Tuesday, November 22, 2011

How irritating is television?

I'm sitting is the Dr.'s office for a physical and the television is just blaring. I can't think really with the constant blah, blah, blah good grief. It is the news but it is ridiculous. I actually was trying to read, but that didn't work. I can't operate with thAt thing on. I'm so happy I don't have one.

So I'm here in the bay and life is really coming at me full speed. I'm finding more opportunities to serve. At the same time I am becoming overwhelmed with prioritization and organization. 24 hours in a day is really not enough time in a day to all that i have to get done.

Between work and all of the things that I have to do and with organizing photoshoots and photo projects. Since I've started now the ideas have started coming to me. Flowing and overflowing like crazy. It would seem that I can't do them all, so I pray that the ones that I can do I can do well. It has come that I don't plan my day, I plan my hour and try to pack as much into that moment as possible. Hopefully I can overcome my ADD. Last night I got a little scatterbrained so I just went to bed. Today I have a portrait shoot. I have another client that I am supposed to be shooting. I have a set to build and I have to talk to people about the Dawah Eid for 2012.

The Dawah Eid every year we as Muslims go about our business doing what we do without inviting anyone to the Deen I feel that the time has come for that to change. As Muslims we have two festivals. Eid al Fitr and Eid al Adha. Eid al Adha the larger Eid I believe is strategically more significant. The Hajj is the largest gathering of human beings on the planet yet most people don't know what it is all about or even seen it. So now I want to bring that experience to the people. Now people have been coming into Islam without being asked by the Muslims, the time has now come to ask and invite.

When you look around you can really see how much work needs to be done, and that can be daunting. You can't save every baby lemming but you can save one and that one may make the difference. I think that people really get caught up (i do) on fixing the whole problem, but the whole problem is not the flock, the flock is made up of individual birds. If a cat runs into the mass of birds they will all fly away and the cat becomes overwhelmed but if he focuses on one then he may be successful. This is my lesson to myself and my ideas. Insha Allah I will be able to succeed.

My first photo project is Inspired by Dark Girls a photo expose about being of darker skin in this society and how you are made to feel. I pray that I can do a good job and get it all done before the next showing at F3.

I have so many projects in my head, The homeless, Dark Girls, The Rope project, The Pharoah Conundrum. I believe that it will prove to be a very busy 4 years. I'm looking forward to it.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Finding My Voice

I'm evolving and turning, growing and coming to the fore. Realizing that life is about giving more than receiving. That I own nothing and owe everything. At this point I am working hard to stay present. I find it strange that it is a conscience effort to remain engaged in small things such as conversations, tasks and other events. To remain involved in the moment that is happening now and not think about the outcome later. I know many people plan for the outcomes in their lives and work hard at it, however I realize that if that were something I would do it would mean that I would live a lifetime in a planned tomorrow and not accomplish anything today.

My photography I want to say something. I want it to change the way the world looks at things. I was talking to a homeless person last night. Katie, her story was that she had abusive parents both mother and father and she was stifled in growth. She felt oppressed so she left and ran away. She hooked up with someone else who wasn't going anywhere and now she's pregnant. In two months she will have the baby. Katie is 19 years old. Her story has inspired me to make a photobook "Are you really homeless" that will explore the stories of several homeless persons in and around my circle of influence and then try to get it published. Of course I can publish it myself but I would like to get it out there. Actually I may have to publish it myself, but I feel I need to do it in order to get in touch with myself and become more human. We have a tendency to be antiseptic when it comes to people. Strangers, when we observe them as a group everyone seems so fearfully disconnected, we don't want to be bothered or played. I find it very curious, perhaps I will make more of an effort to connect with the Strangers that I meet, after all Islam was the stranger and it proved to be a blessing to the world.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:St Andrews Dr,Brentwood,United States

Wednesday, November 09, 2011

One step forward 2 steps back

So there I sat in the Goodyear place trying to get an alignment and my tires replaced. This should have been an easy breezy thing. The tires were paid for, but it cost another $100 to put them on? Then I needed an alignment another $100, then they told me i need rear shims for the back to be aligned another $225. What It is like $1000 bucks to change the tires on my freaking vehicle? What? Give me a break. I need to pay for business insurance at $235 at the end of the month and renew my vehicle insurance at $443 at the end of the month. I was going to do it this month but this is ridiculous.

Anyways I've been in deep contemplative mode. Trying to go vegan and I had a slight relapse over Eid. I haven't eaten a whole lot of meat. Maybe a couple of slices of chicken and then a little beef for someone's going away party maybe a fistful altogether so I don't think I'm doing that bad. I have to start making meals though. I went to a nutritionist and she showed me several meals, But I don't eat. My biggest meal of the day is breakfast. I don't do lunch, but I have to stay away from the junk food. I can do it, but I'm a snacker. I will eat cheese though, but mostly almond milk. I bought a vitamix so I think I'm going to buy a nut bag and start making my own.

I'm wondering how I'm going to get my business off the ground out here. I know for sure I'm not charging any Mickey Mouse prices for my photography anymore. My prices will start out at $125 for a 8 x 10 and go up from there.

Eid went well. I'll post some Eid Pictures later and Eid Mubarak everyone.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Nimitz Fwy,Oakland,United States

Tuesday, November 08, 2011

Ho No More!!

When I came out here I was depressed, confused and hurt. My ex had promised me my children and then recanted her position. Using them as a tool it would seem, but honestly she is just paranoid and that can be frustrating. To deal with someone who thinks that the world is out to screw them over. It is a terrible existence and I pray that Allah sends on her some peace and happiness. So horrible that I can see now standing on the outside the circle she goes through. No desire to be alone, but can't trust anyone that she's with, doomed to start and break relationships until she can get to a place of peace. May Allah strengthen her and bring her Sakina.

About myself I realize that I cannot allow myself to get into relationships, because I care too much and I can't throw people away. I don't understand how people can do that. It grates against my heart too much because I wish so much for people. I wish to see them accomplish their goals and I wish that they rise. So readers I haven't been all over the Bay area screwing the brains out of unsuspecting women with tales of promise and security. I've had one relationship. I could have had more but I turned them down. Now the sister that I am involved with is wanting to become Muslim.

I was going to break it off, but a couple of things made me stay. The verse that states 4:19 "... If you dislike them, it may be that you dislike a thing and Allah brings through it a great deal of good." It was solely because of this piece of verse that I did not end the relationship. I was still and saw the value in the person she was. The more I stayed the more value I saw and I treated her with kindness. I made sure to inform her that I am indeed a polygamist and she stayed so I was like cool. Then I learned the meaning of another verse. 4:129 "You will never be able to do perfect justice between wives even if it is your ardent desire...". I met a sister before I left and she makes my heart swim. I love to hear her voice. Interact with her as she goes through her day and send her gifts and I love them both very differently. The latter of course does not want anything to do with polygamy and so for a while I was considering breaking it off with the other one, but I know me and I know I will want polygamy again. I know that I can do it. I just have to live my life in a way that does not contradict my faith in anyway. Having two women is great because you can find balance. What helps me in one relationship helps me in another and vice versa. I find that overall I am more balanced and at peace. However I know that I must come to the table with the latter about my plans and intentions because that is the fairest thing to do. However I don't want to lose her and that is completely selfish. So I struggle with that everyday.

I'm going through a lot right now and I will try to post more, but my time is limited.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Nimitz Fwy,Oakland,United States

Friday, October 28, 2011

Incubus


n. pl. in·cu·bus·es or in·cu·bi (-b)
1. An evil spirit supposed to descend upon and have sexual intercourse with women as they sleep.
2. A nightmare.
3. An oppressive or nightmarish burden.

Well I would suppose that my little incubus is more of a possession rather than a terrorizing of women in their sleep. If you have been reading my blog for a while you know that my sexual history is quite long with first masturbatory experiences starting at 5 or so. I have experienced this for a great period of my life. Now that I'm older I experience it much less. However when it comes over me it is a powerful experience. It is different from my simple attraction. It comes with force and in waves, hard and pounding sensation of pure unadulterated lust. It is the go ahead deep driving urge for sex. This motherfucker is serious. It scares me sometimes when I am in a flat out heat and want to FUCK not make love, not experience intimacy at all, just FUCK. It is a driving desire whose desire is to experience sweat, and the quivering of legs, and moans. The squeezing of breasts and licking of nipples. It isn't particular of who and it is a heavy feeling.

Normally I fight it off by staying away from all women. Keeping my distance. Staying in prayer or reading the Quran. Now I'm a sexual person to begin with, but this urge is very different. It is the caller to the bedroom. It possesses me, leads me and drives me to completely and utterly sexually dominate a woman. Until that woman is spent completely. It desires multiple women in a harem or an orgy. Today my visitor came and I have tried to fight him, but alas I am weak.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Calcot Pl,Oakland,United States

The Ex-factor

So my Ex took back the kids right. Now she plans to move out and live with me. So she first approached me and said that she would like to have me take the kids over winter break so that she could find a new place in Philly or Illinois, then it was can I move in until I find a place and now it is can I stay there for two years while I save up money to go to school. Smile.

