Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Single Again!!! Unofficially Official

So yesterday came and went. I went to my meetup and it was great. The giant epiphany hit me that I have 36 months to get my life together or I will be out on the streets. 40 credits until my degree, or at least the first one. After that I think I will burn through my G.I. Bill. I'll get the BAH and everything so smooth. Need to focus on getting my feelers out there and I need to focus on getting things done. So often I take a wait and lets see approach. That approach apparently dragged this reality out as long as it did. If I would have stuck with my first decision to cut it when I found out the things that I did then I would have went through and really pushed for the process that I started almost a year ago.

Back to blogging it feels great. The silence about my dead relationship will remain respectable. There are some observations that I am going to make though that just need to be said. One Polygamy and whatever problems you go through in it is twofold. A state of mind and action based. The state of mind has to do with your perception of what is being done to you, and the actions are based in how you react to what is done to you and what is actually being done to you. There are three versions to every story person A's perspective, person B's perspective and the truth. Jumble them altogether and the result is kind of a wash. That is not to say that people aren't abusive in the things that they do, nor is it to say that people don't take things for granted. Those types of things happen. A relationship is a relationship whether it is a triangle or one on one, either way it can work depending on the mindset and the perceptions of the people involved.

Wow man it feels good to blog again. So check back the snippets of life that is life will roll off these lips and onto your screen. So stay tuned.

Monday, March 30, 2009

Metamorphisis

You know how you experience a traumatic life event and then you awaken out of the cacoon and you have this thirst for life. That is where I am. I want to live and make a few changes. Getting out of the habit of bathing in the morning is one. I used to always used to shower in the morning because of the ghusls. But now THAT is not a problem. I suppose now I just want to get more organized in life and kind of screw my head on straight set some goals and go for it. I'm trying to make the best of my whole photography gig, but even photographers tell you to get a full time gig. I have a couple of other avenues to root out in terms of employment and I also have to round out my degree, but I am so disassociated with my degree at this time that I wonder if I should change my major all together, but maybe I will just finish and then just add on degrees after that.

I feel a wardrobe change coming on, but I struggle between the whole not trying to project I'm available and being frumpy. I know how to dress, I know how to cook, how to be a Dad and keep a house, but between being lazy and getting it all together I can only reflect on "To know and not do, is yet not to know". Do you know what I mean? So I'm living life to its fullest. My kids and I had a good time this weekend. My Mom wanted to go down to the Coast Guard base and go fishing, so I helped her out and then the kids and I went down to South Pointe Park on South Beach and of course I walked them until they were exhausted. I love doing that it is the best. You can rest assured that they are going to crash after that. They did after we Finally made it back to my Mom's fishing spot. She caught a couple of fish, and she enjoyed herself and that was good.

I have found that www.meetup.com is awesome for getting out and meeting people and warding off the blues. I am long past the getting the blues stage and now I am kind of like in a bubble where I kind of want people in my life, but on my own terms and only as far as I want them there and only for how long I can tolerate them. Sometimes you just need a break. I have been seriously thinking of writing a Craigslist casual encounters ad just for fun. Just to see how ridiculous I could make it sound and then see how many responses I would actually get. Just for amusement, there was one person I had thought about talking to but rationalized myself out of it because I had NO BASIS to even go out for a coffee. So I didn't talk to her. The thing is I don't FEEL like talking to anyone. I feel like socializing and exchanging ideas and feeling the atmosphere, but that is about it. I'm going to a meetup tonight. I have also neglected some other obligations that I have had and now it is time for me to refocus myself on that effort. Probably just simply focus more on marketing and marketing techniques and learn from the pros.

Weekends usually go back and forth between one outing and one day intended to be dedicated to cleaning up the house. Actually I'm supposed to do laundry and clean up on Thursdays before they come so that I have all weekend with them but by the time I recouperate from the weekend it is already Thursday again. On Thursday's I sleep because I work taking pictures in a club on Thursday nights. So I'm usually spent on Fridays and I just have to find a way to get a nap. So Fridays are pretty chill and Saturday and Sundays are usually the adventure days. I enjoy the kids. This Sunday we sat back and listened to a lot of oldies from my collection. I wanted to go to the Amana Carnival but it started raining so I bailed out of that activity. So maybe next weekend. The Youth Fair is here again so I will be taking the kids to that. I may go twice, once for myself to walk around and see the sights and exhibitions which I have always enjoyed and one for the children because the are mostly concerned with the rides. I don't know how expensive it is going to be though. $8 admission plus tickets eww. Don't know if I am going to be rolling like that. We will see how I do on Thursday. I hate smelling like smoke coming from the club, and I wish that I could grab some business from somewhere else then I would drop that all together, but it is contact money and helps out with gas, so it is money that I wouldn't be making.

