Monday, September 29, 2008

Underground University

One thing my new boss has done is really inspired me to accomplish my full potential. To become the person that I really want to be. She is a real awesome personality. One thing that I have been thinking of and I totally know that there is no money in it. Is I have been thinking of starting an underground university. A place for teachers who love to teach and I will begin with some very simple rules, but first and foremost this will NOT be about money. Teachers can use any location that they so choose to use. They can use any books, any references any props, anything of anything within their realm to teach. I will have sponsored events with sponsored speakers but mostly just focus on teachers who love to teach. The challenge will be how will teachers get students to return to the place of lecture in order to receive the necessary lessons.

This will hopefully create an environment that is conducive to learning. I think that it will be much more effective learning environment when students are engaged in an environment of people who are motivated to learn. It will enable healthy competition and generate genuine scholarly interest from all participants involved.

Just imagine if you want to be a doctor or a lawyer an engineer a computer anylyst it is much more provocative to work with leaders of the industry in workshops and work groups. Traditionally education was just the basics reading writing and arithmatic. After the rudimentary lessons were learned then you would apprentice in the field that you wanted to master in. What this kind of environment will allow for is a dispersed learning platform that is open and geared for genuine experimentation and inquiry and a chance to truly challenge the minds of students of all ages in developing greatness.

I know that out there somewhere someone has a model of such a thing, but my vision for it is very simple provide a platform of mutual sharing and scholarly inquiry of learned professionals and hobbyist to link up with students of all levels to reach new levels of excellence in education. I believe such a platform of learning will develop a wellspring of intellectuality that has not seen a precedence since the beginning of this country. Based off of the comment of John Taylor Gatto "that genius is as common as dirt" this type of University will challenge this statement and look for excellence under every rock of human existence.

The systematic dumbing down of students and faculties across this great nation and throughout the world must stop. The only way to do that is to ratify the educational process by making the terms and processes relevant to the learning process. Quadratic equations do not receive their necessary attention without the relevance that must be necessarily attatched to justify its existence to the inner-school student or the student from the suburbs for that matter. The fact that we live in a capitalistic economy yet there are no truly capitalistic programs taught in school. The fact that true craftmanship has been vacated from almost every American industry is evidence of travesty of the American capitalistic experiment.

In this school I will encourage that peoples jobs become relevant and human by offering the opportunity to share their knowledge and experience and techniques to the swelling masses of available and open minds that are prepared to grasp all that they have to offer. Through an intricate network of clubs and events I believe that a well rounded open curriculum that will at any point along its course bring any individual regardless of age to a point of intellectual excellence with minimal policing by any pseudo authorized establishment. The days of read this and answer these questions will be successfully supplanted by genuine challenges and relevant opportunities to prove intellectual intelligence every day.

Responsibility will return to the next generation of students and pride in self and in personal ability. I have made up my mind now all I have to do is start. I will keep you posted.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Objectification, Marriage and Deen: Lessons from Domestic Violence class

I must admit the domestic violence class has not been all bad and several times it has sparked lively debates from the attendants and there are several things that I have learned. I don't agree with all of them, but they would preclude future run-ins with the law if followed.

This class has taught me to look at the marriage crisis and the Muslim marriage crisis specifically. One of the things that has come out in the class is objectification. The class is led by a female Doctor who is very passionate about the objectification of women. Words like chick, broad, hoe, hootchie etcetera are quickly doused with stern opposition and sometimes accompanied with a short etymological history lesson to bring everyone's vocabulary up to speed. As in the word broad as being referred to a woman's hips as opposed to a man's hips which until the explosion of the McDonalds era were generally wider than men's. However references to men are not met with such staunch opposition. So in class there is always a red flag brought up when terms such as, she looks good, she's fine, she's hot, she knows how to treat a man, she's my girl, my baby, my wife or any other language that objectifies a woman to something other than an independent entity comes from someones mouth.

So I looked at this quality of objectification and as Muslims we do not objectify based on physical qualities such as rump size, hair or other things but we do objectify based on appearance of Deen. For the man it is often stated does she wear hijab, one of my personal prejudices and therefore anyone who doesn't wear hijab is excluded from the matrimonial search. Does she pray, does she read Quran. How does she feel about Zakat? All of these things that are quickly perused on how to pick out a mate in Islam guide. However all of those checkmarks ultimately wind up in the objectification bin. They are only a cursory view of the depth of the person. Usually the list is shortened substantially, are they cute? Check. Do they wear hijab? Check. Okay let's get married and have a house full of kids. This pattern is repeated over and over in Islamic circles the world over. It is even worse for us because many times we don't even get to know the person. We meet on the internet and ask a couple of questions and bam then we get married. It also poses several problems because the structure of what marriages are supposed to be arranged has been completely dismantled. Especially here in the West. Traditionally when couples in Islam were to marry the families got involved and due scrutiny was taken (or should have been taken) to see if the couple was in fact compatible. Today with the psychology and western influence the process of finding and choosing a mate is about as deep as swinging into a fast food joint and driving out.

The level of objectification currently performed in Muslim marriages is staggering and the culture of the west is to not treasure your objects. Objects should be traded out as soon as new and upgraded models come online. It is a sad statement but women are turning 18 everyday so the assembly line is constantly rolling out new and updated models. Also with the divorce rate being what it is older slightly used models are becoming cheaper and cheaper to attain (that goes for both women and men). So the merry-go-round of marriage is constantly being rehashed over and over again. Spewing children and destruction in their wake. As divorcees come out of one relationship and immediately look for the "problem" quality absent in the next relationship thus adding one additional check on the already short checklist. Doesn't drink, check, Prays check, doesn't want polygamy, check ok I'm good only to run into a relationship of entirely different problems and just as troublesome if not more troublesome as the polygamy or whatever PROBLEM that they believe caused the break-up in the first place.

