Sunday, February 13, 2011

Revalation

I have finished Juz 19 today. It's funny that it seems to go by so swiftly when you read it a little by a little everyday. I have learned though that it doesn't help to read an extra dose every day. One day I read two Juz in one day because I was making up days and I got out less of it than when I only read one Juz. When I was reading two it stated that Allah has sent it down in stages so that it may be easy for you. It is truly easier to read a certain amount and reflect on that which you read.

In being true with myself I have come to a couple of revelations. One it makes me no point to build anything outside of Islam and those things that are ordained by the Quran and Sunnah. Inevitably as time goes on I begin to feel guilty about said activity and after copious amounts of work and dedication I scrap the whole body of work and turn myself back towards my Lord.

My relationship with my girlfriend is one such endeavors. When I got involved with her I knew that I was being wrong. I was tired of being alone and I was telling myself that I would repent later for any illegal sex that I would venture into. Shortly after I was in the relationship I began finding fault with her and started looking for a way out of the relationship. Then I started reading Quran again and I really started looking for a way out of the relationship. I had began feeling really bad about the relations, then I felt bad about the whole thing. I enjoyed her company, she is a really nice girl so then you just feel like a jerk for not being honest and in touch with your feelings from the beginning. When you lie to yourself you are already doing everyone around you a large disservice. I am in the same position with my photography business. Not necessarily photography itself but shooting models and half-naked women. Shooting them doesn't cause me any difficulty in myself or my Deen it is just that whole lower your vision thing. So from now on Insha Allah I will not enter any endeavor where I will have to be asking myself about the validity of the endeavor.

The reconciliation isn't going so well. I think that my wife thought it would be a lot easier than this. It is a shame because I was kind of looking forward to having my family back again. The Fat Lady hasn't sung yet but she is standing at the Microphone.

My therapist asked me to list some things that I hate about myself. So I will list them here.
1) I hate that I procrastinate.
2) I hate that I don't speak up when it is time to speak.
3) I hate that I wait and see what is going to happen rather than get involved.
4) I hate that I don't do the right thing at the right time.
5) I hate that I don't call my kids as often as I should.
6) I hate that this divorce has gone on so long.
7) I hate that I can be pretty messy.
8) I hate that I am forgetful.
9) I hate that I am not organized.
10) I hate that I have the keys for my success but am not organized to see it through.
11) I hate that I am not as fashionably savvy as I used to be.
12) I hate that I don't communicate effectively.
13) I hate that I don't stand up for myself all the time.
14) I hate that I can be pretty selfish at times.

So these are some things that I will be working on it. I know this is not 1000 words but I have homework to do.


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