Thursday, July 31, 2008

Getting to Acceptance

I went to the counselor on Tuesday and I spent my hour just getting most of it out all the way up to the second polygamy proposal to "The Selected Sister" just when it was starting to get into the current situation my time was up. So I'm sure that my next session will just cover the current situation, by my third session a legal divorce will be finalized most probably. I will keep going because I have to work through some issues and everything. I have to get to the bottom of the polygamy thing and my socialization. This is my second marriage where the subject of polygamy has interacted with other problems and led to divorce. So I think it is about time for an intervention. Maybe I should have just kept the two girlfriends that I had and called it good, they were happy, maybe if I would have just talked to them about it, but my Deen wouldn't leave me alone, so I didn't and plus I wouldn't have such beautiful kids to spend the rest of my life with.

So my ex-wife and I were having this discussion about me and polygamy, where she was saying that she didn't see the correlation between my frustration with a family problem and how polygamy would solve it. Now this is a perfectly logical question, because this is the same thing that happened in the first marriage. There was a situation of frustration in the marriage an unresolvable or reoccurring issue and instead of deciding to come to a cease and desist resolution or going to extensive counseling about the issue I used polygamy or more appropriately the fantasy of polygamy as an escape. Now if I look at it the polygamy thing is twofold there is the therapeutic fantasy aspect of polygamy and then there is the sexual aspect of polygamy. Both issues address two of my core issues as I would think. The first the lack of a feeling of family and loneliness that I felt as an only child of divorced parents so there is a need to be involved in very close intimate relationships. The second because my social skills are so lacking sex (because I started masturbating at a very young age, good news through what I have went through with my wife I have stopped completely, finally) became my only socialization outlet however it was only fantasy based, but as a result my interactions with women have always been very sexual and it satisfied a very basic core need. Now I am a faithful person. I don't believe in spreading love all around town so I couldn't have one-night-stands or anything. I have had them and the suck. I need a deeper connection however I have a hard time in developing those types of relationships. Maybe during this time of healing I will learn to be able to do that. Maybe during this time where I keep everyone at an arms length that is something that I can do. Insha Allah.

So how was polygamy going to solve our problems? How do you go to polygamy from I've got a flat so I need to get an extra wife to fix this? That in essence was the question that my wife proposed to me. At this point I am left to wrestle with making sense of it all. I am left to rationalize if this isn't something that you absolutely needed then why did it come up so much? How serious was this issue? Now I am looking at it as a non-issue because whenever I talked about it, it remained in the far off fantasy place in my head that I created from way back. The core fantasy I call it. It was the same and it never changed for over 30 years. In over 30 years of my sexual fantasy world the fantasy has been the same with slight moderations here and there. Usually only associated to locations on the planet or how it all came into existence but the core fantasy was the same. I was a facilitator of excellence for women, in other words I would take them in from wherever they were, teach them to be their best and excel in whatever field that they wanted to excel in, they would love me for it and accept me and they would be under no obligation to stay, but they would because they loved me, and they would if they so chose fulfill any needs that I had, either singularly or as a team. That is the core of the fantasy there are many other twists and variations of it, but they usually become doctors and lawyers, scientist or engineers, sheikas or whatever. That since the discovery of my happy parts has been the fantasy, obviously starting out very simple and then progressing to the more complex as I aged, but that has been it. I have never fantasized about a monogamous relationship. So that being the case it became my happy place so when there is a problem that is where I go. Nevermind the complete irrational nature of trying to satisfy 30 or more (when the fantasies were really complex) independent professional women. The fact was they all loved me. I suppose in some twisted way my blog satisfies that. Women come here they gain some insight and go off and use it in their own lives with no obligation at all. However I get the most hits off of Dog the Bounty hunter and his mentioning of nigger and how to repair your Dell AC adapter. So actually I'm not that famous, but it feels good to know that around 25 people a day come to check me out and what ramblings I have. Funny after I became Muslim the structure of this harem changed, only four could be wives and the rest had to sign papers agreeing to be possessions of the right hand. Anything to make it work but it had to reconcile with Islam, weird. Oh and lastly I got to keep all of my children from this arrangement, even if after 7 or menstrual period for girls. So many rules.

