Sunday, June 21, 2009

Fuck!!!

Is the only thing you can say when you've made a complete mess of things. It's not an excuse, it is not a reason it is just a reality. I had said earlier that sin is pain entering the world and our Sunnah if followed to a T would eliminate world suffering. That is so true.

I didn't and the quagmire that is my life has sucked in yet another soul into this morass of what has become my life. Sulking is also another problem. Taking on the attitude that nothing really matters helps you emotionally for the time being. It is easy to say that you don't care, that nothing really matters and for a while it works, but ultimately it is a lie. It is a lie that works for a while because the truth of the matter is that you become a one-way black whole. The kindness and tenderness that others shower on you just gets sucked into this void that you have become and you give nothing or very little back. It's an infantile state.

Therefore the only reality is that no matter your greatest opposition, no matter how great of a person you are, you are going to hurt people. That is the reality. People being hurt that are just innocent bystanders. So this is where I am and that is all that I can say. Sorry doesn't really sum it up.

There's a lot of stuff I leave off my blog now. Partially not to infer actions by others and thus backbite by calling them out. Which leaves only my actions or behaviours that I exhibit in response to actions by others. So my postings have all been tempered and short in coming. My occasional anecdote is just a little to shallow to warrant sitting down at the computer and rapping out a little text over a quasi-interesting observation.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Divorce is a process

It starts with Pain and then it expands. The ability to forgive is the key, however when your heart is ripped out it makes it very difficult. My wife wants to get back together, but my heart is dead. So in getting back together for the good of the family there lies within me a two part process. One mending my heart and learning to feel again and two reaching deep down and forgiving each and everything that hurt. Doing this all without an iota of trust.

Building the trust is the first step, a slow methodical process that takes time and there is no way around it. I told her yesterday that building trust is kind of like an infant’s reality. An infant gets separation anxiety if the mother leaves. His feeling of abandonment builds and overflows until she comes back, and there is a constant need for touch and closeness. When trust is broken this is the reality. Basically unless you are in the same room as me there is a great possibility that you are lying to my face. I have more reason to trust Charles Manson than you. So in the steps of rebuilding trust there is a very great need to remain in constant contact, just like a baby. The process is the same and any mother worth her weight should know what it takes. There is sacrifice, commitment and dedication that is necessary to mend the relationship.

This is the crossroads that Sakinah and I are at. To go forward I have to dig in find the resolve to forgive radically, she has to do the same, put myself out there and trust again, and on top of that acting like I can actually love again. I would have to kick-out my roommate and then expect her to leave her house to join me. Leaving behind many perks for the nothing that I have.

Now the case is with divorce is that it is a very simple process. Do Nothing. The thing about doing nothing is that you can claim that you did your best and make yourself believe it. You can call up and say you want to get back together and make it work every other day and do nothing to follow it up. Then Viola a level of ambivalence sets in and when you are presented with the papers you just sign them and roll on about your merry way telling everyone that you did tons of stuff to make it work but your partner wasn’t willing. Shazaam you are a loving passionate person who really didn’t do anything wrong and were completely victimized. Poor Baby.

No reconciliation takes work and getting your hands dirty and risking it all. Who really wants to do that when apparently it is much easier and a whole lot less painful to get involved in a rewarding relationship with someone whom you don’t really love that provides you with the needs that you felt you were missing in your marriage. It doesn’t matter if they are married or not. In a relationship or not it is just emotional greed taken advantage of in a emotional drought. Sometimes the relationships are mutual, but both blood sucking. It takes true courage to go back into a war-torn relationship with someone who knows your weaknesses and knows how to hurt you completely. That takes true fearlessness. The results of success are far-reaching and a failure would be complete disaster of the person for a few years at least.

This is the place that I find myself. It is usually during this time that either the sheep or the wolf in sheep’s clothing enters stage left. A critical stage of reconciliation where it would be easiest to jump ship and run off into the sunset with someone with no flaws or mishaps in your heart. Someone that you can accept openly because you need to to heal your own heart and also because you need to be told that you still know how to love. The Rebound truly has it hard, because ultimately they are completely expendable.

So I have to kick out my roommate so that is where I am. Which for my Deen would be good because I have to put somethings in order in my Deen and being alone even if she decides in the 11th hour to pull out. I can use being alone again. It will give me time to focus and get back to basics in my Deen. Ramadan is coming up too so all the better. After this move the trust card shifts to her deck for her move. Any violation no matter how small jeopardizes the whole process and she’s screwed it up before, so we will see. I will tell her (my roommate) today.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

If I were a girl

In any talk of polygamy the subject always comes up from the woman’s side what if the tables where turned. Well then I have thought about it over the last two years and here is what I have come up with.

  1. I could define who I am and take time for myself.
  2. I could refuse to on stupid shopping trips saying yes honey you look great. That would be the other guys job.
  3. I would be the sex demon, super daddy husband and the other guy could be the waiting in the waiting room buying stupid crap, HGTV watching, chick flick going, gala going husband. Give me sex and kids and call it good. I’ll be the family vacation, homeschooling, playing in dirt with worms husband and not have to deal with all that other BS.
  4. I would have every other day off to do whatever I wanted to.
  5. I could do what I want with my kids without all of those anal rules.
  6. I’d only have to deal with PMS half the time.
  7. I could always send her home to her other man and keep my kids with me.
  8. I could go to school with minimal interruptions.
  9. I’d only get nagged half the time.
  10. I’d quit my job and take up golfing or some other excuse for a hobby.
  11. I’d go on vacation.
  12. I wouldn’t argue, I’d just send her to one of her other husbands.
  13. I’d live life stress free.
  14. I don’t know how sex would be, but at this point I have 6 kids I’m good.

That’s about all I can think of right now. I’m sure there is some more, but either I don’t really care right now, not much is important to me anymore. Especially a relationship.

So we were supposed to wrap things up on the 12th, but she had us reschedule. I didn’t have a problem. So it is rescheduled on the anniversary of my going to jail over this BS. She says she wants to get back together but, I can’t really see it. Past a couple of teary-eyed meetings any real effort is transparent to me. As I am sure it may have been likewise for her as well. As for myself I have reached a point of indifference. Indifference at get back together, indifference at going on with anyone else, indifference about life or major aspects of my Deen, which for me is a problem. Nothing else is though. I made a pitiful attempt at personal ads, and truly it was pathetic.

So now she says that she wants to make it work. After all of the BS and now my heart is dead. I love her but I don’t really feel like loving or being “in love” with anyone. Including myself. So that would be the starting point. The whole thing would be for the kids. Whatever that means. I don’t feel like being in a relationship. There was a cursory one, but I ended it, because it was simply unfair. Unfair for me to take things I needed, knowing that whatever I gave would never be permanent nor ever have a chance of being so.

Then it is always asked well what do you want? I’d like the fantasy that I was living when I was married, but short of that I would just really like to have my kids. So I am yet again at a point where I can let it all go or find the reserve somewhere deep inside of me to go on. I would have to manufacture a nonexistent desire to be in a relationship all for the greater good. Hmm.

I fear how long will it last. Many of my views have changed. That whole promise that people give that they would never do X or Y is BULL people will do whatever they are most comfortable with regardless of the nonsense they promise you. If you push them far enough you can bet that whatever fears you had that is probably the very bull shit they will be doing. The question I have to make to myself is am I prepared to live with this bullshit for the rest of my life.

About polygamy now? I don’t care. Now I know that people are much more tolerant of polygamy than they think. What they aren’t tolerant of are social norms, but people in general are surprisingly very comfortable with polygamy as long as they get what they need from the relationship and there isn’t all of that bullshit ass lying that goes with the territory. Whatever as far as I am concerned people don’t have problems with polygamy, they have problems with communication, needs, validation, social stigmas, insecurity and broken promises, polygamy though is a no brainer. Why do I say this? Women constantly complain about polygamy and then leave their husbands only to get involved in a polygamous situation. What is the frigging logic of that? So whatever! I’m done. Now I am just looking for something that I love to do, pays the bills and doesn’t break the rules of Allah. If I found that would be in heaven for the rest of my days. Married or NOT.

Reclaiming My Blog

It is time that my blog went back to whence it came. A therapy solution and an outlet to let me vent and work through my problems. I had problems before but now this has started to get ridiculous. My life has taken a downturn spiritually and I have found that just like overeating sins have a way of replicating themselves in you until they become habitualized. I think and hope that I have reached the absolute bottom of my spiritual downward spiral. There are things that are just a reality when it comes to me and my weaknesses. Everything comes to a fork in the road when you are being tested and the more you know the more obvious the test. Then it just boils down to are you or are you not Muslim enough to deal with it. You have the power to make the correct decision, you are thinking it through but once you have faith it really comes down to this “Am I going to willfully disobey Allah?” When you have reached a point of knowledge there is no I didn’t know or I was weak at the time or yada yada yada. All of that BS is out of the window it is either I am or I am not going to break the rules.

If you choose to break the rules then it becomes a daily debate on how long are you going to let this nonsense go on? There is no peace because you are constantly telling yourself that you got to stop or I don’t really care anymore about anything. You wish you could quit. I have gotten to that point. I don’t want to commit suicide because that would be breaking the rules, but you want to quit, not necessarily die or anything but just exit stage left or take a time out for a while, maybe a nice coma or something just to get a break. Then of course you realize that is not an option and you have to deal with the anger of not being able to quit when you really want to.

Every Muslim has that point where they won’t go. If they are still holding on to the Rope they will always turn around and come back. I will never let the rope go. Never I don’t care if I become a cracked out derelict on the streets I will never give up my Salaat. Never in life. Not giving up the Rope means you will always get up after a spiritual fall, dust yourself off make Tauba and keep going. That is where I am, dusting myself off. Which causes me to revisit a rather passionate comment by Kafira. I know this is probably some BS that she doesn’t want to hear but I will say it anyway.

When the Muslim falls off the wagon they begin to do things that they shouldn’t do. They have full knowledge of this, but their faith is in the toilet so they are out there doing stuff. Hurting, in pain, and lost they reach out for support and often and not they are poor unsuspecting souls that are just bottles in the storm just like they are. The Muslim however (or any hurting person) may be down there in the muck of life just like anyone else, but that isn’t who they are nor is it where they want to be. They believe themselves to be something better and so when they reach spiritual enlightenment or they just get up and dust themselves off those relationships that lead them away from their final destination are shed. That often times includes many ill-thought-out romantic relationships. Even ones where everyone knows that the relationship is only a lull in the storm at that intersect it is needed and despite all intentions of genuine goodness and mutual kindness when they end someone gets hurt.

Sin I have learned through my reflections is how Pain enters the world. Without Sin people could live and die in peace. The world could evolve into a great and beautiful place, but the essence of sin or the fruit of sin is pain. Pain that evolves and spreads like a cancer the destroys every aspect of human existence. Pain then becomes the rule and not the exception and thus begins a constant struggle to get rid of it. The world becomes filled with artificial cures to rid or mask the Sin (i.e. pain) from chemical to emotional dependencies, gross denial, apathy or redirection. Life is then thrown into turmoil and all avenues no matter how promising are dead ends. Until one reaches a full understanding of the problem and is committed to treat the illness and proceeds to wholeheartedly remove the Pain.

Life goes on and that is the inevitability, and it will continue on that way until death. Life in essence is the practice of continuing to remove Sin from it. For that is the test of this existence. The practice of eradicating it in all of its forms. Then setting a standard of what a healthy life is and what it should be and passing that on to the next generation.

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

Losing my blog

My blog appears to be dying a natural death. I figure no matter what happens between Sakinah and I there is a breadth of information that I am just not going to share. I am sad because I miss my blog. A lot of it too is that I have been very busy. Sadness is gone and a lot of other things are gone. Efforts of getting remarried have been shelved due to lack of interest on my part. They've emailed me but I haven't kept up the communications. I'm tired of relationships and so I am just floating on. She wants to get back and I entertain it, however the bridge has been engulfed by the river and other than the kids what is there really?

All that I can say is communication or rather the lack thereof is the cause of the demise in most relationships. People who aren't assertive about their feelings take this "they should know" stance at a lot of things and that only causes heartache. If you have a certain feeling about something let it be known. We do that now, but there is no feeling behind it. Then again I could be just smoking crack or her world is one that I am sad to say I just don't understand. Which is sad after so many years of marriage. The dynamics of reconciliation are littered with apathy on both sides. Once the reality of the break has set in you just look at things with different eyes. Everybody's flaws are out there and you no longer shield them because you love them from your own critique.

I am not here to talk about my marriage though, but here to talk about my blog. I am sad to see it neglected and left un-updated. That could possibly be for a number of reasons. My schedule is number one. Two is because I am in a spiritual limbo and don't really feel that I can represent the Deen or myself for that matter. So I have a number of unsaid actions that I would rather leave unsaid. So that contributes to the silence as well. I suppose it will go on this way until something breaks and my Deen returns to me, hopefully intact. Well we will see how I do.