Thursday, March 20, 2008

He was a beautiful man

My wife's grandfather has just passed. He was a beautiful man full of life and energy. Although he had bad knees and was having a terrible time. He was the man that picked me out of the multitude of suitors that were seeking my wife's hand in marriage. For that I am eternally indebted to him. He was of contagious character. Always full of stories and always smiling. I loved him very much. He was to come and stay with us for the remainder of his days but Allah chose to call him home. Inna Lillahi Wa Inna ilayhe Rajioon. There is much more to say about him, but I am trying to get out of here tonight. Pray for us.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Maybe it's all just Shirk?

66:1 O PROPHET! Why dost thou, out of a desire to please [one or another of] thy wives, impose [on thyself] a prohibition of something that God has made lawful to thee? [1] But God is much-forgiving, a dispenser of grace:

9:24 Say: If it be that your fathers, your sons, your brothers, your mates, or your kindred; the wealth that ye have gained; the commerce in which ye fear a decline: or the dwellings in which ye delight - are dearer to you than Allah, or His Messenger, or the striving in His cause;- then wait until Allah brings about His decision: and Allah guides not the rebellious.

When we get these tests we are forced to return to the Quran and see what Allah said and then think seriously. In the first Ayat the Prophet is chastised against making something halaal into something that is Haram for the pleasure of his wives. I have made polygamy haram on myself for the satisfaction of my spouse. Many men do it I mean it is not obligatory but you really can't promise either you can only agree that such and such things will happen if it does happen. So I will check but I would think that the promise in and of itself would be haram, which would leave whether or not the husband does this or not entirely up to his own HEART in the first place.

Then in the second Ayat we get a stern warning from Allah in Surah At Tauba that if anything on this planet that your heart can be attached to is more dearer to you than Allah then you will be chastised in that thing. The person who loves their Father to death may have some calamity happen to their father or their father may do something that is so horrible to them it leave lasting effects. Your children are the apple of your eyes but if you do not look at them as an Amana from Allah no doubt they will cause you much heartache. If your money that you hold so dearly for the sustenance of each and everything around you and it brings you so much happiness Allah can flip it and it bring you nothing but misery and despair regardless of if you have a ton of it or never enough.

Finally your spouse that you adore and that can do no wrong in your eyes they have the capacity to completely and utterly devastate you with their actions. They can cheat on you, beat you, lie, steal or even go into polygamy all because you failed to put them in their proper place in reference to Allah Subhannahu Wa Ta'ala.

So many times we fail to see the beauty of this Deen because we allow ourselves to come so wrapped up in each other and the gifts that Allah subhannahu wa ta'ala has bestowed upon us. We stay in bad marriages for years because we have raised that spouse up to the status of a deity or that marriage. So Allah strikes it down so that you will repent and put things in their proper place. You can either be patient and learn the lesson or you can throw a tantrum and add fifty more lessons to the one that you were supposed to learn in the first place.

Allah gave me my wife and she is very beautiful, but He gave her to me to help me in my Deen. I had a responsibility to lead her in Deen and we had an obligation to grow in Deen, but we got complacent and so problems rolled in. Verily Allah does not change the condition of a people until they change that which they have within themselves. Alhamdulillah Rabil A'lameen.

I Submit Allah, I submit.

Qul inni Salati wa nusuki wa mahyaya wa mamati lillahi Rabil A'lameen. Say verily my prayer, my Sacrifice, my life and my death are for Allah Lord of all of the worlds.

Only one place to turn

I have learned that you really only have one place to turn. One place of solitude, one place of comfort and that is with Allah. After you have gone off the path for so long Allah comes along and slaps you in the back of the head and brings you back into focus. I have no place of refuge now. The most intimate relationship that I have had with my wife is gone and maybe it was its time to go because it was killing her silently or loudly depending on how you look at it. However and for whatever reason its time has come and so in comes that rushing lonely feeling that you have when you are in a crowded room and yet completely alone.

