Monday, April 28, 2008

Listen... My last post ever.

For years I used my internet activity to subsidize my lack of a social life. It became my world, and through it I went out and connected to all of you. My world has ended today, and I am now alone. The arrangement allows me to continue to be a father, but I am a husband no more. I just couldn't say no, or rather keep saying no. I couldn't do it. You aren't tested everyday with tests in your life, but on the big days when the big tests come that is the day that will make the difference. Your resolve can wilt away in under a week. Today is the end of something beautiful, something pure and innocent. All I can say brothers if you are thinking about a second wife don't if you care for her at all. Don't let it consume your thoughts. Don't let your sexual fantasies cloud your thinking. If you care it will be you both that will end up getting hurt in the end. I can guarantee you. If you care about her it will be the worst expression of your weakness. If you care, you will ruin your life. If you care. If she is just someone to pass the time and have babies for you then it will do you no matter, but if you care you will lose everything. Guys that care always lose in polygamy. Guys that don't well they really didn't care in the first place.

I want to thank all of you who have supported me, chastised and admonished me and challenged me over the years. I leave this blog online as a study for students of knowledge to find and trace the steps of how one's sin and desires can ruin them.

AsSalaamu A'laikum Goodbye all.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Hypocrisy

You have to look at hypocrisy. It is something that is probably the most effective weapon against doing good. Because if you are a hypocrite then you feel that you can't speak at all about a subject. However this should not be the case. Everyone has something to contribute and your wisdom is valid, your character may be called into question and who wants that. However I think that it is the most valuable tool in Shaytan's arsenal. I'm not talking about hardcore hypocrisy though, the wolf in sheep's clothing type, but the subtle type that we all do.

The alcoholic can tell you first hand that alcoholism is not a good thing, but they may not be able to stop. The banker may be able to tell you all the wise investments but he himself is broke. You get the picture. The important thing is that we speak out on our issues and experiences regardless of how they may expose our character.

Becoming the pre-P Muhammad

How in the world do I accomplish this task. Before P every sister my wife knew wanted a Muhammad at home. After and during P this was not the case. Now that P is dead with us how do I get the magic back. How do I hold her in my hand so that she won't fly away. I'm not into that whole clenched fist thing. How do I get back to trying day after day.

I can't say that P was all bad because out of it several good reality checks came on both sides. Now my wife is being happy because she is happy not because she is making me happy and I am quickly coming to the reality that I need to find my own happiness, because now she is not responsible for it. So we both lost that undying love and dedication that we once had and so now we have to dust it off and start polishing it back to the beautiful shine that it once had.

How do I get back to pre-P though that is the question that I must ask myself. HOW to be a better husband? No not better the best, but only better because I was the best before P.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

P is an addiction

Hello my name is Muhammad and I'm a polygamist. Why because it is an addiction. People have asked me about this thing and the best that I can come up with is that it is an addiction, because it is the only thing that would explain how something that causes so much pain can still be entertained. Even after all of the pain it still crosses my mind. My marriage is hanging on by threads and it still crosses my mind. No sane person would endure this kind of pain and still return to that thing that caused it in the first place unless it was an addiction. Now for us we have put P in its place and quietly stuffed it away never to be opened again, EVER. I am happy with that decision and so is my wife. However in the words of Ani Difranco, Fuel.

And they say that alcoholics are always alcoholics
Even when they're as dry as my lips for years
Even when they're stranded on a small desert island
With no place within 2,000 miles to buy beer
And I wonder
Is he different?
Is he different?
Has he changed? what's he about?..
Or is he just a liar with nothing to lie about?

Two marriages and the same problem of P. Same devastating effects, same shit different day. One divorce and one incredibly shaken beautiful marriage. Then as if the tempting of P didn't shake the tree hard enough the first time we went back at it again. I am glad to say that when I was accosted by a beautiful woman with a proposition of P I was finally strong enough to say no. Maybe I am getting better and then maybe not, because that was probably the flimsiest no I ever heard.

The Quran says:

6:27 If thou couldst but see when they are confronted with the Fire! They will say: "Would that we were but sent back! Then would we not reject the signs of our Lord, but would be amongst those who believe!"
This isn't the verse that I was looking for the verse that I was looking for said that if they were sent back to the life of this world they would return back to their sins, but I can't find it. So anyway I am writing this over a couple of days so my thoughts have trailed off. However the point that I am making is that P is an addiction and I am on the wagon and forever there I shall stay. I think that is the only way to describe the madness that is P. To make it worse no one is on your side it seems. It is halaal so it is a decision that is entirely left up to you. People advise against it, there are evidences of the destruction it causes in plain view, but still it holds a mighty sway. It takes massive self-restraint to withstand it and not completely delude yourself with delusions of saving the world by coming to the rescue of some maiden in distress. P is powerful and takes serious soul searching to put back into a box and tuck it away or bury it. I think I am a recovering P longer and will remain so the rest of my days. If you are contemplating P look at all that you have and then go and sit somewhere in an empty white room and imagine that this is what will be left of your life. The voices in your head will tell you that you are better than the rest, but those cases are like winning the lottery and the odds stand significantly against you. Reflect on it and then put it down, you will be glad that you did. Trust me.



