Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Rape Situational awareness

Hello all,

My wife is working in the ER and she has treated for the second time in two weeks a woman who has been raped by an HIV infected individual, so I want to get the word out for my blogging readers rapes happen even though they may not appear on the news. There may be several reasons that rapes dont appear on the news in your town. One primary good reason is details of the case make it easy for copy-catters to camouflage their activity by mimicking some other rapist’s Modus operandi. Here are some rape awareness tips that are included below and I ask you to share them with your families. Thank you.

Rape is about power not sex and for the most part has nothing to do with how desirable you may or may not be. Age and sex are not major factors that rapist look at. A male can and do get raped just as much as a female, children and elderly get raped as well. It is primarily an ambush type of crime. What is not addressed in this how to is close associate rape. Close associate rape or date rape as it is more commonly called depends usually on guilt and ambiguity of circumstances that enable the rape to occur. To a lesser extent they may or may not be intentional. However they still count as rape and get to the base of NO means NO. If you find yourself in such a situation diffuse the situation by calling a friend to join you. To prevent yourself from the situation guaranteed just adhere to Islamic principles of male/ female relationships and I can almost guarantee you that you wont get raped unless it is by a sibling or guardian. Then that would be another issue.

Protect yourself at home

1.      Keep entrances well lit.  If normal lighting is not functioning in an entryway, approach with extreme caution.  It is not uncommon for a criminal to remove, unscrew, or break bulbs in entryways.

2.      Check the identification of any sales or service persons before letting them in.  Ask for a photo ID.  If you have any doubts phone the company for verification.

3.      Equip your home with peepholes, dead bolts, and chain locks.  If you have a child, add a second peephole at their eye level.

4.      Never give the impression that you are at home alone if strangers telephone or come to your door.   Advise your children to do the same.

5.      Beware of potential hiding places and avoid them.

6.      Keep outside bushes and shrubbery trimmed. Overgrown bushes and trees often provide excellent hiding places for criminals.

7.      Plant defensive shrubbery around your home, especially beneath windows. Bushes that feature thorns, such as bougainvillea, or stiff, spiky leaves are not good hiding places for criminals.

8.      If you come home and find a door or window open or signs of forced entry, do not go in. Go to the nearest phone and call the police.

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Protect yourself in your automobile

1.      Keep your car in good working order and gas tank at least half full. Make a practice of filling up your vehicle during the daylight hours. Never let it get so low that you are forced to stop for fuel, particularly at night in an area with which you are unfamiliar.

2.      Always have your keys out and ready before leaving a building to approach your car. Fumbling through your purse for keys after you've reached your car provides criminals with an opportunity to sneak up on you.

3.      Look around and in your car before entering. If you are concerned for any reason, simply walk past your car instead of getting into it.

4.      Lock your car door immediately after entering the vehicle. Make this your first action - even before putting the key into the ignition.

5.      When stopped in traffic keeps doors locked as usual and leave yourself enough distance from the vehicle in front of you should a criminal attempt to walk alongside your vehicle and gain entry or attack you.

6.      Park in well lighted areas and lock the doors, even if you'll be gone a short time. Check your surroundings before getting out of your car. If something or someone strikes you as out of place or threatening, drive away.

7.      When you return to your car, have the key ready and check the front and rear seats and floors before getting in.

8.      If you are accosted in a parking lot, away from your own vehicle, consider rolling underneath a nearby auto. It is difficult to force anyone out from under a car.

9.      If an attacker does manage to get into your car while you are in it, do everything in your power to exit the automobile.  If you are still behind the wheel, steer your vehicle into a barricade, a pole, a wall -- any object that will create a minor accident.  Take advantage while your attacker's attention has been diverted and exit the automobile.   Run, yell, scream.  Attract attention.

10.     Don't stop to assist a stranger whose car has broken down. Instead, help by driving to the nearest phone and calling police to help.

11.     If you get a flat tire, drive carefully on it until you reach a safe, well lighted and well traveled area.  If necessary, better to ruin a tire than gamble with your safety.

