Sunday, January 30, 2011

I need to keep my bedtime

So I imposed a bedtime on myself of 10pm right. I felt that if I went to bed a 10 then I would have enough energy to pretty much run my whole day. Well I always stay up 2 or more hours past curfew. So as I write this I am exhausted, and well I should be. It was time for me to go to bed and lo and behold I find myself up putzing about doing Allah knows what. So this morning I'm sleepy. I have finished Juz 7 and the only Ayat that sticks out for me is where Isa (AS) says to the disciples are you my helpers and they say yes and they ask for food to be shown that they are indeed special so that Allah will give them a sign from Him. Then Allah gives the condition that if they turn back or not do what they are commanded then they are going to have to pay consequences.

So I thought to myself how often do we do that? Oh Allah if you give me x and x then I will be so grateful. You will truly find me of the grateful servants if you give me xyz. So then a LOT of times Allah does give us xyz and what do we do? Carry on like it never even happened. This theme is repeated elsewhere in the Quran as well. I reflect on how many times I have called on Allah in dire need and have been delivered and wham I am out of my distress. Then what do I turn around and do? Nothing spectacular. I owe Allah so much right now I am in complete debt, in this life and in the hereafter. It is not even funny how bankrupt I am.

All of the things that I was supposed to do upon getting free that I have effectively put on the back burner of someday. We all have fallen into this trap. Like can we say that we will take each day to talk about Allah and invite someone to Islam? We should, each day we should do something. So I will start posting to Youtube again. I have been moved to do this so Insha Allah I will keep it up.

My daughter is praying now so I got her up for Fajr. I am sleepy though so I am going back to bed before they all get up and I get absolutely no sleep. I have a full cleaning day ahead of me.

Have a good day.



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Saturday, January 29, 2011

The Call

I've read 2 Juz of the Quran. So obviously there is a lot of verses that I could quote so I will paraphrase a few of them. I'd rather for me to write a couple of reflections on a couple of verses. Unfortunately I missed yesterday so I have to a forgive myself for not doing what I said I would and picking up today and moving on. One of the things that I am figuring out with my counselor is that you have to forgive yourself and start each day over. I am learning that. Now what I studied in the last couple of days was one concerning my marriage. It was the verse where Allah says that hasn't He sent down 5 thousand angels and if that wasn't enough He would send down more. Well that is what is needed in this whole situation. The help of Allah all of it. I went to the morning Halaqa and I think that was the day before but it still applies in this situation, is where if you ask Allah for something you have to believe with a certainty that you will receive it.

I have been contemplating this reconciliation process and I have been really thinking about how it is going to have to go down. I love my wife but I don't believe her in what she tells me. How can you put a foundation on that. Where do you put your trust. So I thought about it. The only way that I would be able to do it is focus on the areas where I can reasonably trust her. Medicine, our kids, her career, her business. I'm not going into the rest for I've learned that some stuff is best not said in a domain like this. If this were a private blog then I would understand but it isn't anymore.

That is the only way that I can see it working any how. I went to Jummah the other day and it was a very good one. Basically the "what have you done for Islam lately" khutba. It was asked if Rasulullah were to come here today how would you feel about the things that you have done. So I reflected on it. If I was to go all out a couple of years ago where would I be. I used to be a daie and I called to Islam on the regular. I would have to admit that I was pretty forceful and probably not very caring in doing so. That may have been part of the reason that I stopped. However I used to do it. Then I had two conversions under my belt and I was proud of that. Or at least they became Muslims after I talked to them. Well I slowed down. Now I run a website called where I do a little Dawah work and again I don't really know if it is effective. However I felt at least I would always be doing something rather than nothing. So I put it up. Now though I need to keep it up and contribute to it and blog about something everyday. However when you start running so many blogs it is very hard to keep up with everything. Unless you have time set aside to blog or you have a staff to do it.

I have been thinking about my site though and Ayat that I come across and just sharing a little here and a little there. Actually every Muslim who has sometime should spend a little time on line to say something. Then in that case you would always be doing Dawah. Even when you were sleeping. That is why I get on youtube so that I can always do something for Islam and Insha Allah increase my portion in the Jannah.

Well today has been a very big day. My daughter has learned how to kick off and ride her bike so far today. I would have been through with this blog earlier but that is an activity that requires a parent to be present. Riding with no training wheels.

Well kids are all around now. My daughter went with me to Fajr today so that was nice. I think that tomorrow my sister won't be here so that won't be possible.