Anywayz so in these two marriages there was an issue that I was unsuccessful at resolving and it plagued me and I didn't know how to get a resolution to it. So I began to fantasize about polygamy and Big Love really helped it out. Now you can see if I am full of BS or not by reading back through my blog and then you can ask some really tough questions. When you are self-analyzing you tend to rationalize yourself in ways that suit yourself, but reading back you can see where it really all is about. So the polygamy thing created a shift in focus, because in my polygamous fantasy there are never any problems. No feelings ever gets hurt, there are more than enough hands to help out with childcare and the chores and there is more than enough love to go around, and so since we are all together there is this love upon love situation. This kind of a love emanating entity that brings love and peace to all involved, and then there is the sex too, but with a house full of kids how much can that really be? I really hated being an only child which is why I have 5 kids of my own now. I ponder that if I ever get to a point where I am ready to marry again will I have more children. Probably so because I love kids. That however is a gamble. Life though is full of them.

So I ran to my happy place and then of course I was happily married with the exception of this thing that was frustrating me and I couldn't explain how my happy place didn't have to be a reality, and that I wanted it, but it was not that serious or at least not serious enough to destroy a marriage. So this is a delicate situation and in this period of reinventing myself I need to differentiate between resolving issues and delving into fantasy. Maybe I should get a male friend (I have none other than acquaintances) who I can tell the dark secrets of my mind or at least the stuff that would normally upset a wife. Maybe my next wife won't know about my blog. I have a private blog but I never write in it, probably because I am always looking forward to comments.

So problems are problems and they need to be addressed as they are and not deferred to some other smoke screen. I supposed that in my situation I guess that I had hoped that the other wife would have been able to help me handle the original problem while my first wife could concentrate on something else, or that her attention would be diverted and the problem could be solved or maybe I was just trying to run away from the problem altogether, because I knew that I didn't have sufficient funds to marry anyone else and it was just that a fantasy. So insha Allah in the next couple of months I hope to get to the bottom of this psychosis and eliminate it from my life so that IF perchance I get married again I won't make the same mistakes again. I don't think I will get married again legally though because it is a serious hassle and I don't think I will be making any promises against polygamy since OBVIOUSLY it is something that I am interested in. I think I will just leave it as if it happens it happens and if it doesn't then it doesn't, but if it does I will do it right and do my best and love each as best as I can and that is all that I can do.

My divorce I believe is going to go through. We both have some serious issues to work on and I don't think she is serious about reconciling so I have to do what I need to do to make myself a better person and Muslim. We will see. I had a meeting with some friends of mine and in it I went through the Kubler-Ross stages of grief. They went through the details of my situation and said we accept anything that you decide but you have to answer the question "What is it that you want to do, what do you want to see happen" and in pondering that question I went through the stages Denial, I skipped anger because I believe that the situation is attributed to something that can only be redressed with therapy on both parts most possibly, Barganing, Depression at what is going on and what my kids are going through but they are going to be ok and then finally acceptance.

Got to go Grandma has breakfast ready.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Time apart leads no help

She's over there and I'm over here and when we are apart our house of cards comes crashing down. I ask Allah for afia from this. The hurt is boundless and as my heart expands it allows more pain to rush in. My father gave me assurances that pain won't just stop. So you have to learn how to cope with it. Whether we stay together or separate we will still be in pain. I know I will at least. I love her so much. I'm afraid of her, I am hurt so bad and so is she, and she is afraid of me. Good grief pray for us.

Monday, July 28, 2008

I love her like nobody's business

I'm hurt, pained, jaded, upset, fearful and the list goes on and on, but at the end of the day, I love her like nobody's business. I can't live without her, her nose, her face her smile, her two front teeth, her hair, the way she feels in my arms, the sound of her voice, her big eyes. Like nobody's business. Yes I am afraid of her, yes I have been hurt, but my heart doesn't care. It is ridiculous. I have never been in this place, and it is not getting better. Today and yesterday were my time to cry and beg and plead, but she said no, at least to that day. Now we have to review the testimony of the experts who aren't going to tell us anything that we don't already know. We can't forget, we are stuck in a hole and can't move on. At the end of the day I love her like nobody's business.