The point of bringing out the obvious objectification of each other as Muslims hopefully forces us to rethink how we approach marriage all over again. We have several problems with marriage. The Wali process is greatly misused and often abused if not discarded altogether. What the Wali is supposed to do is first have an indepth knowledge of the woman involved, Second he is supposed to perform a detailed investigation into the character and moral fortitude of the groom to be. This whole process has been undermined. For the most part Wali's in the states are usually a friend or some random "pious" brother from the community, whose role is mostly cursory and usually very after the fact. Women who are divorced with children do not need a Wali in the first place lending to this massive surplus of women. This adds to the number of women competing for good men which is further exacerbated by men being weak and knowing the ease of being able to fulfill their sexual desires and refusing to marry be they Muslim or not. Creating a massive competition race for the available man and the mentality that if Mr. Right is not available then Mr. is good enough.

So what is the solution to getting past objectification? The solution of the good Dr. is time. That is reasonable enough because it takes time to get past all of the facade that one can portray on several initial encounters. Time and the elimination of talking about sex. Yes it would be great if we could all hold our heads up and say that we can just talk on a friendly basis about marriage and the Deen and responsibility, but invariably when a woman and a man start talking it eventually leads to sexual discussions of some level or another. Sex and the desire thereof can and will always skew rational objective thinking. If sex for you is lacking and you are desirous of it chances are in that 6 months to a year of talking you will become comfortable with your prospective spouse and begin talking about sex. We can jump up on the holier than thou high horse, but even the most pious of brothers and sisters are swayed by desire for intimacy. Especially if it was either lacking in a previous relationship or there was a sexual infraction. Sex and sexual security will be discussed. It is one of the necessary questions. Will you do this, will you want that, how much, how often, what can I expect. After that question is asked the subject just normally doesn't go away. Then the fortitude of objectivity dwindles and later becomes next week. The only thing that naturally extends this process is finances.

One of the other topics that comes out in the class is the wholesaling and commodifying of female sex. In the West we live in a sex sells economy. A sex sells world and men created weak in his desires to abstain from sex is now thrown into that world. Now in a class of all non-Muslims it is shown to be a problem as these men try to find meaningful relationships and begin to wade through the massive amounts of junk sex to find the real woman that they are looking for. It has become painfully evident to me that if I wanted 20 girlfriends it would be a feat that would take minimal effort. Regardless of her status, income earning potential, background, race or whatever. It is that way because there are just so many women out there who will accept a man just based on having a man. They will have children with him, they will sex him endlessly pay his bills or whatever else because competition is so stiff, and if you are a man who is commited to his children then the door of buxom babes is endless. So in light of that the man Muslim or non-Muslim is left with this massive sifting process while fighting his urges for sex. No man who is basically available has to ever sleep alone in Miami. He really doesn't even have to be available all he has to be is interested and possibly get hair and nails done. And if he is trying to remain chaste and be upright then it only means that the stack that he has to sift through is larger and larger. He doesn't even have to try all he has to do in some cases is just be at the same venue as available women. He doesn't have to look good, have a job or anything, it is just the way of the world. No one wants to be lonely, and for those who haven't mastered the art of solitude and reflection then when one relationship ends, immediately another must begin, whether it is the right time or not. Sometimes the relationship doesn't have to end, the object of affection may just be gone, either at work or on vacation or whatever and the other person NEEDS someone to fill that void which is themselves.

So the solution to end all of this nonsense was a litany of tests and a due process investigation as to the veracity of the husband or wife in question and developing a relationship of depth based in Deen, mutual understanding and commitment, like values and goals for a family and not emotions. Then there is the ever famous three choices that the class has really brought to bare and that is Negotiate, Accept or Divorce. Those three things will be remembered by me to the end of time, because really those are the only three options. If your husband/wife won't or can't come to an agreement you can either chalk that argument up as a loss and accept the consequences or if they are serious enough you can get divorced. However I found it amusing on the Power and Control Wheel it clearly points that threats to leave where one of the points, but the class advocates leaving as the third solution. However to give them the benefit of the doubt it was classed under coercion and threats right next to threatening suicide. The class I have found is led by a lesbian, not that it matters, or so it is supposed that is her orientation. The Duluth Power and Control Wheel model that is used as a backdrop for the class has come under scrutiny of male-bashing types as can be read on wikipedia. It makes me want to stir the pot with a more lively debate next week, who knows maybe I will work up a fuss and make her throw out that model. Because either gender can be abusers as represented on www.batteredmen.com. And to be honest both myself and Sakinah are represented on the Duluth model wheel. I think we would find a little of all of us there.

So the three choices were the next big thing that I learned and that was insightful and should preserve my freedom as far as relationships are concerned.

The last thing that I would like to talk about is Marriage VS. a Relationship. There is a lot of debate in secular and non-secular circles of what is and what is not marriage. Here on my blog I have been accused of quite a many things and I appreciate it. Accusations allow me to grow intellectually and I think I may repost this on Sobia Forums at least this part. When a relationship boils down to divorce or when someone feels that they have been wronged in marriage there is always a lot of hubbub about what marriage is and what it isn't. Currently marriage as defined in secular society is :

marriage

n. the joining of a male and female in matrimony by a person qualified by law to perform the ceremony (a minister, priest, judge, justice of the peace or some similar official), after having obtained a valid marriage license (which requires a blood test for venereal disease in about a third of the states and a waiting period from one to five days in several). The standard age for marriage without parental consent is 18 except for Georgia and Wyoming where it is 16, Rhode Island where women can marry at 16, and Mississippi in which it is 17 for boys and 15 for girls. More than half the states allow marriages at lesser ages with parental consent, going as low as 14 for both sexes in Alabama, Texas and Utah. Marriages in which the age requirements are not met can be annulled. Fourteen states recognize so-called "common law marriages" which establish a legal marriage for people who have lived together by agreement as husband and wife for a lengthy period of time without legal formalities.

