْمِ يَلْقَوْنَهُ بِمَا أَخْلَفُواْ اللّهَ مَا وَعَدُوهُ وَبِمَا كَانُواْ يَكْذِبُونَ (9:77)

9:78 Know they not that Allah doth know their secret (thoughts) and their secret counsels, and that Allah knoweth well all things unseen?

أَلَمْ يَعْلَمُواْ أَنَّ اللّهَ يَعْلَمُ سِرَّهُمْ وَنَجْوَاهُمْ وَأَنَّ اللّهَ عَلاَّمُ الْغُيُوبِ (9:78)

So those verses stuck out to me. How many times have I promised Oh Allah if you will give me such and such then I will do such and such, but when He gives it then you start hemming and hawing. Well again I have a debt that I must pay to Allah Subhannahu Wa T'ala. He kept his end of the bargain now I must keep mine. Regardless of how afraid I am. Insha Allah He will give me the strength to do so, the integrity to keep my promise to him. Subhanna Allah when you come down to it all the fingers point back at you and your relationship and promises to Allah.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Why do you say the things you do?

Why do you say the things you do when you are angry? Why do you make the choices you make. I waver back and forth on the subject of polygamy. Actually I don't, but I choose not to do it. How do you stop it though once the ball is rolling. You don't want to be rude, but I suppose sometimes you have to be otherwise you could wind up in jail or dead. You know what is best for you but sometimes you just go with the flow. Then you find yourself divorced, dead, shot, ridiculed or otherwise unscrupulously embarrassed.

You put yourself in a situation out of anger and then you can't explain yourself out of it. You can't escape the reality of the words you spoke. So then you have to live with those words forever and ever.

AsSufi Ibnuhu Waqtihi

The Sufi is the Son of his Moment.

Dreaming inevitably is the irresponsible putting off of what can be done immediately. So often it is heard when I, If I, When finally I, and all of such statements are the avoidance of the now. Now is the only thing that is owned by the Human being. Worrying about tomorrow or fretting over the past are all futilities in the essence of reality. What is real is what is happening with this breath. How you use this breath determines your destiny, for this breath is all that you have. All that you own. This smile, this morsel, this time, this moment spent with someone you love is all that will ever matter forever and ever. This prayer is the last prayer you will ever pray, not the next one for it is not afforded to you and not the last one for it may have not been perfect. Lose not hope and strive on for the race is not yet won or lost for one knows not what is around the bend, over the hill.

There is nothing wrong with planning or dreaming, but when plans or dreams take place of action and deeds then you have failed in faith at the most essential level. The result only leads to distress and despair and feelings of failure again and again. Think what can I resonably get done today and whatever that is make sure Allah is proud when you are finished, for all you have is this moment.

When you love, love completely and leave no left-overs. Do not hold back your love, give all of it and all of it will be returned to you. Forget what happened yesterday and do not look forward of what tomorrow holds because all that truly matters is now. If now is full of pain then that is a decision that you have to make. Patience isn't time healing the wounds patience is dealing with the pain of now. After now has passed then the only thing is a memory, if you return to it, it will still hurt. No matter how many times you come back to it, it will always be as vivid as before. Leave it and move forward and do not let your past destroy you. You will lose your faith because of the past and you will miss what is real in hopes for the future. Deal with the now and embrace it entirely then you will learn and your life will be full. Fill each day with beauty and you will be fulfilled.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Oh yes I almost forgot...

Well I almost forgot the rest of you. I woke my wife this morning to these words. Happy Mother's day. For all of you who put up with me and read my blog. I hope you have a beautiful day. Even if you aren't from America. Do something special for yourselves and you can know that you are truly appreciated.

Friday, May 09, 2008

Life interrupted

I have been meaning to post for days, but life has been a whirlwind it seems. This weekend I just vegged and watched movies all weekend long. I bowled with some guys from work. I bowled a 124 lost that game by 1 pin. Then I bowled a 159. Not championship material by any means but not that bad for not having bowled in ages and even then not seriously. I guess for an occasional bowler that isn't bad. I broke a 100 both times so that is good.

Things are slowing down now, becoming more surreal. Looking at the things that matter in life and everything that is worth it. Sakinah and I are working things out. We talk everyday, but there is a hang of silence. Can we go on with my obsession of P lingering in the background or should I just let her be free of the possibility and let her find her own happiness? I don't know the answer to such a question. All I know is that I love her very much she is the most beautiful woman that I have every met. She shines wherever she goes. People think she's sexy regardless what she wears even in full niqaab she commands attention. I will miss her embrace if we do not make it. Holding her softly and looking into her eyes. She is my queen and I allowed my nafs to ruin a beautiful thing.

