Saturday, August 30, 2008

First Day of Domestic Violence class

Ok so I have been mandated to go to these Domestic Abuse classes at the behest of my job. It is mandatory for them so even if the State didn't pursue it my job would have and it is for 6 months. So I am thinking like this if I am arrogant then I will not have anything to contribute and nothing to learn. So I am sitting in this class with 4 other guys and I am writing a post for something. Being basically ambivalent about the whole situation, I'm stuck here so I may as well write something cool. Anyway the counselor comes in and she is so plastic that she would make Barbie Jealous. She sat there the whole session with the most plastic condescending smile on her face but I didn't say much about anything I just sat and listened until she asked for the definition of violence. The programs Definition of Violence is:

Any attempt to impose my will on another.


After that I had to say something when she explained a scenario of a married couple in which the wife went out and blew all of the household money on frivolous activities. She asked what would you do in a situation like this and I said the proper thing to do would be to limit access to the funds or put her on an allowance where she adamantly said that was improper and a form of violence as I will show in the diagram below. Then she went on to explain the three viable choices that a responsible person is left with.

  • Negotiation: Talk out the problem and arrive at an amicable solution.
  • Acceptance: Suck up the transgression that is being done against you and live with it within yourself. (Personally I think this option is a ticking time-bomb)
  • Separation: Leave the relationship altogether.

So to get this straight if my wife and I can't talk something out and I or she is not willing to suck up what it is that the other is doing then we need to get a divorce? Automatically. That is the psychology of the west and I ask you to hold in mind that this is a capitalistic system and in theory it is just that easy, but for most a little thing called love complicates the issue. However this is what I did. I filed for legal divorce. She did this too she left me with the kids, She asked me for talaq a while back and the Iddah had passed so the problem should have naturally been resolved. The issues came into place when the legal divorce was on the table.

So after we go around the table on how two wrongs don't make a right and just leave the relationship, I'm sitting back thinking this has got to be the stupidest nonsense that I've heard, but I have an open mind because I know that I'm not perfect, but I know as a secular system it divides everything down to the individual and only the individual is important.


Now here is the Power & Control Wheel and I know that stuff is hard to read so I will include it here:

A. POWER AND CONTROL TECHNIQUES

Physical violence is the most typical form of abuse associated with domestic violence. Yet, victims suffer many types of abuse at the hands of their partners. Sexual coercion and assault are frequently part of the dynamic of a violent relationship. In addition, the power and control tactics, described below and illustrated to the right, reflect the common experiences of many victims of relationship violence. These tactics are used by perpetrators of domestic violence to maintain power and control over their partners.

The Power and Control Wheeld
*The Power and Control Wheel

Statistics show the majority of domestic violence victims are women;
however men are also victims of domestic violence

Economic Abuse

The perpetrator maintains tight control over the couple's finances and oversees what money the victim may have or spend. The perpetrator may not allow the victim to work; may sabotage any efforts the victim makes to get or keep a job and may require that the victim relinquish all earnings to the abusive partner.

Coercion And Threats

The perpetrator may threaten to harm the victim, victim's children, other family members or family pet. They may also force the victim to engage in acts against her/his will or threaten to turn the victim into the Immigration and Naturalization Service, the Internal Revenue service or some other government agency. Threats of suicide by the perpetrator are also very common.

Intimidation

The perpetrator may try to intimidate the victim. This intimidation may occur through menacing looks or expressions, destroying property in front of the victim or by hurting or killing the family pets. Also, the perpetrator may display weapons in front of the victim as a means of frightening her or him.

Emotional Abuse

The perpetrator may use emotional abuse to convince the victim that they are crazy or irrational, thus causing them to doubt their own beliefs, experiences or feelings. This emotional abuse, in the form of name calling, constant criticism and insults, is much more serious than the occasional argument. To the contrary, the perpetrator often continually humiliates and degrades her/his partner, thus wearing away at the victim's self-esteem.

Isolation

The perpetrator often tries to isolate the victim from friends and family members. The victim may not be allowed to leave home without permission and may be forbidden from making telephone calls. Eventually, the victim can become completely cut off from anyone who might be able to help her/him escape from the abuse.

Minimizing, Denying, Blaming

The perpetrator is likely to minimize or even deny their actions even in cases where injury occurs. If the police were called, but did not make an arrest, the perpetrator may rely on their inaction to deny wrongdoing. Also, the abusive partner will often blame the victim for their violent behavior and all too often, the victim will accept at least some responsibility for the abuse perpetrated upon them.

Using Children

Perpetrators may use the children to maintain control over the victim of the abuse. The perpetrator may threaten to harm the children or to kidnap them and flee the jurisdiction. Also, the perpetrator may tell the victim that if they leave, they will have abandoned the children and will lose custody forever. The victim can also be made to feel guilty for breaking up the family if she/he leaves the situation.