So I ask myself how feasible is this really. I live in a one room apartment. We have our history and we will essentially be living separate lives because I'm on course to become married with two beautiful women. Now my ex wants to come and she has plans to go to school and fly "Home" her words every other weekend. Now in women speak what does that really mean? Can I get someone who speaks woman to chime in and translate? So I tell her that the door to reconciliation is closed and is absolutely not going to happen. I'm sure she'll be half naked most of the time, but that door is closed. Smile.

So I've told her hey you can come, but I'm getting married so stay as you will. How did she interpret it, How would you interpret it? Maybe I should say no, but I suppose she took the kids back so that she may have that option, had I had the kids I would have told her absolutely not. I miss my kids, but I suppose that I''m going to have to put my foot down about her jerking my life around by holding my kids by their necks. Well we will see what I decide to do. I'm really just too laid back. Hmmm I have to think about this some more.

It is too bad that I know her, but I pray that she will be well soon.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Spencer Rd,Oakland,United States

Ho no More

So there I was in the pit of my dysfunction and I walked this walk to find ou
t that no I'm not a Ho and nor can I be. There is too much lying necessary and too much deceit and I just can't do that. I enjoy telling the truth, it allows my to live my life de-conflicted. To live your life without conflict is the only way to make progress in this life. So I am falling back on track.

I have learned much in the past 60 days since I got here to California. I've learned that what I do in my relationships is what I do in life. Consequently perfecting my relationship with my Creator means that I will perfect my relationships in life. I learned that I am not present and I disengage my feelings for the protection of myself, but in doing so I alienate myself and everyone around me. I have changed my course and charged myself to be present at all times. Just as being present in prayer allows me to become closer to my Lord, being present in the moment allows me to become closer to those whom I'm in a relationship with.

I spent a greater part of my life saying that I don't care out of the pain of my parents divorce and the manifestation of my social alienation. i said that I don't care but I longed for the love and support that I could only see from afar. I am now working to nurture my relationships and become more loving and more transparent as an individual and to live my life without conflict so that I can give to everyone what they need within my means to give. So that I can love the women in my life in a manner that they are worthy of. To embark on business ventures so that everyone can receive the most from the transaction.

So I find myself in two relationships, one with the girl that I was going to throw away as a disposable relationship. I have taken pause and listened and I see so much value in her as an individual. Each morning we pray together and also each night. I have shared my religion with her something that I have not done to anyone else. She is very spiritual and she has allowed me to learn quite a bit about myself. She has accepted the fact that I am a polygamist and she loves me just as I am and I am thankful for that so I send my prayers on her.

My first girl is this beautiful Muslim sister that I know and have met from NC and she is my heart. She is an Alfa female and is radiant in her own light. Very cute and dear to my heart. I love her and she is my beloved. She is NOT down with polygamy and I don't really know how to accept that. I was honest with her and she knows that I'm a polygamist, but is pressuring me to decide which way to go. I told her the truth and then retracted it so that I wouldn't lose her, but now I am wondering if I should just tell her that I cannot not be a polygamist because I'm so fine with it. At this point of my life and everything that I've gone through it is almost as if I feel it is owed to me. So chances are I will go on and do it. I just need to let her know. Even though I don't want to lose her.

A third girl who has no religion at all I have reconciled to be only friends with. We don't date, occasionally we go out and talk, but I don't feel that there can be a foundation without some foundation in God. She's nice and her story is remarkable. In that she is an inspiration. There has been no talk of romance so I don't feel that I'm leading her on or anything. I don't know the laws of women though. Perhaps if I told her that I had two other women that I was considering she may begin to feel some kind of loss. Who knows.

I have a new mantra that I was thinking about putting on a bumper sticker. Do what you love and Invest wisely. It is simple but so true.

Well I'm at work and I need to do some. I hope to blog quite often in the coming weeks. I may buy the season of Sisterwives so that I can see what works and what doesn't in poly marriages. I'm in Oakland now. Perhaps I'll put up some pictures of my place when I go home and clean it up a bit. Well until then I will see you all later.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Spencer Rd,Oakland,United States

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Lying is Dying

Recently I have come into the realization that I am not the person who I am. I am not behaving in character and I am hurting. It hurts to lie to yourself and your Lord. I am all over the place. I recently told the woman that I love the truth about myself and what I have been doing in an effort to grow closer to her. It did not work out so well. When I came out here I told myself that I was going to be a whore and sleep with all kinds of women and live the life. I quickly found out that I can’t I really can’t live that life. Some people can however I can’t. It has nothing about the life that I want to live in it. Embarking on it as a journey was a mistake. I have lost the woman that I love, but even in that I have learned so possibly it is not all in vain. I have grown and I have learned the true nature of what it takes to be a polygamist. Honesty and straightforwardness at all times is of the utmost otherwise you are untrustworthy. You must be very firm and true in word and deed. Lying cannot be tolerated under any circumstance.

 

When I began on this journey I sought to rack up some disposable relationships however that doesn’t make sense to my soul. So I must drop that platform. What I must do though is seek to become vulnerable in more of my relationships and trust that those relationships will be successful. While I am with the woman that I’m with I keep remembering the ayat you may not want a wife but through that wife receive much good. I don’t know where it is, but it is solidified in my mind. I am a polygamist this is true and I am not going to deny it. It is a lifestyle that I want. I don’t know how it will unfurl into reality, but I know that I must not compromise my beliefs, nor submit to my nafs. So I have come to a cross roads and now I pick up my stick to walk again. I am no longer going to wallow in loss, but cherish what I have learned and seek the blessings that my Lord has set aside for me.

 

Thus my journey to self discovery begins… Watch me…

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Out of Character

Living out of character is the largest waste of time a person can have. I know that but yet I do what I do. Dating has its benefits but also its pitfalls. People get the wrong idea you transmit the wrong messages and feelings come into play yours and theirs. I'm not ready to get married again, but I'm not necessarily ready to be alone either. So things are what they are. I am a polygamist that I know is true, or is it. The one that I want to marry won't have it and I feel for her so, but is it infatuation or is it something deeper. The one in this community who is oh so cute is a new convert and has tons of energy and I want to absorb it and uplift her as well. I haven't said anything because I'm not trying to go there. Yet. So funny as the community is trying to marry us off already, I can only assume. I've been approached for marriage and I don't even know who it is. So funny, only in Islam (or traditional religions).

Then you get to a place where it is time to get out of the Dating game and live your deen and you don't have an exit strategy. Just don't call that is uncharacteristic, call up and cut it off, seems so harsh. Sometimes though that is what has to be done in order to keep focused on Allah. So I am at odds with myself with the verse who states "Have you seen the one who takes his lusts as his god" To do so violates everything that I believe in and as it sits is causing conflict inside of me. A horrible existence. In an ideal world I could have my two wives, but I think right now I need to learn how to put my nafs in check, and my Lord first.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Spencer Rd,Oakland,United States

Sunday, September 11, 2011

There is no point in being The Nice Guy

So here I am struggling with the official Whoredom persona and my Deen and everything and so I meet this lovely lady slightly vulnerable and emotional but a very nice person. So I totally diss her one day to go out with this other girl who is an entirely different story all together. I feel bad about it and try to make a come back. She's actively asking me to commit to something about which I don't feel entirely able to do. So I play it low and just chill offer emotional advice and encouragement with helpful hints of how to live your life and yada yada. So then it comes time for the sticky and the sticky could happen if I would LIE and say those magical words. I don't and the night comes to a close and we split.

She wants to see me the next day to give me Lasagna which was delicious by the way. I go to her meeting taking time out of my day and which she then gives me the lasagna and hooks up with some other guy who IS going to lie and do all the other bullshit. So it didn't hit me at first and then I said hey wait a minute. She is going to fuck some other dude just because I was being nice and NOT fucking her? Ok so this is how the game goes.

Get out there to get what you want at the expense of the other person because if you don't do it someone else will. Lesson learned. No problem there are plenty of women on and off line.

So basically I am here. I don't give a fuck anymore. They can suck these balls just as well as the next girl. Fuck feelings. Mine and theirs. What a miserable existence.

Now you understand that focus on yourself and be confident and the women will come. Fuck relationships.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Nimitz Fwy,Oakland,United States

Thursday, September 08, 2011

Relationships and Feng Shui

I went out last night and had a wonderful time with a very positive sister (as in African American). I didn't have an incredible urge to sleep with her and we just had a really great time. She is a Raw Foods Chef and has a day job she is building up her client base and wow it was really great talking to her. It made me realize a couple of things. Stuff detracts from your life it doesn't add to it. As we were talking and exploring a conscienceness we began uncovering clutter in our physical life creates clutter in our personal life and in our goals and it was really inspiring to work that out. I used a lot of examples from Islam to declutter or explain the process of decluttering in my life. I went over the concept of Rizq and what it means that your sustenance isn't what you have it is what you Use and how that affects everything in your life. Just because you have $100M doesn't mean you use it and frankly it doesn't really buy anything extra.

I am in a different relationship with someone else who is obviously ill emotionally and doesn't know how to deal with it. I haven't been getting enough sleep so I have been over eating. I have to stop that. I don't think I am going to open up any more romantic relationships for a while. I think I am going to focus on myself and who I want to become before I ASK Allah for a companion.