Pasted from <http://dictionary.law.com/default2.asp?selected=1217&bold=marriage||>


This definition is then complicated by this one in some states:

common-law marriage

n. an agreement between a man and woman to live together as husband and wife without any legal formalities, followed and/or preceded by cohabitation on a regular basis (usually for seven years). Common-law marriage is legal in Alabama, Colorado, Georgia, Idaho, Iowa, Kansas, Montana, Ohio, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, Texas and Utah, thereby recognizing a marriage for purposes of giving the other party the rights of a spouse, including inheritance or employee benefits. Such informal partnerships are recognized by some local governments for purposes of the rights of a spouse under employment contracts and pension rights even where the state does not recognize this as a marriage.

Pasted from <http://dictionary.law.com/default2.asp?selected=249&bold=marriage||common||law||>


The technicalities of which lend itself to both the legalization of same-sex marriages and the polygamy debates. In actuality though marriage is a piece of paper that enable the individuals involved access to a legal vessel containing rights and privileges sanctioned by the state without further documentation. Unless specifically excluded by documentation a state sanctioned marriage will provide to a certain extent the following rights and provisions:

Marriage Rights and Benefits

Learn some of the legal and practical ways that getting married changes your life.

Whether or not you favor marriage as a social institution, there's no denying that it confers many rights, protections, and benefits -- both legal and practical. Some of these vary from state to state, but the list typically includes:

Tax Benefits

  • Filing joint income tax returns with the IRS and state taxing authorities.
  • Creating a "family partnership" under federal tax laws, which allows you to divide business income among family members.

Estate Planning Benefits

  • Inheriting a share of your spouse's estate.
  • Receiving an exemption from both estate taxes and gift taxes for all property you give or leave to your spouse.
  • Creating life estate trusts that are restricted to married couples, including QTIP trusts, QDOT trusts, and marital deduction trusts.
  • Obtaining priority if a conservator needs to be appointed for your spouse -- that is, someone to make financial and/or medical decisions on your spouse’s behalf.

Government Benefits

  • Receiving Social Security, Medicare, and disability benefits for spouses.
  • Receiving veterans' and military benefits for spouses, such as those for education, medical care, or special loans.
  • Receiving public assistance benefits.

Pasted from <http://www.nolo.com/article.cfm/pg/1/objectId/E0366844-7992-4018-B581C6AE9BF8B045/catId/F896EE61-B80C-4FE1-B1687AC0F07903BA/118/304/ART/>

Employment Benefits

  • Obtaining insurance benefits through a spouse's employer.
  • Taking family leave to care for your spouse during an illness.
  • Receiving wages, workers' compensation, and retirement plan benefits for a deceased spouse.
  • Taking bereavement leave if your spouse or one of your spouse’s close relatives dies.

Medical Benefits

  • Visiting your spouse in a hospital intensive care unit or during restricted visiting hours in other parts of a medical facility.
  • Making medical decisions for your spouse if he or she becomes incapacitated and unable to express wishes for treatment.

Death Benefits

  • Consenting to after-death examinations and procedures.
  • Making burial or other final arrangements.

Family Benefits

  • Filing for stepparent or joint adoption.
  • Applying for joint foster care rights.
  • Receiving equitable division of property if you divorce.
  • Receiving spousal or child support, child custody, and visitation if you divorce.

Housing Benefits

  • Living in neighborhoods zoned for "families only."
  • Automatically renewing leases signed by your spouse.

Consumer Benefits

  • Receiving family rates for health, homeowners', auto, and other types of insurance.
  • Receiving tuition discounts and permission to use school facilities.
  • Other consumer discounts and incentives offered only to married couples or families.

Pasted from <http://www.nolo.com/article.cfm/pg/2/objectId/E0366844-7992-4018-B581C6AE9BF8B045/catId/F896EE61-B80C-4FE1-B1687AC0F07903BA/118/304/ART/>

Other Legal Benefits and Protections

  • Suing a third person for wrongful death of your spouse and loss of consortium (loss of intimacy).
  • Suing a third person for offenses that interfere with the success of your marriage, such as alienation of affection and criminal conversation (these laws are available in only a few states).
  • Claiming the marital communications privilege, which means a court can’t force you to disclose the contents of confidential communications between you and your spouse during your marriage.
  • Receiving crime victims' recovery benefits if your spouse is the victim of a crime.
  • Obtaining immigration and residency benefits for noncitizen spouse.
  • Visiting rights in jails and other places where visitors are restricted to immediate family.

Note that if you are in a same-sex marriage in Massachusetts or a domestic partnership or civil union in any of the states that offer those relationship options, many of the benefits of marriage won't apply to you, because the federal government does not recognize these same-sex relationships. For example, you may not file joint federal income tax returns with your partner, even if your state allows you to file jointly. And other federal benefits, such as COBRA continuation insurance coverage, may not apply. Consult a lawyer with expertise in this area to learn more about the rights and benefits available to same-sex couples.

Pasted from <http://www.nolo.com/article.cfm/pg/3/objectId/E0366844-7992-4018-B581C6AE9BF8B045/catId/F896EE61-B80C-4FE1-B1687AC0F07903BA/118/304/ART/>

This is in essence the embodiment of the social contract that we deem marriage between the state and the partnership of individuals. In Islam the contract reads much the same way. The husband and wife are joining a union for the protection of religion and lineage. It is the duties of the husband to provide a home on a level where the woman is accustomed to living, instruct her in Deen, provide food and clothing, sexual rights and protection from outside forces. This is to state to the point where the woman does not have to Work, Clean the house, Instruct the children, cook the meals , nurse the kids or anything else that we traditionally think of as to what marriage is. Many women get angry and ask if they are only there for sex and theoretically that is the only thing that she is responsible for and to look after his stuff while he is away, other than that ISLAMICALLY she has no other responsibilities imposed upon her. That is a brief view of Islamically what marriage is on paper. However to quote at length you can look at any of these sites for a full explaination. However again it is simply a contract between two people to perform a specific function for a matter of time. That is all that it is a legal instruction providing certain entitlements to the participants involved. It can be altered or ratified or irretreivably broken.