Using Male Privilege

Perpetrators may treat the victim like a servant, making all the important decisions, acting like the "master of the castle", being the one to define men's and women's roles.

The majority of domestic violence victims experience some combination of the power and control tactics described above.

B. CYCLE OF VIOLENCE

The Cycle of Violence was first described by Lenore Walker in her 1979 work, The Battered Woman. This model can be useful when trying to understand the complex dynamics that occur in violent or abusive relationships. The Cycle of Violence has been described has having three stages: the tension building stage; the violent episode; and the honeymoon stage. Each stage is defined by certain characteristics. During the tension building phase, the relationship is typified by increasing hostility and stress that may be accompanied by frequent arguments and perhaps limited violence. This stage may eventually escalate to a more serious incident of violent and/or abusive behavior. It is during this second phase that injury is most likely to occur. It is also at this time that the victim in an abusive relationship may seek some type of intervention or assistance. The violent episode is frequently followed by a third phase, often referred to as the honeymoon phase. This phase is characterized by remorse on the part of the perpetrator and hope for change on the part of the victim.

Although not all abusive relationships follow this cyclical pattern, the cycle of violence can help to explain what both the victim and the abusive partner are experiencing in many instances. The victim of abuse may be more interested in stopping the violence than in ending the relationship, while the perpetrator may be afraid his/her partner will want to leave. The honeymoon phase represents their efforts to repair and normalize the relationship and may provide the victim with hope that the batterer's behavior will change. In addition, the difficulties involved in ending a violent relationship may seem overwhelming for the victim of domestic violence. Unfortunately, in many abusive relationships the violence will continue and may escalate over time without intervention.

So I do the natural thing I get home and do a self-assessment, I decide to go through all of the literature that they gave me to assess whether or not I am a truly abusive person and was I that person before all this started and why am I this way now if I have truly turned into an abusive person. I like to think of myself as a pretty easy going person, but things have happened in the last 9 months that have me completely out of my skin. So let's look at both wheels and then I will start my self analysis because I do better at these things after sitting down and writing all out.

So here is the Self-Assessment now keep in mind when you begin to study psychology often times there is a tendency to accept all symptoms of a diagnosis because in any issue you can if you are honest with yourself see some part of most social dysfunctions. So here we go.

Economic Abuse: Not Guilty all financial decisions were talked about and discussed and I expressed what I was able to do and not do and if there were obligations above and beyond what I could provide she agreed to take full responsibility for those so that she could enjoy them at that time.

Coercion and Threats: Guilty I did make threats none of them physical and my justification was to just have her back off. I did not make the threat that she says I made on her blog about taking her life. I would never threaten anyone with such a thing.

Intimidation: Not Guilty I have never done any of the actions in this category.

Emotional Abuse: Not Guilty I understand that some may feel that my desire or my open expression for desire of polygamy as emotional abuse however I disagree but am willing to talk about it. I feel that the discussion thereof only came after I was informed that it was indeed warranted and necessary to discuss. If there is anything else in this category that some may feel that I am guilty of I am willing to talk through it.

Isolation: I have not isolated her from her friends even the ones that I don't approve of I have clearly expressed my dislike of any action of my wife and she has been free to decide how she is going to use that information.

Minimizing, Denying and blaming: Not guilty of anything described in the definition.

Using Children: debatable and the reason I say that is because any gestures in that vein were made in response to similar gestures initiated from her side. Harm was never a tool however limiting unsupervised access was contemplated by both sides.

Using Male Priviledge: Not Guilty As a Muslim I realize that I am afforded great power and control over the family however this must be attenuated with Love and understanding and respect and at no point did I make my wife feel like a servant to my knowledge.


So after the negotiations broke down and acceptance was established as not an option there was the leaving and so reconciliation was attempted however reconciliation attempts only seemed to serve as opportunitys for ambush on my heart. So finally I was done and I came over with the LAST and final set of ultimatums because the rest of it wasn't negotiable and that had already been established. It was an accept or quit situation. I had already been negotiating since April so there was really no point in sitting down and talking for much further so it is not like it started with the final ultimatum. It is often asked why do victims depending on you looking at her or I as the victim just leave, well I can say that this current situation all resulted with me trying to do just that LEAVE as Peacefully as humanly possible. However it would seem the further I got the more she would try to bring me back for more of the stuff that got us here in the first place. ABUSE is not exclusive to MEN although all of the literature in this course is written that way.