So where do you go? You go to the only place you can go, to Allah and you ask Him for help in this test and slowly and surely you put one foot in front of the other and you hold on to the rope. You wrap it around several times and hang on. You see the shayateen laughing and reclining all around you completely at peace because they figure you are going to let go of that rope sooner or later, but you hold on. There is nothing underneath your feet and the weight of your sins is hard on you. Your hands bleed but you hold on and you ask for some sign that will give you tranquility in this moment and pray that you can be patient and steadfast in all of this mess. You are there alone, all alone just you and Allah and whatever shred of faith you have left.

With every hardship, comes ease.

The tongue shouldn't move so swiftly

so you know all of the words have been said,

all of the nymphs have been evicted

will there still be passion in this bed?

Where will the connection be?

Will Allah bring it back,

can this union be saved,

will we get back on track?

These are things that I don't know,

they are not in my hands,

will we rise up out of this

or be cast upon the sands?

I don't remember the wrongs I've done

nor do I remember hers,

all that I experience is the evidence of burrs,

from prickly thorns of the fruit of zaquum

and now I taste its sting,

I can only ask and pray that we can be free of this thing.

The hellfire is so close now,

I can almost feel its heat,

Will Allah save us from it on that fateful day we meet?

So much pain and anguish that we have freely passed,

now we are covered with the regrets of the sins that we've amassed.

Oh Allah help us from this

and return us to our loving bliss

and forgive us our shirk of raising each other alongside you,

our faulty desires too,

and our slipping from the mound,

return us please to a place with you that is surely safe and sound.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Now I have to lie too?

3:14 Fair in the eyes of men is the love of things they covet: women and sons; Heaped-up hoards of gold and silver; horses branded (for blood and excellence); and (wealth of) cattle and well-tilled land. Such are the possessions of this world's life; but in nearness to Allah is the best of the goals (To return to).

4:28 Allah wishes to lighten (the burden) for you; and man was created weak (cannot be patient to leave sexual intercourse with woman).

I have accepted the fact that I cannot tell my wife everything, I have reiterated my promise of not pursuing polygamy in our marriage. I have reinforced it by promising that I will not mention it through the duration of our marriage. I have now and always will live by the hadith "If you are out and you see a beautiful woman then go home and make love to your wife." I live by that. All of this however is not enough. Now I have to say baby you are all that I have ever wanted and all that I will ever want for now and forever more. You are all that my eyes see and you are all that I desire. Which is true because I am not looking for anything else and this is all that she wants me to say. Well then so be it, but the truth is that men do look and they do desire and they would if they could have it all. Not just me but any man who is very passionate has a high sex drive and loves women. All of the passions that light my fire when I am out and about my wife reaps the full benefit, but this is not enough. I never am in sisters faces grinning from ear to ear. I never sit an ogle on beaches and I lower my gaze. I keep away from excessive conversation and I tell women exactly how it is. I am my wife's and that is all that I am, but that is not enough.

Now I have to lie and put it in a package and make it very presentable. I suppose it is not lying just avoiding direct questions. My Mom cursed me to be completely honest, but even the Prophet was better at soothing the souls of his wives and he never lied, but he also had 9 wives so I guess he wouldn't have to.

My wife says I just don't get it. I don't know, I love her with all that I am and if it is a few words that will make it all better then I guess I will surrender them and keep everything else to myself. Make dua for me I have to retrain my tongue.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Two Lessons

I always tell my children that there are two lessons in life the ones that your parents teach you (the short and sweet lessons) and the ones that Allah teaches you for not listening to your parents (these normally take years to get it through your thick skull). I suppose as you get older it then becomes the advice of those who have experienced the things that you are going through and warn you about the outcomes.