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Friday, January 28, 2011

Zaytuna: Original post

I'm settling down into the reality of going to Zaytuna. They moved but I don't know what their new place looks like. They have two locations and neither one of them is listed as a Mosque. Of course you know that there are some serious prayers that go on there I just wonder if they have another facility around just for the prayers. I also wonder what the college is like and do they accept the Tuition Assistance. Will be interesting. I would think so with Sheik Zaid being ex-Air Force and all. We'll see.

Today I read and there were a couple of themes that stuck out for me. Mainly don't take anything bad and expect to get good out of it. This goes back to the whole lottery desire that I had a few days ago. Alhamdulillah the desire has dissipated. 2:267:

O you who believe! Spend of the good things which you have (legally) earned, and of that which We have produced from the earth for you, and do not aim at that which is bad to spend from it, (thought) you would not accept it save if you close your eyes and tolerate therein. And know that Allah is Rich (Free of all needs), and Worthy of all praise.

Why torture yourself? If you take that which is bad and close your eyes to it, you are pestered and bothered and like a stone in your bed it will bother you as long as you try to rest there. Remove the stone and sleep well. You will only get that which you will have. Griselda Blanco is probably the most wealthiest person in crime (after the Rockefellers) but she can only enjoy so much each day and chances are she is still alive so that her evil deeds wrap around her neck until she is completely doomed on the Day of Judgement. If I would have won the lottery then I would have lamented over every dollar I spent. Knowing myself that is how it would have went down.

I went to Fajr prayer this morning as I am off due to a massive cold and fever. (So I went to the Masjid to spread the love) No. Alhamdulillah I didn't cough while I was there. I wanted to make that effort because the angels come down and take inventory at that time and I wanted to be included in the number. I also got to pray with them which is awesome. After the Salaat we studied some hadith. The hadith was about doubt (not really but this is what I got out of it) It said that when you ask Allah for anything have certainty that you will get it and be not in doubt, for if you doubt the prayer or dua will not be answered. That really stuck with me for how many times have I prayed NOT BELIEVING that which I was praying for would be delivered. Not that I didn't believe it is just that I had doubt about it. I find within myself that it is funny that when I pray for small things I have complete conviction that they will be delivered to me, like when I lose things or when I'm looking for a parking spot. I never have to worry about such things ever. However when I am really in trouble I doubt and surprisingly the more doubt I have the longer it takes to be delivered from the hardship. So basically when you pray or ask dua know with certainty that you will be delivered or you will get better than that which you ask.

The Imam continued in the hadith. The hadith went on to talk about asking for forgiveness and to not stop asking for forgiveness. Even if you are doing wrong and you know that you are doing wrong ask for forgiveness and have in your heart a hatred for the wrong you are doing and ask Allah to save you from it for the Shaytan will come along and try to convince you that because you are sinning and you know that you will continue sinning that Allah won't accept your forgiveness because you are actively sinning. This is not true, ask for forgiveness and ask for help. I know that I need to be married or else I will most probably commit adultery in some way shape form or fashion. So even if I do commit adultery each time that I commit it I should seek forgiveness and what happens is my heart inclines towards Allah and I seek a way out of committing adultery (i.e. marriage or break-up). That is just the way that it is. If you heart is towards Allah you will find a way out of every sinful distraction. The keys are never stop praying for Allah has not placed in mankind two hearts.

Then he went on to say there is a flip side to asking for forgiveness and that is the Jacob brothers phenomena where I openly choose to sin with the intention of asking for forgiveness later. This mentality also will be the undoing for a believer. You will not be able to continue to sin and take Allah for granted for you will grow in insincerity. It will consume your heart and all acts of worship will become void as they will mean nothing to you and they will mean nothing to Allah either.

The big lesson for today pray and believe with true conviction that the help of Allah is near. Have no doubts about the help of Allah and your duas will be answered.

It appears that BlogPress saves a local copy that can only be accessed in iTunes. So here is all of what I wrote.

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Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Polygamy's Fallen

Well now that I'm blogging again I am doing some house cleaning on my links and what do you know I have found. 6 of my links of poly sisters are dead. Well I got to go and erase those off of the link list. Safa needs to be moved to a new section she's not poly anymore either. Then there is me and my wife. Well the reconciliation is on. Notably without polygynous attachments. The agreement is the same as it ever was don't beg me to marry your friends and there will be no polygamy.

I went to counseling and one of the things that came out of it was be true to yourself. Honestly I'm a polygamist at heart. Not so much now because I'm working with a lot less heart most of that has been ripped up by the roots. However if I were offered or in my case begged to enter into a polygamous relationship I would. Even more so now after all that I've gone through. I realize that what people say bothers them doesn't really, and we can live with much more than we think that we can. Pride is the only inhibitor of some relationships.