12.     If you are involved in an accident, stay in your car until police arrive. In minor accidents where the other driver suggests you exchange insurance information, simply hold up your driver license and insurance card against the window.

13.     If you are being followed, don't drive home. Go to the nearest police or fire station and honk your horn. If that is not possible, drive to an open gas station or other business where you can safely call the police. DO NOT leave your car unless you are certain you can get inside the building safely. Try to obtain the license plate number and description of the car following you.

14.     If possible, have a cellular phone in your car for use in emergencies.

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Protect yourself while walking or jogging

1.      Always be alert to your surroundings and the people around you. Walk confidently and at a steady pace.

2.      When on the street, walk facing oncoming traffic. A person walking with traffic can be followed, forced into a car, and abducted more easily than a person walking against traffic.

3.      Walk close to the curb or on the sidewalk. Avoid doorways, bushes, and alleys.

4.      Don't walk alone at night and always avoid areas where there are few people.

5.      Be careful when people stop you for directions. Always reply from a distance, and never go too close to the car. Stay far enough away from the car that you can turn and run easily. An alternative is to simply state, "I don't know" and keep walking.

6.      If you feel you are being followed, walk to a well populated area.

7.      If you are in trouble, attract help any way you can. Scream, blow a whistle or yell for help.

8.      Trust your instincts. If a particular place, person, or group of persons make you feel uneasy, go a different direction, do not approach.

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Protect yourself from date rape drugs

1.      Never leave a drink unattended. NEVER.

2.      Do not accept a drink from anyone you would not "put your life into their hands." Remember, any stranger or casual acquaintance could be suspect. Even those people who are mixing or pouring drinks.)

3.      If you are feeling sick or dizzy while out socially, go to someone you KNOW and TRUST. If there is no person you can talk to about your condition, call someone on the phone. Never leave alone. NEVER. (The intent of date rape drugs is to get you isolated and then to assault you.)

4.      If you think you have been drugged and cannot tell or call someone, call 911. A blood sample can be collected and appropriate tests run.

5.      Remember, alcohol greatly increases the effects of these drugs. The mixture could be lethal.

Why Rohypnol, GHB and Ketamine are used in Date Rapes:

1.      They are easy to administer. (Stir and dissolve)

2.      When victims feel the effects, they often leave and are caught alone and vulnerable.

3.      If victims 'come to' during an assault, the drugs render them totally helpless and unable to do anything.

4.      When victims are raped, they doubt their experience because of the impaired memory of it.

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If You Are Attacked

There is no single strategy that always works, so remember these tips:

1.      Keep your head. Stay as calm as possible, think rationally and evaluate your resources and options.

2.      It may be more advisable to submit than to resist. You will have to make this decision based on the circumstances. Be especially careful if the attacker has a weapon.

3.      Keep assessing the situation as it is happening. If one strategy does not work, try another. Possible options, in addition to non-resistance, are negotiating, stalling for time, distracting the assailant and fleeing to a safe place, verbal assertiveness, screaming to attract attention and physical resistance.

4.      Stay alert and observant so that you can better describe the attacker and the assault to the police.

5.      If forced to get into a vehicle, your life is in danger, so resist at all cost. Attract attention, cause a disturbance or try to disable your suspect, but DO NOT get into the vehicle. Scream, gouge his eyes, kick or knee him in the groin, stomp on his feet, use your elbows. Fight like you never have before. This is the fight for YOUR life and it could become your last one.

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General Security Tips

1.      Always let someone know where you are and where you may be going. You should report all unusual stalking or following of you by any suspicious persons.

2.      Maintain your personal space. Stay alert! If a person moves inside your comfort zone, move away. If that person persists, run.

3.      Be alert when leaving stores or shopping malls. This is a time when criminals know you are carrying cash, checkbooks, credit cards, or valuable merchandise.