I reflect on Safa. We all know and love Safa and we all wished her well and we gave her good advice on what she needed to do to be happy and had she listened her ordeal would have been over two years ago. However she did not and she wound up with an extra child and an additional years of pain. The child was going to come regardless of whether or not she stayed in Canada the first time or not. The point is sometimes you have to accept that people sometimes choose Allah's test. I knew that this was her choice when she left. I realized that there wasn't anything that any of us could really do about her decisions the only thing we could do was to be there when she stumbled and fell and give her encouragement.

It is hard to see someone you care about making the wrong decisions, but you have to realize that sometimes that is their choice to make and sometimes they choose the long road. It is just that Allah's tests are Sooooo long I mean two years it took Safa two years to get free and become happy. There really is nothing that you can do though except be there and sometimes you just have to accept that.

Today I met a man

Friday, March 14, 2008


What is it? Is it the things we have? Is it our Deen? Is it a state of mind? Will we have it if we have that thing? That person? That job? Those kids? The truth is I don't know, but it is absent in a troubled heart and then it leaves one longing for it searching for it in everything outside of themselves when happiness is found inside.

When there are things that we really want we get a feeling that they will make us happy when in actuality we will just be as miserable as we were before with this thing that we really wanted, which will only leave us looking for something else.

Loneliness, indebtedness, Sadness are all states of mind that can be controlled by a sense of purpose and an acceptance of those things that one cannot change and a positive outlook on the rest of life.

Depression for many is a choice. It is something that can be substantiated in just about every sphere of life. When I got divorced the first time I made a conscience choice to not get depressed. It helped tremendously because I was really sad. When I started going through this with my wife I made a choice not to get depressed, but it was substantially harder not to break down completely because I love her soooo much more. It hurts but if you look at the pain as an expiation for your sins then I suppose that is something positive to look at. There is no physical pain that is truly equal to the pains of the heart. Physical pain can be numbed with drugs but emotional pain will be there as long as you sit there holding it. It was funny we found that our pain was at a specific location and when we went back to that location sure enough that is exactly where we left it. The solution is to stop going there and checking on it to see how it is doing. It is still there.

So now you have to find happiness with yourself and you can't always do it unless you practice being happy fake it until you make it. Because your Deen won't make you happy no matter how often you change it. Stuff won't make you happy no matter how much more of it you purchase. Your spouse won't make you happy no matter how great they are. Happiness is inside and it is a commandment from Allah because he goes through great lengths to show you that you should be thankful. Surah Rahman is something that anyone should read if they are sad and becoming depressed or experience loss. It helps.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Just Do Right

Sometimes when we are tested we have to be firm and do the right thing. Sometimes you start off on a selfish journey and it comes to a point where you just need to stand up and do the right thing. It is sometimes hard, but it is what needs to be done. Sometimes the temptation is incredible and going forward seems like the right thing to do but you know deep down inside that it isn't and that is the little voice that you have to listen to. I think when we get great tests like this doing right for the Sake of Allah brings us greater blessing and treasures in this life and in the life to come.

It may be possible to want a thing that you think is good for you but it is bad for you and you may want to get away from something that you think is bad for you but it is actually good for you. (gross paraphrasing)Only Allah knows what is best for you and if that is the case then He will give you the things that are best for you.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Never felt this way

My wife dedicated this song to me today and this is exactly how I feel about her. I chose this version of the song because the girl does a good job and she reminds me of my daughters and everybody needs a break.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Do you think you will not be tested?

The tests keep coming but we keep making it. We got into a huge fight yesterday and I hated it. I hate fighting with my wife. In our marriage of 7 years this is our 3rd. 2 of them have been this year. I hate fighting with her. We have been rehashing what you did and what you said to each other and I suppose that has its place but it doesn't allow you to move on. In the end we are both guilty of our own pain or rather the continuing experience of pain. This process has been going slowly and the pain is at times very great, but we love each other tremendously and miraculously that is keeping us going. My prayers are with my marriage and I appreciate all of your prayers for us. They are helping. I rue the thought of us not being together.

