Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Blogging Costs... Not blogging costs more

Blogging has its costs with me. I tend to let it all out and ergo divulge probably too much information. Which then complicates the broth of trying to sort through a relationship. I started my blog as a sound board to the world so it wouldn't all seem so lonely. I enjoyed batting back and forth intellectually with individuals, but now after everything my blog has had its costs. It possibly made my intentions more real than they actually were. Probably made the reality of polygamy in my family more constant than it needed to be. Now that the dust of my life is winding down to filing of papers you see the regret. It is just what it is regret. So many things that weren't said and so many things that were. Life will go on though it always does whether you want it to or not.

I'm happy to see Safa and PM happy they sound so bright. As for myself I will be staying single. I think I have contributed to the corruption of Muslimahs enough for one lifetime, so for the sake of the whole Ummah I will remain single rather than f - up another family. I'm good, I have contributed 5 kids to the pot and decimated the Deen of 9 people I think it is safe to say I should stand down from the whole family screwing up business. I've been blessed with the desire to stay single so I'm good.

My Deen? Well I am still holding on to the Rope and am prepared to wrap it around my neck before letting it go. I moved a little further from the Masjid so that has been a hit, but I plan to get back to the Masjid soon.

I can't complain for I have really and truly loved someone and there are many who have never experienced true love. So in going on I say that I can't promise any future relationships anything, because I just can't see myself loving as deeply and truly as I have loved Sakinah. So I half feel like what is the point of another relationship. I've had that one relationship of a lifetime and she is too far under my skin to just wipe off. Maybe after she gets married, but even then I would still have no desire to get married.

So I'm done with LOVE and Marital relationships. Now I'm just working on my photography, my career and my life. I try to make my kids have a beautiful weekend every time they come to visit and that is all I can really do. I'll finish my schooling start a business and live out my retirement in the solitude of my thoughts. This position may change in a couple of years, but for right now this is what it is.

Oh yeah how not blogging cost more. When I blog on a regular basis I get in a groove of writing so that I can organize my thoughts quickly and succinctly, but now that I have stopped it takes me forever to just sit down and write anything. So I have like tons to write and it is a giant chore.

6 comments:

  1. I wonder how long it will take for you to get over your ex, I know it's no easy process. In fact, I think a lot of people out there compromise their principles and desires out of fear of going through the pain of missing someone they [once] loved.

    Stay strong.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I have no idea psychologically I am so intertwined in her. Maybe I need to leave and go away and come back after she's married or something. It is harder when you set your ego aside and just deal with the raw emotions and tell yourself the truth that after everything has been said and done at the end of the day you still love her. I will be ok if she moves on. It doesn't hurt nearly as much as before. There are no more tears or anything so that is good. You know it is that settling into reality that is just a bummer. There is good and bad in any situation though. I will start focusing on the good and keep both hands on the Rope. Ah yes for those who don't know what Rope it is that I am talking about it is this one:

    3:103 (Y. Ali) And hold fast, all together, by the Rope which Allah (stretches out for you), and be not divided among yourselves; and remember with gratitude Allah's favour on you; for ye were enemies and He joined your hearts in love, so that by His Grace, ye became brethren; and ye were on the brink of the pit of Fire, and He saved you from it. Thus doth Allah make His Signs clear to you: That ye may be guided.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Muhammed, psychologically, take a look at this.

    http://www.helenfisher.com/downloads/articles/15npolve.pdf

    I see your desire for polygamy as your OCD. Your rejection of a future possibility of love as a rejection of Sakinah and the hurt this relationship brought you. This is easier for you right now then to accept that you are rejected, that you also rejected. Possibly. I am no psycologist. You think about it.
    As a human though I know that rejecting love will harm you, you know it hurts when you say it, it`s self punishment. Stop that. You do not need to seek love at all times, just be open to it. This is, in my humble opinion, also an OCD of yours.
    Reject what is to be rejected, accept what is to be accepted and open yourself again to balance. You are stuck in a vicious circle. I hope you can break it.