Monday, April 21, 2008

Thanks for your time

A young man learns what's most important in life from the guy next door.

It had been some time since Jack had seen the old man. College, girls, career, and life itself got in the way. In fact, Jack moved clear across the country in pursuit of his dreams. There, in the rush of his busy life, Jack had little time to think about the past and often no time to spend with his wife and son. He was working on his future, and nothing could stop him.

Over the phone, his mother told him, "Mr. Belser died last night. The funeral is Wednesday." Memories flashed through his mind like an old newsreel as he sat quietly remembering his childhood days.

"Jack, did you hear me?"

"Oh, sorry, Mom. Yes, I heard you. It's been so long since I thought of him. I'm sorry, but I honestly thought he died years ago," Jack said.


"Well, he didn't forget you. Every time I saw him he'd ask how you were doing. He'd reminisce about the many days you spent over 'his side of the fence' as he put it," Mom told him.

"I loved that old house he lived in," Jack said.


"You know, Jack, after your father died, Mr. Belser stepped in to make sure you had a man's influence in your life," she said


"
He's the one who taught me carpentry," he said. "I wouldn't be in this business if it weren't for him. He spent a lot of time teaching me things he thought were important...Mom, I'll be there for the funeral," Jack said.



As busy as he was, he kept his word. Jack caught the next flight to his hometown. Mr. Belser's funeral was small and uneventful. He had no children of his own, and most of his relatives had passed away.


The night before he had to return home, Jack and his Mom stopped by to see the old house next door one more time.


Standing in the doorway, Jack paused for a moment. It was like crossing over into another dimension, a leap through space and time The house was exactly as he remembered. Every step held memories. Every picture, every piece of furniture....Jack stopped suddenly.


"What's wrong, Jack?" his Mom asked.


"The box is gone," he said


"What box?" Mom asked.


"There was a small gold box that he kept locked on top of his desk. I must have asked him a thousand times what was inside. All he'd ever tell me was 'the thing I value most,'" Jack said.


It was gone. Everything about the house was exactly how Jack remembered it, except for the box. He figured someone from the Belser family had taken it.


"Now I'll never know what was so valuable to him," Jack said. "I better get some sleep. I have an early flight home, Mom."


It had been about two weeks since Mr. Belser died Returning home from work one day Jack discovered a note in his mailbox. "Signature required on a package. No one at home. Please stop by the main post office within the next three days," the note read.


Early the next day Jack retrieved the package. The small box was old and looked like it had been mailed a hundred years ago. The handwriting was difficult to read, but the return address caught his attention. "Mr. Harold Belser" it read. Jack took the box out to his car and ripped open the package. There inside was the gold box and an envelope. Jack's hands shook as he read the note inside.


"Upon my death, please forward this box and its contents to Jack Bennett. It's the thing I valued most in my life." A small key was taped to the letter. His heart racing, as tears filling his eyes, Jack carefully unlocked the box. There inside he found a beautiful gold pocket watch.


Running his fingers slowly over the finely etched casing, he unlatched the cover. Inside he found these words engraved:


"Jack, Thanks for your time! -Harold Belser."


"The thing he valued most was...my time"


Jack held the watch for a few minutes, then called his office and cleared his appointments for the next two days. "Why?" Janet, his assistant asked.


"I need some time to spend with my son," he said.


"Oh, by the way, Janet, thanks for your time!"


Think about this. You may not realize it, but it's 100% true.


1 At least 2 people in this world love you so much they would die for you.

2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.

3. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.

4. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.

5 You mean the world to someone.

6. If not for you, someone may not be living.

7. You are special and unique.

8. When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you trust God to do what's best, and wait on His time, sooner or later, you will get it or something better.

9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good can still come from it.

10. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world.

11. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.

12. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.

13. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know and you'll both be happy.

14. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great.

Send this letter to all the people you care about, if you do so, you will certainly brighten someone's day and might change their perspective on life...for the better.

"Thanks for your time"

Sunday, April 20, 2008

86 Days till sunrise

I have 86 Days until I get back to the states. Tons of stuff is happening my head is swirling around like a top and this spiral doesn't seem like it is going to end. However this too shall pass. It will be alright. I've got some stuff to tell, lessons learned, things about myself. Growing and blossoming into a new me. Very exciting times. Sakinah and I will probably make it I'm sure, you never know what kinds of tests are coming your way though. Much more to come.

Friday, April 18, 2008

I'm back

Here it is I am back. Things are what they are. This little blog is mine and that is all that there is. It is my little corner of the world and it makes me happy having it. It is rough for us right now and I am probably not going to go into a lot of personal stuff, just so that it is easier to deal with. I still have my reflections though and I will impart my words of wisdom here. It is the only way I feel connected to the real world.

It is what it is and that is all that it is.

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

And I think we will make it



There was a lot of pain and a lot of tears and a lot of fears, but we hashed through quite a bit and I think we will make it. Alhamdulillah.