4.      Don't use outside ATMs at night, or in unfamiliar or unsafe surroundings. This is another time when criminals know you are carrying cash.

5.      Avoid filling your arms with packages. You might have to make more trips, but keep one arm and hand free whenever possible.

6.      When friends drop you off at home or work, ask them to wait until you are safely inside before leaving. Extend this courtesy to your own friends when driving them to a destination.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Down with se7en on to Eight




Yes the 21st was a very hard day you recognize the problem, you find out a solution for the problem and then you try to implement it. However to do this fully you must truly be disciplined or completely ambivalent. So the solution is you can't talk to me except about the children or business. Simple enough right? Right, but it only lasted a few days until something else happened that caused me to transcend this whole nonsense and look at it for what it truly is. Bullshit.

So after you get to the point of clarity then you have to begin to look at other certain issues from the essence and the essence of this situation is insecurity. Insecurity: an endless black hole of constant searching for validation, a constant searching for reassurance followed by a hollow shell of person void of self. It makes no sense but looking at everything in context it all makes perfect sense. The irrational logic, the constant validation, the unending copycat one-up-man ship that is shear madness finally comes into context as you helplessly watch the one you love flailing in their bed of misery. Like watching a crack-head walking like a zombie for a next fix and constantly in pockets.

Looking at this on the other side of the mirror I can see everything in the background. The things that weren't seen and I can watch the process in action. I can see the innocent lined-up and set, sized and filleted. Like a deer in headlights he is transfixed on the tracks and before he will know what is happening he will be split apart by the deafening sound of inevitability, discarded and buried in a well of despair. You really can't say what comes around goes around because that happens on the daily and it is a hell that the actors are trapped in.

I apologize for saying much and not saying anything at all in the guise of diplomacy. In the post to come things will be clearer. However it is best left unsaid. I on the other-hand am doing just fine and now that there are no rose colored glasses to deal with I can see clearly. Clear sight is a blessing from the Most High and it soothes the soul.

There are a whole lot more reflections that I have and maybe a couple of polls. Emptiness is a horrible condition.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Fighting depression Again

The fight took everything out of me. This happens every month around this time of hers. I suppose she starts feeling a little regret with all the hormones and stuff, but she will be back to normal in a couple of days. Good Lord though it took everything out of me. I want to run, just get in my car and go. I can't do it, my heart can't take it. Damn it. Those tears were gone, I had buried them where is my stone. The stone that has become my heart. The barren wasteland of me. Leave me alone and just go and live your life in the heart of luxury and leave me be.

Nothing just nothing. I mourn my loss, my marriage, my love, my children, my family all lost to foolishness.

Where can I go. I need to leave, there must be an escape somewhere. I have my Salaat and the sky is still blue, and the flowers are still in bloom. My children still love me.

Please just leave me alone and go away.

Who am I kidding!!

I had a policy and that was to keep as far away from her as possible and if I had kept to it, I'm sure eventually it would work flawlessly. However it started yesterday or day before, she called and she started in with the regret. I stood my ground and stated that if she wanted to keep the marriage then we could work at it and if she didn't then Alhamdulillah it is over. So then I quickly discovered as it spilled over into the next morning and finishing up today that as long as we don't talk about the events that transpired up until our divorce we are fine. We can talk about the kids just fine and antiseptic like and we can talk about anything else the same way, but if we start talking about the b.s. that led up to our divorce all of those unfinished feelings come rushing back in and boom. Good Grief!!

So here it is a year later and it is still the same crap. You hurt me with the polygamy, you hurt me with the thing that you did, well you started it, well you finished it and kept it going. Then that is where it escalates. I say that I would be willing to work it out and she says yeah but I didn't like the way you said it and blah blah blah. Sometimes you just have to let it go. She has chosen another contractual obligation path that she isn't willing to trash to keep our family and I'm tired of the B.S. So it is just apparent that our family is going to end. I think what really pisses me off is that my whole life is ending and changing over a series of horrible decisions and the inflexibility caused by the pain inflicted to both parties. She emphasizes her pain and I tell her that she isn't the only one in this relationship and obviously not the only one hurting then she says it is not my fault you started it blah, blah, blah. Whatever.