Now a lot of the stuff that I suppose they will be teaching in class in the future besides if you won't budge, won't accept then divorce posture is Anger Management techniques which I already have in place. In an argument I won't talk over the other person. I will let them say whatever it is they have to say and if they feel the need to cut me off I will just start over until I either forget what it was I was going to say and leave or be patient until the other person stops ranting and then say my peace. If I get really upset I follow the Sunnah and sit down and if that doesn't work then I lie down if that doesn't work then I leave. The only person that was heard yelling that day was her even though we were arguing about the children.

So ultimately what did I learn? Well looking back at the situation before everything went south I feel that the decision that I made on the 20th of April I should have just stuck with and let everything else ride. I pronounced Divorce on that day so that she would be free to do whatever it was that she was doing that I didn't approve of in peace and tranquility. Had I began the paperwork before I got home it would have been halfway done by now. However when you love someone that hard and that deeply just cutting it off and letting go is super difficult. I also learned that threats are not necessary Allah will work it out in due time in the most perfect manner. I don't think there would have been any problem if she had agreed to stick to the visitation schedule the SHE wrote out when I first began to file for divorce. It wasn't perfect, but I was willing to live with it. Now post DV charge whatever the court grants I will accept, because I know that Allah has a larger plan for us. In the future I will refrain from making ANY threats as the effects of that hot wind can be more than damaging.

However prior to that day that is where it all was. Promptly proceeding to me leaving dealing with the acceptace of something that was completely unacceptable to me. I couldn't accept what was going on so I was leaving the divorce was filed and the only problem as I can see it that landed me in this situation is that I kept looking back hoping that things would change. Praying that what I believed was true wasn't, but Allah's evidence was volumous and obvious and so I prayed for understanding and I think I am at a point closer to that today, maybe one day I will understand it all Allahu Alim. I know I have prayed for this to come to a resolution and it appears that Allah took over and is working this out in the most perfect manner.


So then they gave us some other pamphlets to read. I am posting a lot of this stuff here because A. I am working through my problems and B. I know a lot of sisters/people that read my blog are in abusive relationships. ESPECIALLY since I am so open and talk about SEX and stuff on my blog.

Time Out

A Tool to Stop your Abuse and Violence

  • Violence is a choice.
  • You must discuss agree, and practice the TIME OUT with you must discuss, agree, and practice the time out with your partner, so your partner knows what you are doing.
  • Time Out is not a solution but it will help until you get to the root of the problem.
  • Recognize your anger
    • Monitor your conflict – Be aware when you are no longer engaged in constructive arguing.
    • Monitor your body signs – Racing thought, inability to listen, flushed, headache, pounding heart, sweating palms, tense jaws, and clenched fists.
    • Monitor your self talk – Telling yourself negative things about yourself, your partner, or the situation escalate the anger. Name-calling, cursing, and commands, such as “Get off my back”, “I told you to shut up” also escalate the anger.
  • Take time out
    • Tell your partner you are taking TIME OUT.
    • Do not second guess yourself.
    • Do not get the last word in.
    • Simply say, “I am taking a TIME OUT” and leave.
  • Leave for one hour
    • Don’t drink or drug. Don’t drive. Don’t hit pillows, walls, or a punching bag (rehearsal for acting out violence).
    • Do something physical, such as walking, running, bicycling, workout, etc.
    • Do relaxation techniques, such as, deep breathing.
    • Do positive self talk, “I am taking responsibility for myself”.
    • Check out your feelings using I statements. “I feel hurt”, “I feel sad”, “I feel embarrassed”.
    • Check out what you think your partner’s point of view might be
  • Check back in
    • Ask if now is a good time to talk. Explain why you felt angry. Attempt to resolve the conflict. If you cannot resolve the conflict. Table it for another time and follow through later. If you get angry again, take another TIME OUT.

LOOK FOR WITHIN SOLUTIONS a resolution must be acceptable to BOTH parties for it to work.


Another little hand out that I thought was interesting was the Fair Fighting Guidelines.

FAIR FIGHTING GUIDELINES

  1. Remember: In a fair fight there is no winner or loser.
  2. The aim of a fair fight is a solution.
  3. Whenever either person tries to prove himself right and the other person wrong, this is dirty fighting.
  4. Be specific when you bring up a gripe.
  5. Don't just complain, no matter how specifically. Ask for a reasonable change that will receive the gripe.
  6. Ask for and give feedback of the major points, to make sure you are heard and to assure your partner that you understand what they want.
  7. Confine yourself to one issue at a time. Otherwise, you may skip back and forth, evading the hard ones.
  8. Do not be glib or intolerant. Be open to your own feelings, and equally open to your partner's.
  9. Do not allow counter-demands to enter the picture until the original demands are clearly understood, and there has been clear-cut response to them.
  10. Always consider compromise.
  11. Remember: Another person's viewpoint is just as real to them as yours is to you, even though you may differ.
  12. Never believe that you know what the another person is thinking until you ask him in plain language.
  13. Do not assume or predict how another person will react, what he will accept or reject.
  14. Do not correct another person's description of his own feelings. Do not try to tell another what he should know or do or feel.
  15. Sarcasm is dirty fighting.
  16. Never put labels on a person while fighting. For example, do not call him a coward or a child. If you really believe that he was so hopelessly flawed, you probably would not be with him.
  17. Do not make sweeping, labeling judgments about another persons feelings, especially about whether or not they are real or important.
All and all though I suppose when I finally do start talking in there I will be able to get some things off my chest. So we will see what happens next week. Well I would go on but I am sleepy now so we will see.


