Um Hmm

The truth of an old lie that was thought was the truth hurts more than ever. Is it true that a dead heart feels no pain. Even though it is covered and concealed. It still hurts there in all of its sullen glory. It hoped for freedom and a chance of summer rain warm and refreshing. But only acid fell. Now shriveled and dying encased by scars it beats slowly, maybe once a blue moon. It was once beautiful, but now waits for the one who knows true treasure whilst seeking through the discarded remains of memories past to find it. The healing though comes from one above.

My Silence

Hello all,

I know a lot of my fans have stopped by and said hello. Cheered me on and encouraged me to talk. I appreciate all of that. I have to say something about my silence. Besides me being busy with my photography business, giving photography classes and spending time with my kids every weekend I just haven't made the time. It is hurting me and it hurts every time evaluations time comes around because I'm out of practice of writing. However what everyone wants to know is my silence.

Well I have quite a bit to say on that actually. The number one reason for my silence is this. Islamically I'm not where I want to be and I don't want to be the excuse that someone justifies their slacking of Deen with. I know the rules and I have broken them and I don't want to be a justification for anyone else. My Deen is in the dumps, but Insha Allah there is hope yet. I am still praying all 5 prayers in their time and I try to make it to Isha at the Masjid. I fasted recently trying to make up all of my days of Shawwal. So I am still struggling through. My marriage well I can only leave this to say that my heart is broken and I'm not looking to do that again any time soon. I thought we were going to reconcile, but it seems that is not going to be the case. She calls and I don't call her back. I call and she doesn't call me back. We say we have sat by the phone waiting for the other to call that never comes through. I don't see how this is how we would have made it. In the future I really feel like "I'm not going to ask you any questions so you can save your lies" type of approach towards relationships right now. I don't want any promises of chastity, I don't want any promises of faithfulness, I don't want any promises of a beautiful future, Save it. You do you and I'll do me

As for Deen I'm holding on to the prayer as tight as I can. That ultimately is the best advice that I can give anyone. I believe even if you are down and out. Depressed and despondent and possibly even suicidal I believe the practice of Salaat is what will pull you through in the end. Also even if you don't pull all the way through one of those Salaat that you are doing may be a benefit for you on Yaumin Qiyyamah. Just don't give up the Salaat.

I'm not promising that I'm going to start writing again, but I'm hoping for the best and Insha Allah I will see you soon.

What a difference a day makes

Subhannallah it has been eons since I've blogged well life is what it is and it keeps on going on. I have decided to crawl up out of this hole that my Deen has fallen into. My kids if no one else deserves it. I have over the past couple of months let so much stuff just slide, including my parenting, but I owe them more than that. Today we will go to the zoo. Usually we have fun. I may have to buy them some swim clothes so they can get wet, but I don't have a stroller so I may have to skip that. We will see. Insha Allah I will start posting again soon. No promises though. Oh yeah Eid Mubarak I hope you all have done well by yourselves and family.

Ramadan Mubarak

AsSalaamu A'laikum everyone I am wishing you a happy Ramadan and hope that you and yours get every ounce of blessing out of it.

About me and mine well we actually decided that it is indeed over. There are things that she wants that I am not going to give and there are things that I want that she is not going to give and so we have an impasse so the responsible thing to do is call it quits. That is just what we did. I believe that is what is going on. Friday was my deadline and she asked me to compromise so I met her halfway as I saw that she compromised on some stuff and we moved it to Monday. Well today Sunday morning we decided that it just wasn't going to work. So such is life I'm child support bound which I have no qualms with.

I go to see my lawyer on Tuesday and she will let me know how we need to proceed @$95 an hour, she's worth more but I have preferred legal. Normally it is something like $2oo - $400 an hour so it is a deal, but it racks up. One of the houses is in foreclosure so I think I will let it go. That's the bad one the VA home which means when WE retire they will come after our social security checks until it is all paid back. Oh well it is not like I was going to strike it rich anyway.

We met in the blessed month of Ramadan and we are divorcing in the same month. Subhannallah.

For the record I have not loved a woman nor do I expect to ever love another woman like I loved her. I pray insha Allah that I can just remain single for the rest of my days. I have to work it into my schedule to keep on top of contact with the kids. I'll have them on weekends, but from what I knew before Life gets in the way if you let it.

I have no idea what I'm going to talk about now. Hope however has bled out.

Peace,

Read the blog and don't make the mistakes I made that is why the blog is here.

Death of Hope

There has been a culprit to all of this pain and the culprit's name has been hope. Today he has been taken outback and a bullet put through his head. So much for that. we can both be commended for our bravery. We can both be commeneded for our unwavering resolve and hopefully we can both be commended for going through with our divorce in the most amicable and respecful manner.

Hope is now dead and all of those people who said "girl you are not being unreasonable at all you stand your ground" can give their pats on the back and at-a-girls all day long. I can look in the mirror and commend myself for not losing self-respect or at least any more of it and tell myself YES I held my ground and I really showed her. However at the end of it we will both be divorced and we will have traded our self-respect and pride for our family.

What did it all boil down to? She demanded 3 things that to be truly proven would have taken longer than my Friday deadline to achieve. She wasn't going to budge and neither was I. It wasn't that she wasn't willing to move in and it wasn't that I wasn't willing to do the things she asked. However you want to word it. We were unable to meet each others ultimatums in the time allotted. So now we will be getting divorced on the earliest possible appointment.

That is how it is done. That is how you get a divorce. We won't bend so we broke.