After one of those conversations the last thing you want to do is entertain another relationship. Like why in the world would I post a marriage ad up when I know good and damned well I am not ready for a relationship. Good Grief!!

At the end of the day I will believe what I believe and she will believe what she will believe and I will have my reasons why it ended and she will have her reasons why it ended and we will tailor them so that each of us has a perfect excuse why we couldn't go on, then we will become happy with that reason and after that we will forget about it all and it will all become irrelevant as we sink into a rhythm of visitation and weekend logistics. Swapping child seats, and weekend instructions will become the norm and as the antiseptic exchanges that we are becoming used to will relax into cordial goodbyes. Hopefully as we move on to bring other romances into our lives we will be able to look back and smile on the beautiful marriage we had and cherish it for what it was and respect each other for the people we are. I still love her but that is irrelevant now, she still loves me but her fear and insecurity prohibit her from acting on it. My pain prevents me from showing softness and tenderness towards her although in truth it hasn't left my heart, but my pain won't allow me to show it on the regular. So there you have it. Divorce.

I think I will take my ad down when I get home or maybe I will just alter it to reflect what I am really looking for. Peace.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Careful as she goes

So I've made that crucial first step as prudently as possible. I've said I'm available, but actually there is a ton of stuff that I have to get in order before I can make space in my life for someone else. So it is what it is. Whatever I have so much other things to think and worry about other than a love life that I only marginally want at this point. You know cause I have to be deeply scrupulous in deciding my next wife because I am the marrying type and if I do get married I will try my best to make it work, but I would do that even if the person were wrong for me. So I could possibly wind up in a relationship for years that is just toxic because I believe so much in making it all work. I am so not looking forward to this. Maybe I will just work enjoy life and then people who are doing the same will be attracted to me just because of me.

Moving on, I've been craving some good live Jazz so tonight the only night this week I have to myself I am going out to find some. Hopefully it won't be a smoke filled lounge. That is one thing I loved about California they banned smoking indoors. So if you did go out to a club you wouldn't have to worry about it, worked great for restaurants too.

Old vs. New

I talked at length with an old friend last night whose situation is very similar to mine sans the police drama but drama nonetheless and we were exchanging notes on how difficult it is to bring this marriage thing back together. After several years of marriage the new guy or girl has a significant advantage over you. They are NEW!! As the old hat in the relationship there are certain protocols that you believe are in place, such as telling the truth and your true feelings. Your wife asks a question and you feel free to dispense with the standard B.S and give it to her straight, which is not always received in the best light. It is however the truth.

The new guy or girl is going to LIE to put it bluntly. They aren't going to call you out on your dirt, they are going to paint a rosy picture of how things should be and could be, but that is all B.S.

After several years of marriage to expect a honeymoon romance with your significant other is not unrealistic, but after a marriage has been tried and tested the period in the middle, or shortly after the test a honeymoon is more difficult to realize. After the test has gone and become a memory then I'm sure that it would be a whole lot easier to find.

Then that gets to forgiveness.

Forgiveness is typically defined as the process of ceasing to feel resentment, indignation or anger for a perceived offense, difference or mistake, and ceasing to demand punishment or restitution...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Forgiveness

So I ask myself the question; have I forgiven her? I think the big one is right there in the front. When I don't think about it then yes, but in those moments of solitude and reflection it all comes rushing back in and I wrestle with it, ACTIVELY. I told her that it would be easier to deal with if she moved in with me, but she's not so it is easier to swing the other way I suppose, because there is more silence and time to reflect on the wrongs done. I don't hold it against her, because it is really between her and Allah and has very little to do with me. I try to focus on that as a singular thought. It is not personal whatever happened is between me and Allah and has very little to do with her at all.

