Saturday, August 22, 2009

Ramadan Mubarak

AsSalaamu A'laikum everyone I am wishing you a happy Ramadan and hope that you and yours get every ounce of blessing out of it.

About me and mine well we actually decided that it is indeed over. There are things that she wants that I am not going to give and there are things that I want that she is not going to give and so we have an impasse so the responsible thing to do is call it quits. That is just what we did. I believe that is what is going on. Friday was my deadline and she asked me to compromise so I met her halfway as I saw that she compromised on some stuff and we moved it to Monday. Well today Sunday morning we decided that it just wasn't going to work. So such is life I'm child support bound which I have no qualms with.

I go to see my lawyer on Tuesday and she will let me know how we need to proceed @$95 an hour, she's worth more but I have preferred legal. Normally it is something like $2oo - $400 an hour so it is a deal, but it racks up. One of the houses is in foreclosure so I think I will let it go. That's the bad one the VA home which means when WE retire they will come after our social security checks until it is all paid back. Oh well it is not like I was going to strike it rich anyway.

We met in the blessed month of Ramadan and we are divorcing in the same month. Subhannallah.

For the record I have not loved a woman nor do I expect to ever love another woman like I loved her. I pray insha Allah that I can just remain single for the rest of my days. I have to work it into my schedule to keep on top of contact with the kids. I'll have them on weekends, but from what I knew before Life gets in the way if you let it.

I have no idea what I'm going to talk about now. Hope however has bled out.


Read the blog and don't make the mistakes I made that is why the blog is here.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Death of Hope

There has been a culprit to all of this pain and the culprit's name has been hope. Today he has been taken outback and a bullet put through his head. So much for that. we can both be commended for our bravery. We can both be commeneded for our unwavering resolve and hopefully we can both be commended for going through with our divorce in the most amicable and respecful manner.

Hope is now dead and all of those people who said "girl you are not being unreasonable at all you stand your ground" can give their pats on the back and at-a-girls all day long. I can look in the mirror and commend myself for not losing self-respect or at least any more of it and tell myself YES I held my ground and I really showed her. However at the end of it we will both be divorced and we will have traded our self-respect and pride for our family.

What did it all boil down to? She demanded 3 things that to be truly proven would have taken longer than my Friday deadline to achieve. She wasn't going to budge and neither was I. It wasn't that she wasn't willing to move in and it wasn't that I wasn't willing to do the things she asked. However you want to word it. We were unable to meet each others ultimatums in the time allotted. So now we will be getting divorced on the earliest possible appointment.

That is how it is done. That is how you get a divorce. We won't bend so we broke.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Stuff that doesn't readily come to mind.

Have you ever thought about things that don't readily come to mind? Here are some things that I have thought about.

  1. Werewolves - Werewolves are well wolves right. Yet you have never seen them in their movie fame running around sniffing female werewolves butts, or even their preys for that matter.
  2. If you become a werewolf will you finally be able to lick your own balls?
  3. If a vampire bites someone with A.I.D.S do they get A.I.D.S?
  4. If they don't get A.I.D.S then could it be construed as a cure? Which could lead to the possibility of some well meaning vampire troop going to Africa to cure the ailing region of the horrible disease only to have them all vaporize by morning due to lack of suitable shelter from the sun com morning.
  5. If you are ill prior to becoming a vampire or a werewolf does your illness mutate with you and then wouldn't the mutated disease be essentially more lethal that the vampire or werewolf combined.
  6. In horror films the shock is usually caused by surprise however I think something that would be more frightening are things like social apathy where vile acts can be taken place in broad daylight and nothing is done about them until after the fact. Things like all of the things that go into place to institute social genocide like the weeks that lead up to a nation turning on itself.

Just thoughts that have no real place, but float around randomly amongst the dustbunnies of my mind.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Be comfortable with your patch of earth

In the process of dealing with severe emotional turmoil in your life the advice from those on the sidelines reads much like African - Americans commenting on a horror show. If I was in that situation I would... Inevitably advice from all around comes in on what you should or should not do and what you are or not justified in asking or doing. However one must ask is this a true opinion or is this a looking in the mirror. In the end the end result is entirely in your hands and at the end of the day you need to be completely satisfied with that result.

If everyone tells you to hold your ground while you are standing in front of a tank in tiananmen square or like Rachel Corey you stand in front of a tank in front of the villages only source of water against the Israeli tank then ultimately you need to be comfortable with the outcome of holding that ground. If you want to hold your ground and your result is being fired, killed or divorced then you need to be happy with that before you pick that piece of dirt and dig in.

I have been happy with my patch of dirt every since April 16th 2008. Hope is the only thing that has prolonged this situation, but my patch of dirt I have been happy with since then. Now the time has come to crap or get off the pot. A sunset to this drama and on with the rest of my life. We will see what happens on Friday.


