Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Testing out

Alhamdulillah I read Juz 20 today. The verses that stuck out for me were do you think that you can believe and not be tested. I thought about that for quite sometime. Well as much time as I had. I had to read it at work. I have been having to read in the morning now. I have been driving to work early and then reading Quran and praying Fajr. I can read a Juz in about 20 minutes and then make Salaat or vice versa depending on when I get in.

I ordered a man purse for my iPad. It is a messenger bag and it looks pretty nice it is just kind of gay looking when I put it on. I think that I would like something in leather a lot better. It doesn't necessarily look girly but it doesn't look rugged either. I just need a bag for my iPad and keyboard and a magazine or two and business cards. I wanted something that I could have with me and be able to quickly take out my iPad and take down someones information and then get back with them. It is the Case Crown Vertical Multi Pocket Messenger bag. It is big enough for what I need.

So the latest word on the reconciliation is that there will not be one. I can understand my wife simply wanted something that I can't give right now. Not now with no work put forward to it. So I don't know what we were really thinking. I don't know maybe it is all my fault, but if it is I really don't care at this point. I am concerned about my kids. I won't have my kids for the weekends. I won't see them so I will have to come up with a way that we can communicate so that they don't grow up without me. I don't want lose the connection that I have with them so I will truly have to study the success of children of long distance non-custodial parents. I kind of want to write a book of how to be a great dad from 5000 miles away and just chronicle different ways that I can connect with my kids. I don't normally call her for anything now, when she moves away I could see that I would probably never ever call her. That however probably won't work very well for my little ones.

I am looking forward to going to Zaytuna though. Right there at the fountain of Islamic knowledge in the US. completely awesome. I am so looking forward to it. I just hope that I am able to keep balance between work and Deen and trying to spend some time with my kids. I am also going to be trying to finish my degree as well. I have to get that done. The only job that I am almost guaranteed is this next one. After this duty station I will have to make the next rank in order to stay in the service for another 4 years. If I make senior Chief I will be around for another 4 then I will just have 2 years left before I get out. After all of my years are up I will retire and hopefully travel the world. I may actually go and live in Belize or someplace else that the cost of living is minimal. I can do that or just travel the world and just enjoy the world for the rest of my life. I think that would be absolutely awesome.

Well it is time for me to get back to work. If this is 1000 words I will end this entry here otherwise I will tell you what is going on when I get home.

So I go to the Dr. and they are just like here these are you pills take them for a month and let's see what the hell happens. Smile on. I am like WTF I could have come in here and told you anything and you are just going to give me some frigging prescription controlled medication? Are you serious? So later I was talking to my Mom and she was like yep that's all that kind of Dr. Does they take the word of someone else and dish out the medication. If that is all that it takes I can dish out medicine that someone else says I need and make 150K a year give me that job.

Oh well it's on to the showers for me. Peace
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Sunday, February 13, 2011

Revalation

I have finished Juz 19 today. It's funny that it seems to go by so swiftly when you read it a little by a little everyday. I have learned though that it doesn't help to read an extra dose every day. One day I read two Juz in one day because I was making up days and I got out less of it than when I only read one Juz. When I was reading two it stated that Allah has sent it down in stages so that it may be easy for you. It is truly easier to read a certain amount and reflect on that which you read.

In being true with myself I have come to a couple of revelations. One it makes me no point to build anything outside of Islam and those things that are ordained by the Quran and Sunnah. Inevitably as time goes on I begin to feel guilty about said activity and after copious amounts of work and dedication I scrap the whole body of work and turn myself back towards my Lord.

My relationship with my girlfriend is one such endeavors. When I got involved with her I knew that I was being wrong. I was tired of being alone and I was telling myself that I would repent later for any illegal sex that I would venture into. Shortly after I was in the relationship I began finding fault with her and started looking for a way out of the relationship. Then I started reading Quran again and I really started looking for a way out of the relationship. I had began feeling really bad about the relations, then I felt bad about the whole thing. I enjoyed her company, she is a really nice girl so then you just feel like a jerk for not being honest and in touch with your feelings from the beginning. When you lie to yourself you are already doing everyone around you a large disservice. I am in the same position with my photography business. Not necessarily photography itself but shooting models and half-naked women. Shooting them doesn't cause me any difficulty in myself or my Deen it is just that whole lower your vision thing. So from now on Insha Allah I will not enter any endeavor where I will have to be asking myself about the validity of the endeavor.

The reconciliation isn't going so well. I think that my wife thought it would be a lot easier than this. It is a shame because I was kind of looking forward to having my family back again. The Fat Lady hasn't sung yet but she is standing at the Microphone.