Old post, never posted. It is a mute point now, but it was my thoughts back then.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Alvin Ailey American Dance Theater

This last Friday I spent the evening with two beautiful young girls (my daughters) and may Allah bless my Mom she is truly why I love cultural events museums and artsy stuff like that. The girls enjoyed it although I think that it was a little too late for the 4 year old. She never stops moving, I think she has an extra special dose of A.D.D. She literally never stops moving.

In between the constant squirming and kicking of seats I had enjoyed an incredible performance by Alvin Ailey's Dance group. It was the most powerful expression of dance I have ever seen. Next time I will remember to bring my ballet binoculars. The Adrianne Arscht Theater is beautifully laid out even though we had nose bleed seats we were able to see everything and I think that if I were able to choose seating I wouldn't want to be all the way up front because then you are like too close. It was an awesome experience though I can't tell you how much I enjoyed it.

It was a compilation of his works and at the end they did Revelations and it was truly riveting. I give them a huge hurrah for their performance. It was my first time seeing "Professional" Dance and like golf it is something that can only be appreciated in person. At least by me, the television doesn't provide the same feel and it is so sans-life. Getting out and living life is what life is all about. There are multiple benefits of life without television, hold on I'm getting off topic.

This is the first live big production Dance recital I have seen and the first thing I appreciated was the choreography. The visually stunning imagery of synchronized motions was beautiful. The expressions of lovers and relationships through dance I thought was particularly interesting. How it was expressed through powerful motion was exceptionally interesting. I can't name all of the pieces that they performed so as an untrained viewer each piece ran together with an intermission between the first set and the Revelations set, but they were all awesome. Very much worth it.

The strength of the men was very apparent through the articulation of movements and how they handled the women was fluid in motion. The grand difference that I saw was the huge difference between this kind of dancing and hip hop (Yes I know we are talking about apples and oranges) however the professionalism and the intricate detail of movements and the care in which each movement was articulated is really what sets street dance and professional dance apart. You have to relate new things with things that you know.

How he choreographed feeling and emotion and turmoil between couples I thought was exceptionally powerful (I think I already said that). So however the piece where the couple are going through their turmoil was beautifully articulated with strength and passion you could truly see the inner struggle between the couple and it was just beautiful. I really enjoyed myself.

I have been learning the value of getting out and living life and my blog has suffered because of it. Anything that I have to get done has to get done before the weekend. When the weekend hits then it is a little too late because it is a constant moving and even when we are all at home there is never a dull moment. So that is what it is. I love life without a television but that is something I will save for a separate post.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Okay so I have a profile

So I did the profile thing and frankly I would rather be stabbed in the neck with a brass dick. Good grief, this is not something that I am wanting to do. One thing that I will not do is talk about people who answer my ad on my blog. Sorry no juicy tidbits. I have to learn how to keep somethings underwraps. Divorce sucks, cause then you have to start all over and crap. Gee Whiz.

So anyways life is going great outside of the whole forcing myself to look for someone thing. Maybe I should just stop. I'm sure it is purely psychological. Maybe I should just stop and take up basket weaving or something like that.

Moving on. I need to fill out my application for substitute teacher. As it turns out I have the qualifications for one and I always wanted to try my hand at teaching. So I think I will give it a shot and see what happens. I also have to finish my Real Estate stuff before my year is up. Good Grief. It has been a busy year though. So emotionally I know that I wasn't able to work that out. No body was buying houses anyway (that is not true).

Ok I have to get some rest before my night job. Peace.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Muhammad Seeks Marriage

The inevitable has come and the process of picking up your life has become apparent. Moving on and leaving the head scratching and analysis behind it is time to go on with my life. It has been a crazy 7 years with lots of ups and downs and love and memories, but the chapter to that book is now closed and it is time for me to move on and I have finally reached a quasi-stable emotional state that will let me do so. Finally the hope of any kind of reconciliation is gone. Which is good that it took so long so when I finally do meet that someone then I won't have any hang ups. I will probably have reservations of some things and I will look out for some things, but all and all I should be able to move along with no problem. Without the emotional entanglements of hope.