My heart takes the slung mud and makes them into bricks and it says that these are the bricks that we will use to build a new house. It takes the broken glass and lays it into a beautiful stained glass mural of a new beginning. It takes the stench of the fecal matter shaytan has spread all around and uses it for fertilizer in a beautiful garden arrangement. At the end of the day I love her like nobody's business.

I have never loved so hard before. Everyone else was early dismissal, a walk away relationship. I cannot fathom being here with anyone else. I'm so hurt, but I love her so much. The tears pour out of my face and I thought the last one was gone, but it is like a tsunami or something. I've cried so much I can't piss. I can't let her go, I don't want to. She is like a tiger, very beautiful and majestic from afar. However up close and personal she can hurt me like no one else can on this planet, and no one ever will be able to again. At the end of the Day I love her like nobody's business.

I need to get away and take some time. I'm going to ask her to take the kids or have my Mom watch them tonight so that I can go and see the sunset and possibly pray in the Masjid for Isha, but mostly just some time to think. She feels so good in my arms, I cannot imagine anyone else in them sleeping so peacefully. Then I want to just go over there and love it all away, but I suppose we need to get married again Islamically. I love her, just the way she is, with all of her flaws and bad qualities and good ones. I love all of her fears and I accept her just the way that she is. They say if you love someone set them free, and so you try and it is the hardest thing to do. Maybe I should just let her go and spread her wings and shine on and be the beautiful person she is. I don't own her and all my marriage I have held her with an open hand and even though she has sunk her talons into me so that my hand is bleeding, still, at the end of the day I love her like nobody's business.

It is a travesty of the justice of love to let this go, but maybe it is something that we must both accept, but I know this from now until they put me in the ground no matter how ugly things get between us, at the end of the day I will still love her like nobody's business. And that is the truth.

I love you Sakinah, know that.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

The hardest thing ever Done!

We reconciled yesterday. All of the facts lay out on the table, my mind doesn't believe them, but my heart doesn't care. Ego and arrogance want things to remain the way that they are, but sometimes you have to sacrifice those things for the greater good. Needless to say this whole debacle has completely ended any prospects for polygamy, but it has ended some other things too so I suppose that it is good. I will have to take things one day at a time, putting one foot in front of the other.

We have agreed to counseling both couples and individual which we both really need. I'm still very angry, but it is what it is. I'm hurt very much, but this too shall pass. With hardship comes ease. I don't know if I will be pleasing Allah or not by this decision. Soon it will be made manifest to me, because it has all this time. Over and over again.

Today is a day for regrowth, so we will see what Allah has for us and for me. We will see. I am supposed to go over there with all of our stuff today. I am so guarded, there is no trust, but sometimes you just have to walk out there. Even though you may get shot in the head, you still have to try. Someone has to reciprocate when steps are made. Even if it is a ruse, then you will get your reward from Allah. Not really looking to martyr myself though, but sometimes the biggest risk brings the biggest reward.

It was not easy because I still love her with all of my heart and my heart could care less what is going on with my intellect it is going to keep on loving her like the first day. I may be entering a new life of pain and I know I will feel some, but I must press on. Day by day, minute by minute. I will learn the things that went wrong and I will fix them so that I do not make a mistake again. I may love again if we falter, but I think I will be one of those old guys sitting in the masjid saying shoulda, woulda coulda and asking Allah for some semblance of Afia.

Love is what it does they say. The divorce class states that first marriages fail at a rate of 60%, second marriages at a rate of 75% and subsequent marriages at a rate of 99% most probably because people don't take pause to fix what is wrong within themselves. Maybe that is what I should have done after my first marriage, but I didn't so you live and you learn.


Someone asked me what is our purpose here and that is to serve Allah. Then they recited the hadith about the best reason to marry a woman in the first place and that is for their Deen. Not their looks or their money or their lineage. Islamically we are completely divorced, the Iddah has totally passed, so I suppose this hadith has the most bearing now. I however have no Sheiks to ask these questions to, and Allah may have facilitated that. I felt pushed and rushed like a high pressure sales tactic and my heart betrayed me so I have decided to go back. I really want to and go back to what we had. I really do. I really, really do, but there is a nagging to wait and pause and think and reflect. In the end you ask yourself will you ever be in love this way again? Will you ever gain the favor of Allah for a beautiful relationship again? Should you keep the children within the love of their parents? So many questions that only time will answer.
So you rationalize how long will you have to wait, before you love like this again, who are you going to Love and you balance the love you once knew and the Promise of Allah and you hope that they are both the same. Insha Allah. So I went on with my decision.

