Sunday, July 27, 2008

The hardest thing ever Done!

We reconciled yesterday. All of the facts lay out on the table, my mind doesn't believe them, but my heart doesn't care. Ego and arrogance want things to remain the way that they are, but sometimes you have to sacrifice those things for the greater good. Needless to say this whole debacle has completely ended any prospects for polygamy, but it has ended some other things too so I suppose that it is good. I will have to take things one day at a time, putting one foot in front of the other.

We have agreed to counseling both couples and individual which we both really need. I'm still very angry, but it is what it is. I'm hurt very much, but this too shall pass. With hardship comes ease. I don't know if I will be pleasing Allah or not by this decision. Soon it will be made manifest to me, because it has all this time. Over and over again.

Today is a day for regrowth, so we will see what Allah has for us and for me. We will see. I am supposed to go over there with all of our stuff today. I am so guarded, there is no trust, but sometimes you just have to walk out there. Even though you may get shot in the head, you still have to try. Someone has to reciprocate when steps are made. Even if it is a ruse, then you will get your reward from Allah. Not really looking to martyr myself though, but sometimes the biggest risk brings the biggest reward.

It was not easy because I still love her with all of my heart and my heart could care less what is going on with my intellect it is going to keep on loving her like the first day. I may be entering a new life of pain and I know I will feel some, but I must press on. Day by day, minute by minute. I will learn the things that went wrong and I will fix them so that I do not make a mistake again. I may love again if we falter, but I think I will be one of those old guys sitting in the masjid saying shoulda, woulda coulda and asking Allah for some semblance of Afia.

Love is what it does they say. The divorce class states that first marriages fail at a rate of 60%, second marriages at a rate of 75% and subsequent marriages at a rate of 99% most probably because people don't take pause to fix what is wrong within themselves. Maybe that is what I should have done after my first marriage, but I didn't so you live and you learn.

Whatever...

Someone asked me what is our purpose here and that is to serve Allah. Then they recited the hadith about the best reason to marry a woman in the first place and that is for their Deen. Not their looks or their money or their lineage. Islamically we are completely divorced, the Iddah has totally passed, so I suppose this hadith has the most bearing now. I however have no Sheiks to ask these questions to, and Allah may have facilitated that. I felt pushed and rushed like a high pressure sales tactic and my heart betrayed me so I have decided to go back. I really want to and go back to what we had. I really do. I really, really do, but there is a nagging to wait and pause and think and reflect. In the end you ask yourself will you ever be in love this way again? Will you ever gain the favor of Allah for a beautiful relationship again? Should you keep the children within the love of their parents? So many questions that only time will answer.
So you rationalize how long will you have to wait, before you love like this again, who are you going to Love and you balance the love you once knew and the Promise of Allah and you hope that they are both the same. Insha Allah. So I went on with my decision.

Make dua for us and we will make dua for you.

2 comments:

  1. I want to recap the things that you are saying here.


    "I felt pushed and rushed like a high pressure sales tactic" "there is a nagging to wait and pause and think and reflect" "people don't take pause to fix what is wrong within themselves" " I don't know if I will be pleasing Allah or not by this decision"

    It doesn't sound like you're sure this is really what you want.Maybe you two should make Istikarah and THEN move forward.

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  2. I'm sure but it hurts. I'm hurting that is all. It is just pain, this too shall pass. Peace.

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