Friday, August 29, 2008

The best Good Will Hunting scene ever...



I don't care who you are I just love the line where he tells the Harvard Guy that he just wasted $150,000 on an education that he could have gotten for $1.50 at the public library. Soooo Classic and so true. Education isn't expensive it is the dream of education that is expensive. True genius starts with inquiry and as long as inquiry is alive then learning can take place. And then there is the scene that reminds me of what I have been going through for weeks on end. Look at Minnie's face when he says "I don't love you" capture that moment and you will know how I have been feeling since I left the states and went back to Bahrain in April. Her face at that moment sums up what I have been feeling on so many days.

It comes in at minute 3:50 that emotion, that reality of futility, that pain, the realization of hopes crushed and shattered. That is what this has been like for the last 5 months over and over on rewind. And rewind. Check it out.

When the Kunta Kente band comes off...

The prospects of this thing are incredible. I can go to work and come home and anything outside of that has to be put on the schedule at least 72 hours in advance. So that is the case House Arrest. So many things I would love to do with my days other than sit at home studying, blogging or helping my Mom.

So when I get this thing off my foot here are the things that I intend to do.

1. Lift my hands and give thanks to Allah.

2. Go to the Masjid and pray in the front rows as often as I can.

3. Pray Taraweeh if it comes off before the end of Ramadan.

4. Hopefully get to see my kids even if under supervision.

5. Go to the West Coast and catch a sunset.

6. Go to the beach and put my feet in the sand.

7. Catch a movie.

8. Go out to dinner.

9. Go and visit my Dad.

10. Take a vacation just so that I can go.

11. Go to all of the places that I have to so that I can do my job.

12. Go shop endlessly at Tiger Direct (a huge computer store)

13. Visit my family.

14. Visit my aunt in the nursing home.

15. Volunteer at the Masjid or Habitat for humanity.

16. Get a second job.

17. Go to work early and watch the sunrise.

18. Visit friends.

19. Go to Starbucks at 12am with my laptop.

20. Be at peace.

21. Chill.

If I were to ever get married again I would make it a point to get my wife out of the house even if I had 50 kids at home just so that she could have a break. Bowling is always fun, but a romantic walk along the beach is good too. I will put my sunset pictures on here when I can finally get out. Oh Allah increase me in patience and let those who see my trials be inspired.

I miss my kids very much. They are such characters. Mina my advocate, Pipi Longstockings probably describes her best. You have to watch that movie. I can't wait for the Bath, Books and Bed routine. I so look forward to being with them all. Niama my "little fat baby" She's not that little and fat anymore but she will always be my baby. Always wiggling, moving constantly I look forward to holding her and snuggling her nose and squeezing her. She's so cute. And then there's E.B, Ibrahim is the name but they got into calling him E.B so it is kind of weird. Actually E.B is my father's initials. His middle name is my Dad's first name. So I look forward to seeing them again. We will go straight to the park, and then climb the big hill at the end. If we would get snow it would be a great hill to go sledding. Alhamdulillah I am so blessed and Insha Allah these trials too shall pass. And this too shall pass.

Looking at it lightly

I don’t know, as bad as this situation is I had to go to despair.com to just add some levity to all of this nonsense. So I picked out a few pics.


Cause Allah knows that I have done everything imaginable to save this situation.

Then I think sometimes I just have to take a hint from Allah in this and so I came across this one.


And Lastly looking at my desire for polygamy and how that desire influenced this whole situation.


Brothers Don’t let this happen to you!!


Sometimes it gets so bad that you really can't do anything but laugh that it is actually so bad. Laugh and take refuge in Allah for afia. That and take advantage of the fact that you are oppressed and pray for everyone. So all of you since apparently my duas are at the front of the cue if you have anything that you would like me to make a dua about please let me know and I will do my best to contribute immediately.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

The Bleak reality of the justice system...

The reality is this isn't going to be over tomorrow, not next week, not next month it is going to be like I said December sometime. There are somethings that can be done however not until after the 10th of September. NOTHING can happen until then that is where the court reads my plea of not guilty and THEN after that they can start fiddling around to be placed on the calendar and then the disclosure and then possibly a trial date and it just so happens that Broward county is notorious for dragging their feet in Domestic Violence cases. So this Kunta Kente band is going to be with me for a while. I will probably mean that I will be so relieved when it comes off.