Make dua for us and we will make dua for you.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Now I know why that is...

I now know why it makes sense for women to be exempted from the Mosque. Last week I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off and I missed Jumuah and now making it to the Masjid for Salaat is daunting at best. I make it when I take my girls to school for now. It is a production, but things are shifting into high gear so I will have to shift my but to get down to the Masjid and get every single hassanah I can get.

Allah has made His position known. I had a moment of weakness, compassion, nostalgia whatever you want to call it. I went over there to have a full uninterrupted talk. We talked, cried kissed caressed and I almost said, okay let's give this thing another shot. I held her in my arms and she felt sooooo good. She slept in my lap and she looked so beautiful. I love her so much. You know how you are sometimes in a relationship and after a while you are like ehh yeah that's the other half. That completely taken for granted, that's my love feeling. Well with her I love her like the first day, she is still just as beautiful as the first day, just as cute as the first day. Her eyes shine just as brightly as the first day, Her skin is just as soft as the first day, and my heart has completely betrayed my logic because it cares nothing about what was said or done. Then so you fear that you will never again love another like this, or two more you know I've just got to throw that out there. LOL. You will never again be this completely and totally in Love, but Allah had His hand in this meeting and after all of the kissing and loving and petting we are still on the road to divorce and furthermore it has shifted from low to high gear.

We were fine we had done the things that were necessary, we were cordial and adultlike and then the last nail in the coffin. She fired a volley for the kids, now all bets are off. Not without my kids is the title of this fight and I'm not going to go into any detail about this, but it is openly apparent that Allah does not want this union to be repaired and if that is the case, I really don't want to know what He has prepared for her, but I fear for her and I pray that Allah has mercy on her. I'm really sorry that it has come to this, but I will do everything in my power to ensure that my children do not suffer. They have been through enough and they need a break. I will be going to the divorce class this Saturday and I will call about counseling for my children today.

Everything happens for a reason, soon we will know why...

Please make dua for us and I will make dua for all of you.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Searching for a new...wife??

The Women's News Network is non-stop. So the latest news on the wire is that I am privately conversing with a new prospective wife. Well I can honestly say that I am looking for a new wife about as hard as I am looking for a hydrochloric acid enema. No I am not looking I have much more pressing matters to attend to. Like going from no custody battle to a full on one and all of the fun that is all about. It seems that whenever there is a moment of weakness in my heart about reconciliation something happens in my life to say pause...what were you thinking? So it is happened again that reconfirmation that I am on the right path with a fog horn in the ear. So I press on.

However just for the sake of argument let's just see what such a marriage ad would look like.

Recently soon-to-be-divorced Muslim man with 3 small children living with him in his mother's house and 2 ex-wives seeks one or two loving sisters for marriage, preferably professional so that I can be a stay at home dad. We will all live in one house and I am still desperately in love with my soon-to-be ex-wife. I am completely broke and heavily in debt so you will have to carry the load and you (all) will need to furnish your own abode as I am not ready to introduce my children to anyone at this time so I will technically be all yours the both of you possibly when and if my current soon-to-be ex-wife has visitation or after the children go down for bed whichever comes first. I am a polygamist at heart, I suppose since the issue isn't dead, but I am fiercely faithful and a great father, I change diapers and do dishes. I don't do little girls hair. I have no trust at all for women so you can have no expectation of privacy, until Allah blesses me to let that go. Love Sunsets, poetry and praying Fajr and Isha in the mosque.

Now let's sit back and watch the sisters come running in from the hills off of that one.

Really now, I am in no shape to entertain remarriage. Everytime I think about reconciling with my ex some crap happens to kill that mood, and now I am faced with a stupid-ass custody battle, my kids don't deserve this.