When I look at the whole situation I realize that we humans are much more polygamous then we would like to admit both males and females. So it is what it is.



Wow if BlogPress Crashes on you like this one just did you are screwed because it doesn't save where you are or what you wrote. So the readers digest version for everyone.

2:267 Don't take the bad stuff that you will feel guilty about because you will never get to enjoy it.

Went to fajr today and received some hadith about prayer and dua. If you pray have full conviction that you will receive that which you ask for or better otherwise you won't get it.

Even if you are actively sinning still ask for forgiveness because Shaytan will try to convince you that you are toast because you are such a sinner. Allah will save you if you ask.

Don't become arrogant that Allah will forgive you so that you intend on sinning and asking for forgiveness later. That will remove faith from your heart.

I'm looking forward to going to Zaytuna.

Yeah this post was much longer than this but BlogPress crashed and I lost all that I wrote. So there.

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Tuesday, January 25, 2011


I finished Juz 2 today and this is funny because I am going through my history of whom visits my site and it is back to normal no one does. Except those looking for the repair of a Dell adapter. That's fine I suppose that is better than a whole bunch of people coming in and checking out what is going on in my life. So anyway I read Quran today and the Ayat that jumped out at me was 2:231:

And when you have divorced women and they have fulfilled the term of their prescribed period, either take them back on reasonable basis or set the free on reasonable basis. But do not take them back to hurt them, and whoever does that, then he has wronged himself. And treat not the Verses (Laws) of Allah as a jest, but remember Allah's Favours on you (i.e. Islam), and that which He has sent down to you of the Book (i.e. the Quran) and Al-Hikmah (the Prophet's Sunnah - legal ways - Islamic jurisprudence) whereby He instructs you. And fear Allah, and know that Allah is All-Aware of everything.

Basically what I got out of this is if you take your wife back you have to be all in. You can't straddle the fence. Now after everything that we've gone through we are at the point of what is going on. I have to decide whether or not I can do it, and the thing is that I know I can. I still love my wife and I think that we can make it work it is just trusting in Allah to make it all better.

I've been talking to a counselor and she recommends that I speak to a psychologist and I have put that into the works. This is for my A.D.D I really have to get it under control. I have found that the more things change the more they stay the same, but all and all is keeping a positive outlook. I realize that I cast negativity onto situations in my life that affects their outcome. I have been given orders to Alameda, 17 minutes away from Zaytuna which I am looking forward to being an active part of that community. I am looking forward to being close to Sheik Zaid and Sheik Hamza however from what I understand they are very busy people always traveling and hardly there most of the time, but still I am looking forward to it.

So the way things look is that I will get back with my wife and call it a day. We had the polygamy talk again and I said that my position is the same as it has always been. If you don't beg me to marry someone I won't. The only difference now is I won't fantasize about it.

Life goes on, my kids are more important than the headache of women. I have been through so much during these last three years. My attitude has changed. I regret not keeping to my studies and prayers (my effort in them not forsaking them), but I am looking at it all as a learning experience. Jonah taught us well. There is no escape from Allah except to Him. Realize the True Reality and submit completely to Him.

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Monday, January 24, 2011


So I started over reading the Quran and finished up Juz 1 and there are some things that stuck out while I was reading. I don't have my Quran with me. I have one on my iPad but I have found errors in the translation so I don't really want to quote it. There is one Ayat that jumped out at me and that was 2:44 where it is stated that you order righteousness and forget to practice it yourselves and you are studying the scripture have you no sense?

So this Juz talks a lot about the Jewish mindset and the psychology that has to be present in order to be carried out. In essence it is an outward showy worship practice and it is a mindset that can be embodied in anyone. It comes when someone makes the statement "I am". It really doesn't matter what follows the statement the fact of what is left is a projection which may be true or false. Also embodied in the mindset is faith through confessions but are baseless in actions. We must be warned that anyone of us can fall into the mindset. Get up make wudu go to Salaat come home and it have no effect on the persons heart.

Then another thing that I notice in the Juz about them is that they believe but they have no trust in the power of Allah. In other words I believe but I don't trust that you are going to take me out of this difficulty so I am going to do what I have to do to survive. Give me salvation, give me sustenance, give me wealth, but I don't believe that you are going to get me to where I need to be. So that is the case with the Yahud. Belief without faith.

When you are in this mindset you have to justify what it is you are doing, because you can't really carry on like that with what is written in the book so logic states that you will have to contort the standard to support what it is that you are doing. For without faith you can legitimize just about anything if you begin to lie to yourself. So then the whole faith thusly follows that logic. Can't do X, but you can if you follow this special circumstance.