It is so crazy as we were talking about the reduction of stuff I began to include everything that is clutter or represents clutter in my life, Stuff, relationships, activities and everything else that I find that I need to do instead of focusing only on those things which are important. I think that seems difficult to do but if I practice it in my physical life then it will transfer to my emotional and spiritual life. Or if I practice it in my spiritual life it will transfer to my physical life Insha Allah.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Nimitz Fwy,Oakland,United States

Monday, September 05, 2011

On becoming a Ho

Wow the location is really off on this thing. Well it is true, I'm finally saying fuck all of the bullshit and just be a ho. Now that my blog is back in my own hands I can write and not worry about anyone reading my shit. I think I'm going to lean on my blog a little more now because being a Ho is lonely. It's really not me but it's going to have to be. It hurts too, a very lonely lifestyle, but no one is going to be hurting me and I can control how ho-ish or un-ho-ish I want to be. I don't necessarily want to be a ho, but I don't want to be alone either. I'm not ready to get married yet. I thought I was but I'm not. I'm broke for one so I'm not looking to be broke for too much longer. If I get married I know that I would be broke so I'm looking to stack my cash.

I've been hurt and I've hurt and thus the game goes in a circular motion. The game is ridiculous and honestly I really don't want any part of it. However it is necessary if you don't ask Allah for that which is right. That is so ridiculous where in I could just ask Allah and call it a day, but I'm not ready to get married right now. So I should be single and celibate. I've already hurt two women in my quest to not be alone. That didn't feel good. If I'm going to do this then I'm going to have to get some thicker skin.

I've been here for almost a month and I haven't went out to take any pictures. I really don't know what is wrong with me. I went to go and see KRS1 the other day and it was totally awesome. He said something that has rung in my head and is just swirling around and around in my skull. Be Real and Accept the Consequences. I have been living less than who I am for a long time and I feel that it is time to put an end to that bullshit. I thought about it some time before I went to the concert and that was in order to make any true progress I need to not be in conflict with my Islamic spirit. There was a khutba on Friday and basically he was reciting the Quranic verses of Have you seen the one who takes his Lusts for His god? It went on about how much of a loser that person was and how it is in fact SHIRK. It hit home with me, but I still screwed up. Sometimes I think I'm going to be one of those people that do good up until a point and then they start screwing up and doing bad so that they land themselves into the Hell-fire. Eww.

So I've been thinking of all of the things that I would like to do and trying to prioritize them all. First on my list is to advance so I don't really have to worry about losing my job. That's A. Second finishing out my degree so that I will have something to fall back on when I do get out of the Service. Third is my photography and doing some of the projects in my head. First I need to write down the scenes that are in my head so that I can articulate them in capture. Then I want to do Dawah, not as a hobby but as a science. Then I would like to retire from my job and become a teacher or a counselor. All things have upright principles and none of them can afford to have their time wasted in dead end relationships. I have a mission statement that is totally in conflict with being a ho. I need to really stop living my life in conflict and become who I really want to be and a Ho is definitely not one of them. A polygamist is but a ho isn't.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Webster St,Alameda,United States

Saturday, August 06, 2011

Falling in Love

I have reached the point where my love has been opened. It is fragile but fully committed. I have fallen in Love with the sister however I am in a dilemma, when I told her that I would not have a problem not thinking about polygamy I lied. It shows in our conversations in that I bring up scenarios all too often. She has stated that she will have no parts of polygamy. So if I marry her then I know where I will stand. I will be here on my blog trying to get through each day's polygamous urges.

You would think that I am creating all too much drama for myself by thinking up polygamous scenarios. Although I'm not now. I'm not thinking of anyone or anything I just feel that it is something that is deep in me. Or maybe I create too much drama for myself and I can't just exist in life and enjoy each moment as they come.

That is not the problem though. My current problem is that I'm in love with her and I'm a polygamist. Kind of like a wolf and a rabbit relationship. Moths and flames. I know that I don't want to experience that pain again. If I break the relationship right now it will hurt like hell. I look forward to her call everyday. I long to talk to her now. If I were with her I would love her touch and her glance. I'm in too deep I surrendered a long time ago and I have just fallen off the edge. The way that I see it my only solution is total silence. Total and complete silence about the issue. I know it will not go away, but maybe I can manage it all. Insha Allah.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:N Davis Hwy,Pensacola,United States

Friday, August 05, 2011

Being Real with myself.

I know I have promised to write in my blog and it has been pretty much left for dead, but now I need it again. I have come to a point where I need to be real with myself. The tides have went back and forth about who is going to have the children and it is a battle that I have seemingly lost. I don't have the funds to embark on a lengthy or short custody battle. I don't have enough evidence and the last mutual agreement that would have given me my children for four years has gone up in flames. It is funny though that you have to be careful for what you pray for, for my loss may have inadvertently been answered by one of those prayers. I reflect on that often when examining my options.

We are in the process of heading across country. My son has tried to kill himself once with his fearless spirit. He needs to listen I am not always going to be there to protect him. My kids are having a good time despite the educational nature of our St Augustine stop. I have been to Sea World and Disney already. St. Augustine which is completely out of the way I felt was a necessary stop. I wanted to go to Fort Mose though to see the exhibit but we have screwed up our time table and everyone sleeps until 11 or so. I sleep wake up for Sohur and then go back to bed. I am behind in my reading with the intention of making it up today. We will see Insha Allah.

I am talking to a sister for marriage and things are going well. I feel that it is too soon but I have already asked the question. The tension between us is high and the desire for each other is present. It is a very beautiful place where we are today. I have confessed that I am a polygamist and she has confessed that there will be none of that. I have stated that I will not embark on such a path and not bring it up and everything and I was fine with that until last night. Last night the questions came to me. Muhammad you are a polygamist. You're Not a player though but you are a polygamist. You desire dedicated relationships that are deep and you desire affection and love and nurturing. You love it. Saying that you don't is wrong. Then trying to live without it then begins to get in the way. You think about it, and you think about it now more than you did before. You want to be married fi sabelellah, you don't want girlfriends, but frankly it is much easier to have two girlfriends than it is to convince to perfectly sane women to be your wives. Or is it?

Sakinah has decided to take back the kids to live with her. The decision has i'm convinced been entirely based on her newly constructed living arrangement which when I began thinking about it I'm completely jealous of. That's when I knew that the polygamy thing will always probably be a problem for me. A part of what has been going on between her and I has been jealousy based. She's had multiple partners and menage a trios and some other things that I'm not entirely interested in and I have honestly just been jealous. I get jealous not to a point of green with jealousy but just like damn when is it my turn. I remember being happiest in my relationship with two women of which I didn't have to change, but I did out of my own conscience. I enjoyed that experience very much. It is a relationship that I regret ending. Had it been halal I never would have ended it. I would have lived happily ever after.

Now that I'm older and have the possibility to be more viable as a man. I'm going out west without any children or attachments and I can only wonder what if I were to meet someone shortly after I get there. It would make my current relationship that I'm embarking on undergo a very real strain. I know however deep down inside I want two women openly. I don't want to be lying and hiding and courting the edge of the truth. I want two women whom I love and they in turn love me. To me that would make me the most happiest. Of course I have never been in a situation like this for the long haul. The time I spent in a relationship close to that it was beautiful. I didn't want it to end. It had to though. I felt that somehow it would have liberated a part of me that I myself was afraid of.

I confessed to her that I was a polygamist and she took caution and rightfully so. She asked "how do you know that you can live without it" and I said that I know, but I was speaking out of all of the pain and agony that I had experienced. In a natural normal relationship though without all of the drama that I have been through the reality is yes I'm a polygamist, because it is what my heart is inclined towards.

I'm screwed. I'm either damned to have a long stream of girlfriends or be alone because of my desires. So I ask myself why do I get excited. Like last night she had another woman was in her presence and the very fact that she was present made me more excited and that's why I started thinking about it wait Muhammad what are you doing you know that you are a polygamist. You know you want multiple women in your life. You are happiest when they are around. You love the tension of being with one woman faithfully and having her friends come in close proximity. It isn't something that is a passing fancy but it just really turns me on. This has always been the case. So maybe I really need to separate a turn on from a day in and day out commitment of a plural marriage.

Now though I must weigh the decision of completing the marriage or coming out of the closet and confessing my sexual complications and my desire for polygamy.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad


Location:N Davis Hwy,Pensacola,United States

Monday, July 25, 2011

Brave New Yonder

I've learned that writing for me is more important than I think. I have to write. It declutters my mind and allows me to focus. Now that all of my readers have vanished I must keep writing. Now without the possible phobia of others reading my thoughts. I've made my blog a little more anonymous, probably will shift into full anonymous mode in the upcoming months, or at least not as openly published, but easily found.

I recently went to a trip to see a sister. I had a great time, but the heart breaking thing is not knowing. I don't know what she wants to do and surprisingly that hurts. I asked for her hand a little impulsive but I asked nonetheless. It was too early and all wrong but I didn't really feel that I had an option. I'm leaving to go across the country and how it was going to happen with me going over to the west coast I can't really see happening anytime soon. So I asked kind-of-sorta. Is it the logistics, or the fact that it is too soon. Is it that the external brakes are put on to save me from certain doom and help me focus on some of the other things in life that I need to focus on. Like finishing my degree, rebuilding my Deen, losing my gut. All seemingly more important than getting married.