A very sad thing that we both came to the glaring reality of is that I can't tell my wife everything. My thoughts are often dark and sometimes influenced by the Shaytan which he uses to exploit every fear or insecurity my wife has. You just can't tell women EVERYTHING which is really hard because she is my ONLY real friend. So I suppose now I will have to find a blog somewhere else to vent my dark thoughts. I know Islamically it would probably be best to leave them deep inside somewhere but I would rather them in front of me so that I can know exactly where my weaknesses are.

So that is a major regret in all of this. I don't know how it will change. She says that she wouldn't want it to change but I can see no real way of keeping it going since so many of my thoughts cause so much pain. Most of my thoughts are benign and only pass through on a whim but once I utter the words they are long lasting in their effects.

I really was forced to think about my desire for polygamy in all of this. All of this time I never really realized why it came across my mind so often. So now I know and that is good so that I can put it into its proper perspective. I think of it strangely when things feel like they are falling apart and I use the thought of being successful in that arena as a way of acceptance and validation of life. The fantasy is always the same and the elements of it are the same. I am not going to go into all of the gory details here but suffice it to say that when I am in that place I am completely safe from the shambles that is my life. I have been going to that place for quite sometime, and now I know why I go there I can better cope with why I have my desires. I don't think that it will be going anywhere any time soon, but I know what I have to do to keep it in check.

Tested, yeah how will we all handle the test?

Sunday, March 09, 2008

I can't stand it

This is one of those crowbar in heart days. I hate days like these I don't know why they exist but they do. Uggh I wish this was over Ahhhhhh!!!!! One word sometimes is all that it takes. This sucks I was doing so well. Back to square one chin up and all that stuff. Hope dammit hope.

Saturday, March 08, 2008

The Sunnah of living

Randy Pausch it is a great watch please do so.

He is too Fat

I love this crazy cat. He is so fat!!!

Scary, Reality, Wisdom and Allah

First of all I want to say that I believe that we are going to be ok. Insha Allah Subhannahu wa T'ala. However there are a lot of revelations that I came out with of this thing thus far. I know I said quite a few things during this whole thing thus far. I just want to say that Allah really forces you once you have faith to look at things much differently. First of all if you have any depth of faith you know there are just some things that you really can't do. Getting really mad and throwing tantrums is one of them as if the whole world will stop and listen to you sort it out. As if you were that important. Once you let go you can then begin to see things in their true perspective. The truth of any circumstance that you make in life is the ultimate reality that you are only in charge of your own actions.

This has been a very painful time that I wouldn't wish on anyone however just as the forest regains life after a horrific forest fire life goes on after tumultuous pain. Many great things were learned during this period. The most important for me is that money don't mean a thing when you really get down to the essence of what things mean. You will always have bills, some you can pay and some others will have to wait. It is not worth it to get all bent out of shape about because you will be on this earth whether you can pay your bills or if you can't. In the end it is all how you handle it. If someone would give me a million dollars for my family I wouldn't trade them for the world.

What was the key in the whole thing? What is always key a communication breakdown. Although we were talking the talk was one sided on key issues. I really cherish that I can tell my wife anything even those things that hurt, that has always been a staple of our relationship. However if you allow any kind of talk to come out and there is no protest about things then silence is acceptance and if you don't communicate otherwise and that is a recipe for problems.

I said a great many things and I thought of all kinds of scenarios, but once you have wisdom from Allah you have to choke down the fact that you don't have the right to such foolishness. You can't kill yourself as one may like to do out of ultimate protest because that simply is not allowed. You can't assist suicide by orchestrating events around you so that you can somehow say that it wasn't your fault on the day of judgement. Like going into drug holes and calling all of the drug dealers out and declaring that you will report them all. Although seemingly brave there is a great chance that you will get shot in the head and if that was your aim then you get no reward in it. So that is out. So you are stuck alive in your situation cause you can't pull one over on Allah. Nor can you move to Africa and marry a curiously thin woman.