I couldn't do it. I never represented myself that what I was doing would be forgiven later. I would not submit to feel good or that I would be forgiven later. So this is the lesson that I learned from my reading this morning.

Last night I broke up with my girlfriend and learned a great deal about myself. It was harder than I thought. I got the strength from Allah but I learned that my jacked upness has gone back much longer than currently. I'm getting better. I still have a long way to go though and I need to get a spine from somewhere. I go with the flow too much and going with the flow where Allah is concerned will land you in the Hellfire. So I'm still reading Quran and getting the wisdom that it puts out and Alhamdulillah it is awesome. I will read it again in english and then I will start to read it in Arabic. I don't think I will be able to do that in 30 days though. Next I need to read the Seerah. Well I have to go back to work now. If I keep writing like this I will be ready for school.

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Location:Miami Beach

Sunday, January 23, 2011


Two Blogs in one day what is this? I have finished the Quran it is indeed a Mighty book. I pray that we gain in patience and that Allah make us of those who are devoutly obedient to our duty to Him. There are many things that stuck out today when I was reading. I was not in complete relaxation and I was kind of looking for something so the ayat didn't just jump out and slap me like they normally do, but several concepts were represented.

1. I need to break up with my girlfriend and I ask myself she's a great girl but is she worth going to the Hellfire over? NNNNNope can't really say that she is.
2. How the world will end. I have been formulating this hypothesis for a while and I am almost positive that our world will end when a black hole comes into our universe and does those things which are in the Quran. Ie. Rips off our atmosphere, defeats our sun and moon, causes smoke from the earth being sucked out into outer space, it will be inescapable, The mountains will shatter to dust and the earth will be stretched out flat, the seas will boil over and the sky will burn up. All of the signs as I see them frankly are from a black hole swallowing our planet and sun. It is dark because no stars will be seen.

Now if you look at it this way if you have a car driving down the street on a dark night with its high beams on and there is a tractor trailer truck tailgating him painted matt black with its lights off that is how this event will go down. The truck will never be seen. Such is the situation here. I want to collect some more data, but my gut is totally committed to this.

3. As a man thinketh so is he. The statement of the Prophet that states that Allah says that I am as my servant thinks of me. If He is positive then positive manifestations will be bestowed on him and if he is niggardly then his blessings are slow in coming.

I am seriously thinking about going back to my wife now. Now maybe the best time for there is no more pain at this point, no baggage, Hurt is dead, and at this point it is really the best time for reconciliation to happen. I'm going slow and it seems that she is having a white day sale and I'm broke. Well not really broke just not ready to spend any real money. We are talking though so that is something that is better. I'm praying about it so pray you with me please.

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The Favor


Did not Allah bring you out of the Prison when you were concerned about your safety.

Three days were your worry and Allah delivered you from that.

Then which of the favors of Allah do you then deny.

Did not He guard you in your youth.

Then which of the favors of Allah do you then deny.

Did He not make the ways of the wicked seem wrong.

Then which of the favors of Allah do you then deny.

Did he not keep you free from the desire of intoxicants.

Then which of the favors of Allah do you then deny.

And when you were want to be as the other children did He not seal you in your fitra.

Then which of the favors of Allah do you then deny.

It is Allah who brings you out of darkness and provides all of your needs. He is there when you call upon Him and is swift in bringing you the knowledge of where you are in error.

Then which of the favors of Allah do you then deny.

Was not Allah there when you sought to make a haram affair correct, and from it He blessed you with youth. Obedient to you and of good nature.

Then which of the favors of Allah do you then deny.

And you desire wealth in abundance whilst you understand its worth, for you asked Him for understanding and thus it was given. Why then rebel you against your fitra? Whenever a wind blows you this way or that you follow your lusts knowingly to your own destruction.

You rebel against your lusts with no firm resolve. You rebel and turn again unto your lusts. In the hour of night you keep your salaat. In a weak state then growing stronger and stronger, then unto your Lord you call and He returns to you sending you angels to warn and they move you in your heart, but you insist and turn a deaf ear. Returning to your lusts vainly feeling that your account will be resolved later, but you surely have no patience for such reckoning.

Then which of the favors of Allah do you then deny.

Verily you were totally lost until Allah opened your heart to His Deen, and you swore a mighty oath to blaze the path to Him, and had you been faithful and steadfast surely you would have found with Allah all that your heart could hold of satisfaction. You feared and turned away, this due to your lusts for the treasures of this world. What! When that which is with Allah is better than all that is in this world present for your eyes to see or that you can dream in your mind! How act you? Turn away from any such rebellion or you will walk the path of Shaitan and he will ruin you in this world completely and when you return to your Lord you will be a manifest loser.