My therapist asked me to list some things that I hate about myself. So I will list them here.
1) I hate that I procrastinate.
2) I hate that I don't speak up when it is time to speak.
3) I hate that I wait and see what is going to happen rather than get involved.
4) I hate that I don't do the right thing at the right time.
5) I hate that I don't call my kids as often as I should.
6) I hate that this divorce has gone on so long.
7) I hate that I can be pretty messy.
8) I hate that I am forgetful.
9) I hate that I am not organized.
10) I hate that I have the keys for my success but am not organized to see it through.
11) I hate that I am not as fashionably savvy as I used to be.
12) I hate that I don't communicate effectively.
13) I hate that I don't stand up for myself all the time.
14) I hate that I can be pretty selfish at times.

So these are some things that I will be working on it. I know this is not 1000 words but I have homework to do.


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Thursday, February 10, 2011

Warning

I finished Juz 15 today. I missed a day or two in there. I have good news and bad news. The good news is that I will be able to pray Fajr all week, and the bad news is that I got selected for jury duty. Now I am excited and at the same time kind of peeved that I have jury duty. The reason that I am excited is because I have never done jury duty before. I stayed out late last night with some friends. So I'm Sleepy.

I reflected seriously on what I read today. I really did and I have to make some life adjustments. I don't think many of us truly realize what it means to become Muslim. Today it seemed that the whole Juz was talking to me. I mean the WHOLE thing. So naturally you have to realize that you have to reevaluate your life and decide what it is that you are going to do. I am in discussion with my wife to reconnect. I already told my lawyer to stand down from going through with the divorce. I'm not going to rant here on my blog because over time I have learned that it is not always the best thing to do. I know it may seem to make my blog dull and boring, but it saves some personal drama that I may have to go through.

I am also in / getting out of a different relationship in preparation to making my trip to California. ALL of the verses that slapped me in the face today were about Zinna. Now the best way to get out of Zinna is to never get into it. Once you are in a Zinna (Fornication/ adultery) it is difficult to get out. You don't just walk out, unless you are really mean or really strong. I am neither. I have said it. It is all understood, but like the energizer Bunny it just keeps going and going.

Actually I started this post two days ago and now I am trying to finish it up. Like I said that when you are in a Zinna relationship it keeps going and going. She doesn't want to leave because you are not a jerk and you are sweet and loving so why would she want to leave? You have to go because you are reading verses that say don't go near to Zinna and you are concerned that if you keep going that either your time to check out of this life will come around unexpected and you will have a lot of explaining to do (To which your skin will quickly clarify), or you will have to lie to yourself that all will be forgiven and keep going on in delusion, or finally admit that you are all in the wrong and just roll with it and be prepared to taste the consequences later. I am of the last group. I don't delude myself into thinking that my blatant disregard for commands of Allah will be passed by as simple foolishness. Dying suddenly (or on time I should say) is a concern but it does not overshadow the first position.

If you read the Quran on a daily there really isn't much you can delude yourself with. Really. You will know that you are doing wrong the moment you start any action. However you really have to read it and really reflect on what it is that Allah is saying. You need to think hard and deep. I find that upon reading the Quran that everything becomes clearer. You become more focused as to what is right and wrong. Then there is the little thing of age that I have become that gives me the wisdom to fully understand somethings.

I read Juz 16 yesterday and I reflected on it. I think that the most important thing in life is to reflect upon Allah. You need to respect when Allah keeps you from things. I look at my photography business. I realize that there are some things that I photograph that I probably shouldn't However I look at certain things like I am not in that moment or I am not in a place where my heart inclines to such things. I have no problem with half naked women to where I contemplate on them or desire them inappropriately. However if a brother who was taking me as a strong brother saw this and took me as a lead and was not able to separate his feelings from his job then I could see how it would be problematic.

There are so many things about this Deen that are incredible. We are all guilty of following some of the book and not other parts of the book. I hope as I grow in faith the parts of the book that I follow will greatly outweigh the parts that I don't.

I have Jury Duty after deliberation I will discuss with you some of what I observed.



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Location:Dade County Court House

Monday, February 07, 2011

Growing





So I'm involved in this fashion show. The superbowl of fashion shows it is dubbed. The event is ok however it could be better. I was not really prepared for it. Some of my fellow photographers who go to these things all the time were prepared. They brought their big lenses and tripods, quantum flashes with battery packs and I didn't bring any of that stuff. I could have brought a strobe but. Hey I thought that fashion shows had no flash. I was looking at my lights too right before I left out, but you live and learn. I suppose the guys brought their stuff because they knew that it wasn't a formal fashion show.

