Friday, February 29, 2008

Beleagered, Befuddled and Confused

It is the chorus of this song that is so striking and really speaks of the feelings that I am feeling right now. My heart has transcended my current condition and really lays on the line what is going on. Clear sight is coming back. Things are falling into place. It may not even be about Sakinah and myself. Allah's plan may be higher than this. I don't know all I can do is pray for enlightenment and brace myself for the tests to come. They are coming but I believe that with Allah's help all will be well.

This may have happened to bring people to Islam. It may have happened so that those who have witnessed will know what real love is. It may have happened because I promised some things to Allah and I have yet to do them and thusly I have been stripped of my material fears, for surely I will gladly accept any financial devastation if I can save my marriage. I would trade the world for my wife, and I am being tested in that. Our phone bill was over a grand, and normally I would go through the roof, but I honestly don't care. Other bills are backing up and I would trade all of my wealth to keep the precious jewel that Allah gave me when I made Tauba in the first place. You see when I made a sincere Tauba Allah gave me my wife and I have always cherished her as the only thing in my life that was sent specifically for me and I recieved so much happiness knowing that Allah gave her to me, but as a servant of Allah I must realize and submit to Inna lillahi wa Inna alayhe Rajeoon. From Allah we come and to Allah we must return. He gave me the gift and He can take it away from me at any time. It is and remains my responsibility to do what is right in all contexts of life. Thus this issue is moving to a higher plane of responsibility and although it is dire and tragic I have hope in Allah that He will make the very best of what has transpired. I love my wife with deep true love, but I must submit to the Will of Allah. Only He can save my marriage and only He can mend our hearts where they have been torn. I pray He does, and I pray that those who read these words will reflect.

Love is the sign of Isa. The world is devoid of love its time has come to replenish it.

I didn't know my heart could do such things

I must truly say that this thing is incredible. It has been hit with a mack truck several times and it is still beating. I love my wife intensely. Only fools love like this. My heart has taken completely over and my love is spilling out all over as if it were some endless fountain that satiates all drinkers.

I didn't know it could feel such pain and heal so quickly over and over again. I didn't know that I could find such comfort in my Deen during this time of complete chaos amidst this all I feel stillness and security. When my fears well up and over take me my heart is the one who brings ease. Alhamdulillah for this ease and Sakinah.

I didn't know my heart could do such things. Love without bounds. To endure the wrenching pain of reality and stand so firm and stoic. I never knew Love could be so raw and so true.

I love my wife with all of me, she is all that I could ever love. She casts her shadow deep into my soul and lays anchor in it. We are connected and we are one although the bombs burst all around us we still love and we still care. We may arise wounded or we may not arise at all, but this love will not end or fade not a moment for it is true and in truth eternal. I have never known love until this test. I have faced my darkest fears and I still choose love. I am crazy about that little girl maybe that is a blessing from Allah. Her little hands and sultry eyes her voice so soft and sweet. I love that girl that Allah have given me with all that I am. With all that I am. With all that I am.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Tauba (repentance) Is not a game!!!

You all know that I am experiencing tremendous emotional pain right now. However this is pain that is wrought at my own hands. I'm not going to go into details but I want to explain somethings so that when you make tauba in your own lives you can take to heart the gravity of those words and the price you pay for tossing them around capriciously.

I was going to give you a blow by blow but I will have to condense everything to the readers digest version. Basically when I got here I did something shameful for a Muslim man to do or any Muslim for that matter. Immediately I made Tauba for my actions. However I had no resolve and returned to this thing over and over again. This blinded me from the clear sight that Allah gives believers. I walked into a valley of harm and I could not see where I was. The fruits of my actions overflowed into every sphere of my life and now, my life is ruined, battered and devastated. It is healable but the pain and war wounds will remain as a testament of me playing around with tauba as if it were some passing fancy. I look and I see what my hands have wrought.

So people when you make tauba do it with sincerity and do not be conned by the Shaytan that you cannot go on because you really weren't serious. You have to hold fast. Had I done so I never would have gotten here. Insha Allah I have made Tauba again and I will not come near to that thing that I made Tauba about. I see clearly now the recompense for such foolishness. I give this to you as a warning for you and for myself. Do not treat Tauba as if it is a game and a roullette wheel, for the odds are with Allah and you can rest assured that you will lose.

Sunday, February 24, 2008


Stay tuned there's more to see.

Holding on to the rope

stolen from someone else

Don't Be Sad...