The problem though is that I love being married and I hate having girlfriends. I really do. I would rather go to bed with a wife rather than a girlfriend.

I had a delightful time though. I didn't get many pictures or sleep but all and all I enjoyed every minute of my trip. She showed me her home and her town. It really was a nice city. i went to a spoken word show and I am seriously thinking of developing some material. For those who don't know it is an extreme turn on to sit amongst a 15 to one ratio of beautiful educated sensual women. Very nice. I think I can do it. There wasn't much sexual tension between us. I think it helped that she was on hayd so the very thought of possibility evaporates.

There is an impulsive time with me where uncertainty and fear overcome me and I make decisions contrary to the way I'm feeling. right now I am feeling very vulnerable and afraid. She hasn't called me today. Not like she usually does this has created an anxiety in me and i have two choices of how to handle it. I could let it ride and assume that she has looked on or I can completely stress myself out and become a bug-a-boo which isn't my style. Right now I think I will just relish in what was. Something that was beautiful and reminded me that yes I can love again. I can be sincere with someone. I can be real and I can send Love. So until she sends those nourishing clues that she is still there I'm just going to chill.

Funny I say that I'm the single polygamist but I don't search the globe constantly looking for the next wife on the list. When I'm engaged with someone that is the only person that I'm engaged with. in this situation I have some remnant relationships out there but the beauty of Islamic encounters is there is no in between. No girlfriend/ boyfriend drama. Just marriage, either leap or stay on the shore.

One thing that I miss though is the kiss that was one thing that I wanted to take away from my sitting, but it is best that I didn't because I would truly be going insane right about now. I love kisses. I really love kissing. There was none of that. Damn.

So I'm reminiscing of her, still wanting that kiss. Still wanting to hold her close to me and drink in her smells in myself. To hold her soft little hands and look into her brown pool like eyes. Her smile, her color coordinating outfit. the swag of her dress and her stilettos. IShe was so beautiful. Her attentiveness was just so southern a belle through and through. If it doesn't work out I'm so glad I met you. Well I got to get back to work now. I have to write a lousy paragraph and it is taking me days to knock this out.



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Monday, June 27, 2011

Welcome to the Single Polygamist

Hello all as you can see I changed the name of my blog to the single polygamist. Why because I'm a polygamist and I'm single. I'm looking forward on embarking on a brand spanking new life as a single man and as a single Dad. Why name my blog that, hell I'm just keeping it real. I don't know if it will be the final living arrangement that carries me to my last days but it is something that I know I won't be settled until I give it a try.

It is so funny that now I'm just jaded and I'm in a relationship. I think that my side of the relationship is stepping out because I don't want to commit right now and I'm not open to being vulnerable at all so obviously it is not working out well. Kind of hard to get close to someone when you keep them an arms length away. Oh well in time this too shall pass.

I have been doing a lot of thinking of a lot of things. I don't think that my divorce could have been avoided. I don't know if I can make a new situation work probably because I have a vision of how I want things to be and it works fine until you start adding people. There is no surprise that most of the people I find are NOT Muslims and there's that whole hole in the vision and usually it stops there. However because I love snuggling and such I don't know how I will keep that whole situation on an even keel.

I've been working in the clubs and for the most part you get to see a lot of things. Gross insecurity, hubris, fakers and people just trying to pass the night. I'm still to square to tell when people are hitting on me and maybe that's a good thing. I think that there is a single moment that people sometimes look for through all of the hurt and pain of their lives and they get to a point where they just want peace. For the most part I think that is where I am.

Then there are my kids. They are getting too big to have in bed with me all the time, so I have kicked them out to their own bed. They are so cute. I think I can be a single Dad and celibate as long as I have my little ones around. I am so looking forward to spending that single parent time with them. They will be coming with me to California. I'm looking forward to doing the soccer thing and ballet and martial arts and homework and sick days and school projects and menses NOT!!! Hopefully I have a few years to go before the last one.

Wow I'm actually going to have to make and "maintain" friends. LOL I used to pride my self on being a loner but really I think that keeping my kids will be good for me so that I can learn to think about others before myself. As an only child I don't really have to think about other people, I was always fine within myself. Now though I have my little ones to think about. They are my life and I have to be more diligent about how I am raising them. It's just so much work. Well It is time for me to get some work done. I love my ipad bluetooth keyboard combo it is the bomb.




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Wednesday, April 06, 2011

Divorced Finally

So the divorce went down finally. It is officially official. $5500 later I am now divorced and on the divorced payment plan. I'm sure it will kick in sometime this month. I'm waiting to see what the monthly payment is going to be. There was some talks of reconciliation right up to the end, but as I thought it wasn't going to happen. I wasn't going to be doing the whole Oh baby I'll do anything to make it work (That shit wasn't going to happen) and she wasn't going to do the I'm so sorry I screwed up what ever can I do to work with you thing, not in her character so the divorce followed its natural course, finally.

So here I am divorced and fancy free, and I can say at this point in my life getting married again is NOT on the menu. No more bills for moi. My readership has fallen out of the floor but that is ok. So I will be rebuilding my life from scratch from the ground up. Sadly I have stopped with my morning Quran that I had developed into a habit of. I want to start that back up again. I think I will change the name of my blog to "The Single Polygamist" just for s&g's.

Where am I going from here, Cali. I've been slated to fill a position in Alameda, California and I really can't wait to go. If I didn't have my kids for the summer I would leave in June but as it stands I won't be leaving until August hopefully. I intend to ride my motorcycle across country so it will be an adventure. Looking forward to it. Not so sure I want to leave my camera equipment in the hands of government movers though. I have had quite the growth in photography while I've been alone. I am looking forward to getting a live/work loft when I go out to Cali and start my business. I feel that if I can average about $8k a month in photography then I will exit the Coast Guard in 4 years, but right now the plan is to stay for 10. Do a full 30 and then get out. If the studio is doing well when I get out then I will stay in America if it isn't then I will go to live some place where my money runs long. Doesn't really matter where. Why live in poverty in America when I can live like a king some place else.

So that is what has been going on with me. I'm trying to get ahead now but you know how it is one step forward two steps back. You save, something breaks, unexpected bills, costs expenses. I'm convinced by what the scholars say your Rizk is laid out for you already and whenever you start getting ahead of the Rizk that you have been portioned off you get an unexpected expense. Amazing then there are those things that are your fault though. Like maintenance and health and most importantly Deen. If you don't take care of yourself and your stuff then something is going to break. That is just the way that it is. My hooptie needs more work and then it will be golden. It is better than having a bill. This time when I fix it hopefully it will last another year before fail.

Looking forward to Cali. San Francisco, single, no kids or visitation for large parts of the year. Ohh it should be the bees knees for 4 months until I drive myself crazy missing my kids. I've been doing Project 365 in photography and they are days that I just shoot my kids. I took a great one of Ibrahim the other day. Hopefully I can start posting some here. Well I will. I just need to be disciplined and get them on my iPad. I blog on my iPad because I can update two blogs at once. I haven't checked the stats on the other one but this one the stats are pretty dead.

I registered for class went a couple of weeks and now I think I'm going to drop my classes. I just have too much going on. 2 jobs and kids on the weekend. Plus I'm not feeling it. $1700 down the tubes but I have to drop them no chance of passing now. I've been exhausted and a hundred other excuses but really I'm just not disciplined right now to hold it down. When I get to Cali I expect to be busy too getting the studio up and running. I'm only taking the bare minimum. If I don't need it I don't want it cluttering my life. Hoping to go to Zaytuna as often as possible. Looking forward to that.

Well that is all for today. Life is good.

Oh no wait. I am thinking about writing a book, How it all Ends a Quranic View of the End of the World. I have a theory that our world gets annihilated by a Black Hole. Its in the Quran. Not in black and white but that's the theory. I have to do some research on it.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Testing out

Alhamdulillah I read Juz 20 today. The verses that stuck out for me were do you think that you can believe and not be tested. I thought about that for quite sometime. Well as much time as I had. I had to read it at work. I have been having to read in the morning now. I have been driving to work early and then reading Quran and praying Fajr. I can read a Juz in about 20 minutes and then make Salaat or vice versa depending on when I get in.

I ordered a man purse for my iPad. It is a messenger bag and it looks pretty nice it is just kind of gay looking when I put it on. I think that I would like something in leather a lot better. It doesn't necessarily look girly but it doesn't look rugged either. I just need a bag for my iPad and keyboard and a magazine or two and business cards. I wanted something that I could have with me and be able to quickly take out my iPad and take down someones information and then get back with them. It is the Case Crown Vertical Multi Pocket Messenger bag. It is big enough for what I need.

So the latest word on the reconciliation is that there will not be one. I can understand my wife simply wanted something that I can't give right now. Not now with no work put forward to it. So I don't know what we were really thinking. I don't know maybe it is all my fault, but if it is I really don't care at this point. I am concerned about my kids. I won't have my kids for the weekends. I won't see them so I will have to come up with a way that we can communicate so that they don't grow up without me. I don't want lose the connection that I have with them so I will truly have to study the success of children of long distance non-custodial parents. I kind of want to write a book of how to be a great dad from 5000 miles away and just chronicle different ways that I can connect with my kids. I don't normally call her for anything now, when she moves away I could see that I would probably never ever call her. That however probably won't work very well for my little ones.