So Life is going good. Sakinah will be signing the papers soon and that chapter of life will be over. I want to agree with everything before we go back to the lawyer though so that there isn't any harangueing back and forth jacking the price up. So I think that it will all be over soon. The thing about it is When other events are brought up about our past I am amazed at the reserve that I have exhibited through all of this. When the whole thing comes into perspective it is very easy to dismiss much of what you did in light of the extent of things that you did not know. I'm not going to throw her under the bus on my blog though. I just wish her the best in her endeavors and I hope she finds peace from the things that trouble her the most. Other than that nothing needs to be said. Really.

Now on to my work. Peace out people.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Good News

Well to all of those who read my blog you can relax. My blog is not going to die, it is going to keep going strong. I will let it take on a new perspective. I have asked for two things this year. My kids and Hajj that is really all I am concerned about. Next year I will ask about advancing in my job. This year however all I want are those two things. I don't know how that is going to go down because I'm just going to agree to whatever so that it can all be over with. I just want it to be done with already just sign the papers and stroll along in whatever life you decide for yourself without the whole I tried my best drama. WHATEVER. You know what I mean. Seriously Allah has helped me all this time I am faithful that it is not going to stop now.

I don't have it to give.

So I'm sitting and chatting it up with my Housemate We'll call her Belle about relationships and what a woman needs and the reasons women cheat and stuff and just basic women emotional maintenance needs, and I am just like I can't do any of that crap right now. I don't want to do any of that crap right now, I don't have the energy to do any of that crap right now. I sat back and imagined what would actually happen if I were to meet someone that I actually wanted to talk to? "Hi my name is Muhammad and I think you are cute and interesting, but I don't have any energy for a relationship or your bullcrap right now, but I am working on it do you mind if I call you when I feel better?" Seriously folks I realize some things. I realize that I may have taken my wife for granted when we were married, and it is possible that I didn't make her feel the most loved. I mean I am listening to this laundry list of needs that my housemate is telling me and I am just like you know what maybe I wasn't proactive. That is possible, I don't have the energy nor desire to be proactive now. It does feel good to have your ego stroked once in a while, but I don't feel like putting up the initial effort that it takes to get someone else to that point.

Screw Love, for me it is just Allah, Making people feel good about life, dropping some sketches of wisdom and living this life that I have been given to make each day better than the last. However my relationship clock is definitely on hold.

I'm done, I don't care anymore either, well at least right now. I don't. I don't feel like buying flowers or opening doors or giving compliments or being the knight in shining armor. Girls can keep their coochies to themselves and keep on walking cause I really don't want to deal with it. I don't feel like touching anyone. I don't feel like making love to anyone. I don't feel like holding anyone. Women are beautiful and they are beautiful to look at, but that is about as far as I want to take it. Seriously.

peace

It is late, I'm tired and I didn't proof-read it so if I said something stupid expect it to get deleted when I wake up.

I proofread it that is pretty much the jist.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Don't get it twisted!!

For those who read my blog they feel concerned for me. For those who know me personally they feel sad about the situation and sad for the kids. For those who know the facts they feel Sad for me and worried for the kids. Check it out, Don't I'm fine. Everything that happened in this relationship happened for a reason and now that it is over it is time to move on. Allah knew what He was doing and He answered my prayers. I now know the truth the whole truth and you know what when I found out the whole shebangabang I could accept it in stride without getting upset, emotional or depressed. Alhamdulillah. So I went through what I went through for a reason and I have been cleansed. I am in charge of my own destiny, my head is up and pointed to my Creator. He alone is my Maula and He alone do I ask for help and when I ask I get, so don't fret for me. For now I truly lean on my Lord and He answers my prayers so the rest I am not really concerned with. Don't you be either. Life is good because I am praying and I haven't stopped praying and as long as I am praying I don't have anything to worry about. I am in control whether or not she chooses to continue or not, whether she takes my kids and runs off or not, whether I lose everything I own or not. I have Allah and I am good. Believe that so Don't Fret For Me and damned sure don't feel sorry for me. I knew what I was doing when I chose to give chance after chance, when I chose to forgive and forget, when I chose to drag this on for one more day. I knew what I was doing so for what ever was done to me will only make me stronger and you had best to believe I won't have to worry about it on the Day of Judgment. So just Chill to the next episode.