As a contract it is necessary to lay out the lay of the land prior to marriage. If there is going to be polygamy or not and if so what are the provisions. When I used to argue on beliefnet I used to go over multiple comprehensive stratagies for women to use to avoid polygamy or recourse for when it actually did happen. The primary was in the marriage contract itself. You can place anything in your marriage contract and just as men can go into polygamy with a myriad of justifications most men hopefully know how to honor contracts and if not you have a clear resource of what you will leave with. In your marriage contract you can state that the husband has to provide for you in the same manner of living as you were accustomed to before any subsequent marriages. So in effect if he provided for the home $50K a year for maintenance unless he gets a raise to $100K or more he has to maintain you at your standard of living of $50K and you can factor in a revision of provision at directed intervals. You can also state that you have the right to divorce and keep property, custody of children or a cornucopia of other things and the US courts will honor it if it is signed and notarized. My wife signed a marriage agreement that I would get the children in case of divorce, however that copy was lost and although I have the actual text of the document if I had the original signed copy our divorce case would have went a lot smoother, or I would have at least been in a better position to get my children.

That is marriage. It is only an instrument that dictates what needs to be done in areas of responsibility of assets and children and it is primarily the same in both Islamic and secular systems. What is argued by women and men primarily on the issue of marital strife is not marriage but the relationship that ensues after a marriage has been established which is the relationship. When you talk about issues financial, polygamy, fidelity, child rearing or otherwise you are not talking about the written or verbal contract you are talking about behaviours associated with your spouse and that deals primarily with the relationship itself. It deals with effective communication, mutual respect, honor and the things that are talked about in this website. These are the things that people begin to expect however they are different from marriage this is the relationship between the husband and wife and to preclude problems in the relationship aspect of marriage you have to listen and become human. I just wanted to say this because there is a lot of angst where the discussion of marriage is concerned because as a Muslim woman you are not required to be in charge of anything at all whatsoever. Except in the absence of your husband. So when you break everything down to raw basics we can clear away the clutter and realize what it is that we are actually upset about. Is it the piece of paper or is it the individual. Yes you may feel like he can do whatever he wants, but the fact of the matter is so can women. As a Muslim woman you are not obliged to do squat except be available. Period. His house is his responsibility, His children are his responsibility, feeding is his responsibility and everything else is his responsibility, you are essentially responsible for yourself and nothing else.

Now most people want the fairytale. I love him he loves me and we will be happy and in love and etcetera and that is what people interpret as marriage, but that is not marriage. Allah says that HE will put love there, love is not a prerequisite for marriage. Allah said that He would join the hearts, but a marriage without joined hearts is still a marriage. If I said that my heart was irretrievably broken, but I was going to do something for the Deen and went out and married four widows/ divorcees and only provided for the house the marriages would all still be valid and good and in keeping of the spirit of taking care of the Ummah, because that is what it was for. After Uhud it wasn't please go out and find all the hottest women and marry them for the sake of the community no it was marry them because there is a community need. I don't have any qualms in doing that. There should be no qualms with marrying old or young, women with a lot of children, or none, ugly or comely because that is not why the institution of polygamy or marriage is in place it is in place for the protection of the Deen and the community of Muslims. That quality of equal opportunity is hardly one that is ever debated when it comes to polygamy the primary objection that I normally hear are the affairs turned halaal or whatnot.

The difference between marriage and relationships though should be pretty clear and manageable. Arguments and disagreements should be resolved equitably and if not there are the three options.

Thank you I appreciate you listening to my ramblings or at least skimming them.


Friday, September 26, 2008

It just keeps on getting better.

This test is coming at me on all fronts and now it is time to stand and deliver. I just got talked to by my command and it appears that 18 years of service seems to be definitely going down the drain. My command is aware of my financial problems and it is only a matter of time before SecCen gets involved after that I will have 30 days to make good if not it will go in for review and then when it comes down and my security clearance is pulled then I can no longer be in the Coast Guard. 18 years of wasted time all because of some nonsense.

Ya Allah!! You alone do I worship and You alone do I ask for guidance. Life will go on. One day at a time. It will go on. It is going to be ok. My back is against the wall and all is tumbling in and there is no where to run except to Allah.

Duas please.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

The reality of Slavery

The Kunta Kente band consist of two pieces. The transmitter on my foot and the GPS transceiver that I have to wear on my belt. This tag-team apparatus forms a deadly yoke to the reality of slavery. Supposedly this program is to allow low-risk criminals an exit back into society. However this is only a system of odds. Like the parole system the odds are stacked against the parolee. To be placed on an extended parole of several years is only a testament in numbers and probability. One has only one mishap to be placed back in the penitentary until time served has been expended.

This morning I forgot my Transceiver on the way to work. I was called by my Mom and promptly turned around and retrieved it. This has happened a couple of times. How often do you forget something on the way to work? How often if you are rushing out of the house is that thing elusive. Not everyday, but when you start counting the little "out of range" errors here and there that seem to be adding up against me the proposition seems hopeless.

I called my lawyer and told him that I need this thing off my foot. I told him that I don't even have to see my kids I just need this thing off of my foot. So hopefully he can do something about this nonesense. It is so disheartening to know that your life lies in the balance, and yet maybe it would be just another test from Allah. Allahu Alim. All of my fears have been addressed in this short period of time and now it is possible that the fear of incarceration will be addressed as well. For something that I didn't even do. A deep breath and a prayer. Oh Allah please save me from this terrible thing. Oh Allah please forgive me my sins and admit me amongst the righteous. La Illaha Illallah.

Times like these I think about death. If I should die in incarceration who will remember me and for what? Who will make dua over me and will my life have been worth living? We shall see....

I am not afraid of death and I would prefer it over incarceration even if only for a month or more. That however could be construed as cowardice, but surely the taste of death is sweeter than imprisonment, the hours that I spent were too long, but in everything Allah has a plan, and it is possible that I have been disobedient. I am not going to be a pawn for the system, but I submit to Allah and I pray for strength of whatever He has for me.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Is that the end of the tunnel? Or a train!!