    ReplyDelete
  4. How about I read those 26 pages at a time that I can. I will read them. However to be accept love you have to be ready for it. I'm NOT ready for any relationship. Right now real or imagined. Right now I am enjoying my children and that is enough for me. Taking a cursory look at your comment though I would have to say that I disagree with some of what you have said. First off polygamy isn't an OCD of mine this I know. It is very confusing and difficult to articulate but it is not. It is borne out of a framework possibly of rejecting being an only child and a deep desire to never be without family again. It would explain why I have 6 kids. I never wanted any of my kids to go through that. Some like it but I didn't like it much. Then I would suppose what comes next is greed of affection. I am a very affectionate person, loving and caring and there isn't any other way that I can be because it is who I am. Which apparently is something that is atypical of a polygamist man, but then who truly knows. I say that because the only people that I see that don't have problems with polygamy are those who just aren't concerned. If you are concerned then it is nothing but problems. That is A, B is that my desire for polygamy is a fantasy that I escape to when things get rough in a relationship and I am not equipped to deal with the problem effectively. Some people shop, others cheat, still others withdraw, I tend apparently to create a bunch of side issues rather than deal with the problem head on. Which creates more problems.

    As far as love is concerned I am free to love anyone that I want to and if opened up to love I may just accept it, because it always seems to come at the most inopportune time and almost always unexpected. I feel that it is necessary for me to just be honest with people from the beginning thoroughly and then go on from there. I know for myself that right now I am not ready.

    Furthermore Allah always protects me by placing those who may be interested truly in me very far away from me, and maybe that is a good thing, because it keeps me from jumping into relationships that were never meant to be, hurting them and myself. No matter how dear a person is to my heart.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Oh gosh yes dear, read the pages in your time. Twas quite interesting, not all need to be read, you read it and reflect over your situation, if you feel like it...;-)

    Polygony, not your OCD, if you don`t feel so. You think. Reading your pages it comes off as an obsession though from an outside mind.
    Rejection of love shines through clearly, "I will never love again" I could quote you a hundred times, sadly.
    We are in agreement that you are in no way ready for any relationship and that I did not say either. You at times to toil with the idea. You shouldnt even. What I did say, denying your need for it hurts you. You should know that you can love again, when the time for this is right. Me thinkest you are denying on and off to protect yourself, but again, you think...

    You clearly need to heal, that is why I wrote to you. I rarely come here but when I do, you are still regurgitating the same thoughts.
    Stealing from one great mind in this blogosphere to another you know, as this is what I think you need to do: "if I was on the pot I better to choose to either sh*t or get off"
    You come of as moving up and down on the Five stages of Grief. You had several losses in a short time, they may intermingle and cause you to climb up and down but never getting off.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model

    Happy reading and happier times galore!

    ReplyDelete
  6. I hear what your are saying though some of your message got garbled in translation. I am on the merry-go-round because I choose to be. I don't want to fail in a second marriage. There won't be a third. Can I love again? Yes if I choose to, but I have no interest in that now. AT ALL. I get stuck in that "why end it if there is a shred of doubt" mode. THere is no doubt that if Sakinah and I were childless that this merry-go-round would have ended much longer ago, possibly right around the time of the first polygamy post. However we have three little ones together and I don't want to be a Non-Custodial parent Again so that being said I have to choose to suck up the pain dust off my wounds and ego and try to carry on. If not then I have already experienced what happens in Islamic Divorces not interested in seeing what happens to this batch of kids and not totally interested in starting over with a different batch.

    As for me I will be OK it doesn't hurt nearly as much as it used to. THere are no more days of curling up in a corner with a fluffy bunny and weeping uncontrollably. No more staying in bed waiting for the day to be over with. Thank ALLAH that stage has passed. I suppose truly if a woman came along that I was interested in that it would be on like popcorn, but that hasn't happened.

    I'm going to be ok trust me, how do I know because I'm still holding on to the rope. If I were to let it go I'd ask for some serious prayers. Thank you all for checking up on me.

    ReplyDelete