We are in Virginia now and having a great time. I had to put my foot in my renters ass, but come the fifth of next month if I don't have my rent, I won't have any mercy. I'm broke and for the first time behind on all of my bills. Sheesh. My Daughter got to play with some good close friends. She claims that they are destined to marry and I wouldn't be surprised, since they have been inseperable since they became friends. They would make a cute couple. My house got rented yay, but it turns out to move them in I needed $3200 bucks that I don't have, but in 4 months or so it will show some fruit. I just need to pass my real estate exam, but in the mean time I may be working at pizza hut. So Insha Allah we will see what is next around the corner. I pray to Allah for Afia against this trial.

My heart still doesn't care and would take her back in a heartbeat, but I have common sense. Release her in kindness or else it will get really ugly. So I am trying.

Friday, July 18, 2008

The hardest NO

Yesterday she asked me again to take her back and I had to say no. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I still love her from the bottom of my soul, but it is what it is. A small consolation happened shortly thereafter. What I was told by Allah was made manifest so I realize that it was the right decision. He had told me all along, so I know that there is something waiting for me at the end of this trial.

Subhannallah Patience is how you handle the hard news when you first get it. I mourn the end of my family, I hurt for my children, I hurt for myself. Love lost is bad, Real love lost is a travesty of monumental proportions.

I truly love her, and I realize that it will take a while to get over it, but get over it I must. Allah has a way of restoring your heart so that you can love again, but this time I will take my time, Insha Allah.

The papers are ready for signing, now the true discomfort starts. May Allah help us both through. I pray that Allah makes this transition quick and painless like a Janaza instead of long and drawn out like a Christian funeral. 3 days is more than enough time to put this loved one to bed.

The gripping reality of no comments is pretty telling, but I will continue to post, because it is therapeutic. I'll be getting the children into counseling and I have to go to this divorce class before all is said and done.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Going forward

Today is the start of the going forward. The Islamic divorce has already taken place. It started before I got home. Her 3rd menses is still ongoing. She went to the doctor yesterday about it and they said it was stress related. It will all be over soon Insha Allah. Her biggest thing is that it is my fault, but after you've said sorry what and asked what you can do to fix it and try that what else is there to do?

In the beginning you accept the responsibility and at the end you just don't care any more. So it is over. I was happy, I still love her, but it is done.

I have to find childcare for the rest of the month. That is something that I have to start today. I have to leave out of here by 0530 to get my kids to the current babysitter and then make it to work by 0630. It is going to be a pain but I suppose I will need to learn how to be resourceful and efficient. Ah the joys of divorce.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Through pain

Love gets discounted and dismissed as miscommunication sinks into arguments about the irrelevant. The truth is slain on the field of pain and inequity. The hollowness grows and welcomes the darkness. How to cope correctly I would suppose would be the answer or rather the appropriate question. When our coping hurts all is lost as coping spirals all towards doom.

I'll take the blame, but at this point does it really matter?

fine (finay I can't get the little marks on the E)

You can't handle the truth?

In the dwindling twilight of my marriage I think about what would have been necessary for it to be saved at this point. I reflect that I still contemplate making it work, when I see the kids and they see us geographically together they are happy and have hopes of this all being over and us back together as a happy family. I suppose that could begin to happen if I was told the truth. However without the truth or a diagnosis of insanity there is no hope for us at this point. I still love her and have forgiven and forgot a lot, but the truth cannot be suffered.

You ask Allah for information and then it flows in by the bucket loads and you wonder what to do with this deluge of information. You wanted the truth, but it is only a tool and what you do with it is what governs your life. You think that having it will make things easier, but often it doesn't. The heart is uncontrollable and it is like Niagara falls it just keeps on going. I think back to my first wife and the love is only a trickle but it is still there, and I suppose if hearts were willing the flood gates could be turned back on, but THAT won't be happening. Love however goes on and will not be quieted.

This marriage however is over 24 hours after this post is the last time I will look back, and I wonder if I will even be looking back at all. I just think that it is over, and that is the way that it is.

I went to the lawyers yesterday and the first step of the ball is rolling, If we can agree to everything it will be quick and painless if not it will drag on and on and on. I don't see any reason not to just sign everything and let it all go, and start over a life anew. However we will see.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Beautiful Morning

This morning was beautifully serene. It was the first morning without my kids, she is bringing them over so that I can take them to school though. It is all good. We are in the dismantling of ourselves stage. Last night I got the rest of my stuff from out of her apartment. So I have no reason to go back over there except to drop off or pick up the kids and really that can be done from my place. I think that it is sad to say that she has been deluded by a facade and now the reality of that facade is coming to a close.