Life is and will always be a gift and that is Good. For those going through things keep your head up. No one can do anything against you they can only do things against themselves and that works both ways so be honest with yourself and be honest with others. Peace.

Muhammad

Now listen to the Music...

Time of My Life Lyrics
Artist(Band):Macy Gray

Verse 1

When there come and left for dead
I've been out of my head
and now i wanna be bigger
bein' here with you
it's not so hard to be
I can see my dreams
I know im gunna be better
my friends always say

Chorus

my friends always say
that everything will be okay
but it don't always, work out that way
so here i am again
beleivin in, cause i remember when
baby

I had the time of my life
everything is right with you
after all that i've been through
I aint tried to lose
this time of my life, with you
baby

Verse 2

People say I'm out of line
So much on my mind
Like i wanna be bigger
sometimes it dont rhyme
but when you're here with me
I have poetry
I know im gunna be better
and my friends always say


[Chorus]

One day they will see
the giant baby
finally see me smile
hear me laughing, out loud
my voice will be heard
its no longer absurd
and i hope you hear
cause baby, baby
i haaaaddd...

I had the time of my life
everything is right with you
after all that i've been through
I aint tried to lose
gotta make my move and groove
everything i can

I had the time of my life
time of my life, with you
baby, take my hand
because i wanna hold on to
this time of my life, with you
baby
i had the time of my life
time of my life, with you

Monday, March 23, 2009

The Dopamine is Dead

Ok I read it and guess what I figured out. The Dopamine in me is dead. I don't have any cause, I don't want a frigging relationship. So I suppose I am at the resignation stage where the reality of the relationship being over has set in. So I am at a place where there is no more pain and there is indifference that is growing to a point to save the whole me. Depression is gone and indifference remains. So I suppose that I would have healed faster using two methods. A. Find someone else to hump on. B. Taken antidepressants killing any traces of dopamine that develop in me.

Now that I am mostly indifferent there is talk of saving this thing collectively called marriage, but it hasn't resembled anything close to it for some time now. From the conversations it isn't going to resemble anything like it for years to come. I thought that it would be best for my kids if we got back together, but I always wonder, especially now.

I am too sleepy to write anything intelligible maybe I will finish this tomorrow where I can speak clearly.

Ok going on. Funny how more information always adds clarity to a situation. I mean even after the inevitable was made known more of it just brings everything into perspective. So I talked to a good friend who filled me in on a myriad of details and you can't help but feel sorry for someone after finding out something like that. Anyway moving right along. Going off of the paper I suppose that this process has went along as planned. First I prayed for the truth and every which way I turned there it was adding more and more facts on to this situation. Then I went through all of the stages listed in the paper, but really at the end I tried to save it for the benefit of the kids. However that just isn't going to work apparently because the problem that is being dealt with is much deeper than what it is at a cursory glance.

Then I knew about everything and because of TRUE love I chose to swallow a lot and continue on, but then the question came at what expense? Well the detachment things that go into place went into place and even after they were all in place and complete indifference had set in STILL I was willing to make the best of it, but true colors shine through again and again and you can't help but feel sorry and concerned. This whole experience however has been extremely traumatic for me and Alhamdulillah I am still holding onto the Rope. Alhamdulillah. However it has left me without a desire to get married again, EVER. I can only pray for custody of my children, but it will have to come out of a concerted effort between us, because I can't see it happening through the courts. I have placed my trust in Allah on that issue.

Happiness will never find you if you search for it OUTSIDE of your self. If you are never happy with the person you are then you will never be Happy.

Yes from the Paper romantic love has it's qualities, but I ask myself am I capable of Romantic Love again? I'm SO Jaded that I seriously doubt it. Kind of like Hi I'm Muhammad can you take this AIDS test and background screening. Can you agree to a hundred and 1 crazy stipulations at my whim? No one deserves that, so I will just be single. Sure I would probably love to be involved in a loving caring reciprocal relationship, but I'm not holding my breath. I know that if I never open my mouth again I will never have to worry about the stuff I have gone through EVER again.