I am looking forward to going to Zaytuna though. Right there at the fountain of Islamic knowledge in the US. completely awesome. I am so looking forward to it. I just hope that I am able to keep balance between work and Deen and trying to spend some time with my kids. I am also going to be trying to finish my degree as well. I have to get that done. The only job that I am almost guaranteed is this next one. After this duty station I will have to make the next rank in order to stay in the service for another 4 years. If I make senior Chief I will be around for another 4 then I will just have 2 years left before I get out. After all of my years are up I will retire and hopefully travel the world. I may actually go and live in Belize or someplace else that the cost of living is minimal. I can do that or just travel the world and just enjoy the world for the rest of my life. I think that would be absolutely awesome.

Well it is time for me to get back to work. If this is 1000 words I will end this entry here otherwise I will tell you what is going on when I get home.

So I go to the Dr. and they are just like here these are you pills take them for a month and let's see what the hell happens. Smile on. I am like WTF I could have come in here and told you anything and you are just going to give me some frigging prescription controlled medication? Are you serious? So later I was talking to my Mom and she was like yep that's all that kind of Dr. Does they take the word of someone else and dish out the medication. If that is all that it takes I can dish out medicine that someone else says I need and make 150K a year give me that job.

Oh well it's on to the showers for me. Peace
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Revalation

I have finished Juz 19 today. It's funny that it seems to go by so swiftly when you read it a little by a little everyday. I have learned though that it doesn't help to read an extra dose every day. One day I read two Juz in one day because I was making up days and I got out less of it than when I only read one Juz. When I was reading two it stated that Allah has sent it down in stages so that it may be easy for you. It is truly easier to read a certain amount and reflect on that which you read.

In being true with myself I have come to a couple of revelations. One it makes me no point to build anything outside of Islam and those things that are ordained by the Quran and Sunnah. Inevitably as time goes on I begin to feel guilty about said activity and after copious amounts of work and dedication I scrap the whole body of work and turn myself back towards my Lord.

My relationship with my girlfriend is one such endeavors. When I got involved with her I knew that I was being wrong. I was tired of being alone and I was telling myself that I would repent later for any illegal sex that I would venture into. Shortly after I was in the relationship I began finding fault with her and started looking for a way out of the relationship. Then I started reading Quran again and I really started looking for a way out of the relationship. I had began feeling really bad about the relations, then I felt bad about the whole thing. I enjoyed her company, she is a really nice girl so then you just feel like a jerk for not being honest and in touch with your feelings from the beginning. When you lie to yourself you are already doing everyone around you a large disservice. I am in the same position with my photography business. Not necessarily photography itself but shooting models and half-naked women. Shooting them doesn't cause me any difficulty in myself or my Deen it is just that whole lower your vision thing. So from now on Insha Allah I will not enter any endeavor where I will have to be asking myself about the validity of the endeavor.

The reconciliation isn't going so well. I think that my wife thought it would be a lot easier than this. It is a shame because I was kind of looking forward to having my family back again. The Fat Lady hasn't sung yet but she is standing at the Microphone.

My therapist asked me to list some things that I hate about myself. So I will list them here.
1) I hate that I procrastinate.
2) I hate that I don't speak up when it is time to speak.
3) I hate that I wait and see what is going to happen rather than get involved.
4) I hate that I don't do the right thing at the right time.
5) I hate that I don't call my kids as often as I should.
6) I hate that this divorce has gone on so long.
7) I hate that I can be pretty messy.
8) I hate that I am forgetful.
9) I hate that I am not organized.
10) I hate that I have the keys for my success but am not organized to see it through.
11) I hate that I am not as fashionably savvy as I used to be.
12) I hate that I don't communicate effectively.
13) I hate that I don't stand up for myself all the time.
14) I hate that I can be pretty selfish at times.

So these are some things that I will be working on it. I know this is not 1000 words but I have homework to do.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Warning

I finished Juz 15 today. I missed a day or two in there. I have good news and bad news. The good news is that I will be able to pray Fajr all week, and the bad news is that I got selected for jury duty. Now I am excited and at the same time kind of peeved that I have jury duty. The reason that I am excited is because I have never done jury duty before. I stayed out late last night with some friends. So I'm Sleepy.

I reflected seriously on what I read today. I really did and I have to make some life adjustments. I don't think many of us truly realize what it means to become Muslim. Today it seemed that the whole Juz was talking to me. I mean the WHOLE thing. So naturally you have to realize that you have to reevaluate your life and decide what it is that you are going to do. I am in discussion with my wife to reconnect. I already told my lawyer to stand down from going through with the divorce. I'm not going to rant here on my blog because over time I have learned that it is not always the best thing to do. I know it may seem to make my blog dull and boring, but it saves some personal drama that I may have to go through.

I am also in / getting out of a different relationship in preparation to making my trip to California. ALL of the verses that slapped me in the face today were about Zinna. Now the best way to get out of Zinna is to never get into it. Once you are in a Zinna (Fornication/ adultery) it is difficult to get out. You don't just walk out, unless you are really mean or really strong. I am neither. I have said it. It is all understood, but like the energizer Bunny it just keeps going and going.

Actually I started this post two days ago and now I am trying to finish it up. Like I said that when you are in a Zinna relationship it keeps going and going. She doesn't want to leave because you are not a jerk and you are sweet and loving so why would she want to leave? You have to go because you are reading verses that say don't go near to Zinna and you are concerned that if you keep going that either your time to check out of this life will come around unexpected and you will have a lot of explaining to do (To which your skin will quickly clarify), or you will have to lie to yourself that all will be forgiven and keep going on in delusion, or finally admit that you are all in the wrong and just roll with it and be prepared to taste the consequences later. I am of the last group. I don't delude myself into thinking that my blatant disregard for commands of Allah will be passed by as simple foolishness. Dying suddenly (or on time I should say) is a concern but it does not overshadow the first position.

If you read the Quran on a daily there really isn't much you can delude yourself with. Really. You will know that you are doing wrong the moment you start any action. However you really have to read it and really reflect on what it is that Allah is saying. You need to think hard and deep. I find that upon reading the Quran that everything becomes clearer. You become more focused as to what is right and wrong. Then there is the little thing of age that I have become that gives me the wisdom to fully understand somethings.

I read Juz 16 yesterday and I reflected on it. I think that the most important thing in life is to reflect upon Allah. You need to respect when Allah keeps you from things. I look at my photography business. I realize that there are some things that I photograph that I probably shouldn't However I look at certain things like I am not in that moment or I am not in a place where my heart inclines to such things. I have no problem with half naked women to where I contemplate on them or desire them inappropriately. However if a brother who was taking me as a strong brother saw this and took me as a lead and was not able to separate his feelings from his job then I could see how it would be problematic.

There are so many things about this Deen that are incredible. We are all guilty of following some of the book and not other parts of the book. I hope as I grow in faith the parts of the book that I follow will greatly outweigh the parts that I don't.

I have Jury Duty after deliberation I will discuss with you some of what I observed.



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Dade County Court House

Monday, February 07, 2011

Growing





So I'm involved in this fashion show. The superbowl of fashion shows it is dubbed. The event is ok however it could be better. I was not really prepared for it. Some of my fellow photographers who go to these things all the time were prepared. They brought their big lenses and tripods, quantum flashes with battery packs and I didn't bring any of that stuff. I could have brought a strobe but. Hey I thought that fashion shows had no flash. I was looking at my lights too right before I left out, but you live and learn. I suppose the guys brought their stuff because they knew that it wasn't a formal fashion show.

So this year is my year of communication so after the event had started going on I am like to myself you need to start talking and stop being a wall flower so that you can achieve your dreams. It is not that I can't talk it is just that I don't really want to. I actually suppose, looking at it I have a fear of daily interaction. Spur of the moment conversations I can have however communication day in and day out like normal people gives me the willies. Not really, but I just don't make the effort to do it. Maybe that is why I have been with very talkative women, they talk and all I have to do is answer questions now and then.

So today I have jury duty. It turned out that I have never had jury duty and today is a bad time because if I am called it will be a criminal trial and then I will have to be there all day. Actually what is worse is that I may not get called again and have to wait all day. Vey! I have this photoshoot thing to do later on today. It doesn't look like I will get called so the good thing is that I will be able get all of my homework done for the week. This is the first time I have ever served on a jury so I'm kind of excited and looking forward to it.

What else has been going on in my life? Well this morning I didn't read my Quran I was getting the photos ready to come put on line. Then I did something incredibly stupid. I brought both my cameras with me to court. So dumb. I didn't want to leave them in the car so I brought them with me. Then they said nope no cameras which is stupid because any baliff can see a huge DSLR camera and would be less likely to see one of the many 5 megapixel camera phones snapping away like a photo fiend. So I'm like OMG I have about $5000 worth of camera equipment in my bag and if any of it comes up missing I am going to feel like a stupid ass. I am thinking that at lunch I will go and get my stuff and take it home and just pay for parking again.

Not called again that only means that I'm stuck waiting incessantly for some reprieve from the quiet room. We will see what happens. They are saying that they may call one more group and then they are going to lunch. In which case I will take my stuff home and come back. It will cost me another $5 bucks but at least I will have the peace of mind that my cameras are safe. I'm not looking forward to coming back here though.