You can't say that you will refuse to get married again if you are incredibly sexually weak. You can't be a whore out of depression or whatever and just say that you will have to get the recompense of such actions on the flip side. You are to wise for that. So your Deen dictates that you attempt to either hold yourself or reluctantly get married and IF you get married again then of course you have to do your best. You could seek out sisters who can't have children though I suppose and then just exist together, but again you would have to do your best to be the best husband.

You can't really move to the high side of the mountain because what kind of existence would that be for kids. So you are stuck with life and Allah affords you no excuses and if you choose wrong then inevitably He will make life really suck so that you will wake up out of your funk and get back with the program.

You accepted Islam and you gave your soul to Allah so you must go forward willingly or unwillingly but either way you will go forward so ultimately the only thing you can do is be patient pray to Allah for strength and put one foot in front of the other.

The scariest thing in all of this was knowing that regardless what happened I would have to keep going forward with or without the love of my life. I would have to keep making the best of my life and I would have to put my face toward the future and keep going. Keep going for my children and grand children and be the best example as I can be as a father and possible husband again. I really didn't like that possibility however I am Allah's servant and I must Submit to Him in all occasions.

Alhamdulillah the thanks we gave at the beginning of our marriage has been answered in this hour of darkness. Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah. I really really love my wife with all of my being and if she wasn't able to make it into Jannah before me I would wait at the edge of our palace until Allah subhannahu wa ta'ala released her so that we could be rejoined again. If that is even possible.

I never thought that soulmates existed but she is mine and I will love her until the day that I die. So I pray that Allah will forgive us our sins and admit us unto His countenance. She is so beautiful I couldn't imaging being blessed this much again if things didn't work out.

Qul Inni Salati wa Nusuki wa mahyaya wa mamati Lillahi rabil A'lameen

Say verily my prayer my sacrifice my life and my death are for Allah Lord of the Worlds.

Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

I have to defend my wife

Due to some comments that I have received I feel compelled to defend my wife. I hold my wife completely innocent in this whole sordid state of affairs. I feel that I am all to blame. I have a problem and can be most noted that this is my second marriage in which the same seed has spoiled the batch. I am going to check myself into therapy over this. I am very angry these days at my complete and utter ignorance. I was completely blinded. You see I have A.D.D I have been diagnosed with it at least. It is a very frustrating illness, because you are constantly starting your life over every so many months only to go for a while then slip back into the same patterns. Or maybe it is just lack of discipline. I can't really blame it on that when I reflect on the gross negligences that I committed. I was expecting a small rap sheet of maybe half a page and then she brought out the library of congress. Denial has kept us so seemingly happy. It doesn't help that my memory is extremely selective either. Significant event memory I think it is called. I can remember significant events but not where they happened chronologically.

Polygamy was always a staple fantasy in my head. In truth my fantasy had nothing to do with polygamy at all. My fantasy truth be told was 100% haram, but could be courted through polygamy being I was this good Muslim and all. When I married my wife I told her of the things that happened in my first marriage and swore that I wouldn't invite that into this marriage and I was perfectly fine for quite sometime. Then I began to dabble back on my beliefnet debates about the subject. Why I don't know I was on watch and had a lot of free time staring at the computer screen, and I like to debate and polygamy is always a hot topic. So 9/20/2005 I post on B'Net 2nd wife revisited and thus the seed was laid. Shaytan's plan was in set up mode. Then I got hit with a one two punch because I had forgotten about that little post actually and everything was fine.

Then the bomb dropped Big Love and wow what a show that was. That was all that was needed to light the Poly fire inside of me and I became completely obsessed. Researching looking finding articles people, groups, studies it was ridiculous and it was also the beginning of the long road that brings me to the sadness that I feel today. For five years I had been the perfect (quasi) husband and now all of that came to a screeching halt with this obsession of mine. I would trade anything for that title back.

