Friday, October 28, 2011

Ho no More

So there I was in the pit of my dysfunction and I walked this walk to find ou
t that no I'm not a Ho and nor can I be. There is too much lying necessary and too much deceit and I just can't do that. I enjoy telling the truth, it allows my to live my life de-conflicted. To live your life without conflict is the only way to make progress in this life. So I am falling back on track.

I have learned much in the past 60 days since I got here to California. I've learned that what I do in my relationships is what I do in life. Consequently perfecting my relationship with my Creator means that I will perfect my relationships in life. I learned that I am not present and I disengage my feelings for the protection of myself, but in doing so I alienate myself and everyone around me. I have changed my course and charged myself to be present at all times. Just as being present in prayer allows me to become closer to my Lord, being present in the moment allows me to become closer to those whom I'm in a relationship with.

I spent a greater part of my life saying that I don't care out of the pain of my parents divorce and the manifestation of my social alienation. i said that I don't care but I longed for the love and support that I could only see from afar. I am now working to nurture my relationships and become more loving and more transparent as an individual and to live my life without conflict so that I can give to everyone what they need within my means to give. So that I can love the women in my life in a manner that they are worthy of. To embark on business ventures so that everyone can receive the most from the transaction.

So I find myself in two relationships, one with the girl that I was going to throw away as a disposable relationship. I have taken pause and listened and I see so much value in her as an individual. Each morning we pray together and also each night. I have shared my religion with her something that I have not done to anyone else. She is very spiritual and she has allowed me to learn quite a bit about myself. She has accepted the fact that I am a polygamist and she loves me just as I am and I am thankful for that so I send my prayers on her.

My first girl is this beautiful Muslim sister that I know and have met from NC and she is my heart. She is an Alfa female and is radiant in her own light. Very cute and dear to my heart. I love her and she is my beloved. She is NOT down with polygamy and I don't really know how to accept that. I was honest with her and she knows that I'm a polygamist, but is pressuring me to decide which way to go. I told her the truth and then retracted it so that I wouldn't lose her, but now I am wondering if I should just tell her that I cannot not be a polygamist because I'm so fine with it. At this point of my life and everything that I've gone through it is almost as if I feel it is owed to me. So chances are I will go on and do it. I just need to let her know. Even though I don't want to lose her.

A third girl who has no religion at all I have reconciled to be only friends with. We don't date, occasionally we go out and talk, but I don't feel that there can be a foundation without some foundation in God. She's nice and her story is remarkable. In that she is an inspiration. There has been no talk of romance so I don't feel that I'm leading her on or anything. I don't know the laws of women though. Perhaps if I told her that I had two other women that I was considering she may begin to feel some kind of loss. Who knows.

I have a new mantra that I was thinking about putting on a bumper sticker. Do what you love and Invest wisely. It is simple but so true.

Well I'm at work and I need to do some. I hope to blog quite often in the coming weeks. I may buy the season of Sisterwives so that I can see what works and what doesn't in poly marriages. I'm in Oakland now. Perhaps I'll put up some pictures of my place when I go home and clean it up a bit. Well until then I will see you all later.

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Location:Spencer Rd,Oakland,United States

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