Getting back to my 1000 words a day. I'm in class and I need to schedule a quiet time everyday so that I can blog. I feel that it is very necessary that I blog at least 1000 words a day. It is necessary because if you do so then you will be able to quickly organize your thoughts and put forth coherent statements. It also means that when someone wants you to write something you don't cringe at writing 5000 word essays. I haven't been writing and that is why my post is all over the place.

Well I've been called.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad



Tuesday, February 01, 2011

Snowflake

I have been forgetting to take my little keyboard with me for the last few days so I have not been blogging. It is almost 6 pm and I'm exhausted. I think though if I push myself to get some more stuff done I would be more rewarded that trying to take a nap now and then get stuff done only to blow out my bedtime of 10 o'clock. So this reconciliation thing is hit and miss. I don't know fully what is going on it is kind of like stumbling towards serenity.

I often question myself in terms of it. Am I doing it because I want to or am I going with the flow. This has been a recurring theme in my reading of the Quran this time. Why go with the flow? It is only going to land you in misery. Your Lord has given you every opportunity to succeed and praise Him and be successful there is no reason for the human being to not be so. I ask myself can I reconcile? Yes is the answer no problem, but why would you reconcile with someone whom you don't essentially trust. After all they were just doing what was natural to themselves, just as you may have been doing what was natural to yourself when you provoked them.

Then there is the recurring theme in the Quran that those in whom there is a disease will fall into the same traps over and over again. Regardless of how much light they see. There are verses where they see the Hellfire and they beg Allah to return so that they could do right, only to get the response that if they were to return they would return to that which they were doing. Then again in another verse where the hellfire has not even been seen only hardships and toils in this life were shown and still when the calamity was removed they returned back to that which they used to do. So I began wondering about this quality in people and more specifically how to break it if I am indeed one of these people.

You can't kill yourself or take some other beautiful short cut so you basically have to take the one road. Do what is right all the time without waiver and then you may be successful.

I told myself that I would clock my posts. I'm aiming for 1000 words a post, but I don't know if I will be able to sustain it throughout all of my posts. I know I can talk a lot but I don't know if I can talk for 1000 words just yet. Insha Allah I will be able to get up to my 1000 word goal without boring my readers to death.

The whole point of this post was the Snowflake. It doesn't have a purpose it only blows hither and yon. Flowing in whichever way life may take it. It doesn't fuss or complain and it stands up for nothing and quickly dissolves when any heat is applied. Thus is the life of the snowflake. Other than something to look at in mass it is nothing. By itself it represents nothing, It lays around often causing more damage than good. It is not a source of nutrients nor giving back. Little benefit is it to that which it lights upon. It only lays waiting to be transformed into something useful. If nothing changed it would wait forever a solitary snowflake just laying around. I don't wish to live my life as a snowflake. I wish to live and create heat. Not like all of those things like the snowflake frozen and still, not contributing to anything just existing and being a burden to wherever I may land. No that must not be me. I must live.

Salaam

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Home

Sunday, January 30, 2011

I need to keep my bedtime

So I imposed a bedtime on myself of 10pm right. I felt that if I went to bed a 10 then I would have enough energy to pretty much run my whole day. Well I always stay up 2 or more hours past curfew. So as I write this I am exhausted, and well I should be. It was time for me to go to bed and lo and behold I find myself up putzing about doing Allah knows what. So this morning I'm sleepy. I have finished Juz 7 and the only Ayat that sticks out for me is where Isa (AS) says to the disciples are you my helpers and they say yes and they ask for food to be shown that they are indeed special so that Allah will give them a sign from Him. Then Allah gives the condition that if they turn back or not do what they are commanded then they are going to have to pay consequences.

So I thought to myself how often do we do that? Oh Allah if you give me x and x then I will be so grateful. You will truly find me of the grateful servants if you give me xyz. So then a LOT of times Allah does give us xyz and what do we do? Carry on like it never even happened. This theme is repeated elsewhere in the Quran as well. I reflect on how many times I have called on Allah in dire need and have been delivered and wham I am out of my distress. Then what do I turn around and do? Nothing spectacular. I owe Allah so much right now I am in complete debt, in this life and in the hereafter. It is not even funny how bankrupt I am.

All of the things that I was supposed to do upon getting free that I have effectively put on the back burner of someday. We all have fallen into this trap. Like can we say that we will take each day to talk about Allah and invite someone to Islam? We should, each day we should do something. So I will start posting to Youtube again. I have been moved to do this so Insha Allah I will keep it up.

My daughter is praying now so I got her up for Fajr. I am sleepy though so I am going back to bed before they all get up and I get absolutely no sleep. I have a full cleaning day ahead of me.

Have a good day.

Salaam,

Muhammad


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Home

Saturday, January 29, 2011

The Call

I've read 2 Juz of the Quran. So obviously there is a lot of verses that I could quote so I will paraphrase a few of them. I'd rather for me to write a couple of reflections on a couple of verses. Unfortunately I missed yesterday so I have to a forgive myself for not doing what I said I would and picking up today and moving on. One of the things that I am figuring out with my counselor is that you have to forgive yourself and start each day over. I am learning that. Now what I studied in the last couple of days was one concerning my marriage. It was the verse where Allah says that hasn't He sent down 5 thousand angels and if that wasn't enough He would send down more. Well that is what is needed in this whole situation. The help of Allah all of it. I went to the morning Halaqa and I think that was the day before but it still applies in this situation, is where if you ask Allah for something you have to believe with a certainty that you will receive it.

I have been contemplating this reconciliation process and I have been really thinking about how it is going to have to go down. I love my wife but I don't believe her in what she tells me. How can you put a foundation on that. Where do you put your trust. So I thought about it. The only way that I would be able to do it is focus on the areas where I can reasonably trust her. Medicine, our kids, her career, her business. I'm not going into the rest for I've learned that some stuff is best not said in a domain like this. If this were a private blog then I would understand but it isn't anymore.

That is the only way that I can see it working any how. I went to Jummah the other day and it was a very good one. Basically the "what have you done for Islam lately" khutba. It was asked if Rasulullah were to come here today how would you feel about the things that you have done. So I reflected on it. If I was to go all out a couple of years ago where would I be. I used to be a daie and I called to Islam on the regular. I would have to admit that I was pretty forceful and probably not very caring in doing so. That may have been part of the reason that I stopped. However I used to do it. Then I had two conversions under my belt and I was proud of that. Or at least they became Muslims after I talked to them. Well I slowed down. Now I run a website called www.faithmadesimple.com where I do a little Dawah work and again I don't really know if it is effective. However I felt at least I would always be doing something rather than nothing. So I put it up. Now though I need to keep it up and contribute to it and blog about something everyday. However when you start running so many blogs it is very hard to keep up with everything. Unless you have time set aside to blog or you have a staff to do it.

I have been thinking about my site though and Ayat that I come across and just sharing a little here and a little there. Actually every Muslim who has sometime should spend a little time on line to say something. Then in that case you would always be doing Dawah. Even when you were sleeping. That is why I get on youtube so that I can always do something for Islam and Insha Allah increase my portion in the Jannah.

Well today has been a very big day. My daughter has learned how to kick off and ride her bike so far today. I would have been through with this blog earlier but that is an activity that requires a parent to be present. Riding with no training wheels.

Well kids are all around now. My daughter went with me to Fajr today so that was nice. I think that tomorrow my sister won't be here so that won't be possible.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Home

Friday, January 28, 2011

Zaytuna: Original post

I'm settling down into the reality of going to Zaytuna. They moved but I don't know what their new place looks like. They have two locations and neither one of them is listed as a Mosque. Of course you know that there are some serious prayers that go on there I just wonder if they have another facility around just for the prayers. I also wonder what the college is like and do they accept the Tuition Assistance. Will be interesting. I would think so with Sheik Zaid being ex-Air Force and all. We'll see.

Today I read and there were a couple of themes that stuck out for me. Mainly don't take anything bad and expect to get good out of it. This goes back to the whole lottery desire that I had a few days ago. Alhamdulillah the desire has dissipated. 2:267:

O you who believe! Spend of the good things which you have (legally) earned, and of that which We have produced from the earth for you, and do not aim at that which is bad to spend from it, (thought) you would not accept it save if you close your eyes and tolerate therein. And know that Allah is Rich (Free of all needs), and Worthy of all praise.

Why torture yourself? If you take that which is bad and close your eyes to it, you are pestered and bothered and like a stone in your bed it will bother you as long as you try to rest there. Remove the stone and sleep well. You will only get that which you will have. Griselda Blanco is probably the most wealthiest person in crime (after the Rockefellers) but she can only enjoy so much each day and chances are she is still alive so that her evil deeds wrap around her neck until she is completely doomed on the Day of Judgement. If I would have won the lottery then I would have lamented over every dollar I spent. Knowing myself that is how it would have went down.