Do you recall when you woke in the night for Tahajjud and the angels were with you though you could not see them. You drew near to Allah the length of the earth with each Rakat and your soul was totally at ease.

Then which of the favors of Allah do you then deny.

And you were consumed with your lusts and you asked Allah to save you.

Then which of the favors of Allah do you then deny.

He blessed you with a wife that increased you in faith. You both rising for tahajjud and you increased each other in faith.

Then which of the favors of Allah do you then deny.

He gave you work that made it easy for you to keep the limits of Allah.

Then which of the favors of Allah do you then deny.

Yet you were ungrateful looking at that Allah bestowed on others unhappy with that which you were given. Did you not see that He always provided for your need and there was little that distressed you.

Then which of the favors of Allah do you then deny.

La ILaha ILLaLah There is none worthy of worship but He.

Your heart distressed you turned back and became of those who were Kafirun, neglectful of the Right and woeful for the future and your heart you set to seal, but Allah has placed a light therein that will not be sealed nor shut. You found that vast as the earth was around it constrained you and everywhere you turned was the truth. Indeed Allah has purchased in you a great reward. So do that which you are commanded while you can return to the Lord of all of the worlds. Do not seek that which is not your portion be patient with your portion and it will be delivered to you directly. And Verily your Lord is with you. So be not of those who in pain reject and close their hearts and die with misery in this world and in the hereafter are amongst the Losers.

Forsake your bed at the ends of the night and rise with the Angels so that you may attain true strength and clear sight and that you may fulfill that which you are commanded.

And Worship Allah with life undaunted and Follow the Messenger with true balance.

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Saturday, January 22, 2011

Ipad Review

Wrote a while ago when I first got it. Lightly edited.

I own an Ipad, but frankly if I had known about the Notion Ink Adam tablet first I would have bought this over the Ipad. Why, don’t get me wrong the Ipad is a great product in its own right, however I believe that they imposed
too many limitations on it from a functional obsolescence stand point.
Frankly it is comparable to a third or fourth generation Palm with a
lot of memory. Single thread stability is a predictable plus. But tiny
apps on a Gigabyte system allows you to put a ton of useless junk on
it. Then rant about how fantastic it is.

My personal beefs with the Ipad.
1. Non Functional proprietary restrictive bluetooth. Hmm I’ve got a
bluetooth device, I’ve got a bluetooth phone, I can sync them and dump
or update my contacts Right? Wrong I could do this on palm without
special apps but not the Ipad.

2. I have a network printer, but no apps come with a printer function
I have to buy that separate. And even now that they have it you have to have a special WIFI printer in order for it to work. Bogus.

3. No SD card input built in, Even your cheesiest palm, phone,
eReader, MP3 player come with this, Really! Not even a cute little
mini sd card.

4. I have to give them props though as a native pirate I have actually
bought more apps with this device than I have on all of my computers
I've purchased, EVER. Seriously, I don’t know if that is a bad thing,
but yes sucks for pirates. I even Jailbroke my iPad but the hassle of losing all of your programs with every update is a pain so I stopped doing the Jailbreak shuffle.

5. This is a big one. The Calendar, Contacts, Tasks databases aren’t
really optimized or formalized. If three different apps access
whatever rudimentary database there is the outcomes are abysmal. With
palm the databases were pretty standardized so whatever app was your
comfort zone the end result would be the same AND IT WOULD SYNC!!!!
Actually I do not believe that there is a native Tasks database at all
and that SUCKS Donkey Balls!!!

6. Proprietary sync software Itunes I have hated ITunes since it came
out (Long before mp3 players), I still Hate ITunes and forcing me to
use it pisses me off, but that comes with the territory.

7. No Access to file structure, understandable to ensure optimum
equipment performance in the hands of techno-phobes, but techies like
to know what they are dealing with so they can tweak it.

8. No Flash, which basically means that half the internet is off
limits or one irritating thing, you download an article with a flash
slideshow and you get a piece of the article and are left with a big
WTF is the rest of the article. It isn’t until you lug out your laptop
or primary computer that you can figure out what in the world is going
on on the page.

9. No accessible file structure means you can’t just download any old
thing off the internet, because if the pad doesn’t like it You get
DENIED. Which is a pain because that means you can’t download
something store it in your glorified thumbdrive for sync and deal with it later on your primary platform.

10. Not enough piratable apps out there yet. :) Had to put that in there.

11. Inability to play just about any video file. The video on this has
to be in a special IPOD/IPAD format which means no drag and drop. You
have to convert and then transfer your file. Any AVI won't do. This is
a big pain because the software that I've found sucks up all the
computer resources and converting is pretty much all the machine can
do until it is done. Bogus. Now with VLC player this is possible. Not when I first wrote this little tirade.

The basic jist of the IPad is a money funnel into Apple and that is
fine and all. It just isn’t my cup of tea, because it means
limitations. Limitations that I don’t necessarily like or want, but am
enslaved to.

I won’t say the negatives without the positives though.

1. Jailbreaking Rocks!! Always trying to buck the system I am.

2. Screen resolution is great. Sucks I can’t use my wacom stylus though.

3. Has lots of OK apps. Nothing like good old DateBK 6, but plenty of
apps to say the least.

4. As a book, article reader this thing is superb. The reading
experience is awesome and intuitive. Now all of my pdf books can
actually be read. Reading pdf's on the desktop/ laptop is a pain but
the IPad makes reading a beautiful experience.

5. I haven't watched video yet except Youtube but the video there rocks.

6. I have found and paid for apps that are very functional even though
the business productivity apps are a bit disjointed and don't connect
well to all functions. I.E tie in Contacts, Calendar, Email, Todo into
a database.

7. After 6 Months of using the iPad I can honestly say that it is the most used computer in the house. You don't think so but it is much easier to snuggle up to than a 17" behemoth laptop. More portable too. In fact it has replaced all of my day to day computing like blogging and net surfing and email. So much so that I only pull up the laptop when I have to edit photos in light room. I would never touch my laptop if I could transfer raw files straight to my computer in light room fashion.

Things that I can say about this thing is get a good case for it. Bald it cute but everybody knows you have an iPad for one and they fall for two. This iPad has survived road trips and 3 year olds and it is still kicking strong. The scariest moment was a distant tapping from a 3 year old only to look up to one word being exclaimed by his what's the big deal face; ROCK! tap tap tapping on the glass of my iPad. It survived with only a small scratch on the glass which you would actually have to search for. Since then it has survived taking turns of my kids.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Asking Allah

I suppose this is where it starts. You get to a point and you stop asking Allah for things. It is very counter intuitive however my state. Most possibly it is the case where one enters into rebellion whether slight or obstinate. It is where you walk off in a huff exclaiming I can do it myself. Allah must laugh at these times if you have ever been in His favor because there is no refuge from Him except to Him and the earth as vast as it is will constrain for you.

So it came to pass in my hour of delusion and pain that I took it upon myself to stop asking Allah. I didn't ask him for a wife because I knew that she would have to be Muslim and I didn't feel ready. So instead I took two girlfriends and one is more resilient than the first. Perhaps it may be that I may marry her. Allahu Alim, but he knows that I don't want to reform someone from their religion so the Deen was never offered. It was never offered and within myself I held them accountable for the deficiency. So how is that fair? Tis not yet I have refused to ask.

I have not asked and felt I could not rely on Him for I felt obligated to Him. Parading around as if I were self-sufficient. Making sure to not forsake my Salaat so that I couldn't be held accountable. Inventing lies for myself, but knowing that this day must come where I tell the truth and realize that there is no escaping Allah. So my faith has been through its lowest point. Now it is time to let go and focus on that which is right.

The inevitable has become known that I must indeed ask Allah for each and everything as if it weren't known before. Kufr when you know and you hide the obvious. Now to turn things around and go the other way. I must ask and the beginning question is should I remain in my marriage and I don't even know which divorce I'm on. Allahu Alim. I don't know if it is the first or second and I doubt boyfriends count as husbands.

I used to be in the habit of asking for everything from Allah and life was life, but I was more at peace and I was hopeful for the help of Allah.

I've read Juz 28 this morning and my Ayat that stick out are:

61:2 O you who believe! Why do you say that which you do not do?

61:3 Most hateful it is with Allah that you say that which you do not do.

61:4 Verily, Allah loves those who fight in His Cause in rows (ranks) as if they were a solid structure.

The Tafsir doesn't directly point out what crossed my mind which is lack of discipline, because when you lack discipline and self control this is what happens. You say a lot of that which you fail to do. Today I will clean my room, Today I will pray all my Nawafil, today I will do something extraordinary whatever and then you don't do it. That is where this verse comes in and if you are A.D.D or bad with time or just lack the balls to get up and do something then these verses I feel apply to that situation. (Please ask a scholar for an official description). Allah speaks of this and I can't help but feel that I will fall into this sin daily and that can get depressing. So ask for forgiveness and move on I guess. Today is a new day and hopefully the paralysis of procrastination and self loathing will abate so that I can get something accomplished that my Lord will be pleased with.

