Friday, October 28, 2011

Incubus


n. pl. in·cu·bus·es or in·cu·bi (-b)
1. An evil spirit supposed to descend upon and have sexual intercourse with women as they sleep.
2. A nightmare.
3. An oppressive or nightmarish burden.

Well I would suppose that my little incubus is more of a possession rather than a terrorizing of women in their sleep. If you have been reading my blog for a while you know that my sexual history is quite long with first masturbatory experiences starting at 5 or so. I have experienced this for a great period of my life. Now that I'm older I experience it much less. However when it comes over me it is a powerful experience. It is different from my simple attraction. It comes with force and in waves, hard and pounding sensation of pure unadulterated lust. It is the go ahead deep driving urge for sex. This motherfucker is serious. It scares me sometimes when I am in a flat out heat and want to FUCK not make love, not experience intimacy at all, just FUCK. It is a driving desire whose desire is to experience sweat, and the quivering of legs, and moans. The squeezing of breasts and licking of nipples. It isn't particular of who and it is a heavy feeling.

Normally I fight it off by staying away from all women. Keeping my distance. Staying in prayer or reading the Quran. Now I'm a sexual person to begin with, but this urge is very different. It is the caller to the bedroom. It possesses me, leads me and drives me to completely and utterly sexually dominate a woman. Until that woman is spent completely. It desires multiple women in a harem or an orgy. Today my visitor came and I have tried to fight him, but alas I am weak.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Calcot Pl,Oakland,United States

The Ex-factor

So my Ex took back the kids right. Now she plans to move out and live with me. So she first approached me and said that she would like to have me take the kids over winter break so that she could find a new place in Philly or Illinois, then it was can I move in until I find a place and now it is can I stay there for two years while I save up money to go to school. Smile.

So I ask myself how feasible is this really. I live in a one room apartment. We have our history and we will essentially be living separate lives because I'm on course to become married with two beautiful women. Now my ex wants to come and she has plans to go to school and fly "Home" her words every other weekend. Now in women speak what does that really mean? Can I get someone who speaks woman to chime in and translate? So I tell her that the door to reconciliation is closed and is absolutely not going to happen. I'm sure she'll be half naked most of the time, but that door is closed. Smile.

So I've told her hey you can come, but I'm getting married so stay as you will. How did she interpret it, How would you interpret it? Maybe I should say no, but I suppose she took the kids back so that she may have that option, had I had the kids I would have told her absolutely not. I miss my kids, but I suppose that I''m going to have to put my foot down about her jerking my life around by holding my kids by their necks. Well we will see what I decide to do. I'm really just too laid back. Hmmm I have to think about this some more.

It is too bad that I know her, but I pray that she will be well soon.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Spencer Rd,Oakland,United States

Ho no More

So there I was in the pit of my dysfunction and I walked this walk to find ou
t that no I'm not a Ho and nor can I be. There is too much lying necessary and too much deceit and I just can't do that. I enjoy telling the truth, it allows my to live my life de-conflicted. To live your life without conflict is the only way to make progress in this life. So I am falling back on track.

I have learned much in the past 60 days since I got here to California. I've learned that what I do in my relationships is what I do in life. Consequently perfecting my relationship with my Creator means that I will perfect my relationships in life. I learned that I am not present and I disengage my feelings for the protection of myself, but in doing so I alienate myself and everyone around me. I have changed my course and charged myself to be present at all times. Just as being present in prayer allows me to become closer to my Lord, being present in the moment allows me to become closer to those whom I'm in a relationship with.

I spent a greater part of my life saying that I don't care out of the pain of my parents divorce and the manifestation of my social alienation. i said that I don't care but I longed for the love and support that I could only see from afar. I am now working to nurture my relationships and become more loving and more transparent as an individual and to live my life without conflict so that I can give to everyone what they need within my means to give. So that I can love the women in my life in a manner that they are worthy of. To embark on business ventures so that everyone can receive the most from the transaction.

So I find myself in two relationships, one with the girl that I was going to throw away as a disposable relationship. I have taken pause and listened and I see so much value in her as an individual. Each morning we pray together and also each night. I have shared my religion with her something that I have not done to anyone else. She is very spiritual and she has allowed me to learn quite a bit about myself. She has accepted the fact that I am a polygamist and she loves me just as I am and I am thankful for that so I send my prayers on her.

My first girl is this beautiful Muslim sister that I know and have met from NC and she is my heart. She is an Alfa female and is radiant in her own light. Very cute and dear to my heart. I love her and she is my beloved. She is NOT down with polygamy and I don't really know how to accept that. I was honest with her and she knows that I'm a polygamist, but is pressuring me to decide which way to go. I told her the truth and then retracted it so that I wouldn't lose her, but now I am wondering if I should just tell her that I cannot not be a polygamist because I'm so fine with it. At this point of my life and everything that I've gone through it is almost as if I feel it is owed to me. So chances are I will go on and do it. I just need to let her know. Even though I don't want to lose her.

A third girl who has no religion at all I have reconciled to be only friends with. We don't date, occasionally we go out and talk, but I don't feel that there can be a foundation without some foundation in God. She's nice and her story is remarkable. In that she is an inspiration. There has been no talk of romance so I don't feel that I'm leading her on or anything. I don't know the laws of women though. Perhaps if I told her that I had two other women that I was considering she may begin to feel some kind of loss. Who knows.

I have a new mantra that I was thinking about putting on a bumper sticker. Do what you love and Invest wisely. It is simple but so true.

Well I'm at work and I need to do some. I hope to blog quite often in the coming weeks. I may buy the season of Sisterwives so that I can see what works and what doesn't in poly marriages. I'm in Oakland now. Perhaps I'll put up some pictures of my place when I go home and clean it up a bit. Well until then I will see you all later.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Spencer Rd,Oakland,United States

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Lying is Dying

Recently I have come into the realization that I am not the person who I am. I am not behaving in character and I am hurting. It hurts to lie to yourself and your Lord. I am all over the place. I recently told the woman that I love the truth about myself and what I have been doing in an effort to grow closer to her. It did not work out so well. When I came out here I told myself that I was going to be a whore and sleep with all kinds of women and live the life. I quickly found out that I can’t I really can’t live that life. Some people can however I can’t. It has nothing about the life that I want to live in it. Embarking on it as a journey was a mistake. I have lost the woman that I love, but even in that I have learned so possibly it is not all in vain. I have grown and I have learned the true nature of what it takes to be a polygamist. Honesty and straightforwardness at all times is of the utmost otherwise you are untrustworthy. You must be very firm and true in word and deed. Lying cannot be tolerated under any circumstance.

 

When I began on this journey I sought to rack up some disposable relationships however that doesn’t make sense to my soul. So I must drop that platform. What I must do though is seek to become vulnerable in more of my relationships and trust that those relationships will be successful. While I am with the woman that I’m with I keep remembering the ayat you may not want a wife but through that wife receive much good. I don’t know where it is, but it is solidified in my mind. I am a polygamist this is true and I am not going to deny it. It is a lifestyle that I want. I don’t know how it will unfurl into reality, but I know that I must not compromise my beliefs, nor submit to my nafs. So I have come to a cross roads and now I pick up my stick to walk again. I am no longer going to wallow in loss, but cherish what I have learned and seek the blessings that my Lord has set aside for me.

 

Thus my journey to self discovery begins… Watch me…