Wow so I got my court date FINALLY and guess what it is? 10/31/2008 8:45 am. I mean really this nonsense started 8/11/2008 so two months later I can finally get before a judge and see about getting this thing off of my foot? Are you serious? Good Grief. I mean this is seriously messing up my operations, I'm saving a ton of money on my car insurance but dang!! Kunta you will survive. Insha Allah. Good Grief. 40 days so I guess it is like an Ark or something. Maybe I should fast the whole time on and off. 40 more days of no kids. Good googly moogly. Sheesh uuuaagggghh!!!

Oh Allah help me.

Friday, September 19, 2008

A Thing about Love

Love just doesn't evaporate, and love that is deeply rooted isn't going to go away just because a book is closed. It is like a weed that has roots so intertwined in the heart that it is almost impossible to just liquidate. I love the Snot out of Sakinah and that isn't going anywhere, whether we get back together or not. When I would tell her this she would say how is that helping me and then there is silence on my side. That girl man wow, I am going to go on loving her.

You know people say you just have to move on as if they forgot their ipod on a train and the truth is that it is just not that easy. It isn't. In my Domestic Violence class I have met many men who have been blatantly done wrong and others you are like yeah he did it, but the thing is that there is love there. Regardless of how twisted or unhealthy when humans make bonds they are very treasured. I have met people who are in relationships with complete deadbeats and the only thing that stops them from properly dropping their dead weight off at the curb is love. People are willing to endure all kinds of trials and tribulations in the name of Love.

Life would be easy if you didn't believe in love then you could just erase all of the pictures and call it good. I look at our pictures from time to time and realize that we have a ton of pictures. Over 5000 thanks to digital cameras and then we have the printed ones of us and the kids. Looking at them brings back all of the feelings of love and closeness that we shared and you just have to look and you appreciate that.

You know but you have to learn to first love yourself and then you will be able to love someone else exactly as they are, because although they may be refined over the years the core person is the same. Yes people do change and they also relapse so you have to be able to love yourself and then save your energy trying to change someone into something that they just aren't. I would have to say that this is the most frustrating thing in just about any relationship, trying to change people. You just have to let people be and love them exactly as they are. If they are a drunk then you love them just as they are and don't go try to HELP them because you are bound for years of frustration, if they cheat then don't expect them to be faithful, if they are lazy don't expect them to be hardworking if they are overweight don't expect them to lose it, if they are dumb don't expect them to become rocket scientists. Just expect them to be exactly the way that they are because the only actions you have control over are yours. Watch this I am going to try my hardest... Watch... See that you didn't donate to my bills. Watch again... See that, you didn't take off your clothes and dance naked in the living room. You can only affect yourself and no matter how hard you try you cannot affect the actions of another person.

This is the case when it comes to Love. You only are in charge of your ship, not the object of your affection. You can only do you, and not anyone else. Someone asked me in a comment that do I still want polygamy which is a logical question to ask, and now that I am stripped of everything you would expect the answer to be obvious, but let's look at the manual.

3:14 ALLURING unto man is the enjoyment of worldly desires through Women, and children, and heaped-up treasures of gold and silver, and horses of high mark, and cattle, and lands. All this may be enjoyed in the life of this world - but the most beauteous of all goals is with God.

This verse describes to all women what challenges that are halaal that they will be faced with. You will be faced with a man who desires polygyny or flirts, or watches porn or something else that alludes to his obsession with women (granted some of those aren't halaal). Then there is the man who is always coming back to the till for child after child because he believes in heritage and that may or may not include polygamy. The Osama’s come to mind how many children does Papa Osama have? The man who is always after the dollar so much so that his attention at home is distracted so much so that he may as well have another woman because he is always working all the time. The man who is into his hobby and I say that because these are the men who have to have the latest of everything, the fastest car and he is always waxing it or the best computer or Ipod or cell phone something that everyone will say ooohh over. Then there is the man who is always after provision, I don’t have a good definition of what cattle represents but it leads towards sustenance and the acquiring of it and fear of losing it so that it detracts the man from the house. Lastly there is the man that is consumed with the acquisition of power. Ladies let me tell you that YOUR man regardless of his qualities and vices will have ONE of these problems if not more. We all strive to be the best Muslim that we can absolutely be however until we reach the highest state of faith MEN will suffer from one of these desires and only his faith or his promises will prevent him from that. ALL women will have these problems to deal with in their man, even if his Deen is tight I can guarantee you because Allah I can assure you will not be made a liar.

I suffer from a couple on the list Women being one of them and that is something that I need to get resolved either before I get married again or I need to marry someone who accepts me exactly as I am or stay single. Those are my options. Know thyself and be honest and hopefully that will stave off a lot of heartache and having someone spend years trying to CHANGE you. I thought I had it under control, I thought that being honest with Sakinah and keeping my promises would mitigate the effects of my desires but alas it did not. The mere existence of my desires caused real pain as if she was living a polygynous marriage. And the fact is that it still exists even if I never mention it again for the rest of my life if we get back together. It will always be there and she will over the years as she gets older probably become increasingly anxious that one day I will break all of my promises and bring home some young chick and be like hey hon meet your new co-wife. I thought that closing the door on P was good enough, but the damage that was done was the P door was even looked at in the first place and had I known that I would have kept my mouth shut, or created a private blog to vent my issues, but I would have at least insulated her from my desires. There is more but Oh well I think a lot of it would be rambling on at this point.

I love Sakinah and that will never change. I still love my first wife and probably more so now that I have forgiven her for breaking her word, she will have to deal with her Lord over that issue, but the kids are doing well and I appreciate that from her. I don’t know what is going to happen with Sakinah and me, but I love her and that isn’t going to change. Love just is and that is all.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Whatever she wants

Wow I just got back from talking to my lawyer and I told her that I agree to Sakinah's terms of 50% of everything. I told her to tell her lawyer that I was ready to get this whole thing over with. So if we get back together which is what I think that she wants then if it works which I don't see any problem in it doing then great and if it doesn't then everything is already taken care of. I think it will work though. I'm hopeful.

