Friday, December 26, 2008

As if tears were currency

It is done, it has been said. We will settle and lay down this bed. The pain rolls in like waves at my reality. It seems as though we will look back on this years from now and think of how foolish we have been. My father told me that in the end of every divorce it is ego that is the culprit of the undoing. I am not going to bend and neither is she. There is no trust and it is evident. I am not going to move in to her place for my own personal reasons that are significant to me and she forgot to stand by me in front of the authorities and those were the only two things that I asked for. For her she is going to keep her place and perhaps she did oversleep. Maybe it was important for her, but I am not to guess. The pain cuts through me like a blade and I cannot officially function. There is no escape from this depression as tears assail me at every turn. There is no cool points earned here, no manly bravado protected. No I cry like a baby...as if it mattered.

In the end our egos both get what they wanted. I stood my ground about the gross disrespect that I am feeling and I was not disgraced by moving into her place and she was not humiliated by giving up her place which is the vanguard of her independence from me and she didn't have to do anything that she didn't want to do in the first place. So our egos win, maybe we will look back on it 20 years from now and say wow we were stupid, but then we probably won't be hurting and will be able to see clearly. We will tell others to tell their spouses the truth about their feelings because holding it all in is only going to make it worse. We will probably tell others to take their religion so that it is easy for them, but if they are consistent then insha Allah they will be successful.

I am not getting married again and I can say that at this moment in full confidence because my pain doesn't let me see anything else. My heart is completely broken and does not have any hope for anything vaguely romantic in the future. I am fine.

I went to Barnes and Nobles this morning after the sunrise and I was looking at Wedding Photography in hopes of getting some clues and I fell into tears and had to run out of the store. It was all mildly dramatic, but true. Oh well I hope she doesn't change her mind on the visitation. I can live with it. It isn't perfect, but I can live with it. Hopefully this will all be over soon. I believe that it is Allah that has prevented us from getting back together, because it seems that we tried and it just isn't working. It is broken and there is no fixing it. Unless she bends, because I am not and I'm sure she feels the same. That is what loss of trust will do for you. You know the whole put your gun down first thing.

Oh well that is one crown up for a shaytan.

Allah protects me in ways I cannot comprehend. I was invited out and I fell asleep, I think back to the Prophet SAAW when he tried to go and get his groove on and he fell asleep each time on the way to the festival and he finally gave up. Subhannallah. It didn't happen in that language, but the end result is the same. Prayer comes between a person and his sin. It just does.

The tears come as an assailant in and out time and again it is work to keep a straight face. Sometimes there just aren't enough bathroom stalls, or your car is too far, or that vicious dust spec always seems to fall just right in my eye.

Will it ever end.

Done.

I will not get depressed. I will not get depressed. I will not get depressed. I will not get depressed. I will not get depressed. I will not get depressed. I will not get depressed. I will not get depressed.

It is too late for that, but it has a catchy ring to it.

Life then slips into a new dawn, there is no quitting for this soldier, nothing but to move on
the day will not pause, It will not stop, this sorrow will go on, No break in this
No more happiness to hope for, No more silent bliss

I am Done.

Peace

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