Sin is how pain enters our world. It is caused by being impatient with God's plan to elevate our status in life. - MS

Saturday, August 15, 2009

What Happened on Monday?

So you have been waiting to find out what happened at the outcome of my court case. Well if you know the legal system there is a bunch of hurry up and wait. So this wasn't it. It was only a preliminary for something else.

What was it? Mediation, where the couple sits down and comes to a conclusion on how to end the relationship once everything is agreed upon you sign this document and then you are out. Well everything went so well and was so amicable that my lawyer just volunteered to write it all up and submit it to the courts. Well needless to say my lawyer got busy and then I sat down with her and she says that although all of the i's were dotted and the t's crossed she is not signing that piece of paper. My first reaction was like what? Why not? In my head I am thinking that she just finished giving me 50 million reasons why it wouldn't work and now she is telling me that she doesn't want to get divorced, huh? She was here, in my house, then she went back to where she was, and is going to try to make it work from there? WHAT!!! kind of madman sense does that make?

So what to do now? Well as I see it one of us is going to have to do something. I am willing to do a lot of stuff to make it work there is just some stuff that I am absolutely NOT going to do. There is just some stuff that she is NOT going to do and seems like the problem is that they cross so we get stuck and a full stand still. Well I am not going to stand here in this crap for another year, month, weeks. I think one of us needs to put a date on this thing. Doesn't look like she is willing to do it so I am going to do it. This Friday the 21st is the last day that I will try to do anything concerning this marriage. After that I quit, no reconciliation talks, no more effort, no nothing. I'll just wait until the court system gets around to giving us a date. You can only do this for so long before you have to come to your senses and see that either it is or it isn't going to work and if only one person is willing to work towards it then it isn't going to work.

That is where I am. So I will update you again on Friday.


Why such a title? Well let's get into it. This is one of those posts that I had actually thought of long ago and didn't write down so the gist of what I wanted to say may get lost in the sauce, but hopefully it will just get condensed to what really matters.

So you are standing there with your lottery ticket in your hand, your lover is ready and waiting for you at the peak of anticipation, your 45 is cocked and pointed at your head and what do all of these things have in common? You can't say Bismillah before you do any of them and whatever happens after you cross over to the wrong side of that decision will curse you for the rest of your days. Well theoretically Allahu Alim.

The believer with knowledge of what is right and wrong is in a even worse position. There are no excuses that can be offered for what he is doing or about to do. When you have knowledge you come up with some pretty wild justifications to negate any sin. For example suicide, you really can't commit suicide there are things that you can do to attain it, such as going into a drug den and call 911, alone. Begging Allah to delete your existence, no harm no foul no heaven or hell just cross me off all lists, but that is impossible as well.

So you go on living life. I came up with this the other day. Sin is caused by one not being patient with the test that Allah has given them. Sin is how pain enters the world.

Sunday, August 09, 2009

The Pig and the Princess

As the hours wind down on this thing we called marriage if it can even be called that slipping into the last hours, months whatever of this union what is left is nothing to write home about. In the end I was certain of nothing. Honesty, effort, integrity, sincerity nothing, but between now and the signing there is one thing that there will be. Music, very loud music.

I was told so many things including 50% of the reason she was going back from whence she came was the comfort level of cleanliness of my place. So many reasons, back to back her fear or insincerity shining through in the end I don't truly know. For whatever reason it didn't work and I am not going to beat her down about it on my blog. It is over and in a few hours it will be signed and done.

As for myself trying to reconstitute a heart from an IDGAF attitude was more than daunting. I tried with what I had to give. 100% of 1 out of 1,000 is less than desirable when the remembered amount was 995 and I suppose we were both guilty of that. When there is genuine love there with out fear or frustration even a little works. Of course Allah says it best here:

  • 2:265 (Y. Ali) And the likeness of those who spend their substance, seeking to please Allah and to strengthen their souls, is as a garden, high and fertile: heavy rain falls on it but makes it yield a double increase of harvest, and if it receives not Heavy rain<, light moisture sufficeth it. Allah seeth well whatever ye do.

  • I think that the key hurdle in this reconciliation was not my lack of trying but my lack of trying to restore my faith. Void of faith and connection with Allah that had so fed and protected me, this was simply impossible at this time. My heart was so cold and disconnected from my Lord that there was no way that I could respond to what my wife needed. At least not in the 14 days she was looking for it. Still I struggle with my Deen and Insha Allah I can get it back together.

    I suppose my blog will go on and I am here for any advice anyone may want to indulge in. So my readers will be happy in that.

    So stand by for some choice juicy tidbits of what my grocery list? I think not. However I will be here everyday saying something out of the side of my neck. If life doesn't get in the way. So here we go. I have some things to say though a lot of telling it like it is.