Wednesday, June 17, 2009

If I were a girl

In any talk of polygamy the subject always comes up from the woman’s side what if the tables where turned. Well then I have thought about it over the last two years and here is what I have come up with.

  1. I could define who I am and take time for myself.
  2. I could refuse to on stupid shopping trips saying yes honey you look great. That would be the other guys job.
  3. I would be the sex demon, super daddy husband and the other guy could be the waiting in the waiting room buying stupid crap, HGTV watching, chick flick going, gala going husband. Give me sex and kids and call it good. I’ll be the family vacation, homeschooling, playing in dirt with worms husband and not have to deal with all that other BS.
  4. I would have every other day off to do whatever I wanted to.
  5. I could do what I want with my kids without all of those anal rules.
  6. I’d only have to deal with PMS half the time.
  7. I could always send her home to her other man and keep my kids with me.
  8. I could go to school with minimal interruptions.
  9. I’d only get nagged half the time.
  10. I’d quit my job and take up golfing or some other excuse for a hobby.
  11. I’d go on vacation.
  12. I wouldn’t argue, I’d just send her to one of her other husbands.
  13. I’d live life stress free.
  14. I don’t know how sex would be, but at this point I have 6 kids I’m good.

That’s about all I can think of right now. I’m sure there is some more, but either I don’t really care right now, not much is important to me anymore. Especially a relationship.

So we were supposed to wrap things up on the 12th, but she had us reschedule. I didn’t have a problem. So it is rescheduled on the anniversary of my going to jail over this BS. She says she wants to get back together but, I can’t really see it. Past a couple of teary-eyed meetings any real effort is transparent to me. As I am sure it may have been likewise for her as well. As for myself I have reached a point of indifference. Indifference at get back together, indifference at going on with anyone else, indifference about life or major aspects of my Deen, which for me is a problem. Nothing else is though. I made a pitiful attempt at personal ads, and truly it was pathetic.

So now she says that she wants to make it work. After all of the BS and now my heart is dead. I love her but I don’t really feel like loving or being “in love” with anyone. Including myself. So that would be the starting point. The whole thing would be for the kids. Whatever that means. I don’t feel like being in a relationship. There was a cursory one, but I ended it, because it was simply unfair. Unfair for me to take things I needed, knowing that whatever I gave would never be permanent nor ever have a chance of being so.

Then it is always asked well what do you want? I’d like the fantasy that I was living when I was married, but short of that I would just really like to have my kids. So I am yet again at a point where I can let it all go or find the reserve somewhere deep inside of me to go on. I would have to manufacture a nonexistent desire to be in a relationship all for the greater good. Hmm.

I fear how long will it last. Many of my views have changed. That whole promise that people give that they would never do X or Y is BULL people will do whatever they are most comfortable with regardless of the nonsense they promise you. If you push them far enough you can bet that whatever fears you had that is probably the very bull shit they will be doing. The question I have to make to myself is am I prepared to live with this bullshit for the rest of my life.

About polygamy now? I don’t care. Now I know that people are much more tolerant of polygamy than they think. What they aren’t tolerant of are social norms, but people in general are surprisingly very comfortable with polygamy as long as they get what they need from the relationship and there isn’t all of that bullshit ass lying that goes with the territory. Whatever as far as I am concerned people don’t have problems with polygamy, they have problems with communication, needs, validation, social stigmas, insecurity and broken promises, polygamy though is a no brainer. Why do I say this? Women constantly complain about polygamy and then leave their husbands only to get involved in a polygamous situation. What is the frigging logic of that? So whatever! I’m done. Now I am just looking for something that I love to do, pays the bills and doesn’t break the rules of Allah. If I found that would be in heaven for the rest of my days. Married or NOT.

5 comments:

  1. No I think she really is serious, but we have a long way to go.

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  2. Asalamu Alaykom,

    Guess it's safe to comment here, since nobody is comin' by. They really leave ya alone when you are attempting to live a chill life, eh?

    Please consider ending the blog. Get a FB account and surround yourself with REAL friends and real fun. This blog scene is freakin' freaky. You never know who is collecting what info on you or who is going to turn on you.

    I wish you better than you've had and better than you wish for yourself. Be at peace, Brother Muhammad. Strive for the simplest solution to get to peace. You will inshahallah find happiness there.

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  3. I have a facebook account, and a myspace account, but still not the circle that is bringing me the close interpersonal relationships that I need. Thank you for your wishes. I am having more closure with meetup actually.

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  4. I don't think you should end the blog. I come by to read on a semi regular basis.. once or twice a week. It is about all I have time for when it comes to anything on the internet.

    I have a FB account and a myspace. Although I have met many people on there, I still don't consider them "REAL" friends. Actually half of the time I don't even know if I can consider the friends I know in person as "REAL" friends.

    You know maybe you should get into some dawah or something. No kidding. You know just 2 or more years ago, Islam seemed like it was the hype in America. New converts coming out of everywhere.. Everyone seemed to be jumping on the dawah band wagon. But now.. I don't know.. maybe everyone is busy in their own lives. Yeah sure there is still people converting but before it was just different. Youtube was filled with new convert stories. Now when I go there all I see is the same stories I have watched over and over. I don't know, maybe the people were more excited then.

    Anyhow, best wishes... Inshallah you and her will get things worked out, whether you are together or apart, just to have things settled will be nice.

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  5. Ignore Yosra, she never has any advice worth giving, if she was a "real" muslim, she'd end her own hypocritical blog, but I suppose that her writing helps her validate herself as a person...(that and all the men that she phone sexs with, not to mention all the internet guys too!) Keep writing, Muhammad....you lay it down like it is...even if you say priapism and fuck.....love ya for it!! Still praying for ya!

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