From my research there are only two real things that can help me as far as the criminal stuff goes and that is my wife files a Waiver of Prosecution and not show up to court. Those are pretty much the only things that can help me with this case, besides Allah Subhannahu Wa Ta'ala. Why do we always say that backwards. Allahuma Ateeni Ahsan Makhraj. Insha Allah. So by sluggishness of the courts I will be wearing my band for a while. Also IF after the arraignment on the 10th I do manage to get this thing off the no contact order remains in effect until the case is dismissed so I still can't have contact with her. The only way that I can see my children before this is all over is if my wife petitions the State Attorney's office and somehow I get allowed supervised visitation for a couple of moments.

Wow so it is what it is. So it is me and the 4 walls the Kunta Kente band and my Mom. So I will be alone this weekend because my MOM is going out of town oh no. I think the standard answer for that will be she said that she would be back at any moment so that I can save myself from any crazy roommate drama. That is a whole nother story. No sunsets for me. Hopefully as sunrise creeps earlier and earlier I can go out and catch some morning rays before heading in to work.

Oy Vey this is a test of wills. So if she wants she can grab her lawyer and press for all she wants. So I am up for a brand new situation of life here. Single celibate and I suppose being celibate is kind of like being married to someone that Allah hasn't delivered to you yet. I made tauba so re-marriage, marriage or celibacy are my only real options. I pray when marriage rolls around again I will be ready and I will not make the same mistakes I have made in my life and I pray that we are all happy whether Sakinah and I get back together or not.

I believe that Allah is keeping me from Sakinah because I tried to reconcile. I tried to forget and overlook, make excuses for, deny, obscure the facts and reality, put my head in the sand, be optimistic, think positive and daydream however due to different circumstances beyond my control reconciliation has eluded us at every turn. It just has and the only thing I have been able to do is be patient. Allah has now forcibly removed me from her and or any contact with her. Period. So this is a time to reflect and regather myself and refocus my energies, pick up the pieces of my heart and place them on ice and prepare for surgery. I understand that life moves on and that is just the way that it is. I just have to realize that I am going to be ok and whether I get my kids, we manage to reconcile, or not I am going to be ok and I have a purpose and whatever Allah wills is what is going to happen.

I will not be out of the system at least for almost a whole year. Wow man you really have to get motivated to accomplish your dreams and goals, cause you won't be having your kids. I should have put in to go to college but I have no excuse to get that real estate license though. Well life trolls along. I will be praying Taraweeh at home it seems. Oh Allah grant me Afia and make the most beautiful come out of this trial. I will bear it Oh Allah do not place on me a burden that is greater than I can bear.

I pray my Duas on all of you, I send my dua for everyone who has had to bear trials and tribulations. May this trial be a witness to those who will come after me, may all of us hear who have spoken and who have viewed be elevated In Deen. Ameen.

For the record...

Holding the tongue is difficult at best when emotions are charged, but I will continue to do so Insha Allah. I was going to ramble on about other specifics of the day in question, but I will shorten it to this. My only intention was to pick up the kids and leave, had I found outfits for the kids I would have left the bin, but time was getting late and I didn't want to stay and talk. Allah knows I had ample time 2 hours in fact, procrastination prevented me from looking for the clothes until the last minute. I just wanted to leave her the note and go. I couldn't leave earlier because she had the car seats and her front door doesn't lock without a key, otherwise we would have only met in passing.

The camel's back was broken, but even in this there was a chance at reconciliation. The rest of the details I will continue to hold my tongue over.

Allah made this what it is for reasons that I have no comprehension of. I am certain that it will all turn out for the best. Regardless of what happens from this point.I and Allah know that I tried to reconcile but the more I tried the more it became evident that He was going to stop any chances of it. So I am out of it. If she decides to take full custody. Allah will work it out. If she presses charges. Allah will work it out. If I have to go back to jail until the trial. Allah will work it out. If we get back together, Allah will work it out. What is happening now is out of my hands. I have placed the affair with Allah and I am asking for patience and elevation of Emaan.



AsSalaamu A'laikum

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Two Sides

There are two sides to every story as we have been over in the past and I can say that coming from my wife's blog I am somewhat puzzled and I am probably somewhat to blame. The last conversation that I know of was not concreted and then there is the issue of trust that is completely broken. So without trust I can understand why I said the things that I did it could have went the other way, but because there is a no contact situation. I am not going to openly admit talking to her ever. I have spent enough time in Jail and these Anger Management Classes that I have to go to for the next half a year are no happy sacrifice either, but it is what it is. You take it in stride and perhaps I will be a better person or do some Dawah while I am there. Insha Allah.