I went to Fajr prayer this morning as I am off due to a massive cold and fever. (So I went to the Masjid to spread the love) No. Alhamdulillah I didn't cough while I was there. I wanted to make that effort because the angels come down and take inventory at that time and I wanted to be included in the number. I also got to pray with them which is awesome. After the Salaat we studied some hadith. The hadith was about doubt (not really but this is what I got out of it) It said that when you ask Allah for anything have certainty that you will get it and be not in doubt, for if you doubt the prayer or dua will not be answered. That really stuck with me for how many times have I prayed NOT BELIEVING that which I was praying for would be delivered. Not that I didn't believe it is just that I had doubt about it. I find within myself that it is funny that when I pray for small things I have complete conviction that they will be delivered to me, like when I lose things or when I'm looking for a parking spot. I never have to worry about such things ever. However when I am really in trouble I doubt and surprisingly the more doubt I have the longer it takes to be delivered from the hardship. So basically when you pray or ask dua know with certainty that you will be delivered or you will get better than that which you ask.

The Imam continued in the hadith. The hadith went on to talk about asking for forgiveness and to not stop asking for forgiveness. Even if you are doing wrong and you know that you are doing wrong ask for forgiveness and have in your heart a hatred for the wrong you are doing and ask Allah to save you from it for the Shaytan will come along and try to convince you that because you are sinning and you know that you will continue sinning that Allah won't accept your forgiveness because you are actively sinning. This is not true, ask for forgiveness and ask for help. I know that I need to be married or else I will most probably commit adultery in some way shape form or fashion. So even if I do commit adultery each time that I commit it I should seek forgiveness and what happens is my heart inclines towards Allah and I seek a way out of committing adultery (i.e. marriage or break-up). That is just the way that it is. If you heart is towards Allah you will find a way out of every sinful distraction. The keys are never stop praying for Allah has not placed in mankind two hearts.

Then he went on to say there is a flip side to asking for forgiveness and that is the Jacob brothers phenomena where I openly choose to sin with the intention of asking for forgiveness later. This mentality also will be the undoing for a believer. You will not be able to continue to sin and take Allah for granted for you will grow in insincerity. It will consume your heart and all acts of worship will become void as they will mean nothing to you and they will mean nothing to Allah either.

The big lesson for today pray and believe with true conviction that the help of Allah is near. Have no doubts about the help of Allah and your duas will be answered.

It appears that BlogPress saves a local copy that can only be accessed in iTunes. So here is all of what I wrote.



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Home

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Polygamy's Fallen

Well now that I'm blogging again I am doing some house cleaning on my links and what do you know I have found. 6 of my links of poly sisters are dead. Well I got to go and erase those off of the link list. Safa needs to be moved to a new section she's not poly anymore either. Then there is me and my wife. Well the reconciliation is on. Notably without polygynous attachments. The agreement is the same as it ever was don't beg me to marry your friends and there will be no polygamy.

I went to counseling and one of the things that came out of it was be true to yourself. Honestly I'm a polygamist at heart. Not so much now because I'm working with a lot less heart most of that has been ripped up by the roots. However if I were offered or in my case begged to enter into a polygamous relationship I would. Even more so now after all that I've gone through. I realize that what people say bothers them doesn't really, and we can live with much more than we think that we can. Pride is the only inhibitor of some relationships.

When I look at the whole situation I realize that we humans are much more polygamous then we would like to admit both males and females. So it is what it is.

Peace

Zaytuna

Wow if BlogPress Crashes on you like this one just did you are screwed because it doesn't save where you are or what you wrote. So the readers digest version for everyone.

2:267 Don't take the bad stuff that you will feel guilty about because you will never get to enjoy it.

Went to fajr today and received some hadith about prayer and dua. If you pray have full conviction that you will receive that which you ask for or better otherwise you won't get it.

Even if you are actively sinning still ask for forgiveness because Shaytan will try to convince you that you are toast because you are such a sinner. Allah will save you if you ask.

Don't become arrogant that Allah will forgive you so that you intend on sinning and asking for forgiveness later. That will remove faith from your heart.

I'm looking forward to going to Zaytuna.

Yeah this post was much longer than this but BlogPress crashed and I lost all that I wrote. So there.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Home

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Reconciliation

I finished Juz 2 today and this is funny because I am going through my history of whom visits my site and it is back to normal no one does. Except those looking for the repair of a Dell adapter. That's fine I suppose that is better than a whole bunch of people coming in and checking out what is going on in my life. So anyway I read Quran today and the Ayat that jumped out at me was 2:231:

And when you have divorced women and they have fulfilled the term of their prescribed period, either take them back on reasonable basis or set the free on reasonable basis. But do not take them back to hurt them, and whoever does that, then he has wronged himself. And treat not the Verses (Laws) of Allah as a jest, but remember Allah's Favours on you (i.e. Islam), and that which He has sent down to you of the Book (i.e. the Quran) and Al-Hikmah (the Prophet's Sunnah - legal ways - Islamic jurisprudence) whereby He instructs you. And fear Allah, and know that Allah is All-Aware of everything.

Basically what I got out of this is if you take your wife back you have to be all in. You can't straddle the fence. Now after everything that we've gone through we are at the point of what is going on. I have to decide whether or not I can do it, and the thing is that I know I can. I still love my wife and I think that we can make it work it is just trusting in Allah to make it all better.

I've been talking to a counselor and she recommends that I speak to a psychologist and I have put that into the works. This is for my A.D.D I really have to get it under control. I have found that the more things change the more they stay the same, but all and all is keeping a positive outlook. I realize that I cast negativity onto situations in my life that affects their outcome. I have been given orders to Alameda, 17 minutes away from Zaytuna which I am looking forward to being an active part of that community. I am looking forward to being close to Sheik Zaid and Sheik Hamza however from what I understand they are very busy people always traveling and hardly there most of the time, but still I am looking forward to it.

So the way things look is that I will get back with my wife and call it a day. We had the polygamy talk again and I said that my position is the same as it has always been. If you don't beg me to marry someone I won't. The only difference now is I won't fantasize about it.

Life goes on, my kids are more important than the headache of women. I have been through so much during these last three years. My attitude has changed. I regret not keeping to my studies and prayers (my effort in them not forsaking them), but I am looking at it all as a learning experience. Jonah taught us well. There is no escape from Allah except to Him. Realize the True Reality and submit completely to Him.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Home

Monday, January 24, 2011

Yahud

So I started over reading the Quran and finished up Juz 1 and there are some things that stuck out while I was reading. I don't have my Quran with me. I have one on my iPad but I have found errors in the translation so I don't really want to quote it. There is one Ayat that jumped out at me and that was 2:44 where it is stated that you order righteousness and forget to practice it yourselves and you are studying the scripture have you no sense?

So this Juz talks a lot about the Jewish mindset and the psychology that has to be present in order to be carried out. In essence it is an outward showy worship practice and it is a mindset that can be embodied in anyone. It comes when someone makes the statement "I am". It really doesn't matter what follows the statement the fact of what is left is a projection which may be true or false. Also embodied in the mindset is faith through confessions but are baseless in actions. We must be warned that anyone of us can fall into the mindset. Get up make wudu go to Salaat come home and it have no effect on the persons heart.

Then another thing that I notice in the Juz about them is that they believe but they have no trust in the power of Allah. In other words I believe but I don't trust that you are going to take me out of this difficulty so I am going to do what I have to do to survive. Give me salvation, give me sustenance, give me wealth, but I don't believe that you are going to get me to where I need to be. So that is the case with the Yahud. Belief without faith.

When you are in this mindset you have to justify what it is you are doing, because you can't really carry on like that with what is written in the book so logic states that you will have to contort the standard to support what it is that you are doing. For without faith you can legitimize just about anything if you begin to lie to yourself. So then the whole faith thusly follows that logic. Can't do X, but you can if you follow this special circumstance.

I couldn't do it. I never represented myself that what I was doing would be forgiven later. I would not submit to feel good or that I would be forgiven later. So this is the lesson that I learned from my reading this morning.

Last night I broke up with my girlfriend and learned a great deal about myself. It was harder than I thought. I got the strength from Allah but I learned that my jacked upness has gone back much longer than currently. I'm getting better. I still have a long way to go though and I need to get a spine from somewhere. I go with the flow too much and going with the flow where Allah is concerned will land you in the Hellfire. So I'm still reading Quran and getting the wisdom that it puts out and Alhamdulillah it is awesome. I will read it again in english and then I will start to read it in Arabic. I don't think I will be able to do that in 30 days though. Next I need to read the Seerah. Well I have to go back to work now. If I keep writing like this I will be ready for school.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Miami Beach

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Reeds

Two Blogs in one day what is this? I have finished the Quran it is indeed a Mighty book. I pray that we gain in patience and that Allah make us of those who are devoutly obedient to our duty to Him. There are many things that stuck out today when I was reading. I was not in complete relaxation and I was kind of looking for something so the ayat didn't just jump out and slap me like they normally do, but several concepts were represented.

1. I need to break up with my girlfriend and I ask myself she's a great girl but is she worth going to the Hellfire over? NNNNNope can't really say that she is.
2. How the world will end. I have been formulating this hypothesis for a while and I am almost positive that our world will end when a black hole comes into our universe and does those things which are in the Quran. Ie. Rips off our atmosphere, defeats our sun and moon, causes smoke from the earth being sucked out into outer space, it will be inescapable, The mountains will shatter to dust and the earth will be stretched out flat, the seas will boil over and the sky will burn up. All of the signs as I see them frankly are from a black hole swallowing our planet and sun. It is dark because no stars will be seen.

