Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Out of Character

Living out of character is the largest waste of time a person can have. I know that but yet I do what I do. Dating has its benefits but also its pitfalls. People get the wrong idea you transmit the wrong messages and feelings come into play yours and theirs. I'm not ready to get married again, but I'm not necessarily ready to be alone either. So things are what they are. I am a polygamist that I know is true, or is it. The one that I want to marry won't have it and I feel for her so, but is it infatuation or is it something deeper. The one in this community who is oh so cute is a new convert and has tons of energy and I want to absorb it and uplift her as well. I haven't said anything because I'm not trying to go there. Yet. So funny as the community is trying to marry us off already, I can only assume. I've been approached for marriage and I don't even know who it is. So funny, only in Islam (or traditional religions).

Then you get to a place where it is time to get out of the Dating game and live your deen and you don't have an exit strategy. Just don't call that is uncharacteristic, call up and cut it off, seems so harsh. Sometimes though that is what has to be done in order to keep focused on Allah. So I am at odds with myself with the verse who states "Have you seen the one who takes his lusts as his god" To do so violates everything that I believe in and as it sits is causing conflict inside of me. A horrible existence. In an ideal world I could have my two wives, but I think right now I need to learn how to put my nafs in check, and my Lord first.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Spencer Rd,Oakland,United States

Sunday, September 11, 2011

There is no point in being The Nice Guy

So here I am struggling with the official Whoredom persona and my Deen and everything and so I meet this lovely lady slightly vulnerable and emotional but a very nice person. So I totally diss her one day to go out with this other girl who is an entirely different story all together. I feel bad about it and try to make a come back. She's actively asking me to commit to something about which I don't feel entirely able to do. So I play it low and just chill offer emotional advice and encouragement with helpful hints of how to live your life and yada yada. So then it comes time for the sticky and the sticky could happen if I would LIE and say those magical words. I don't and the night comes to a close and we split.

She wants to see me the next day to give me Lasagna which was delicious by the way. I go to her meeting taking time out of my day and which she then gives me the lasagna and hooks up with some other guy who IS going to lie and do all the other bullshit. So it didn't hit me at first and then I said hey wait a minute. She is going to fuck some other dude just because I was being nice and NOT fucking her? Ok so this is how the game goes.

Get out there to get what you want at the expense of the other person because if you don't do it someone else will. Lesson learned. No problem there are plenty of women on and off line.

So basically I am here. I don't give a fuck anymore. They can suck these balls just as well as the next girl. Fuck feelings. Mine and theirs. What a miserable existence.

Now you understand that focus on yourself and be confident and the women will come. Fuck relationships.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Nimitz Fwy,Oakland,United States

Thursday, September 08, 2011

Relationships and Feng Shui

I went out last night and had a wonderful time with a very positive sister (as in African American). I didn't have an incredible urge to sleep with her and we just had a really great time. She is a Raw Foods Chef and has a day job she is building up her client base and wow it was really great talking to her. It made me realize a couple of things. Stuff detracts from your life it doesn't add to it. As we were talking and exploring a conscienceness we began uncovering clutter in our physical life creates clutter in our personal life and in our goals and it was really inspiring to work that out. I used a lot of examples from Islam to declutter or explain the process of decluttering in my life. I went over the concept of Rizq and what it means that your sustenance isn't what you have it is what you Use and how that affects everything in your life. Just because you have $100M doesn't mean you use it and frankly it doesn't really buy anything extra.

I am in a different relationship with someone else who is obviously ill emotionally and doesn't know how to deal with it. I haven't been getting enough sleep so I have been over eating. I have to stop that. I don't think I am going to open up any more romantic relationships for a while. I think I am going to focus on myself and who I want to become before I ASK Allah for a companion.

It is so crazy as we were talking about the reduction of stuff I began to include everything that is clutter or represents clutter in my life, Stuff, relationships, activities and everything else that I find that I need to do instead of focusing only on those things which are important. I think that seems difficult to do but if I practice it in my physical life then it will transfer to my emotional and spiritual life. Or if I practice it in my spiritual life it will transfer to my physical life Insha Allah.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Nimitz Fwy,Oakland,United States

Monday, September 05, 2011

On becoming a Ho

Wow the location is really off on this thing. Well it is true, I'm finally saying fuck all of the bullshit and just be a ho. Now that my blog is back in my own hands I can write and not worry about anyone reading my shit. I think I'm going to lean on my blog a little more now because being a Ho is lonely. It's really not me but it's going to have to be. It hurts too, a very lonely lifestyle, but no one is going to be hurting me and I can control how ho-ish or un-ho-ish I want to be. I don't necessarily want to be a ho, but I don't want to be alone either. I'm not ready to get married yet. I thought I was but I'm not. I'm broke for one so I'm not looking to be broke for too much longer. If I get married I know that I would be broke so I'm looking to stack my cash.

I've been hurt and I've hurt and thus the game goes in a circular motion. The game is ridiculous and honestly I really don't want any part of it. However it is necessary if you don't ask Allah for that which is right. That is so ridiculous where in I could just ask Allah and call it a day, but I'm not ready to get married right now. So I should be single and celibate. I've already hurt two women in my quest to not be alone. That didn't feel good. If I'm going to do this then I'm going to have to get some thicker skin.

I've been here for almost a month and I haven't went out to take any pictures. I really don't know what is wrong with me. I went to go and see KRS1 the other day and it was totally awesome. He said something that has rung in my head and is just swirling around and around in my skull. Be Real and Accept the Consequences. I have been living less than who I am for a long time and I feel that it is time to put an end to that bullshit. I thought about it some time before I went to the concert and that was in order to make any true progress I need to not be in conflict with my Islamic spirit. There was a khutba on Friday and basically he was reciting the Quranic verses of Have you seen the one who takes his Lusts for His god? It went on about how much of a loser that person was and how it is in fact SHIRK. It hit home with me, but I still screwed up. Sometimes I think I'm going to be one of those people that do good up until a point and then they start screwing up and doing bad so that they land themselves into the Hell-fire. Eww.

So I've been thinking of all of the things that I would like to do and trying to prioritize them all. First on my list is to advance so I don't really have to worry about losing my job. That's A. Second finishing out my degree so that I will have something to fall back on when I do get out of the Service. Third is my photography and doing some of the projects in my head. First I need to write down the scenes that are in my head so that I can articulate them in capture. Then I want to do Dawah, not as a hobby but as a science. Then I would like to retire from my job and become a teacher or a counselor. All things have upright principles and none of them can afford to have their time wasted in dead end relationships. I have a mission statement that is totally in conflict with being a ho. I need to really stop living my life in conflict and become who I really want to be and a Ho is definitely not one of them. A polygamist is but a ho isn't.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Webster St,Alameda,United States