For those who are trying to be impartial looking at the situation you must keep in mind that I am not telling my side of the story. It is not a side that would be beneficial to air publicly either for reconciliation or just Deen in general. Hers or mine so I am doing my best to keep my mouth shut.

About the betrayal that she is talking about there was none, nor was there any mention of her contacting me at all. What was said was a child who didn't know the scoop had tried to contact me and when I called the police freshly out of jail and displeased at the time with high emotions I was told that it was one way by officer #809 of the Miami Gardens Police department. They could contact me but I couldn't contact them. I was promptly told by my Pre-Trial officer that was not that case and I was on the precipice of going to jail, again if contact was indeed made. What she called my wife and told her after that I have no knowledge of.

I made promises to her in which I tend to keep. What she decides to do at this point is entirely up to her. I suppose that is where TRUST comes in.

Comment Wars

Enough!!

This is a very traumatic time for Sakinah and I and personally any other time I would probably stir the pot however at this point in time I really don't want to see good friends start quarrelling as well. So please desist I am working my way out of depression please don't slide me back into it.

There are two sides to every story I think that we have established that as a fact. If you will read my blog I do not believe you will find any accusations or name calling or defamations of character coming from my side. If you happen to find any that I have over looked I will promptly apologize for them and or delete them all together. I have let her tell her side I have refrained and will continue to refrain from telling my side to any depth of the matter. I wish to cover the faults of the Muslims in hopes that someday my faults will be covered.

I appreciate all of your concern, however Ramadan is quickly approaching us and we must mind our tongues and increase our dua. For those who will give I appreciate it and for those who don't have the wherewithal to give WE would appreciate your dua. I don't know what the future holds but I have faith that Allah will make the best of this situation. If you wish to give but want to remain impartial we are still in a $2k deficit on bills. They are coming either way and it all needs to get paid.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Dismissed!!!

The TRO was dismissed because she didn't show Alhamdulillah. We can't talk so I can only hope that things will get better from here. Insha Allah the next date is the 10th of September so I have to focus and keep working towards that as a goal. Throw myself into work and get as much done as possible. My Mom says that I need to become goal oriented to deal with my depression. In my first marriage I made it a mental note not to get depressed, but since I lost my kids it has been a challenge. I have goals that I want to do while I am here and Insha Allah I just need to get them done. I think I will probably start to list some here. Today went well and it is still not over.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

I need the Duas

I go to court tomorrow for the TRO. Sakinah will be there with bells on to tell them how horrible a person I was, Whatever... I am not going to worry about it. If I lose my kids then I'll take a vacation. Maybe even sign back up for Bahrain who knows. I liked it over there. Very peaceful. Oh what I started this for is that I need your Duas and I am not asking you to be partial only that what is true come out and that What is just be done. I will leave it at that. You of course are free to make dua for what you wish. I just know that I need them more than your money right now.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

This is the one I was looking for...



ANI DIFRANCO LYRICS



"Done Wrong"

the wind is ruthless
the trees shake angry fingers at the sky
the people hunch their shoulders
hold their collars over their earsand run by
it's a cold rain
it's a hard rain
like the kind that you find in songs
i guess that makes methe jerk with the heartache
here to sing youabout how i've been done wrong

and i am sitting, watching
out the window of the coffee shop
and i am waiting, waiting
waiting for it to let up
i am rocking like a cradle
warming my hands with the cup in between
i am leaning over the table
holding my face over the steam

and before it gets so cold
that the rain turns to snow
there's just a couple things
i'd like to know

like how could you do nothing
and say, i'm doing my best
how could you take almost everything
and then come back for the rest
how could you beg me to stay,
reach out your hands and plead
and then pack up your eyes and run away
as soon as i agreed

it just all slips
away so slowly
you don't even notice till you've lost a lot
i've been like one of those zombies
in vegas
pouring quarters into a slot
and now i'm tired
and i am broke
and i feel stupid and i feel used
and i'm at the end of my little rope
and i am swinging back and forth
about you

before it gets so cold
that the rain turns to snow
there's just a couple things
i'd like to know

like how could you do nothing
and say, i'm doing my best
how could you take almost everything
and then come back for the rest
how could you beg me to stay,
reach out your hands and plead
and then pack up your eyes and run away
as soon as i agreed

Both Hands and this is how I feel

ANI DIFRANCO LYRICS


"Both Hands"