So then now is the time for starting the looking process all over again. The endless sifting through personals ads. The mundane emailing process. The rollercoaster of emotions of hoping that someone likes you and is genuinely interested in you and blah, blah, blah. Good grief can you tell I'm excited. This is the time when patience pays off. You focus on your Deen and keep to the Sirat al Mustaqeen. If I really wanted a wife I would ask Allah, He always answers prayers, but sometimes you think you know what you are doing and you just want a break (So faithless I should just ask Allah and be through with it, but I kind of feel like I'm bothering Him, so stupid and then I'm not all the way ready I mean I'm broke so there are so many technical difficulties to work through before I can actually get around to asking). So weird with me like that. When I really want something I ask Allah for it and He gives it to me, but if I'm not sure then I fiddle around and allow myself to get frustrated and then ask. Kind of like procrastinating for Salaat. You know what you are supposed to do and lolly-gag around until you actually do it. That is so where I am at right now.

I don't want to get married again right now, but I do want the attention and the affection and romance, but at the same time I don't want to use anybody either. So I suppose that this gets to an answer where sisters always ask "Why do Muslim Men date non-Muslim women" well I suppose my current state of mind would be somewhere close to an answer. If I went after a Muslim woman right now then I would have to get married and I don't necessarily FEEL like getting married. Right now I just want some companionship and someone to romance a little and get a little affection and intimacy (NOT SEX) intimacy you know the holding hands and snuggling thing, that's all that I want right now. Good conversation and the warm touch of woman, just a lil bit. You know her, the rebound girl, but I don't really want to USE anyone like that. Oh yeah back to the question, that is where brothers get the whole non-Muslim chic thing from if I am any extension of them. I want intimacy and the knowledge that someone cares and thinks about me, but not all of the responsibility of marriage right now. Frankly right now I can't afford it so getting married is really a mute point. So I suspect other brothers find themselves in this point in life and decide to go out and get a girlfriend just to satisfy that need whether sexual or not. It is nice to have someone in your corner who cares that you can just hold from time to time. Someone who isn't going to judge you too much and will push you just enough so that you can get back on center. The problem ultimately is that these relationships are eventually invested so heavily into that to throw them away once you have regained equilibrium is just dog, so people keep them and make the best of it. It is a tough place to be, one where you have to trust Allah and also make that prayer so that you are not stuck OUT THERE deeply intertwined with someone that you don't really want to be with spiritually.

So I look back to my Domestic Violence class and the lessons that I learned there.
1. Don't objectify women and I had a post on this where the Muslim community is very guilty of this. A hijab is not a determining factor for the Iman of a woman. It feels good to have a woman who wears hijab there is a great deal of honor in it, but if you don't honor her in return or if she wears it to get you then ultimately it is just a piece of fabric. The hijab is important to me because as a Muslim man I feel that it is in my realm to enforce certain Islamic norms and it is just a fight I don't feel like dealing with. In the end it is really between that sister and Allah, but as a husband it is just a pet peeve. This is undoubtedly a sore spot for a lot of sisters, and opens the whole hypocrisy fight, trust me I know. However there are just some things that you like and don't like. I'm not going to break my neck for my religion, nor am I trying to make anyone else do things that I won't do. You know what I mean, standards we all have to have standards. However the hypocrisy part is the willingness to do the whole part time girlfriend cuddlebug thing. Looking at the divorces in the little circle that reads this blog it is evident that Divorce takes a lot out of you.

2. The next time I get married I want to take some time to get to know who it is I am marrying. This is necessary for me because I don't want to make the same mistakes again. I thought that I had resolved my last mistakes in this marriage but alas I was wrong. The western Islamic marriage model doesn't really lend itself to this, because there is no dating in Islam and everyone wants to be respectable so instead of long-term dating or courtship we just get married and see where everything lands and then once we are in the marriage we just try to make the best of it. Which apparently isn't the best situation.