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Friday, January 21, 2011

The Lottery

I must confess that lately I have been thinking about playing the Lottery. Mostly out of desire to pay off all of my debt and partly out of a desire to get it over with and retire to some remote place never to be seen again. You know write life a check and exit stage left. Not Suicide but just gone period. So I have really been wrestling with myself about it. I went through some conversations that some close friends were having and I was going to employ a number teller. You know those people that do nothing but study numbers and spit them out. I had it all planned out.

Of course there are multiple problems with this plan, number one it being haram. Then that would taint every dollar received of course. Kind of like blood money. Then there are the consequences that with every dollar you spend you would be sinning. You can't make it better by giving in charity. Can't go to Hajj on it either. Then you would have to take the position of Jacob's brothers where they intended to do good after doing something evil. And those are never successful. (My kids are up and I just finished Juz 27 so I don't know how much I will be able to share here) So then it is like why are you stuck and hopeful about every time you pass that sign 116 Million Dollars or whatever it currently is.

So I've read Juz 27 and what sticks out. I have to admit I was in a muddle through a lot of it with my mind not clear and going every which way, but this stuck out:

57:22 No calamity befalls on the earth or in yourselves but it is inscribed in the Book of Decrees (Al-Lauh Al-Mahfuz) before We bring it into existence. Verily, that is easy for Allah.

57:23 In order that you may not grieve at the things that you fail to get, nor rejoice over that which has been given to you. And Allah likes not prideful boasters.

So what does that tell me and there is a danger here because if you do not know you can slip into the trap of apathy or sloth. However the fact is that you will never get that which is not prescribed for you. Even if you have the money to buy it. In Islam wealth is not what you have it is what you use. So let's look Oprah she's got more money than whatever right, but she is only allotted what she can use in a day. So let's take a true look at wealth. How many outfits can someone truly wear in a day and I say a day because every human is afforded the same 24 hours. in reality only one at a time. You can change your clothes as often as you like but you can only wear one outfit at a time. How much food can a human consume? Usually about the same as everybody else. How much relations can one have with their wife? Only one session at a time, even if you had two girls you can only go in one at a time.This is the same with everything that you have or come into interaction with. Each human can only consume at one instance at a time and therefore all are equal. Even the Rockefellers if they look inward to themselves they are just as everybody else.

Actually the point I was trying to make there was just because you CAN buy something doesn't mean that it is yours. Oprah can buy a brand new Bentley every month but if she never uses it, it isn't her wealth. You have done it i'm sure bought something that you always wanted and then it sat unused for years until you decided you needed to get rid of it. That is exactly where I am going with that.

My observation or pain comes with wishing that what I consume is dressed up with what other people have, but over time you realize that everything is everything. If you have a house or a mansion, a house is a house and it is only there to serve a purpose, shelter you from the storm and provide some comfort. Other than that it is just a building. Cars are to get you from point a to point b. Etcetera Now the argument can be brought that it is easy for someone without money to take this position however I am much wealthier materially than quite a many people and truthfully it would be the same if I made $100,000, $200k or $5M a year I'd be richer than some and not as rich as others. So that doesn't change regardless of the slider you use. Then there is the argument of free time well if you waste time in your backyard or you waste time in the South of France it is still time wasted. It is not where you spend your time, but how.

The Qur' an is so logical that it breaks everything down. What I realized today is where your soul is those are the verses that stand out to you. If you are depressed then anti depressing verses come out. If you are sinning badly then the warnings come out, if you are on the right track then verses of encouragement come out. This verse came out today because I need to really think about my Deen and where I am.

I took a long walk with Allah and I asked Him what it is that I need to do in order to make it through this life and become successful. The answer came swiftly, more than money won in a lottery you need discipline. You know what the right thing is and you have the desire to do it, however you lack the discipline to see it through. It is lack of discipline that undermines your life and causes you such problems. This is so true because it is not that I don't want to be awesome at my Deen it is that I lack the backbone to continually strive and ask for the best in this life and the next. That causes anxiety that I won't make it, which in turn leads to bad decisions, like girlfriends and lottery tickets.

Well I've talked your ears off until next time.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Her House

Writing again

So here I am at her house noting the fact that I have completely stumbled. Well since you are all here let's do some catching up shall we? Once Upon ago I was a fanatical blog hound. I would blog on the regular and I hope to do it again. Why should you ask well one it is therapy and two I'm starting to go to school again and the simple practice of writhing 1000 words a day can really help you bust out term papers. So if you only blog short blurbs you may think about picking it up a notch.