A few days ago, I receive the passage below from UKS touches so many aspects of my life and feeling ashamed that I have bought the book for close to 2 years and yet haven't really past the first few pages..Yep..busy..busy... After reading the email that has part of the message on it, I have begun reading the book "Don't Be Sad " on Monday and now still on it..the beautiful words keep flowing from the pages and the messages tend to explain so many details of what my own life has been and how to contemplate and expect many issues and maybe how to resolve some.... This early in reading the book I can say that I have come to peace with many things and at the same time will try my very very best on many aspects of my life as if.....

Today is all that you have...

When you wake up in the morning, do not expect to see the evening – live as though today is all that you have. Yesterday has passed with its good and evil, while tomorrow has not yet arrived. Your life span is but one day, as if you were born in it and will die at the end of it. With this attitude, you will not be caught between an obsession over the past, with all its anxieties, and the hopes of the future, with all its uncertainty. Live for today: During this day you should pray with a wakeful heart, recite the Qur’an with understanding, and remember Allah with sincerity. In this day you should be balanced in your affairs, satisfied with your allotted portion, concerned with your appearance and health.
Organize the hours of this day, so that you make years out of minutes and months out of seconds. Seek forgiveness from your Lord, remember Him, prepare for the final parting from this world, and live today happily and at peace. Be content with your sustenance, your wife, your children, your work, your house and your station in life.

So hold that which I have given you and be of the grateful (Qur’an 7:144)

Live today free from sorrow, bother, anger, jealousy, and malice. You must engrave onto your heart one phrase: Today is my only day. If you have eaten warm, fresh bread today, then what do yesterday’s dry, rotten bread and tomorrow’s anticipated bread matter?
If you are truthful with yourself and have a firm, solid resolve, you will undoubtedly convince yourself of the following: Today is my last day to live. When you achieve this attitude, you will profit from every moment of your day, by developing your personality, expanding your abilities, and purifying your deeds. Then you say to yourself:

* Today I shall be refined in my speech and will utter neither evil speech nor obscenity. Also, I shall not backbite.
* Today I shall organize my house and office….
* Today I will strive to be obedient to my Lord, pray in the best manner possible, do more voluntary acts of righteousness, recite the Qur’an, and read beneficial books. I will plant goodness into my heart and extract from it the roots of evil – such as pride, jealousy, and hypocrisy.
* Today I will help others – to visit the sick, to attend a funeral, to guide the one who is lost, and to feed the hungry. I will stand side by side with the oppressed and the weak. I will pay respect to the scholar, be merciful to the young, and reverent to the old.

O’ past that has departed and is gone, I will not cry over you. You will not see me remembering you, not even for a moment, because you have traveled away from me never to return.
O’ future, you are in the realm of the unseen, so I will not be obsessed by your dreams. I will not be preoccupied about what is to come because tomorrow is nothing and has not yet been created.

‘Today is my only day’ is one of the most important statements in the dictionary of happiness, for those who desire to live life in its fullest splendor and brilliance.

Taken from the book, ‘Don’t be Sad’ by Aaidh ibn Abdullah al-Qarni, International Islamic Publishing House pg 31-33.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Goodbye All

This is my last post. This is the end of this chapter of my life.



"White Flag"

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,

Or tell you that.

But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it

where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder

Or return to where we were

I will go down with this ship

And I won't put my hands up and surrender

There will be no white flag above my door

I'm in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and

destruction to come back again

And I caused nothing but trouble

I understand if you can't talk to me again

And if you live by the rules of "it's over"

then I'm sure that that makes sense

I will go down with this ship

And I won't put my hands up and surrender

There will be no white flag above my door

I'm in love and always will be

And when we meet

Which I'm sure we will

All that was there

Will be there still

I'll let it pass

And hold my tongue

And you will think

That I've moved on....

I will go down with this ship

And I won't put my hands up and surrender

There will be no white flag above my door

I'm in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship

And I won't put my hands up and surrender

There will be no white flag above my door

I'm in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship

And I won't put my hands up and surrender

There will be no white flag above my door

I'm in love and always will be

It Hurts

It hurts when you find out you are That Guy. That Guy that any one in love or in hope of love hates so much. The bad husband. The insensitive one. The one who would callously destroy something beautiful.

That Guy.

I think how Sister * husband felt when he found out he was That Guy. The one who sacrificed everything and didn't even think he was That Guy until it was way too late.

That Guy.

The one that doesn't listen. Who sits staring her in the mouth and doesn't hear a word she is saying.

That Guy.

The one who she has told over and over again what is wrong but he just imagined she would get over it.

That Guy.

That Guy never finds out about his flaws until it is too late.

Did he realize what was at stake?

That Guy always tries to fix something that he should have fixed before.

That Guy always puts himself before everything else with wreckless abandon.