Thanks for reading:)

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Blogging Costs... Not blogging costs more

Blogging has its costs with me. I tend to let it all out and ergo divulge probably too much information. Which then complicates the broth of trying to sort through a relationship. I started my blog as a sound board to the world so it wouldn't all seem so lonely. I enjoyed batting back and forth intellectually with individuals, but now after everything my blog has had its costs. It possibly made my intentions more real than they actually were. Probably made the reality of polygamy in my family more constant than it needed to be. Now that the dust of my life is winding down to filing of papers you see the regret. It is just what it is regret. So many things that weren't said and so many things that were. Life will go on though it always does whether you want it to or not.

I'm happy to see Safa and PM happy they sound so bright. As for myself I will be staying single. I think I have contributed to the corruption of Muslimahs enough for one lifetime, so for the sake of the whole Ummah I will remain single rather than f - up another family. I'm good, I have contributed 5 kids to the pot and decimated the Deen of 9 people I think it is safe to say I should stand down from the whole family screwing up business. I've been blessed with the desire to stay single so I'm good.

My Deen? Well I am still holding on to the Rope and am prepared to wrap it around my neck before letting it go. I moved a little further from the Masjid so that has been a hit, but I plan to get back to the Masjid soon.

I can't complain for I have really and truly loved someone and there are many who have never experienced true love. So in going on I say that I can't promise any future relationships anything, because I just can't see myself loving as deeply and truly as I have loved Sakinah. So I half feel like what is the point of another relationship. I've had that one relationship of a lifetime and she is too far under my skin to just wipe off. Maybe after she gets married, but even then I would still have no desire to get married.

So I'm done with LOVE and Marital relationships. Now I'm just working on my photography, my career and my life. I try to make my kids have a beautiful weekend every time they come to visit and that is all I can really do. I'll finish my schooling start a business and live out my retirement in the solitude of my thoughts. This position may change in a couple of years, but for right now this is what it is.

Oh yeah how not blogging cost more. When I blog on a regular basis I get in a groove of writing so that I can organize my thoughts quickly and succinctly, but now that I have stopped it takes me forever to just sit down and write anything. So I have like tons to write and it is a giant chore.

Monday, March 09, 2009

Life...

I've wanted to write something anything for sometime now and the truth is I just don't have anything to say. Really well I do but I usually don't talk about things like that. My photography business is starting to pick up, but the details are so thick that I can't even decipher it all into any intelligible data.

My kids are doing fine, still wishing that me and Mom would get back together. Mom... well we will see. They have fun when they are with me, but I know when things are still they think about the family that we used to be. I love them they are awesome. Little and so very cute. Insha Allah they will ease into what life will be. Mina is deceptively stable, her cheery personality often hides the troubled waters beneath her veiled exterior. She is affected the most. When she's not moving, smiling and playing in her moments of silence her concern shines through in her seemingly futile fight at keeping her family together through pleas to acquiesce the obvious. If it goes on I may have to push for therapy. I remember how traumatic it was when my parents got divorced. I just have to make every effort I can to be there for her and that is all I can do right now.

Niama is more obvious in her position as her middle child insecurities let them shine more blatantly and she is more direct in that she wants our family to stay together. How do you help children become more assertive. Being around them allows me to become more in tune with their little mood shifts and feelings.

Ibrahim doesn't like it, but he can't articulate that himself.

Me well I'm patient, whatever is decided that is what I will roll with and make the best out of it. I'm at peace and that is the most important thing.

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

I Miss you guys

The silence is necessary, but the lack of writing is killing me. The peaceful reflection afforded to me these last couple of months is incredible. You have to be careful in making your Duas because they get answered. I'm not horny AT ALL even in the company of incredibly beautiful women. Polygamy is not pressing on my brain, although if I were to get married again I think I would just come out and say LOOK I'm a polygamist deal with it or get gone. I'm jaded I know and if I tell myself I don't need anyone enough then eventually I will believe it. I will free myself to open my heart to do selfless works of kindness and tell random women, erm people, that they are beautiful without wanting anything from them AT ALL. So funny I see someone beautiful now I can say that they look that way, OVER THERE. I don't want anything, just the time I share with my kids and I'm good. They are awesome.

Well who knows in a couple of days I will be back to writing my 1000 words a day, but I realize that may be too long for some so maybe I will scale back. Thank you all for stopping by from time to time to check on me. Peace