I can't talk to her though, and I haven't, if she calls. My lawyer told me that it is pretty serious. Any slip of the tongue can end me up in jail for up to a year. Any slight or admission to talking to her will send me to jail. The state wants their money. Domestic cases used to be solely tried in Family Court and now the whole thing has moved into the criminal court so the effects of people and their career opportunities all lay in the balance of 1 call and I think that is ridiculous. If convicted working as a professional anywhere is really out of the question. All of my clearances will be revoked, my career will be over. Contract work will not be a possibility. Foster care is out. Becoming a teacher is out and the list of professions of what you can do professionally is seriously diminished. It is something that is very serious. 3 digit death, you may as well pack up and leave the country if you can. Wow.

Well I know how to cut grass.

So if we get back together I guess I will be the stay at home husband and she will have to carry the load, cause it looks like I will get fired. Oh well. It probably would have been ok, but they have the letter that I wrote and I suppose it can be taken any kind of way depending on how it is presented and my statement of having nothing to lose will really play against me as some kind of psycho.

So if I lose my job and my pension and everything else over this nonsense then I may as well get me a hammock and hang out on the beach with my son until it is time to get the other kids and drink coconut milk and eat coconuts. If you don't die though I guess you can adjust to anything and stay positive about whatever life throws at you. So we will see.

3 digit Death

So now I have all the information before me. All of the police reports are in and everything is manifest, and I for being so honest have probably just screwed myself. I read the police report and the events in it are fairly accurate with the exception of me saying that I wanted to kill her and put her head on a platter. I don't know where that nonsense came from I never said anything like that. It is fine though regardless of what happens or what evidence the prosecution brings I suppose that their case is pretty solid even without her testimony because I have a big mouth so they will probably get a conviction. Oh well, and I found out that my unit have not actually processed a disciplinary action, but have issued a stay of disciplinary action until the case is over. So right after this is over I may get a Captain's Mast for missing work those days surrounding the incarceration.

So in the course of 4 hours 3 digits changed my life. I lost my kids, freedom, possibly my job after 18 years of service, my house (the Farm house is in foreclosure), my credit rating, any chance of contractor work, and unless I make my own company a lifetime of substandard pay due to a police record. Wow you may as well take me out back right now. I'll figure something out. Maybe I will go back to Bahrain and work for my friend. Who knows? I need to finish out my degree while I can.

The future? Well what can I say I am going to talk to my lawyer now and I will see what my options are. Ya Rab Yateenee Ahsan Makhraj. May Allah bless you all. Insha Allah I will find my way free. My Pretrial officer told me that I have to WAIT for her to call before I make any moves. So it basically works like Mother May I. If I don't get a call from her I have to be in a designated place, either at work or at home otherwise I will be facing a warrant. Ridiculous, but I am good. It is all good.

Whatever...

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

The Perfect Laptop

I often sit around and just think up stuff but here is something that I know that I am not going to do anything with anytime soon. What is the perfect laptop? Well honestly the way that I would define it would be primarily light and flexible. Now in these modern days with laptops becoming more of a norm for some rather than desktops because it just makes more sense a lot of times are just more practical and the prices are coming down so it is becoming cheaper.

So what is it that I am looking for? Well basically a tablet PC with a wireless keyboard that has three functional modes attached, detached and when attached to the laptop serves as a protective cover for the screen. A full size keyboard regardless of how large the monitor is so that I don't have to be limited in keyboard space because I have a tiny computer with a 9" - 14" monitor. Like I love my Treo's wireless keyboard it is full size and expandable and it allows me to type like a normal person. Even with my treo's small screen. Perfect and when I don't need it I don't have to use it.

There is practically no way to escape battery weight. They weigh what they weigh, however it would be great if they were balanced throughout the unit so that one end of your laptop isn't 20lbs and the other end is like this feather. (This promotes cracking your case when you pick it up by the light end)

Modular parts so that I don't have to scrap the whole laptop just because something broke. My screen breaks buy a new screen module, my keyboard breaks, and etcetera. Also make the insides modular as well, everything from the motherboard to the wireless card. Currently the easiest internal component to change is the system memory but if anything else goes bad you have to send it back to the manufacturer. I think you should be able to go down and easily configure laptop by swapping and dropping cards. Of course they would probably become thicker, but if this could be done and keep the form factor slim and sexy that would make millions.

Anyway that is about it. I'm sure there is something close to it out there. However I think that it is all good.

Reflections

Wow it has been a while since I've posted. I've been really contemplative these days. I have a lot of time on my hands. Several things have happened as of late. The most exciting of which is my son has learned how to crawl out of the crib all by himself. So at least one of us is free from bars and chains. I'll never put a child in a crib again (not that I was a big proponent before). You never appreciate the freedom to move around until you don't have it. I can't go anywhere except for those that are designated on my schedule. No stopping at the Mixie Mart for a pop or a bag of cookies, just straight to work and back home. That's it and any place else has to be on the schedule.

On Saturday I get two hours to shop and it is the closest thing to freedom that I have experienced. I have two hours and I have combined them with my Domestic Violence class so I sometimes get some slack time if we get out early or something. The first time I got off I went to TigerDirect down off of Flagler street and it wasn't all that exciting, but they had computers and some good deals (not like I have any money), but I enjoyed myself. Then after I left I had more time and I didn't know what to do with myself so where did I go? Where else would you expect? I spent the remainder of my time at the "Spot" good grief you guessed it WalMart. When does WalMart become a vacation destination? I think this Saturday I will go to a park and watch people enjoy their children. Maybe I will go and put my feet in the sea, but finding a good beach is hard and a little disconcerting with this giant 80's cell phone/ home phone looking thing. That and It can't get wet and the Kunta Kente band can't be submerged so I guess that Idea is out. Tomorrow I will try to come to work an hour early and take some pictures on the Causeway of the city. It will be kind of dangerous because I will have to stop my car and jump out and snap my pics and then jump back in my car all from the emergency lane on the bridge. I've wanted to do it for a while but it really hasn't been working out for me.

When this thing comes off I am definitely going to the west coast to catch the sunset. Then I am going to visit my aunt in the hospital. I have wanted to do that for a while. I look forward to it coming off. Being restrained is not something that you want to do. I know that in the future I probably will never have an argument with a woman again. When it starts getting hot I will stop, leave and just chalk that relationship up for something that just didn't work. I have spent more than enough time in jail to last two lifetimes and I was only in there for 2 days. You think you know someone after spending a lifetime with them and then you find out that you don't know them at all. Maybe you did know them, but you were just in love and didn't look at all of the information. I suppose that I am like that and can be like that, just fall in love and hope for the best. Now starting out in my life again I think that I will just focus on the quality of a relationship. I asked Allah specifically what I wanted and I got it and most probably it was my entire fault that things ended the way that it did, but it is what it is and that is all good.

So on the brighter side I have been on this Raw foods diet for the last two weeks. I had just bought all of this food before I started. Ultimately I gave a lot of it to my wife and kids. All of the bread except for some more that I have I still have some buns to give away. She has the burgers but not the buns. Oh well there is more stuff of hers in the back of my Mom's car that has been avoided being gotten, but oh well. I have lost weight on this diet of nothing but raw foods. The premise is simple, eat all natural foods and nothing that has been cooked for more than 118* because otherwise it would be dead. It is called Raw foods but a more practical and appealing name would be Live foods. If you go to www.Rawfor30Days.com you will see an impressive account of how individuals are reversing diabetes, hypertension, CANCER, lumps in breasts, sexual dysfunction, and a whole host of diseases all with a change in diet. I was amazed so I am helping my boss Marsha Sims of www.sortitout.net get her business of Raw Foods up and running. She is an inspiration. I used to work for her when I used to sell Real Estate almost 18 years ago. It has been forever. Now she is changing my life again. She has A.D.D too so we feed off of each other with ideas and plans. Oh yeah I have A.D.D thought you knew. Anyway it looks very promising so we will see just how it will all go.

Well my sister came home and doused my diet. The curry chicken was phenomenal and the rice and gumbo yesterday was great as well. I myself am good with just a smoothie of fruit and vegetables (have you ever wondered why those words are always in that order) then maybe a fruit and some nuts and I'm good. Now the thing is that you get full when you eat whole foods and you aren't really doing your body harm so you can snack as much as you want. It is Ramadan now so usually after I break fast with my Smoothie I'm done and then I just snack on nuts until it is time to go to sleep. However I'm easy and lazy since I'm not cooking for anyone so I'm good with just a smoothie. Rinse off the blender and pau. I can go on to doing whatever I want. Breakfast or Dinner no problem just grab fresh fruit and Veggies and blend and pau I'm out. Some nuts and I'm rolling, but the thing is that after you have been on the diet for about a week or so you don't get hungry all the time. Now the reason that you mostly get hungry is because of all of the sugar that is in food. There is a lot of sugar in food because there is something about the way that it metabolizes that allows you to eat more. If you eat raw foods your body gets what it needs and you don't need much else.

I have resigned to save meat for special occasions like Eid I will eat a lot IF I HAVE THIS STUPID THING OFF OF MY FOOT!!! Otherwise I will probably get two hours and then back to the bayt. I know that it won't be a problem because it will only stay in my system for about 3 days. After that it will be gone as long as I eat my shakes. Mom was concerned about me so she bought this protein stuff. Now I am not one to be adding stuff to my food. I may do some ketene strips to see if I'm in error or something, but we will see. I may be to lazy for that. Nuts, berries, and veggies. I go to see my lawyer tomorrow though and I am totally going to break down and buy some 365 Vanilla crème cookies from Whole Foods. TOTALLY. Those are my favorite cookies, well one of my favorites I love cookies I will always eat them.

Well I am at work so I really need to get to it and I have been putzing around with this post for a little bit.

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Purification of Anger

In Purification of the Heart it says:

 

As for the swelling ocean of all of these diseases, I mean anger; if you come to its shore, you’ll see great astonishments.

 

Its waves and everything else about it are overflowing. So say of it what you will without constraint.

 

It has two treatments: one of them removes it altogether without trace. The other suppresses it should it manifest itself.

 

To be adorned with the ornament of its cure, remember the extensive praise lavished upon forbearance and humility in Sacred Law, as well as in the poetry and prose of the wise. Indeed, remember that all of the prophets have been depicted as having both qualities.

 

Repel [anger] by perceiving at its onset that there is no one doing anything in reality except the Almighty; also by performing ablution with cold water, keeping silent, lying down (if one is sitting) and sitting (if one is standing). It will pass by doing these things, and also by seeking refuge in Allah as was mentioned in the tradition.

 

In realizing that dealing with this situation that there is a lot of anger involved, I must first realize that I get angry in this situation because I feel violated of my rights as a husband. The first and most obvious reality is that I have no rights on her. The Iddat period has passed so in essence she is free to do whatever she wants to do and I have no right to get upset about it. I have no right to get upset about it and in fact she had asked me to divorce her long before this, but we were still inside of the Iddat period so in essence I have NO right to be upset about any of her actions at all, with the exception of a two week period.

 

Similarly she is in the same boat. She has no rights on me either so by the same token I am free to do whatever I want as well. The only thing that continues to be a ball and chain in this situation and prolonging the whole thing is the STATE and the slow-behind divorce process. So I believe that once we allow that to set in we can begin to decide how we want to move forward either together or separately.