Well since I've been gone I've had two girlfriends (still in the last relationship). Had a melt down, started a photography workshop, gained a promotion, lost a promotion gained another promotion and am considering taking drugs to give me the reigns of my A.D.D. That pretty much sums it up.

So now I'm reading Quran again and I'm on Juz 27 yay. (how do you cancel auto correct on an ipad I'd like to know). I've been approached for reconciliation again and I am considering it. We two are screwed so maybe we should just be together and save the world from being victims of collateral damage. The only thing with the iPad and a bluetooth keyboard is that whole auto correct thing. I tend to lay my head back and just talk and with auto correct chances are I could be saying anything. Oh well we will see how it goes.

After blogging and having my whole life fall apart on center stage I don't know if I want Jinns to have that much access to my private life. Neither them nor NSA either they are all one in the same I suppose.

So I'm going to a therapist and she is saying that I should probably get on medication for my A.D.D. and such. I don't necessarily blame her for her suggestion. At first I was very leery because you hear about these counselor types strung out on drugs so that they can function. I would be able to function if I had any kind of discipline.

Anyway so I'm reading the Quran and it is eating me alive because it's great to be back but then it can be kind of depressing too. Reading the quern leaves a sinner little margin of error. Hardcore hitters like 53:59 Do you then wonder at this recitation (The Qur'an)? 53:60 and you laugh at it and weep not, 53:61 Wasting your (precious) lifetime in pastime and amusements (singing, etc) The big verses that stick out however are those who admonish against those that follow their own lusts, and how they will be punished. Especially the whole illegal sex parts. Those are kicking my butt. It is not that i want to do these things, but more like I have lack of self-control when they are presented to me. Here have a cookie, Oh I think I will... have another. One of those type of things. The last thing I expected was to get into a relationship. I had told myself several times in the beginning that this was a dead end and I shouldn't do it. Mostly because I had a FTW attitude going on and if I let up then I would have to care. So that is what happened. I stopped lying to myself and then she fell in love with me. Completely oblivious to the fact that I refuse to stop praying and you can't do dirt and pray it just doesn't work. At least it doesn't work for long. So I'm praying and reading and the more I read the more I am like I've got to stop this. Completely unrelated to that guilt my wife who has consistently refused to sign the papers has asked again to get back together. Am I jumping for joy? No am I considering it yes. I'll stop right there with that.

So I am doing my photography thing and I am giving some classes, of course my lack of discipline and A.D.D are getting in the way and I got burned out completely. So now I am recuperating and retooling a series of courses and hopefully this time I can get through without losing my mind and feeling overwhelmed.

Well that is enough for one day I will be posting my project 365 stuff here so at least you should hear from me everyday or every other day.

Getting back on the wagon.

AsSalaamu A'laikum


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Her House

Friday, January 07, 2011

Apple Bluetooth Keyboards

In a word I Love my bluetooth keyboard and iPad combo however today I had a little scare. I left my keyboard out and someone dropped it off the table most likely accidentally. However it bent the soft aluminum around the button. I immediately said that I need a scribe to take this off. However I didn't have one so I had to use some leads from a multimeter to scrape out and push back the excess metal.

I have my Ipad and all but typing on that thing is impossible. Especially if you really have something to say. If you don't then it is perfect but for bloggers and typers it sucks. I was in Best Buy today looking for a battery charger and I was checking out the new Android Xooms. I can't justify a monthly bill for a glorified eReader, gaming console. The iPads size is perfect for working on documents such as this one and posting blogs.

Well like I said I'm blogging again. I've been gone forever and now I start back. My traffic is just about non existent at this point.

I promise I have some juicy stuff to tell. You just have to be patient until I get around to spilling the beans.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Thursday, January 06, 2011

Blog problem resolved

I resolved my dual blog issue. I found the perfect little blogging tool. BlogPress. It will allow me to post to either blog or just one for the password protected blogs that I would like to do. As you can see I am blogging with my iPad. When I first got the iPad I didn't like it too much. However as I have been using it I have become rather attached to it. It is a hell of a lot better than toting around a laptop or a whole bunch of books and I can actually keep a lot of useful information on it. So blogs that I post here will most likely appear in both places.

So Happy New Year everyone and AsSalaamu A'laikum. How are you all doing? I am doing okay. As could be expected I've got some drama going in my life. Unfortunately it is almost 1 am and I still have to pray Isha so you will have to wait until tomorrow for any updates.

Number one resolution this year. Communication. We'll see how this goes.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad