If I were a girl

In any talk of polygamy the subject always comes up from the woman’s side what if the tables where turned. Well then I have thought about it over the last two years and here is what I have come up with.

1. I could define who I am and take time for myself.
2. I could refuse to on stupid shopping trips saying yes honey you look great. That would be the other guys job.
3. I would be the sex demon, super daddy husband and the other guy could be the waiting in the waiting room buying stupid crap, HGTV watching, chick flick going, gala going husband. Give me sex and kids and call it good. I’ll be the family vacation, homeschooling, playing in dirt with worms husband and not have to deal with all that other BS.
4. I would have every other day off to do whatever I wanted to.
5. I could do what I want with my kids without all of those anal rules.
6. I’d only have to deal with PMS half the time.
7. I could always send her home to her other man and keep my kids with me.
8. I could go to school with minimal interruptions.
9. I’d only get nagged half the time.
10. I’d quit my job and take up golfing or some other excuse for a hobby.
11. I’d go on vacation.
12. I wouldn’t argue, I’d just send her to one of her other husbands.
13. I’d live life stress free.
14. I don’t know how sex would be, but at this point I have 6 kids I’m good.

That’s about all I can think of right now. I’m sure there is some more, but either I don’t really care right now, not much is important to me anymore. Especially a relationship.

So we were supposed to wrap things up on the 12th, but she had us reschedule. I didn’t have a problem. So it is rescheduled on the anniversary of my going to jail over this BS. She says she wants to get back together but, I can’t really see it. Past a couple of teary-eyed meetings any real effort is transparent to me. As I am sure it may have been likewise for her as well. As for myself I have reached a point of indifference. Indifference at get back together, indifference at going on with anyone else, indifference about life or major aspects of my Deen, which for me is a problem. Nothing else is though. I made a pitiful attempt at personal ads, and truly it was pathetic.

So now she says that she wants to make it work. After all of the BS and now my heart is dead. I love her but I don’t really feel like loving or being “in love” with anyone. Including myself. So that would be the starting point. The whole thing would be for the kids. Whatever that means. I don’t feel like being in a relationship. There was a cursory one, but I ended it, because it was simply unfair. Unfair for me to take things I needed, knowing that whatever I gave would never be permanent nor ever have a chance of being so.

Then it is always asked well what do you want? I’d like the fantasy that I was living when I was married, but short of that I would just really like to have my kids. So I am yet again at a point where I can let it all go or find the reserve somewhere deep inside of me to go on. I would have to manufacture a nonexistent desire to be in a relationship all for the greater good. Hmm.

I fear how long will it last. Many of my views have changed. That whole promise that people give that they would never do X or Y is BULL people will do whatever they are most comfortable with regardless of the nonsense they promise you. If you push them far enough you can bet that whatever fears you had that is probably the very bull shit they will be doing. The question I have to make to myself is am I prepared to live with this bullshit for the rest of my life.

About polygamy now? I don’t care. Now I know that people are much more tolerant of polygamy than they think. What they aren’t tolerant of are social norms, but people in general are surprisingly very comfortable with polygamy as long as they get what they need from the relationship and there isn’t all of that bullshit ass lying that goes with the territory. Whatever as far as I am concerned people don’t have problems with polygamy, they have problems with communication, needs, validation, social stigmas, insecurity and broken promises, polygamy though is a no brainer. Why do I say this? Women constantly complain about polygamy and then leave their husbands only to get involved in a polygamous situation. What is the frigging logic of that? So whatever! I’m done. Now I am just looking for something that I love to do, pays the bills and doesn’t break the rules of Allah. If I found that would be in heaven for the rest of my days. Married or NOT.