Why did I have this weakness? Why did I give in where did this all come from. Well when I see my therapist I suppose I will find out. I think a lot of it has to do with self-esteem issues and feelings of inadequacy. Desire for one-upmanship. Either way it is fucked up my life. I said that I remember poly things from my earliest childhood. I still remember the fantasies that I had in grade school like 3rd grade and they were Poly. So I don't think it is something that I am going to just get rid of anytime soon. I did suppress it very well for 5 years and if my wife and I move on no doubt it will be suppressed for the rest of my life.

The A.D.D play in. Well people that have A.D.D get hyperfocused on a thing of interest. It manifests itself differently in different people. My latest fixation as you all know was with the hydrogen fuel cell stuff. Still working on that, but it is obviously on the back burner now. So with this polygamy situation my fixation drove my first and second wife through the roof, because it was all that I could think of and it was doubly damaging because it was intertwined with sex another thing that I can get hyperfocused on. So basically I was doomed from the start.

So as you can see my wife is highly innocent of any wrongdoing. I on the other hand have some serious problems, which also highly contributes to the fact that I will never get married again. That and the fact that I am tremendously in love with my wife and it just wouldn't be fair to anyone else trying to get out of her shadow. I won't do it again this is the end of the road for me. She's the most beautiful girl I have ever seen and I love her with all of my heart and I really regret the shortfalls that I have.

Tickets to africa $1300.

Monday, March 03, 2008


I'm going to commit Suicide
But not in the traditional sense of the Term

Now hairs standing on ends
So wait, listen, learn

I'm not going to pull the trigger
Though one provided every three days

I won't blow my brains out
no that is not the way

And no I wont grab the blade
and make concentric rows

And wail unto the heavens
and end all my woes

And no not the boric acid
and definitely not the bleach

So many imaginative ways
all well within my reach

But I'm going to commit Suicide
but not the traditional sense of the term

Hearts maybe shaking now
still you must wait and learn

Defining myself of who I am
and what I do

There is something inside me
whose time is definitely through

He waits until tomorrow
He doesn't seize the day

He is content in watching all that matters
Slowly drift away

He doesn't ever say thank you
even more seldom please

He festers and languishes
that disgusting disease

He doesn't give an effort
He doesn't even try

It's him that I speak of
That bastard has to die

How can I kill him
Now I must think of a way truly profound

So that when he's dead
It will affect everyone around

This is delicate and much care taken
Not a typical Suicide you know

But it must be effective
That bastard has to go

No he won't be missed
And definitely won't be mourned

His stench and stupid, laziness
that leave everything cast and torn

His half completed projects
and partially formed ideas

And all of the rest of his Shit
I've collected through the years

I was happy you son of a bitch
now look at what you've done

I'm going to grab that 12 guage
So you better run

I know you won't think I'll do it
and soon you can relax

But your ass is sadly mistaken
you just don't have the facts

I'm going to kill your ass
and live this day and each that come behind it

And you will be missing your life
But in me you will not find it

Yes I'm going to commit Suicide
But not in the traditional sense of the term

Killing the malingering inside me
That lying lesioned festering worm

Oh yes I'm going to kill you
Oh yes I must succeed
for you have failed me all my life
taking everything I need

You took my dreams and aspirations
Then filled my heart with fear

scuttled my opportunities
and all that I hold dear

You shut my mouth and held it closed
When I tried to speak

So I confided in you
Then you made me weak

You went all the way
and did not stop
Even sabotaged my Deen

You are not were never my friend
You are just evil, decrepit, mean

Take my life my happiness
my children's smiles, my wife's caress
my wealth, my career, my life

I'm going to kill you
you son of a bitch and then take back my life

I was born to live, grow, produce
Not waste away in your refuse

You sickly sullen man
But with all my strength and all my might
Kill you yes I can

So I'm going to commit Suicide
But not the traditional sense of the term

For life is still yet beautiful
and something I must earn

I tried to kill him once before
but he came back again
Increasing me in weakness,
fortifying sin

So now I must commit Suicide
and yes without regret

For living life without him
each moment is heaven sent

I normally don't do this but I must say that this poem is not about suicide. I have to say this because there are several people in the world that feel really hopeless and would be duped into justifying their actions after reading it and I don't want any part of that.