She is always asking me to be honest, and my mother has cursed me so. She asks questions that she shouldn't know the answer to. I made promises and oaths to Allah that I had broken concerning Polygamy and for that I am ashamed, but I still see it, just as clear as morning. It yearns inside of me, sometimes. Maybe it is just a testament of my selfishness. A desire to make my hedonistic tendencies halaal which is impossible. Sex is awesome, but halaal sex is stupendously magnificent. I never want to have sex where I can't say Bismillah before starting. Screw that noise. I've been there and had both and trust me the Bismillah in the beginning is so much more fulfilling. Sex however is no basis for a relationship at all. I have never placed any trust in any relationship based strictly on desire. All of my relationships that have started like this have failed. So I do not trust them at all. Life is much more intricate and fulfilling than sex alone could ever be. Although I am a sensual person and I talk about sex entirely too much on my blog, I am not deluded by it, or at least I try not to be.

Looking at life without Sakinah is a scary thought. A terrifying proposition, but one that I must look at. She may not want to continue our marriage for fear that one day some woman somewhere will knock me over the head and drag me off to the masjid for a rush marriage job. The thought of that may be too much to bear. The other shoe falling, the one next drop of water into the bucket, the last footstep before imminent doom. It truly is a psychological nightmare. A waiting game. The suspense will drive one to insanity. How can anyone endure such mental stress. So she may very well leave me altogether. She asked me to be honest and honestly I would like to try my hand at polygamy. I would. I think I can do it right. I think there will be struggles and hard times, misunderstanding and a growing period but all and all I think I can make 2 sisters very happy. I think I can, and I think it will always be with me.

If she leaves me I will try to convince myself that I shouldn't get married again. I will never love someone so deeply as I love Sakinah. There will be love, but none like this. So forgiving, so patient so totally in love, but I would try. You would be surprised at what the heart can do. I don't know what the future holds. If I get married again I may make an agreement that she can comeback anytime she wants to. I don't know how that would work out, but I would choose her over all of the women in the world. The sad thing is my actions as of late have proven otherwise.

All of the threats and pleas of appease and levity fell on deaf ears. Pain will make you do and say strange things. All you want is for the pain to stop so you will do anything. Fear is not from Allah. It is from the Shaytan, but Shaytan knows how to manipulate either balance. If you fear anything in this worldly life, you will be afraid of everything. If you fear only Allah then you fear nothing and risk becoming arrogant. Both states are hated by Allah and in this Shaytan succeeds time and again.

Today I feel I can suppress my urge for polygamy to appease Sakinah, but what about tomorrow? Next week? A year from now? When we are senior citizens? I don't know. resisting it will be a challenge. She is the last woman I will resist it for however I will not resist it in any future relationships and I know that isn't fair, but it is what I am going to do.

I can't look forward for tomorrow for all I have are these moments before me. All I have is my prayer and my sincerity to Allah and with that I must press on. One day, one hour, one minute at a time and soon Allah will show me His plan. Insha Allah. I love Sakinah I do, and looking back I should have never come out here, but everything happens for a reason, and what that is I do not know. All I hope is that after everything that has happened this year I can come home and put Sakinah in my arms and put one foot in front of the other and walk hand in hand into the future together. Happily married until life is no more.

Have I said all that I can say? About how much I love my wife. I just got off the phone with her and I realized that I may have a serious problem. Maybe I am not happy in my life, maybe it is not fulfilling for me. What things make me happy? People who are not happy deep inside always try to fill that void with stuff and things and people constantly searching for fulfillment and never finding it. I have been happy over here. I have been fulfilled. Well these last couple of months have been hell absolute hell but all and all I can be happy. I think, but I suppose the harder you think about the tough questions in life the more questions arise. Am I a life saboteur? Do I try to make my life seem horrible to get the pity game going? Oh poor Muhammad? What is that all about and why would I do that? Good grief!

We spend hours on the phone her and I and I can't help but to think that we will be irresistible to each other when we see each other. I can't withhold my lips from kissing her. I can't refrain from her embrace. I can't wait to caress her and look upon her lovely face. Her shapeliness, to be entranced in her décolletage, her scent and the exquisite of her femininity of all that is her. Her wavering between a sultry voice and a sweet yell in the midst of commanding the craziness of our lives. I miss the way she calls my name every five minutes just to hear me answer her. She is perfect to me and completely flawless. I deign to not find fault nor do I wish to seek them out. I know them well, but I am numb to their call. I miss my wife so very much, and I can't help but to think that all of my wanton unfocused desires and the noise therefrom will come to a crashing halt when she smiles at me. For then I will want nothing else in this world except that smile. I love her now and forever. I have never in my life felt this way about anyone I have ever given my heart to.

I love you Sakinah, please forgive me my faults.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Oh Allah!!

Give us strength in this time of pain. Allow us to see clearly things the way they are and give us the strength and fortitude to provide for our families and stand up for all that is right. Oh Allah help us with all that you have, grant us patience and wisdom beyond our years and save us from the snares of the Shaytan. Ya Allah make this smooth and let us stand firm and help us against the disbelieving people. La illaha illallahu.

Monday, May 05, 2008

Pain upon Pain

It is just not going to stop. I had let go and was walking towards peace when I was suddenly duped and bombarded with an avalanche of pain. Where did this all come from and where is it all going.

8:53 "Because Allah will never change the grace which He hath bestowed on a people until they change what is in their (own) souls: and verily Allah is He Who heareth and knoweth (all things)."
Those words are so true. When we first got married I thanked Allah every single day for Sakinah and she did the same. We would pray Tahajjud in the night we went to all of the Islamic functions, we did charity, we fasted together. We were madly in love. Somehow that stopped I don't know if it was the stress of bills or of life but it stopped. Now we have been reduced to taking turns at swinging an ax into each others chest. Subhannallah.

I walk this path alone. I have given up the game. I can only take what she dumps on me out of her pain no doubt to get her point across. Now I am looking at being a single father of 6. Challenging I know. At least I won't have time to get depressed, Insha Allah. I hope my Mom can help me raise them and keep them involved in positive things. When life has you down like this you have to make a conscious decision not to get depressed otherwise all is lost. You have to keep your mind on the future. You have to make plans that are bright. You have to keep smiling, and keep your attitude light. You have to land on your feet and be ready to fight and allow your heart to forgive with the last of your might.

I have no tears today for those ducts have run dry, I have no more energy to sit mourn and cry. I have to keep focussed for the sake of my kids. I have to do it, I must. I am blessed and I am not alone I have not a bad duty station at least I am home. I reflect on pursuit of happyness and the sacrifices that he made. Insha Allah I can do the same, Allahu Alim. Life will go on. It always does whether you want it to or not. You can't get off the train.

Well peeps keep your head up, because surely someone has it worse off than you. I haven't been through half of what some of you have. I remember my whole marriage as being beautiful with only a few rough spots, these last 4 months being the worst. My wife sees it as these last 3 years so I guess there is a perspective to everything. Oh well such is life.

Sunday, May 04, 2008

I'm going to counseling

To be real people I have no idea what I am going to talk about. Our issues, my insecurities, polygamy, other things, pain, hurt anger retribution, divorce, getting back together. What. I am so confused. I do know this though These verses are definitely true:

25:43 Seest thou such a one as taketh for his god his own passion (or impulse)? Couldst thou be a disposer of affairs for him?

25:44 Or thinkest thou that most of them listen or understand? They are only like cattle;- nay, they are worse astray in Path.

On the way to recovering my marriage my father told me Son your emotions will always give you the wrong answer every time and cause you to make decisions that you will later regret, probably for the rest of your life. I think what he failed to emphasize is even in times of great pain just stand fast and see what the outcome will be. No one however wishes to be made a fool of. If you are hurting with great pain the only thing you really want is for it to stop. So I divorced Sakinah once. It was hard to do but I had to do it. I don't even know if it counted. I don't know if I was angry at the time I do know that I was hurting though. So I can't say that it was out of anger cause I am not one of those people that rant and rave, but I was deeply troubled when I did it. Anyway we are back together, but I may possibly be down one Talaq. Allahu Alim.

I will never divulge any of Sakinah's faults here. I will divulge mine because I don't bend my neck to the WNN. I hear about it sometimes but nothing in detail. I have thought of going in drag if I ever got divorced just so I could keep current with the events. LOL. Whatever. So in the midst of this intense pain that I was feeling and divorcing Sakinah I was approached yet again. This time not as strong, but it was more than enough and I succumbed to escape the pain that I was feeling. Ladies just to let you know a wounded lion will still eat you. You can sedate him and mend him, but wait until he is well before you wish to tame him. A wounded lion in pain is very unpredictable. I don't think it is the same when a woman saves a man as it is when a man saves a woman, either circumstance can end badly, but this is just for your information.

I knew I couldn't commit. I knew I could not form that deep bond with her, but I was all over it. At least I knew those things couldn't happen at this time. Then it was like autopilot. It was like I saw the burning fire but I just couldn't stop from walking into it. Clouded judgment, desire and everything. With polygamy it really boils down to the character of the Man if he is strong and can resist then he can abstain. If polygamy is not in his nature he can abstain. If he is firmly rooted and fears Allah's limits and truly knows if he can honor them he will abstain. However if none of these are the case when the words I'm Yours flows off her lips it is game over. No one has your back there are no excuses that you can really use. Well you can, but you begin to run out of them really quickly. The next thing that flows in is rationale and you come up with all kinds of scenarios that see it working. You become more positive than the greatest superhero. You can win at all costs money is no longer an option although just last month you had to work overtime just to eat.

The Quran says you can but you can never be fair, but you CAN. The Sheikh/ scholar says use caution Akhi, but of course you CAN. Your wife tells you I can't tell you no so you CAN, I may leave and take all the kids but really you CAN, CAN, CAN!!! The Muslim Ummah tells you hell yeah you CAN and you don't even have to say shit. So in reality it all boils down to what do you want to do? What do you want to risk? Now when you are in great pain and you are tired then it is very easy to say hell I want to put it all on black and roll the dice. Maybe I will keep it all, maybe I will go bust, even if your wife is yelling in your ear that all will be lost you have this strange surge of positivity saying NONSENSE!! Of course you CAN what the hell are you thinking. You will have them both and you will be rich and everyone will live happily ever after and dance around the rosemary bush on Thursdays and sip pina coladas on the veranda while the children play in the yard on Saturdays.

I was in complete despair and pain and I just wanted some shred of hope to hold onto so I grabbed this rope and begun to fly out of my pit on this kite of dreams. However the reality of my wife's love brought me down from certain death only to endure more pain. Good grief, whatever.

Well I have more to say on this post, but now I am sleepy so we will se what is going on.

Saturday, May 03, 2008

The Pendulum of Pain keeps on swinging

So I stop pushing it in her direction and all is good, but now it is swinging back in mine. Can we please stop with this game. I'm done, I quit if I just focus on Allah that will be it. I have my plans and I know what I am going to do and it will be either with or without her. I will vent my emotions here, but I will refrain from making any major decisions until I get home. Just like my parents said. Oh well I guess all is well that ends well. We will see what the deal is. I will ask when and if I finally get a call.

It doesn't get any stupider than this. I hurt you you hurt me back I hurt you you hurt me back. I disrespect you you do it back. Good grief, but no we don't want to call it quits because we love each other way too much. Maybe that is what is so fucked up about it. I am crazy head over heels in love with Sakinah and she is the same for me so I guess when we hurt each other it is always going to be like the Empire State building is falling on each other. Like superheroes battling. No we can't just throw fists we have to pick up whole factories and sling them half way around the world to peg someone in the chest with it. Mere mortals look out run for your lives. This is so stupid and childish I'm done. I will just pray and see what Allah has for me when I return home.

Love is stronger than Pride

I had died. I was in a sea of despair and confusion. I was lost. It was not my time to fight, not my time to be strong and tell her everything was alright. I was drifting deep down into the depths of hopelessness. I couldn't hear her tears or please for ease I was sinking down deeper into the abyss of hopelessness.

Allah has a way of protecting the fools, even when it is the fool who seeks his own destruction. It takes powerful love to love a lion that is trying to eat you. To tame it and be patient enough to calm it. When all one knows is pain they will kick violently to end it. Such was the case of the pendulum of pain that we were on. Her turn then my turn until all was believed lost. Insha Allah the future looks bright and now we slowly walk on. Day by day. Walking slowly into the future. We are almost out of the weeds we can see the end of the field it seems. Slowly walking forward, not looking back. It takes powerful love to do this, not for the weak or faint of heart, we will do this with hanging on to the Rope we will.

This was almost it, almost the end of the most beautiful love I have ever known. I love her with all of my heart and I always will.