I am walking
out in the rain
and I am listening to the low moan
of the dial tone again
and I am getting
nowhere with you
and I can't let it go
and I can't get through...
the old woman behind the pink curtains
and the closed door
on the first floor
she's listening through the air shaft
to see how long our swan song can last
and both hands
now use both hands
oh, no don't close your eyes
I am writing
graffitti on your body
I am drawing the story of
how hard we tried
I am watching your chest rise and fall
like the tides of my life,
and the rest of it all
and your bones have been my bedframe
and your flesh has been my pillow
I am waiting for sleep
to offer up the deep
with both hands
in eachother's shadows we grew less and less tall
and eventually our theories couldn't explain it all
and I'm recording our history now on the bedroom wall
and when we leave the landlord will come
and paint over it all
and I am walking
out in the rain
and I am listening to the low moan of the dial tone again
and I am getting nowhere with you
and I can't let it go
and I can't get though
So now use both hands
please use both hands
oh, no don't close your eyes
I am writing graffitti on your body
I am drawing the story of how hard we tried
hard we tried
how hard we tried


[Thanks to applejoose@go.com for correcting these lyrics]

Your Name is TOBY!!!!


Living with this Kunta Kente band on my foot is no fun. Even if my wife doesn't want to press charges the state will still seek to prosecute. The only way I have a fighting chance is if she doesn't show but I think she has every intention of doing so, but we will see. I get a two hour pass at 12 noon to go shopping. I should have told the case worker that I go to service on Sunday so that I could go to some kind of study session if a Masjid had one somewhere. While I am out I will go check. Then I will update my schedule. My lawyer hasn't called me back at all and I am due in court on Monday. I don't know if he is going to represent me for the TRO as it is a separate issue so I can only hope that she doesn't show up for that either, but again we will see. The thing about life is that it goes on whether you are happy or not. Don't comment on my rusty dusty feet I know they are that way. The band gets in the way of Salaat sometimes but since I don't go many places anyway it is not that big of a bother.

If you are unfamiliar with the title of this post it comes from the movie Roots when they are trying to break Kunta Kente and whipping him savagely because he will not accept the slave master imposed name of Toby. After much beating he finally succumbed, but it was only after they cut off his foot that he stopped running for his freedom and he finally died. He was a Muslim. My trials aren't anywhere near that hard and I thank Allah for that, Alhamdulillah. My kids are in the same state and if this case isn't dropped I hope to see them sometime in December. I have my family and my spirits, and I have people who love me, so I am good.
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Simple Pleasures


On lock down there are only so many pleasures that you can just sit back and enjoy. For me this is one of them Vernors the original ginger Soda. I haven't had one of them in over 20 years and then I came back to Miami and now here I am back in love again. Let me just tell you that they are delicious and refreshing. They are extremely hard to find, but if you can try one you will like it.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Analyzing Comments

There are some comments that spark your interest so that you look deeper into them. On my blog I have two that stand out in particular. One left awhile ago that accused me of being addicted to sex and the other left yesterday on my "Please Stop the Torture... Please!!??!! Post that claimed that I was addicted to love. So I have reflected on these two comments today and I am turning them over in my head. Do they have any validity, what is my problem and how does it all work in the grand scheme of things?

So I look at the first one Addicted to Sex and I have to disagree. Although I love sex quite a bit I am not addicted to it in the framework of it decides my every action. I live at home with my Mom and over the years it has become a sort of residence for mentally disturbed girls she takes them in and she helps them the best that she can to become more and more self-sufficient. This one girl that is staying with her is a little off. Every time my mother is away she completely flips the script and the little church girl becomes hoochfestzilla. The other day she tried to grab my Johnson and she is always EXPLICITLY talking about sex. She has dropped every hint in the book that she wants to get it on and frankly if I was addicted to sex I would have done so already with her being crazy or not. I have seen people who are addicted to sex and they will screw anything breathing. NO that is definitely not me. She keeps asking me when my Mom is coming home and laughing and what not, sorry thank you but no thank you. No I like sex a lot, but I need to be in a committed relationship, there has to be trust, there has to be love. Unfortunately I learned the hard way that I want nothing to do with one night stands, or booty calls, nor old girlfriends waiting in the wings. The guilt that comes after is unbearable. No I am a marriage only kind of guy. Now once married it is an entirely different story that wife had better just prepare herself for a life of very healthy and continuous great sex because I am committed to the job until I get it right, or pass out from trying. So I guess that answer is partially correct a faithful nymphomaniac I guess would describe me correctly. When my wife’s friends came over I would get aroused but the effects of that arousal were all directed only to my wife. If I even talked to a sister at all, normally I would just go to my room when sisters came over and would come out when they left. So even if there were women around my wife would receive all of the benefits. So that is how I am. When I am married I don’t take matters into my own hands and nor do I watch porn at all. It is all for my wife when I am married. So I would have to say that is not my problem.