That's the Guy lovers hate.

Who destroys everything day by day.

Who takes what is precious and throws it away.

Did That Guy ever stop to think, Contemplate and reflect?

That one day he would stand alone looking at his wreck?

That Guy was warned and maybe even told.

However for his desires his treasures sold.

Did not they tell him desires are like the breeze?

They may move things about but they always leave.

Did they not tell him that it will fall down like rain?

The day he sees destruction and waves of pain.

What was he thinking, why didn't he know?

What was good is gone with one heartbreaking blow.

It sucks to be That Guy when you thought you were the one.

That brought rays of love shining warmly as the sun.

But now you know it is sad to say there is no more facade.

You took this and cast away.

You paid the price for your actions and now pain no longer odd.

You feel it now and curse yourself for being so utterly dense.

You pick up the pieces but they don't fit.

You have destroyed what you represent.

It is scattered through the years of pain.

A path of hope killed in vain.

Your pain stricken days forces you to think did this all make sense?



How many times do I have to try to tell you

That I'm sorry for the things I've done

But when I start to try to tell you

That's when you have to tell me

Hey... this kind of trouble's only just begun

I tell myself too many times

Why don't you ever learn to keep your big mouth shut

That's why it hurts so bad to hear the words

That keep on falling from your mouth

Falling from your mouth

Falling from your mouth

Tell me...



I may be mad

I may be blind

I may be viciously unkind

But I can still read what you're thinking

And I've heard it said too many times

That you'd be better off


Why can't you see this boat is sinking

(this boat is sinking this boat is sinking)

Let's go down to the water's edge

we can cast away those doubts

Some things are better left unsaid

But they still turn me inside out

Turning inside out turning inside out

Tell me...


Tell me...


This is the book I never read

These are the words I never said

This is the path I'll never tread

These are the dreams I'll dream instead

This is the joy that's seldom spread

These are the tears...

The tears we shed

This is the fear

This is the dread

These are the contents of my head

And these are the years that we have spent

And this is what they represent

And this is how I feel

Do you know how I feel

'cause i don't think you know how I feel

I don't think you know what I feel

I don't think you know what I fear

You don't know what I fear

Thursday, February 21, 2008

I can't see

Being a loner is pretty cool until you really need someone to talk to that you can trust. Someone who can be objective and give really good advice. Someone that you can trust not to spread your business all over town. When you are in a situation like that then it is good to have a close friend that you can call.

How to Fuck up your marriage.

Hello all, actually I'm not going to write about fucking up your marriage per se but just the building blocks that mean most imminent doom.

  1. Communication: Or more specifically the lack thereof. Communication is the air of the relationship because without it the relationship is actually most imminently doomed. Communication is the cornerstone of every successful human relationship. Whether that be husband and wife, mother daughter, superior and subordinate communication is the very life-blood of a successful relationship.

    That being said we must look at detractors or inhibitors of communication. Arrogance is probably the most successful of all inhibitors because arrogance eliminates the capacity to listen. Without listening there can be no communication. Fear is the second most vital inhibitor. If you fear the results of a conversation then key specific facts are left out of the equation. These facts will not go away and go on and fester until they explode and force themselves to be dealt with or other things surrounding the real issue exacerbate the whole situation completely out of control.
  2. Anger: This is a key emotion usually coupled with gross frustration. It usually stems out of an issue that has not been addressed ie leading back to communication or has been treated with indifference. Anger is a passing emotion and drifts in and out like the wind, unless you continue to revisit it and justify it and not deal with the real problem.
  3. Pain Justification. This usually includes any acts of retaliation stemming from a break in something that has been held very dear in the relationship. The individual is in great pain and is missing that aspect of the relationship and feels transgressed against by the other person. This leads to a decision or a succession of decisions that lead to things that will be directly painful to the other person.
  4. Infidelity: For some this is a black and white issue for others it is very gray. Infidelity comes about for a couple of reasons and are of two types as I am currently seeing it. That which is done out of power which could also be directly coupled with arrogance or that which is borne out of pain, displaced anger and a break down in communication. In the situation of the latter usually one person cherishes and loves the relationship, but circumstances being what they are lead to a domino effect that allows any Shaytan to walk into. Normally with promises of saving the day, however such a relationship is doomed from the start to maximize the destructive effect.
  5. Lack of respect: When one partner doesn't respect the other partner's feelings or wishes or the other partner has fostered this attitude by being conforming to a one sided relationship. Eventually this will erupt into a melt down on either side.
There are more but mostly it all comes back to the same thing. Communication.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Think Positive!!

Regardless of the odds of survival you must think positive until the end.