Becoming the pre-P Muhammad
How in the world do I accomplish this task. Before P every sister my wife knew wanted a Muhammad at home. After and during P this was not the case. Now that P is dead with us how do I get the magic back. How do I hold her in my hand so that she won't fly away. I'm not into that whole clenched fist thing. How do I get back to trying day after day.
I can't say that P was all bad because out of it several good reality checks came on both sides. Now my wife is being happy because she is happy not because she is making me happy and I am quickly coming to the reality that I need to find my own happiness, because now she is not responsible for it. So we both lost that undying love and dedication that we once had and so now we have to dust it off and start polishing it back to the beautiful shine that it once had.
How do I get back to pre-P though that is the question that I must ask myself. HOW to be a better husband? No not better the best, but only better because I was the best before P.
I can't say that P was all bad because out of it several good reality checks came on both sides. Now my wife is being happy because she is happy not because she is making me happy and I am quickly coming to the reality that I need to find my own happiness, because now she is not responsible for it. So we both lost that undying love and dedication that we once had and so now we have to dust it off and start polishing it back to the beautiful shine that it once had.
How do I get back to pre-P though that is the question that I must ask myself. HOW to be a better husband? No not better the best, but only better because I was the best before P.
Asalaamu Alaikum,
ReplyDeleteWhy do you treat polygyny like it is something wrong? And like that something wrong lies within you. Polygyny is natural, it is pure and it is halaal. I think that maybe you have allowed western morays to institutionalize your way of thinking. You remind me of an anorexic, someone who has taught themselves that eating food is a crime. Stop beating yourself up. Just because you have made a vow to not partake doesn't mean you are twisted because you like it.
As for your wife, just take one day at a time and allow your relationship to evolve. Don't keep looking back at what was, look ahead at what can and will be. Allah ya'inuk.
I'm not treating it like it is something wrong. I am only reflecting on the devastation that it has caused in my life by longing for it. It is not wrong that it lies in me, but it is wrong that I didn't suppress it for the love of my wife. There is a lot of grandstanding that can be done about the halaalness of it and everything, but at the end of the day I am faced with the possible end of a very beautiful person, the loss of my best friend and my very beautiful wife. One who tried her damndest every day to ensure that I was happy. The one who was my shelter in the storm that is life. The one who I have loved so deeply with all of my being, my essence, my soul. The one who I have not loved any deeper than and who I will never be able to replace even if I searched a thousand years. If this loss is permanent it would be a loss profound and lasting until the end of time.
ReplyDeleteMy wife was never a possession. She graced me with herself and I violated that beauty out of greed of nafs. There are men who do polygamy and have no problem. I have talked to them and their hearts the ones that I have met don't tie their hearts into such relationships. They gain and dispense with those relationships as their hearts sway this way or that. My heart is tied to Sakinah and it was wrong for me to ever fancy the thought of P.
Now I wait to see what is the outcome of what seems a completely inevitable doom that is not wanted by either of us, but the sad reality is you can only push a woman so far before you break the rib.