This poem is about that little voice inside of us all that craves failure. For some odd un self preserving manner it is the voice that causes us to never act on ideas or take chances. Only later to regret and live in the past.

This poem is about killing that voice that lies in us all.

Sunday, March 02, 2008

Time to pay the Piper

61:1 Whatever is in the heavens and on earth, let it declare the Praises and Glory of Allah. for He is the Exalted in Might, the Wise.

سَبَّحَ لِلَّهِ مَا فِي السَّمَاوَاتِ وَمَا فِي الْأَرْضِ وَهُوَ الْعَزِيزُ الْحَكِيمُ (61:1)

61:2 O ye who believe! Why say ye that which ye do not?

يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آَمَنُوا لِمَ تَقُولُونَ مَا لَا تَفْعَلُونَ (61:2)

61:3 Grievously odious is it in the sight of Allah that ye say that which ye do not.

كَبُرَ مَقْتًا عِندَ اللَّهِ أَن تَقُولُوا مَا لَا تَفْعَلُونَ (61:3)

61:4 Truly Allah loves those who fight in His Cause in battle array, as if they were a solid cemented structure.

إِنَّ اللَّهَ يُحِبُّ الَّذِينَ يُقَاتِلُونَ فِي سَبِيلِهِ صَفًّا كَأَنَّهُم بُنيَانٌ مَّرْصُوصٌ

After my first marriage I promised to do some things if certain things happened, well they all happened so Now I have to do that thing that I promised. I have to live life to its fullest and perform Dawah like I promised that I would do. Even if it means my life. I have no further excuses.

29:2 Do men think that they will be left alone on saying, "We believe", and that they will not be tested?
أَحَسِبَ النَّاسُ أَن يُتْرَكُوا أَن يَقُولُوا آمَنَّا وَهُمْ لَا يُفْتَنُونَ (29:2)

29:3 We did test those before them, and Allah will certainly know those who are true from those who are false.

وَلَقَدْ فَتَنَّا الَّذِينَ مِن قَبْلِهِمْ فَلَيَعْلَمَنَّ اللَّهُ الَّذِينَ صَدَقُوا وَلَيَعْلَمَنَّ الْكَاذِبِينَ (29:3)

Whenever you Promise Allah something you may as well brace yourself for a test and pray that He keep you strong and make it easy for you. You can't run from your tests because they will come anyway. You have to keep your eyes focused on the final goal and do the things that you set out to do. We are all great, but we have to walk on our own.

Love, Learn, Believe

Saturday, March 01, 2008

Wisdom from Allah

2:216 Fighting is prescribed for you, and ye dislike it. But it is possible that ye dislike a thing which is good for you, and that ye love a thing which is bad for you. But Allah knoweth, and ye know not.

كُتِبَ عَلَيْكُمُ الْقِتَالُ وَهُوَ كُرْهٌ لَّكُمْ وَعَسَى أَن تَكْرَهُواْ شَيْئًا وَهُوَ خَيْرٌ لَّكُمْ وَعَسَى أَن تُحِبُّواْ شَيْئًا وَهُوَ شَرٌّ لَّكُمْ وَاللّهُ يَعْلَمُ وَأَنتُمْ لاَ تَعْلَمُونَ (2:216)

These days are very painful, but a lot of good is coming from it. We are dragging skeletons out of the closet by the truck full. Dragging them out into the light and putting them to rest. We have a long way to go but in this pain there is ease. Alhamdulillah


Sometimes I'm ok and I can function like a normal human being and other times I feel like someone has a crowbar in my chest and is ripping my heart out through the breastplate. I feel like breaking down like Ben Stiller in Something about Mary. Honestly these feelings are so intense. I'm worried sick about my wife. She was driving home sleepy and she hasn't returned any of my calls. Her mobile was dead too the battery so I am concerned to pieces. That girl is going to be the death of me.