So this year is my year of communication so after the event had started going on I am like to myself you need to start talking and stop being a wall flower so that you can achieve your dreams. It is not that I can't talk it is just that I don't really want to. I actually suppose, looking at it I have a fear of daily interaction. Spur of the moment conversations I can have however communication day in and day out like normal people gives me the willies. Not really, but I just don't make the effort to do it. Maybe that is why I have been with very talkative women, they talk and all I have to do is answer questions now and then.

So today I have jury duty. It turned out that I have never had jury duty and today is a bad time because if I am called it will be a criminal trial and then I will have to be there all day. Actually what is worse is that I may not get called again and have to wait all day. Vey! I have this photoshoot thing to do later on today. It doesn't look like I will get called so the good thing is that I will be able get all of my homework done for the week. This is the first time I have ever served on a jury so I'm kind of excited and looking forward to it.

What else has been going on in my life? Well this morning I didn't read my Quran I was getting the photos ready to come put on line. Then I did something incredibly stupid. I brought both my cameras with me to court. So dumb. I didn't want to leave them in the car so I brought them with me. Then they said nope no cameras which is stupid because any baliff can see a huge DSLR camera and would be less likely to see one of the many 5 megapixel camera phones snapping away like a photo fiend. So I'm like OMG I have about $5000 worth of camera equipment in my bag and if any of it comes up missing I am going to feel like a stupid ass. I am thinking that at lunch I will go and get my stuff and take it home and just pay for parking again.

Not called again that only means that I'm stuck waiting incessantly for some reprieve from the quiet room. We will see what happens. They are saying that they may call one more group and then they are going to lunch. In which case I will take my stuff home and come back. It will cost me another $5 bucks but at least I will have the peace of mind that my cameras are safe. I'm not looking forward to coming back here though.

Getting back to my 1000 words a day. I'm in class and I need to schedule a quiet time everyday so that I can blog. I feel that it is very necessary that I blog at least 1000 words a day. It is necessary because if you do so then you will be able to quickly organize your thoughts and put forth coherent statements. It also means that when someone wants you to write something you don't cringe at writing 5000 word essays. I haven't been writing and that is why my post is all over the place.

Well I've been called.

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Tuesday, February 01, 2011

Snowflake

I have been forgetting to take my little keyboard with me for the last few days so I have not been blogging. It is almost 6 pm and I'm exhausted. I think though if I push myself to get some more stuff done I would be more rewarded that trying to take a nap now and then get stuff done only to blow out my bedtime of 10 o'clock. So this reconciliation thing is hit and miss. I don't know fully what is going on it is kind of like stumbling towards serenity.

I often question myself in terms of it. Am I doing it because I want to or am I going with the flow. This has been a recurring theme in my reading of the Quran this time. Why go with the flow? It is only going to land you in misery. Your Lord has given you every opportunity to succeed and praise Him and be successful there is no reason for the human being to not be so. I ask myself can I reconcile? Yes is the answer no problem, but why would you reconcile with someone whom you don't essentially trust. After all they were just doing what was natural to themselves, just as you may have been doing what was natural to yourself when you provoked them.

Then there is the recurring theme in the Quran that those in whom there is a disease will fall into the same traps over and over again. Regardless of how much light they see. There are verses where they see the Hellfire and they beg Allah to return so that they could do right, only to get the response that if they were to return they would return to that which they were doing. Then again in another verse where the hellfire has not even been seen only hardships and toils in this life were shown and still when the calamity was removed they returned back to that which they used to do. So I began wondering about this quality in people and more specifically how to break it if I am indeed one of these people.

You can't kill yourself or take some other beautiful short cut so you basically have to take the one road. Do what is right all the time without waiver and then you may be successful.

I told myself that I would clock my posts. I'm aiming for 1000 words a post, but I don't know if I will be able to sustain it throughout all of my posts. I know I can talk a lot but I don't know if I can talk for 1000 words just yet. Insha Allah I will be able to get up to my 1000 word goal without boring my readers to death.

The whole point of this post was the Snowflake. It doesn't have a purpose it only blows hither and yon. Flowing in whichever way life may take it. It doesn't fuss or complain and it stands up for nothing and quickly dissolves when any heat is applied. Thus is the life of the snowflake. Other than something to look at in mass it is nothing. By itself it represents nothing, It lays around often causing more damage than good. It is not a source of nutrients nor giving back. Little benefit is it to that which it lights upon. It only lays waiting to be transformed into something useful. If nothing changed it would wait forever a solitary snowflake just laying around. I don't wish to live my life as a snowflake. I wish to live and create heat. Not like all of those things like the snowflake frozen and still, not contributing to anything just existing and being a burden to wherever I may land. No that must not be me. I must live.

Salaam

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