3. What am I looking for? At the moment that is an open page, not really but for the purposes of this post it is an open page. Realistically I'm just looking for someone with a set of personal problems and hang-ups that I can deal with. Basically that is what we all end up with. The good outweighs the bad and sometimes the love is so great it seems that way, but either way we are happy, and that is all that is important.

So on my mark, get set, ready and explore.

Peace

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Cute IS a reason?

What do you mean I can't keep having more kids just because they are cute? It is time for the pitter patter of little feeties again. My kids are spaced at every two years and now the youngest is 2 in 2 days and they are SOOOOO CUUTTTEEE!!!!! People tell me I can't keep having them just because they are cute, but come on. They tell me think of college and food and yada yada yada. So maybe I'll marry a rich girl and then that won't be an issue. Or maybe I will slip up and play the lottery and win. Oh they are so gorgeous. You just want to squeeze them and nuzzle them and roll around with them and tickle them and kiss them all up. UUUUUUGGGGHHHH!!!! Life is so unfair (Astaghfirallah). Why wasn't I given the ability to stay focused so that I could make enough money to allow me to stay at home and just love up on my kids? I need to win the lottery. If I could stay home and just take care of my kids. I wouldn't stop having them. Ya Allah I love my kids.

It is spring break and I have all of the kids with me. They will be with me for the week and it has been so great. Going to the park, today we are going to the zoo. Just being with them is so awesome. They are so funny. Working with them getting them to push themselves. Oh I love kids so much. Maybe I should become a elementary school teacher, but then they won't be my kids and people would look at me strange if I was caught squeezing on someone else kids and kissing them all up and loving them and stuff. Need a bigger house, maybe I will become a foster parent. Still though it feels weird. Loving on my kids is different. Their little voices are so distinctive, Mu'mina is very well spoken with a squeaky little voice when sleepy otherwise it is very confident and commanding, Niama is the little Sade voiced baby so cute, Ibrahim is just loud with his Man-belly. LOL. They are too much. I love them so. Just 5 more then I will stop I promise, unless they are just unbearably cute then I may have to take a second wife for a few more. Come on kids are so cute and when they are babies and all squirmy that's when I take them away and put on the sling and carry them, change diapers and bathe them and play with them and if I didn't have to work I'd get up in the middle of the night to soothe them and take them to the doctors in the morning while you ran off to work.

Anyway that is my kids rant for the year. Kids are cute and if I won the lottery or fell into an extremely lucrative business then that is just what I would do. Buy a huge house and fill it with kids. Assuming of course I could find someone to marry me again. LOL.

Saturday, April 04, 2009

Leave her alone!!!

I came to an epiphany today that I am just going to have to do in order to get on with my life and sever the attachment altogether. The problem is that I still love my wife, but the trust and the basic expectation of her telling me the truth is gone. It is so bad that if she said the sky was blue I'd swear she was lying. That is something that I noticed that happened when the trust died out. That is something that will make any kind of reconciliation impossible. It is so sad because I really do love her. So I realize that the only way that I can make this break from her emotionally is to A. Get involved with someone else in a disposable rebound relationship, or B. put as much distance between us as possible. Option A even with promises of great sex and stimulating conversation is not something that I want to do. I just can't use people like that. I just can't. So I am going to need to put together some kind of social distancing between us just so that I can return to being the person that I once knew myself to be. End off of the suspicion and clandestine operations for a while and just be me. I need to define myself again. I need to divorce any hope of some kind of reconciliation and move on. Maybe it is the estrogen in the Soy Milk. It is strange because I can accept that it is over, but at the same time it is kind of like why end it when you can put in the work to save it type of thing, but neither of us is willing to do that AT the Same time. She was ready and I wasn't, now I'm ready and she isn't then there is the no trust thing so the best thing that I can think of is distance. I don't think this fasting is something that will take forever I mean we are cordial and everything now, but I feel once life has grown up around the reality of it being over it will be a lot easier to deal with.