 

It was posed by a good friend that we go forward with the amnesia effect, meaning that this entire Bahrain period should just be forgotten and I believe that it could have been had there not been further transgressions. I have no problem with the transgressions that happened before we came to an agreement of trust; it is the ones that I was assaulted with after that agreement that cause me such anguish. So if we were to get back together we will have to open the book and see what is present before us and then analyze if we indeed truly want to go forward.

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Reconciliation problems and diseases of the heart

If you were to walk up and ask me do I want to get back with Sakinah I would tell you most definitely, but it is just not that simple. There is anger, disgust and betrayal to deal with. There are broken promises and broken agreements to deal with. There is a lot to deal with. The first is that there is absolutely no trust period. I trust her about as far as I can throw the Empire State building I'm sure there are similar feelings on her side. I don't believe anything that comes out of her mouth. EVERYTIME I begin to want to bend towards reconciliation I receive hard evidence why I should let it go. HARD EVIDENCE in other words realities come to light that HURT.

She has her story and I have what I BELIEVE due to personal experience, FACTS and eyewitness reports. The truth is I could accept a lot probably everything except lies. Lies are irreconcilable and since her official story conflicts with what I BELIEVE and all of the evidence that I have before me that is an immovable road block to meaningful reconciliation and until it can be resolved I will always be angry. Because it has not been resolved it stands as a barricade in the way, because I just don't believe her story. Period.

My belief prevents me from letting go. It allows me to LEAVE and just chuck it up to an unfortunate event, but it doesn't allow me to go on in the relationship. Lies are irreconcilable. So the question on the table is can we go on together and the truth is we can, but while I am angry and have unresolved issues it isn't going to work. It just isn't because while I am angry I feel that I DESERVE RESTITUTION. I don't feel obligated to promise anything ESPECIALLY any further assurances against polygamy when and IF I do EVER become financially viable for it. Right now I am content to deal with whatever comes out of the domestic violence and the divorce cases.

The Iddat period has come and gone and I realize she doesn't owe me anything, but that doesn't stop her actions from hurting. If the pendulum of pain doesn't stop then there is no hope, but as of now I don't feel obligated for anything accept keeping my word and getting remarried Islamically, going to counseling and getting to some semblance of normalcy. It isn't much but it is a starting point. The anger has to be resolved though and there is no trust and a ton of suspicion that has to be dealt with. It is not impossible but both of us have taken the actions that we will on the other to be accepted by the other.

There are gross misinterpretations and assumptions that have complicated this issue from the beginning. It was erroneous to assume that she would "be a good wife" and let her husband lead the family in his decisions and be obedient. She's her own person and I have never treated her like this before. If she wanted to she would but she was going through pain or whatever so she didn't. It is doubly erroneous for her to assume after the tremendous amount of pain that she put me through to just jump at her every whim and do whatever it is that she asks me to do and just accept everything. NOT!!! I love her and I was pretty much wrapped around her finger but those days are over, because when trust dies then that is no longer a characteristic of the relationship. The only thing that is left is whenever she calls for reconciliation I stop and look at her actions and I have consistently found that they are not in connection with any efforts of sincerity by my interpretation, and I need you all to understand what is real to me is definitely real and what is real to her is also real so even though she may believe that she has been one way me looking at her actions tell me something else and that for me is REAL.

It has primarily not been hearsay that got us here it has been facts and my feelings. So if we go on and try to rebuild there are some things that are going to have to be worked out. The bold-face lies thing is one thing, but the anger that I have to deal with is another then there are the dangling strings of the rest of the stuff.

I keep thinking back to Domestic Violence class Negotiate, Accept or Leave. We keep coming back to the negotiate table but there are so many things that we won't accept so that leaves us with the reoccurring reality of leaving each other in kindness. Insha Allah He will work it out for the best. I submit to His Will and pray for the best. There is hope, but I think a lot more dua will be needed.

After the DV case we will be going to a couples in crisis program and getting remarried Islamically, but the civil divorce is going through.

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Getting back together

My wife wants to get back together and I said that I would after the divorce (get remarried Islamically) in order to rebuild trust and everything and I can't talk to her at all. The problem like I see it is that I am so angry now. She either purposely or through an attempt to escape pain put an unbelievable hurting on me. I am still hurting, hurting and angry, betrayed and humiliated. I'm so frustrated and I have no way of getting with her and working out my issues.

I don't feel like retaliating I just don't feel like making any promises. I promised that I would give it a try and I will because I really, really really love her, but I am too angry right now so the separation is good. I am actually looking forward to going to my Domestic Violence class this week because I want to unload. Negotiate, Accept or Leave and that is what it is. After being placed in jail my tolerance for negotiation is Nil, my willingness to just accept what ever rules or stipulations she hands me is even lower than that and she just doesn't understand that there is very little keeping me from leaving. Before it was the kids influencing my decision to stay, but I am Muslim and I pray so Insha Allah they will be fine. Make no mistake that I love her like nobody's business. She owns my heart I love her from the depths of my soul and no one has ever hurt me like this but my cup is next to empty and I don't feel like getting pushed around anymore. I don't feel like being handed a crap sandwich and being told it is fillet Mignon. I REALLY REALLY don't feel like getting LIED to again EVER, I am so over that.

I AM SO MAD AT HER!!!! I forgive her though and UUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!

Monday, September 01, 2008

Ramadan Mubarak

I wish you all blessings and bounty in this blessed month of Ramadan. Please think of me while you are in the rows of the faithful. I pray that I will be able to join you all during the last 10 days. I was able to go to Masjid Al Ansar this past Sunday and I helped out with Arabic class. It felt good, but I had to hold my tongue on somethings so as not to overstep my bounds. Alhamdulillah the brothers there are doing good work. Masha Allah. I hope to get my reading regimen up and working this Ramadan. I won't be doing anything else so I will primarily be reading my Juzza on a daily basis. Not doing much else. So no excuses this Ramadan right. So I hope to finish it all. I will read it in English and Arabic this year Insha Allah.

Make dua for me this blessed month and I will make dua for you, and may we all be brought closer to the pleasure of Allah Ta'ala. Ameen.