Now if you look at it this way if you have a car driving down the street on a dark night with its high beams on and there is a tractor trailer truck tailgating him painted matt black with its lights off that is how this event will go down. The truck will never be seen. Such is the situation here. I want to collect some more data, but my gut is totally committed to this.

3. As a man thinketh so is he. The statement of the Prophet that states that Allah says that I am as my servant thinks of me. If He is positive then positive manifestations will be bestowed on him and if he is niggardly then his blessings are slow in coming.

I am seriously thinking about going back to my wife now. Now maybe the best time for there is no more pain at this point, no baggage, Hurt is dead, and at this point it is really the best time for reconciliation to happen. I'm going slow and it seems that she is having a white day sale and I'm broke. Well not really broke just not ready to spend any real money. We are talking though so that is something that is better. I'm praying about it so pray you with me please.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Home

The Favor

Salaam

Did not Allah bring you out of the Prison when you were concerned about your safety.

Three days were your worry and Allah delivered you from that.

Then which of the favors of Allah do you then deny.

Did not He guard you in your youth.

Then which of the favors of Allah do you then deny.

Did He not make the ways of the wicked seem wrong.

Then which of the favors of Allah do you then deny.

Did he not keep you free from the desire of intoxicants.

Then which of the favors of Allah do you then deny.

And when you were want to be as the other children did He not seal you in your fitra.

Then which of the favors of Allah do you then deny.

It is Allah who brings you out of darkness and provides all of your needs. He is there when you call upon Him and is swift in bringing you the knowledge of where you are in error.

Then which of the favors of Allah do you then deny.

Was not Allah there when you sought to make a haram affair correct, and from it He blessed you with youth. Obedient to you and of good nature.

Then which of the favors of Allah do you then deny.

And you desire wealth in abundance whilst you understand its worth, for you asked Him for understanding and thus it was given. Why then rebel you against your fitra? Whenever a wind blows you this way or that you follow your lusts knowingly to your own destruction.

You rebel against your lusts with no firm resolve. You rebel and turn again unto your lusts. In the hour of night you keep your salaat. In a weak state then growing stronger and stronger, then unto your Lord you call and He returns to you sending you angels to warn and they move you in your heart, but you insist and turn a deaf ear. Returning to your lusts vainly feeling that your account will be resolved later, but you surely have no patience for such reckoning.

Then which of the favors of Allah do you then deny.

Verily you were totally lost until Allah opened your heart to His Deen, and you swore a mighty oath to blaze the path to Him, and had you been faithful and steadfast surely you would have found with Allah all that your heart could hold of satisfaction. You feared and turned away, this due to your lusts for the treasures of this world. What! When that which is with Allah is better than all that is in this world present for your eyes to see or that you can dream in your mind! How act you? Turn away from any such rebellion or you will walk the path of Shaitan and he will ruin you in this world completely and when you return to your Lord you will be a manifest loser.

Do you recall when you woke in the night for Tahajjud and the angels were with you though you could not see them. You drew near to Allah the length of the earth with each Rakat and your soul was totally at ease.

Then which of the favors of Allah do you then deny.

And you were consumed with your lusts and you asked Allah to save you.

Then which of the favors of Allah do you then deny.

He blessed you with a wife that increased you in faith. You both rising for tahajjud and you increased each other in faith.

Then which of the favors of Allah do you then deny.

He gave you work that made it easy for you to keep the limits of Allah.

Then which of the favors of Allah do you then deny.

Yet you were ungrateful looking at that Allah bestowed on others unhappy with that which you were given. Did you not see that He always provided for your need and there was little that distressed you.

Then which of the favors of Allah do you then deny.

La ILaha ILLaLah There is none worthy of worship but He.

Your heart distressed you turned back and became of those who were Kafirun, neglectful of the Right and woeful for the future and your heart you set to seal, but Allah has placed a light therein that will not be sealed nor shut. You found that vast as the earth was around it constrained you and everywhere you turned was the truth. Indeed Allah has purchased in you a great reward. So do that which you are commanded while you can return to the Lord of all of the worlds. Do not seek that which is not your portion be patient with your portion and it will be delivered to you directly. And Verily your Lord is with you. So be not of those who in pain reject and close their hearts and die with misery in this world and in the hereafter are amongst the Losers.

Forsake your bed at the ends of the night and rise with the Angels so that you may attain true strength and clear sight and that you may fulfill that which you are commanded.

And Worship Allah with life undaunted and Follow the Messenger with true balance.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Home

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Ipad Review

Wrote a while ago when I first got it. Lightly edited.


I own an Ipad, but frankly if I had known about the Notion Ink Adam tablet first I would have bought this over the Ipad. Why, don’t get me wrong the Ipad is a great product in its own right, however I believe that they imposed
too many limitations on it from a functional obsolescence stand point.
Frankly it is comparable to a third or fourth generation Palm with a
lot of memory. Single thread stability is a predictable plus. But tiny
apps on a Gigabyte system allows you to put a ton of useless junk on
it. Then rant about how fantastic it is.

My personal beefs with the Ipad.
1. Non Functional proprietary restrictive bluetooth. Hmm I’ve got a
bluetooth device, I’ve got a bluetooth phone, I can sync them and dump
or update my contacts Right? Wrong I could do this on palm without
special apps but not the Ipad.

2. I have a network printer, but no apps come with a printer function
I have to buy that separate. And even now that they have it you have to have a special WIFI printer in order for it to work. Bogus.

3. No SD card input built in, Even your cheesiest palm, phone,
eReader, MP3 player come with this, Really! Not even a cute little
mini sd card.

4. I have to give them props though as a native pirate I have actually
bought more apps with this device than I have on all of my computers
I've purchased, EVER. Seriously, I don’t know if that is a bad thing,
but yes sucks for pirates. I even Jailbroke my iPad but the hassle of losing all of your programs with every update is a pain so I stopped doing the Jailbreak shuffle.

5. This is a big one. The Calendar, Contacts, Tasks databases aren’t
really optimized or formalized. If three different apps access
whatever rudimentary database there is the outcomes are abysmal. With
palm the databases were pretty standardized so whatever app was your
comfort zone the end result would be the same AND IT WOULD SYNC!!!!
Actually I do not believe that there is a native Tasks database at all
and that SUCKS Donkey Balls!!!

6. Proprietary sync software Itunes I have hated ITunes since it came
out (Long before mp3 players), I still Hate ITunes and forcing me to
use it pisses me off, but that comes with the territory.

7. No Access to file structure, understandable to ensure optimum
equipment performance in the hands of techno-phobes, but techies like
to know what they are dealing with so they can tweak it.

8. No Flash, which basically means that half the internet is off
limits or one irritating thing, you download an article with a flash
slideshow and you get a piece of the article and are left with a big
WTF is the rest of the article. It isn’t until you lug out your laptop
or primary computer that you can figure out what in the world is going
on on the page.

9. No accessible file structure means you can’t just download any old
thing off the internet, because if the pad doesn’t like it You get
DENIED. Which is a pain because that means you can’t download
something store it in your glorified thumbdrive for sync and deal with it later on your primary platform.

10. Not enough piratable apps out there yet. :) Had to put that in there.

11. Inability to play just about any video file. The video on this has
to be in a special IPOD/IPAD format which means no drag and drop. You
have to convert and then transfer your file. Any AVI won't do. This is
a big pain because the software that I've found sucks up all the
computer resources and converting is pretty much all the machine can
do until it is done. Bogus. Now with VLC player this is possible. Not when I first wrote this little tirade.

The basic jist of the IPad is a money funnel into Apple and that is
fine and all. It just isn’t my cup of tea, because it means
limitations. Limitations that I don’t necessarily like or want, but am
enslaved to.

I won’t say the negatives without the positives though.

1. Jailbreaking Rocks!! Always trying to buck the system I am.

2. Screen resolution is great. Sucks I can’t use my wacom stylus though.

3. Has lots of OK apps. Nothing like good old DateBK 6, but plenty of
apps to say the least.

4. As a book, article reader this thing is superb. The reading
experience is awesome and intuitive. Now all of my pdf books can
actually be read. Reading pdf's on the desktop/ laptop is a pain but
the IPad makes reading a beautiful experience.

5. I haven't watched video yet except Youtube but the video there rocks.

6. I have found and paid for apps that are very functional even though
the business productivity apps are a bit disjointed and don't connect
well to all functions. I.E tie in Contacts, Calendar, Email, Todo into
a database.

7. After 6 Months of using the iPad I can honestly say that it is the most used computer in the house. You don't think so but it is much easier to snuggle up to than a 17" behemoth laptop. More portable too. In fact it has replaced all of my day to day computing like blogging and net surfing and email. So much so that I only pull up the laptop when I have to edit photos in light room. I would never touch my laptop if I could transfer raw files straight to my computer in light room fashion.

Things that I can say about this thing is get a good case for it. Bald it cute but everybody knows you have an iPad for one and they fall for two. This iPad has survived road trips and 3 year olds and it is still kicking strong. The scariest moment was a distant tapping from a 3 year old only to look up to one word being exclaimed by his what's the big deal face; ROCK! tap tap tapping on the glass of my iPad. It survived with only a small scratch on the glass which you would actually have to search for. Since then it has survived taking turns of my kids.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad