Saturday, December 27, 2008

The Anatomy of the Break up

I finally understand now what my wife and friend meant when they said that they only just wanted me to choose them. Or rather me choose my wife and my friends husband just choose her. I suppose it is like that. I note some key things that went wrong with this relationship and in finality its break-up. At the very end with trust completely broken and everything there was only two things that I asked for that she moved out of THAT place and she represent me before the law and it would have been really nice for that to happen without me asking, prodding or begging, but alas it didn't and that translates into for me that I am just not that important. Without trust you are subjected to the other persons interpretations of your actions. We have no trust so the other persons actions are nothing but hostile. Everything is hostile and that is how important trust is. She doesn't want to give up her place and then be forced to have to go and look for a new one if things go badly which is understandable and I don't want to move into a place that I have had the cops called on me and the place that she moved to for her own personal "space". Bad connections all around. This can be stopped, but it is not. I could suck up my pride and say ok baby you are the sun, moon and stars and I will do anything to make it work, but that would be at the price of stripping all of my manhood and dignity and that really isn't a good situation. She could pack it up and move to where I want to move, but that would leave her vulnerable to my
"devious" plans if that is what she fears. So it follows the same track. Break-down of communication, violation of trust, lack of trust, ego inflation and inflexibility. It can be ended at anytime if someone would lean to one side, but in essence we are both saying I will do it when the other person bends and no one wants to be the first to do that. So that is how it will end. In the end the egos win out. My pride isn't bruised and her desires aren't compromised so in essence we both get what we want.

She will have other opportunities to go before the law and it will be interesting to see if it happens without movement from my side. What she wants I can give her IF she is with me, but I am not moving to that place. It doesn't have to end, but it is going to. I am confident she won't bend and I am confident that I won't either. Childish but it is effective at making a statement.

Friday, December 26, 2008

As if tears were currency

It is done, it has been said. We will settle and lay down this bed. The pain rolls in like waves at my reality. It seems as though we will look back on this years from now and think of how foolish we have been. My father told me that in the end of every divorce it is ego that is the culprit of the undoing. I am not going to bend and neither is she. There is no trust and it is evident. I am not going to move in to her place for my own personal reasons that are significant to me and she forgot to stand by me in front of the authorities and those were the only two things that I asked for. For her she is going to keep her place and perhaps she did oversleep. Maybe it was important for her, but I am not to guess. The pain cuts through me like a blade and I cannot officially function. There is no escape from this depression as tears assail me at every turn. There is no cool points earned here, no manly bravado protected. No I cry like a if it mattered.

In the end our egos both get what they wanted. I stood my ground about the gross disrespect that I am feeling and I was not disgraced by moving into her place and she was not humiliated by giving up her place which is the vanguard of her independence from me and she didn't have to do anything that she didn't want to do in the first place. So our egos win, maybe we will look back on it 20 years from now and say wow we were stupid, but then we probably won't be hurting and will be able to see clearly. We will tell others to tell their spouses the truth about their feelings because holding it all in is only going to make it worse. We will probably tell others to take their religion so that it is easy for them, but if they are consistent then insha Allah they will be successful.

I am not getting married again and I can say that at this moment in full confidence because my pain doesn't let me see anything else. My heart is completely broken and does not have any hope for anything vaguely romantic in the future. I am fine.

I went to Barnes and Nobles this morning after the sunrise and I was looking at Wedding Photography in hopes of getting some clues and I fell into tears and had to run out of the store. It was all mildly dramatic, but true. Oh well I hope she doesn't change her mind on the visitation. I can live with it. It isn't perfect, but I can live with it. Hopefully this will all be over soon. I believe that it is Allah that has prevented us from getting back together, because it seems that we tried and it just isn't working. It is broken and there is no fixing it. Unless she bends, because I am not and I'm sure she feels the same. That is what loss of trust will do for you. You know the whole put your gun down first thing.

Oh well that is one crown up for a shaytan.

Allah protects me in ways I cannot comprehend. I was invited out and I fell asleep, I think back to the Prophet SAAW when he tried to go and get his groove on and he fell asleep each time on the way to the festival and he finally gave up. Subhannallah. It didn't happen in that language, but the end result is the same. Prayer comes between a person and his sin. It just does.

The tears come as an assailant in and out time and again it is work to keep a straight face. Sometimes there just aren't enough bathroom stalls, or your car is too far, or that vicious dust spec always seems to fall just right in my eye.

Will it ever end.


I will not get depressed. I will not get depressed. I will not get depressed. I will not get depressed. I will not get depressed. I will not get depressed. I will not get depressed. I will not get depressed.

It is too late for that, but it has a catchy ring to it.

Life then slips into a new dawn, there is no quitting for this soldier, nothing but to move on
the day will not pause, It will not stop, this sorrow will go on, No break in this
No more happiness to hope for, No more silent bliss

I am Done.


Thursday, December 25, 2008

The Hurt is substantial

I called my Employee Assistance Program yesterday and I got cut off and they didn't call back. Maybe I will call them again today. I told them I was depressed, I guess this is the wrong time of year to get depressed. Sometimes you have to make a decision and stick to it. Earlier this week her and I got into a major argument that allowed me to unload all of my negative feelings and set the table straight as to how I was feeling. Everything that I should not have said, I said and even then I had some twisted kind of hope that this would all go away, but how could I be more wrong. I'm typing here because I don't feel that I have anyone else to talk to. Family is cool but sometimes you want to broaden your feedback or anonymize it. So I had hope and I basically boiled it down to two needs to even begin to build a foundation of trust between her and I. The first was she talk to whomever and go through the process of getting this case thrown out and second I was not moving into her house. My Mom has a rental property that is 3 bedroom that will fit our whole family instead of 6 people being crammed into a 2 bedroom apartment tearing it up and vanquishing any chance of a security deposit. Those were the two things I needed to move on. The truth had long been sacrificed as a necessity. I was going to go to counseling to cope with my issues and we were going to try to make it work. She knew of the appointment she had scheduled it weeks ago, she had reminded me she knew of it on that day, she knew the day, she knew the time, but when it came it just simply was too much of an inconvenience to remember it or extend that kind of kindness. What was left of my hope for us shattered in that moment of false surprise "That was Today!" my tears flowed like a river and the reality of my existence became manifest, now there is nothing but hurt. Good job and good-bye can be the only recompense.

Apparently I am simply not that important. I am now suddenly gripped with the reality that 6 years of my life and a love that I thought was real was just a mirage. That the commitment was merely a coping mechanism for another problem altogether. I only had a little and now I have nothing. I was in tears. I am simply not a priority in her life or apparently the life of my children as far as she is concerned. This "favor" was not something that was necessary at building any type of trust between us. So I think once and for all I need to set this down. She will go in for child-support I am sure and I will let one of the houses go so that I can pay it. I think she just needs to figure out whether or not she wants to play the family role and leave the kids in daycare all day or if she wants to be the single carefree girl. I'm not even trying to ask for child-support. I just want my kids. She just simply doesn't care about me and that is my reality, that is how I feel and that is the way that it is.

I'm done I have nothing for anyone. I cannot get into a relationship right now, I have nothing to give. I only have this rope of Allah and my Deen. The sadness is enduring, but I am alotted that. I wonder how long can I mourn this? 3 days, I'm going to need help. I'm done. This race has been lost.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Going Raw

I have seriously considered going completely Raw however I realize that I am not going to be able to do that completely. Honestly. So I began to really think about this whole

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Digital Frustration

There is nothing more irritating than finding out you are missing over 1000 ~ 2000 shots of stuff. I have been going through my pictures and sure enough I am missing about 2K shots of pictures that I took with my little Nikon E950 camera. My first foray into digital photography. All and all this little baby churned out over 10K shots. It missed a few choice shots as the auto focus would seek and search and the start up time would irritate me but all and all it did a great job of capturing awesome photos. I would still be using it if the battery door didn't break off and leave me having to find tape solutions to keep it closed.

I am so irritated about my shots that I have lost. Oh well it is all just stuff. I can't believe that I didn't have backups or maybe I did and accidentally deleted them. Oy Vay. This little camera took some awesome shots though I can't really say that I was disappointed with it. Still though I am irritated that my pictures are gone. You know how that is.

There were just some events that I missed and I wanted to go back and look at and then I was like hey wait a minute where are these pictures and those pictures and what about these and I was like OMG I am missing so many pictures. Uggh I will get over it.

So Hard

There is nothing distant about my pain. It follows me only to remove the scab that once sealed the wound. The tears that lie underneath this false smile can only serve to confuse those who think just a little. Maybe it is the Shaytan that stirs them, but they are no faint memory. Do you think about me? The question is asked and the answer is daily. I do best when I don't. There is no pain then, no questions rambling through my brain trying desperately to understand what happened. My love is there, but my heart is cold, but I do still love her as I reflect upon my father and mother. On the phone everyday it seems, but they have gone their separate ways. Their pain so far is fresh as the morning dew. Maybe for us it will be different. We are trying to do something else maybe, but nothing has really changed. All the pixie dust in the world can't hide the reality of what we have. Maybe it was always there now only clearer and more profound, without the trappings of honeydew eyes and words of syrup.

My pain remains, perhaps hers does too. Maybe I will never understand, perhaps I wasn't meant to. I have but one goal and that is where I must start. To be in the lives of my kids and whatever else will be will have to fall in around that, but that is my primary focus.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Small Kindness

I met her this morning at sunrise which was awesome by the way and this was her last day in the states she is going back to Estonia, in fact she just emailed me because she checked her mail. I took this picture for her with my camera and I thought it came out rather well. I am seriously thinking of taking my little hobby to the next level. I have thousands of pictures way too many to count.

There was something simple about this morning an even exchange of human kindness. She was actually trying to video tape the sunrise on her little camera and I told her to hold the camera like that into the sun was going to burn out her sensor. Which it is probably actually toast now because she was holding it for much longer than a few minutes.

Innocent exchanges are priceless, moments of kindness never last so you can only recreate them with a different perfect stranger that you don't want anything from. Some homeless men asked me for the time which I gladly gave them, but I didn't ask them to pose. I suppose I haven't gotten that bold yet, but one day. I admire Still's work this guy is awesome I should have studied with him when we were stationed together. Oh well you live and you learn and then you must decide which moments mean the most. Especially the boring and mundane ones.

Go out and do some small kindness. It can be addictive. I have to clean my Mom's whole house and wash all of the sheets and yada yada, but hey it is what it is. It will be trashed again soon. LOL, but hey I love her so what she did it for me when I was small. Alhamdulillah.

Monday, December 15, 2008

The Secret lives of Cows

My poor blog has been long neglected, but this day I take a pause for the cause to drop a note or two. Poetry flows into my life like a distant wind rustling nervously between two palm trees as I ponder life and Deen. To be offered all of the evils that the heart desires and to turn it down is saying something, but admittedly my duas serve me better than my willpower. If I had to actually say no, then I would probably be in a lot more trouble, but I have been having fun. Living life, living within my means. Not really cause I can't pay rent, but hey things are going ok. I owe my Mom like 6K now, but oh well I will pay her back, otherwise I will have to hear about it for the rest of my life.

I have been thinking about that Hadith where it is explained that there will be people that will do the actions of the people of paradise until they get to a point and start doing the actions of the people of hellfire and there will be people who do the actions of the people of hellfire until they get to a point and they start doing the actions of the people of paradise and wind up in either place respectively. I can totally see how that can happen now. Through anger and resentment, frustration, malice and hardening of heart and especially if it is all displaced how one can put the blame inappropriately onto Allah. Then in doing so reap havoc onto themselves. You always have to begin with the end in mind. As traumatic as this experience has been I have learned to let go, stand my ground and love my life just as it is. Stuff isn't as important anymore, just genuine help and caring and those things that are real in life.

Still moments like sunrises on a cool morning are things that last more than many others. Life really is only what is happening right now, this moment, this Salaat, this fast, this dhikr, this kindness. There are no next moments. AsSoofi ibnuhu waqtihi. The Sufi is the son of his moment. To realize what is important. These words, These expressions this embrace this sharing, this NOW is all that there is. Don't wait until tomorrow for there is no tomorrow and definitely not one without Insha Allah. We go on into the future one step at a time, one moment, one prayer slowly crawling into the future. Now is all that there is.


My photography is taking off. I did an event or two but I didn't get paid for them. Soon I will though. Holding myself back from Camera & Lens envy, because it is just stuff in the end. Stuff, how it used to shape my world. Now that my credit is shot it isn't important at all. It is just stuff, money, wealth, clothes, homes, businesses, property; it is all just stuff and as it is collected it becomes JUNK meaningless junk that has attached to it a memory that means something, but the memory has meaning the stuff does not. None of it has any worth that is not glorifying Allah. What where the three things that carry on? A Masjid, a thing of use or a righteous child. Other than that Stuff has no value. Build Masjids and libraries, but built without faith and fear of Allah it all reverts back to just Stuff.

DID you THINK that you could say that you believe with out being tested?

Yep it is in the book I didn't check which Surah but it is in there.

Fags, Freaks and Deviants of all sorts!!

I know some of my readers hate when I use that word but if some blacks call each other nigger I'm more than sure that some homosexuals call each other Fags so get over it. The Prophet said that as a man is before Islam he shall be after Islam. If you were a liar before Islam saying Ashadu Anla illaha Illallah is not going to magically change that characteristic. If you were a Fag before Islam becoming Muslim doesn't magically make you want to stop that practice after you utter the words. If you were a bigot or sunken in negativity prior to Islam you don't start to magically start becoming Mr. Positive and all encompassing after you utter the Shahadatain. It would be great but it doesn't work that way. So Sakinah and I are Quasi back together, well we are together but it is all f****ed up. I am confident that we will make it though, but it is still f***ed up. It is what it is. So I look at myself while I was single I could have done it all. Became a complete swinger and explored all of my freakiness (yes if you are a Freak before Islam you will still be a Freak after Islam) but I didn't and I think that is the key. Islam doesn't tell you that you can't it tells you how. Except for homosexuality I don't know how those guys and girls are going to cope. It will be a jihad for them as it is for every other sexual deviant. If you were an anal fiend before Islam that is going to be a test to stay away from it after Islam it will be especially hard if your wife is begging for it. If I were to go into polygamy it would be hard for me to abstain from doing the whole ménage a trios thing. It is that way though even in halal there is test of what you do and not do. Everyone is tested. Some are tested in some ways and others in other ways. Balance is often just out of reach and problems and drama spring up from all around.

I pray that all of the freaky Muslims out there are given the strength to abstain and hold on to the Rope and make it through to the other side. There is a halal outlet or a halal focus to keep us from that slippery slope that calls us all when the silence rolls in. Run until you are exhausted maybe in that is salvation. Running from the Hellfire is a full time job. Allah save us all from our mouths and our Loins.

Cows graze but at night Allah still sees them.

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Redefining Black

It is about time that BLACK needs to be redefined so let me begin...

There are a multitude of negative connotations associated with black as can be found in any dictionary and the larger the dictionary the more references and negative connotations abound. Such as:

Definitions of black on the Web:

  • being of the achromatic color of maximum darkness; having little or no hue owing to absorption of almost all incident light; "black leather ...
  • of or belonging to a racial group having dark skin especially of sub-Saharan African origin; "a great people--a black people--...injected new meaning and dignity into the veins of civilization"- Martin Luther King Jr.
  • marked by anger or resentment or hostility; "black looks"; "black words"
  • offering little or no hope; "the future looked black"; "prospects were bleak"; "Life in the Aran Islands has always been bleak and difficult"- J.M.Synge; "took a dim view of things"
  • stemming from evil characteristics or forces; wicked or dishonorable; "black deeds"; "a black lie"; "his black heart has concocted yet another black deed"; "Darth Vader of the dark side"; "a dark purpose"; "dark undercurrents of ethnic hostility"; "the scheme of some sinister intelligence bent ...
  • (of events) having extremely unfortunate or dire consequences; bringing ruin; "the stock market crashed on Black Friday"; "a calamitous defeat"; "the battle was a disastrous end to a disastrous campaign"; "such doctrines, if true, would be absolutely fatal to my theory"- Charles Darwin; "it is ...
  • (of the face) made black especially as with suffused blood; "a face black with fury"
  • the quality or state of the achromatic color of least lightness (bearing the least resemblance to white)
  • extremely dark; "a black moonless night"; "through the pitch-black woods"; "it was pitch-dark in the cellar"
  • total darkness: total absence of light; "they fumbled around in total darkness"; "in the black of night"
  • harshly ironic or sinister; "black humor"; "a grim joke"; "grim laughter"; "fun ranging from slapstick clowning ... to savage mordant wit"
  • British chemist who identified carbon dioxide and who formulated the concepts of specific heat and latent heat (1728-1799)
  • (of intelligence operations) deliberately misleading; "black propaganda"
  • popular child actress of the 1930's (born in 1928)
  • bootleg: distributed or sold illicitly; "the black economy pays no taxes"
  • a person with dark skin who comes from Africa (or whose ancestors came from Africa)
  • (used of conduct or character) deserving or bringing disgrace or shame; "Man...has written one of his blackest records as a destroyer on the oceanic islands"- Rachel Carson; "an ignominious retreat"; "inglorious defeat"; "an opprobrious monument to human greed"; "a shameful display of cowardice"
  • (board games) the darker pieces
  • (of coffee) without cream or sugar
  • blacken: make or become black; "The smoke blackened the ceiling"; "The ceiling blackened"
  • black clothing (worn as a sign of mourning); "the widow wore black"
  • soiled with dirt or soot; "with feet black from playing outdoors"; "his shirt was black within an hour"

So as you can see over the years and years of institutionalized racism how this tends to get out of hand. So let's REdefine BLACK because it is the primary term used to define African Americans in this country