Thursday, December 25, 2008

The Hurt is substantial

I called my Employee Assistance Program yesterday and I got cut off and they didn't call back. Maybe I will call them again today. I told them I was depressed, I guess this is the wrong time of year to get depressed. Sometimes you have to make a decision and stick to it. Earlier this week her and I got into a major argument that allowed me to unload all of my negative feelings and set the table straight as to how I was feeling. Everything that I should not have said, I said and even then I had some twisted kind of hope that this would all go away, but how could I be more wrong. I'm typing here because I don't feel that I have anyone else to talk to. Family is cool but sometimes you want to broaden your feedback or anonymize it. So I had hope and I basically boiled it down to two needs to even begin to build a foundation of trust between her and I. The first was she talk to whomever and go through the process of getting this case thrown out and second I was not moving into her house. My Mom has a rental property that is 3 bedroom that will fit our whole family instead of 6 people being crammed into a 2 bedroom apartment tearing it up and vanquishing any chance of a security deposit. Those were the two things I needed to move on. The truth had long been sacrificed as a necessity. I was going to go to counseling to cope with my issues and we were going to try to make it work. She knew of the appointment she had scheduled it weeks ago, she had reminded me she knew of it on that day, she knew the day, she knew the time, but when it came it just simply was too much of an inconvenience to remember it or extend that kind of kindness. What was left of my hope for us shattered in that moment of false surprise "That was Today!" my tears flowed like a river and the reality of my existence became manifest, now there is nothing but hurt. Good job and good-bye can be the only recompense.

Apparently I am simply not that important. I am now suddenly gripped with the reality that 6 years of my life and a love that I thought was real was just a mirage. That the commitment was merely a coping mechanism for another problem altogether. I only had a little and now I have nothing. I was in tears. I am simply not a priority in her life or apparently the life of my children as far as she is concerned. This "favor" was not something that was necessary at building any type of trust between us. So I think once and for all I need to set this down. She will go in for child-support I am sure and I will let one of the houses go so that I can pay it. I think she just needs to figure out whether or not she wants to play the family role and leave the kids in daycare all day or if she wants to be the single carefree girl. I'm not even trying to ask for child-support. I just want my kids. She just simply doesn't care about me and that is my reality, that is how I feel and that is the way that it is.

I'm done I have nothing for anyone. I cannot get into a relationship right now, I have nothing to give. I only have this rope of Allah and my Deen. The sadness is enduring, but I am alotted that. I wonder how long can I mourn this? 3 days, I'm going to need help. I'm done. This race has been lost.

No comments:

Post a Comment