The fantasy world that she dreamed about and believed in is coming to a grinding halt and reality is setting in. We however are going to be ok. I will pick the kids up today and take them to the park and by their cousins and she can come and pick them up from there if she wants. Life is going to be ok. It will go on. I am going to put my kids into therapy. I will make that call today along with the other fifty errands that I have to do.

I have three days to get my studying done for my real estate school so I can get my license. Yeah the market is crap now but I look at it this way. I will be a disciplined Real Estate person and I can cut out all of the crap that doesn't work and as a single parent (divorced parent) I can become more efficient in all of my business dealings. It is going to be a challenge, but I will make it work. Insha Allah.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

What a day!!

We had a great day today. We went down to the Miami Science Museum and the kids had a ball! The whole thing worked perfectly into my plan. I fully believe in keeping kids fully active until they just can't take any more then bring them in bath, books and bed. I had never seen the three of them go to sleep so fast. All of them completely and totally knocked out by 8:30. They had a full day. We got to the Museum about 10:30 and left at 2:00 and then went over to visit with family and then they played and played. It was great and of course I took a ton of pictures, but I am apprehensive of putting my kids pictures on the net, but they look great. Depending on the time they wake up I would take them to see the sunrise in the morning. I am looking forward to going to see it this Monday. Her days are Sunday, Monday and Tuesday and I get them back Tuesday night. We will see how that goes.

Everything is really agreed upon we just need to sign the paperwork and let everything be. My list of aspirations is growing. I have so much that I want to accomplish during this next 4 years. I'm excited and most probably only after I get to my monthly financial goal will I even consider going back into another relationship, or I may just wait until my kids are grown to get married again. I'm in no rush and that is a good feeling.

Reflecting on Safa

Thinking back at all of the information we gave Safa now in my own situation I stand staring at myself. Looking at all of the information, all of the answered Duas for clarity, through the denial, through the pain, with all of the questions answered the only thing left is the decision. Safa knew all along what the deal was, yet she plodded along. I knew what I should have done on the 20th of April, but still I plod along delaying the inevitable. I have or should I say we have made our decision and I can say that I still love her just as much as I did in the early part of our marriage, and you can't believe it, but sometimes it is true and you have to move on. I can say this isn't going to take 2 years, but I should have stayed with my first decision, so that is that.


On to bigger and brighter things like the joys of single parentage. Tips please!! I've got it down with the exception of the girls hair and dinner, but the dinner part is just me being lazy. My Mom is cooking now and that works out, but she is going to stop. Completely broke I will have to get a new job or something to make ends meet, but it is not going to kill me. We (the kids and I) are going to make it. I think we will go either to the zoo or the museum today and then follow it up with going to the beach. One day this month I will go to the west coast of Florida to get sunset pictures She'll have the kids on Sunday so I think either Monday or Tuesday I will get a sunrise picture off of South Beach and then do a walk-a-bout it should be interesting.

I suppose you have to really think about what you ask Allah for because you will get it. I asked for the desire of polygamy be removed and at this point in my life I can honestly say that I don't want anything from any woman. My eyes have changed and I can look at someone just as they are, a human being and know that I don't want anything from them and that is beautiful. So good things come out of bad things. I'm not promising anyone anything. I'm definitely not looking and I'm NOT horny and that is a good thing too. Maybe one day I will get horny again and then maybe I'll start looking at that point for the sake of my Deen, but fasting I'm sure will suffice until I get to where I really want to be.

Da Da da da da da Life goes on, and Love is not an easy thing to kill. My parents say that we will probably be good friends after it is all said and done and that is good. We are still good friends now, but it is definitely over.

Oh well as you know single parents don't always have time to blog so stay tuned. Peace Love and chicken sandwiches.

Saturday, July 05, 2008

Early Mourning

The Mourning is still, but life still exists

Fish flit to and fro as sunbeams penetrate their world

Seeking the sustenance only Allah can give

The Duck family with duckings all in a row

The beauty of family Present in the dawn

The turtles dance an intricate ballet, Oblivious of the pain of passersby, they dance on

This Mourning is so still

The beginning of a healing

The sun is rising upon this day, complete in its promise and stillness

A moment of clarity swirls in the mud, displaced amongst the darkness

The sight of one who can now see intertwined with the blind

Why does Allah purify us like this?

