Wednesday, December 17, 2008

So Hard

There is nothing distant about my pain. It follows me only to remove the scab that once sealed the wound. The tears that lie underneath this false smile can only serve to confuse those who think just a little. Maybe it is the Shaytan that stirs them, but they are no faint memory. Do you think about me? The question is asked and the answer is daily. I do best when I don't. There is no pain then, no questions rambling through my brain trying desperately to understand what happened. My love is there, but my heart is cold, but I do still love her as I reflect upon my father and mother. On the phone everyday it seems, but they have gone their separate ways. Their pain so far is fresh as the morning dew. Maybe for us it will be different. We are trying to do something else maybe, but nothing has really changed. All the pixie dust in the world can't hide the reality of what we have. Maybe it was always there now only clearer and more profound, without the trappings of honeydew eyes and words of syrup.

My pain remains, perhaps hers does too. Maybe I will never understand, perhaps I wasn't meant to. I have but one goal and that is where I must start. To be in the lives of my kids and whatever else will be will have to fall in around that, but that is my primary focus.

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