About being Addicted to Love. The type of love that they accuse me of being addicted to is puppy love looking at the way that they describe it. People do get Addicted to the newness of love and fall for that new love feeling. I don’t do that. When I look at Sakinah I love her just like the first day that I saw her and I have seen her at her best and at her worst. I have seen her happy and I have seen her sad, ugly and cute and it has not affected the way that I feel for her one bit. Even now in love and at war with everything that she has done to me and everything that I have done to her I still love her like nobody’s business. In contrast to other relationships that I have been in where I could care less when it came time to break up it was splitsville. So no I don’t think that it is that I am addicted to love, cause if that were the case I would have went through the same stuff in my first marriage but I didn’t. I think we were together longer so that you have a frame of reference. 7 years I think it was. So no I don’t think that is what it was.

What would probably be truer is that I am addicted to female attention. That is not entirely true though because I don’t sneak around and talk to as many women as possible, and when I have the opportunity to hang around in women’s faces I don’t really jump at the chance to do so unless the topic of conversation is really interesting then it is all about the intellectual aspect of it and not sex nor love. However any man would be vulnerable to this period, just as any woman would so even that doesn’t really stand out. Sexually I have expressed a desire to be with more than one woman either together or separate. When I had two girlfriends I did enjoy it very much, but the context of that relationship came at a time preceding my tauba so I can’t really revel in that. Had I been married to both of them I think I would have been able to keep them both happy, but one was a Mormon and I wasn’t in the frame of mind where I was going to try to convert someone and the other one her father forbade us getting married so the relationships weren’t really able to go anywhere. Under different circumstances I would have just married the both of them and been through with it. To be honest now that my marriage is over I can say that I miss both of them or the relationship, not necessarily them in particular, however while I was married to Sakinah the polygamy thing didn’t come out of yearning to embark on to polygamy. Polygamy has just been my safe place in the fantasy land of Muhammad. It never really had to exist it could have or it may not have and I would have been just fine thinking about it just like guys around the world think about Angelina Jolie or any other woman of the eye. They think about her and would love to romp with her, but if they never meet her then they are perfectly fine and that is where I was with polygamy. Now however it may be something that I may want to prove to myself, but I may have to cross that bridge when and if I get to it. That however will be decided when and IF I ever decide to get married again. I will take the advice of letting the girl know up front though. Hey I love you but I may want to add another wife on in the future after all of the blood, sweat and tears. That at least would be fair. It keeps coming up so I may as well come out of the closet about it right up front and be real about it. It has been a desire for a long time and I don’t really think it is going away any time soon so I may as well tell it like it is.

Well that was a nice little self introspection. Thanks for your comments and keep them coming.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Please Stop the Torture... Please!!??!!


Looking through recent pictures I had a breakdown. Will the crying ever end good God man. I know what the problem is. I haven't refocused myself into anything else in life. I need to get out there and do something, become something, experience something. I plan on going to counseling after this. Allah knows that I need it. What is love and why doesn't it turn off when it is over. Why does it keep going back to the memories of what is life. Like a familiar house.

This was the first movie that we ever saw. I didn't have a television so we watched it on my computer. We were all cuddled up on my couch and we watched it and cuddled and fell asleep. How I will miss her in my arms. How I will miss her hair. God this sucks, I don't see this ending anytime soon. Even if I get married or run a way to a secluded Sufi camp I am going to keep on loving that little girl. Wow I am wound around her. You all have no idea how difficult this is for me. What will future relationships hold I can only guess. Right now though I have no idea what to do with my thoughts. I pray for her at night at Qiyyam time and I know that I have to move on, but I am so stuck in her, and Allah knows that there is a reason for everything. Now I feel like one of those stupid people that get their hearts trampled on, but they keep going back for more. Yeah I need counseling, because she is my blood and I am dying over here...dying.

My heart doesn't care at all. It doesn't care about the false charges and the time spent in jail. It doesn't care about the Kunta Kente band around my foot. It doesn't care about the house arrest. It doesn't care about not being able to see my kids and being treated like a common criminal. What kind of punk am I for loving her like this. The divorce is going forward regardless of my situation. I will probably have nothing after it is over, completely broke and starting over from scratch, but my heart doesn't care it just loves her. That is all that it knows how to do. PHUCK!!!

Help Allah please help me through this. I have never loved this hard. I have never given myself so completely. I have never in my life loved this deeply. Now I have to redefine myself from scratch. I have to face my prejudices. I have to move out of my comfort zone. I have to get off my ass. Oh Allah help me to be the person you intend for me to be.

Oh Allah show me the reason, give me peace, expand my breast, and let not this pain be in vain. Bless her and elevate her through this trial and increase her faith. Give me wisdom and resolve and let me grow in this Deen and reach tranquility. Oh Allah ease my pain and give me rest. Ameen.