These moments of concentrated wisdom, they would break those who aren't destined to carry them

Is it a birth of a brave new morning

Will this labor bring forth a Godly child, or will it be stillborn and apparent to reflect the value of life and what is real

This Mourning is over, the Dawn is dead

Must I be relegated to the wisdom of the cool heads

They say to wait when pain and anger say go

So I ask why?

But the love is still there, and will not be silenced

Who would know how much one could take

Love keeps on striving on, through all of the muck

The Dark and Foul filth of this stench will pass like foam from the furnace

Leaving what is pure?

The day burns on

All that was yesterday, today is fully dead

Is there any wisdom in this heart, or the words of the cool heads?

The Pain is dead and that is good

Now out of the Darkness and through the dawn past the Early Mourning we must see this child in the full light of this bright new day

Even as life goes on clueless of that which was put asunder

Friday, July 04, 2008

It hurts to Reminisce

In the end you think back to the beginning and you ask yourself did you see the signs and it always comes back that you did, but you were in love and you were in control so you ignored them. Wow the pain cuts so deep. You feel raped and abandoned left for dead. It hurts so deep. I am at a new place in my life. I feel like a single parent. The decree will say joint custody, but that is the way that I feel. It is yet to be seen what the future will hold. The time has come to go on. I have a  lot on my plate. I really need to find some childcare solution before the end of this month. If not things will get ugly I am sure. I’m am quickly learning that with 3 little ones laziness doesn’t pay. I thought I would have been more organized but I am finding that procrastination and laziness in the life of a single parent or Custodial parent, primary whatever however you want to say it means sudden doom. I think I am going to find a play group and some other child care options. Childcare under any circumstance is normally a rip-off.


Pause this.


There is someone out there who has critical information about my life and those who have been close to this situation know. Please leave me an anonymous message on my blog or email me and tell me what it is that you know. This is very important to me I really need to know. It will not change how I live my life or the life of my family, but I need to know that information that is floating around out there.


Thank you.

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Totally Divorced

Chalk one up to the Shaytan he’s got a new crown. After the endless hours of crying my eyes out and trying to make sense of all of the disparate information things were made crystal clear to me yesterday. I had received many signs of closure but none as clear as what I received yesterday and I thought it was just blatantly cruel, but now I am at peace. I am in pain but at peace. The legal proceedings should be completed within the next two months. So stay tuned things will be looking up in the blog world. Peace Love and hairgrease.


I have hours to go before I can return home. It seems as if it is a purposeful torture endurance test. I finished my check-out of the base at 1100 and my flight is at 1700 I won’t get home until 2300 tonight. It is ridiculous. So I just sit and hold myself with all my might to keep from bawling like a baby in a corner somewhere. It hurts when you know you have to put it all down and prepare to start over at some point in the future. Even now though you know that life isn’t going to stop. Bills won’t stop coming, kids need attending to, dinner needs to get made and clothes need to be washed and folded. Life goes on inevitably. I have to make a concerted effort to fight depression at all costs, but at the moment I am very depressed. I get more depressed with each leg of this journey. I have to hold it together for my kids. They will want to see me happy, but my heart is broken so I don’t know if I can accommodate them at least not for the long haul. Life will go on and this too shall pass. I’m not getting married again. I gave my whole heart and now there is none left to give to anyone else. Maybe in time I can have a heart transplant and try it again when I am old and gray and I… whatever.


There is beauty in this day, but sadness in my heart

A broken heart is blinded to see the blessings of this day

Prayers for assurance and endurance of Pain

Help me Lord make it through

I cannot enjoy the songs of the free birds, going along in song

Nor marvel at the majestic trees so strong and full of peace.

The laughter of children fall on deaf ears

But I am blessed

The pain of a broken heart torn deep from inside

The Decree of Allah so I must abide

To accept and endure this pain and seek

To learn the lesson dealt

For all consumed my pain is felt

To the core of my soul now ripped apart

It is so painful and yet only the start

No life is different

Life is new

Oh Allah please help me through


Please help us through