It just keeps on getting better.
This test is coming at me on all fronts and now it is time to stand and deliver. I just got talked to by my command and it appears that 18 years of service seems to be definitely going down the drain. My command is aware of my financial problems and it is only a matter of time before SecCen gets involved after that I will have 30 days to make good if not it will go in for review and then when it comes down and my security clearance is pulled then I can no longer be in the Coast Guard. 18 years of wasted time all because of some nonsense.
Ya Allah!! You alone do I worship and You alone do I ask for guidance. Life will go on. One day at a time. It will go on. It is going to be ok. My back is against the wall and all is tumbling in and there is no where to run except to Allah.
Duas please.
They would fire you for having financial problems? How is that possible?
ReplyDeleteWell Nasrin it works like this. The government has secrets and it will go to great lengths to protect those secrets. It will do this by systematically closing all security weaknesses. One of the main secrets of security is basically Hardware or Human weaknesses. Human weaknesses are the ones most volatile and dangerous. Personnel with high risk behavior are generally more susceptible for security breaches. A senator who is a pedophile for example can easily be exploited and blackmailed. Thus opening the government to a multitude of security compromises. A person with a security clearance like myself who is not financially stable proves to flag the high risk police and makes themselves susceptible to falling into the hands of those who would like to exploit their financial state for secrets.
ReplyDeleteIn my job I have to work around a lot of secure information. Actually I don't right now, right now I handle logistics, but my level of ranking in the service means that it is necessary for me to hold a security clearance. If I am found unfit in anyway to hold a security clearance then I lose my job. It is just that simple.
I think Sakinah after she finds out that I'm going to be out of work and because my whole 18 years of service has been geared towards this industry any meaningful job that would be comparable to what I am making now would also be linked to that security clearance and if I lose it then I am left scrambling for whatever I can get. And that is fine. Inna lillahi wa Inna Illayhe rajioon. What that will mean for the family is that my ex-wife with my first two will suffer, Sakinah and my present bunch will suffer. Oh well what is done in darkness will come to the light. In the end though everyone will be ok for surely Allah places on no one a burden greater than they can bear. So I am certain that it will work itself out.
First of all, insha'Allah, I hope your "security clearance" does not violate the rights of Muslims around the world.
ReplyDeleteSecond of all, you use the words "financial difficulty", when you really mean, "domestic violence case".
You are refusing to take on any responsibility for your won actions.
Allah (SWT) says in the Quran that He does nto change a condition of a people until they try to change it themselves. (paraphrased). You need to takes ome responsibilities for the emotional (and alleged) physical hardships you have put your wife and kids in because of what you claim to want (or need) i.e., more responsibility, or polygyny.
Another way to look at it is that Allah (SWT) is blessing you by removing you from the military. Perhaps it is not good for you.
Perhaps you need to realize that you must be happy with the blessing Allah bestows on you and not complain and keep asking for more, in your case, you had a good wife, but you wanted more...
Take advantage of the last 10 night of Ramadan, Allah(swt) is the Most Forgiving, Most Merciful.
Truly open your heart and realize that you have some responsibility in this.
First of all Allahu Alim, but the same can be said for taxes and a myriad of things that we support just by being in this country or any other country for that matter so that is a debate that I will not even enter.
ReplyDeleteSecond of all I know exactly what I meant, and my financial, excuse me OUR financial problems didn't start with the domestic violence case they technically started when alhamdulillah we gave our foster son up for adoption. However even then although things were tight we were able to make it. Then that was compounded when we moved to Miami and Sakinah wasn't able to or was too preoccupied to work and then that got magnified when she decided to leave altogether leaving me to carry the full load all alone which we had agreed upon how our bills were to be split.
Is it my fault YES most definitely I firmly know now that as the provider of the household to not enter into any financial obligations that my own check by itself doesn't cover, because Islamically she isn't mandated to pay anything towards anything in the house. I over extended my ownself in TRUSTING that she would keep her word which she was under no obligation to keep in the first place. So in the end it is I who is looking stupid. I fully accept that and chalk it up to a lesson learned. I guess it makes it easier to save up everything and buy it all with CASH in the future.
Allah doesn't change the condition of a people until they change that which is within themselves this is a true statement of Allah. I take full responsibility for telling my wife the truth about ALL of my feelings that she has ever asked of me. I take and have no problem taking all of the responsibility of everything that has happened. Now what have you to say? WHAT! Everyone keeps saying responsibility, responsibility like it is some commodity at Starbucks. I TAKE responsibility for the things that I have done. I TELL the truth about my actions and I KEEP my promises as to that which I am going to do. If someone to whom a promise was made says that I don't have to keep that promise then that means that I am free to do as I wish.
I know a lot of you who come to my blog are hurt by polygamy and that is fine, but don't PROJECT onto me the nastiness your husband did to you. I was open and I was honest and I gave my word and I kept my word and if I am WRONG for that then Alhamdulillah I will proudly be wrong till the day that I die.
I don't know the blessings of Allah. It may indeed be a blessing to get removed from the military. I am not afraid. I will be broke for a while but Alhamdulillah I have family so I am and will be good. Insha Allah. There are a lot of people out there with less. So even if I didn't and became homeless I know that Allah has a way for me somehow and when I am through with the test I will be a better Muslim and a better person.
I am happy with the blessing that Allah has bestowed upon me and I think that if you read my blog you will not find any complaints that I had in my wife and the fact that I wanted more did not change the commitment I made to be with only her.
I love you Anon fisabelillah, but if you think I am lacking in responsibility I ask you on what grounds are you in full knowledge of to make this claim? What!
AsSalaamu A'laikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuhu
I am not in a polygamous relationship. I am a revert and before I reverted to Islam, it was a concern that i had.
ReplyDeleteBefore getting married, I made sure that my spouse was okay with monogamy, or I would not have married him. It has never been an issue as his parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. are monogamous as well.
So, I am not projecting onto you anything. I see things diffrently on my side of the screen, and even your saying WHAT, WHAT givers me the impression that you are an angry person, a Believing angry person, but nonetheless, brother, you have some unresolved issues.
You are obviously blaming your wife for the Kunta Kente band. And according to your own words, you said "First of all Allahu Alim, but the same can be said for taxes and a myriad of things that we support just by being in this country or any other country for that matter so that is a debate that I will not even enter." One of those things is polygyny is illegal, secondly, if your so much as threaten your wife, then it will be taken seriously. You are telling me to take the good with the bad, I tell you the same.
Again, I say that you are difusing the blame on others, in this case, you are blaming me, as a commenter, saying that I have issues just because I gave you my opinion-diffusing, brother, diffusing the issue.
As for the fact that you say Sakina gave you "permission" to get another wife, if she retracted that permission, then you are both on square one, no? that means you guys weren't one the same page anymore. It is sad, but it happens. What I see is that you wanted to have your cake and eat it too. You wanted Sakina to want polygyny too. You have to let go of that idea brother. Polygyny has to be wanted by all parties otherwise the women are only held hostage...
Don't get so angry, I am just telling you how you come across on your blog. I hope you resolve your issues and you and your wife will be blessed with financial security which seems to be a big burden on you both.
AsSalaamu A'laikum Anon,
ReplyDeleteFirst of all I am not angry, well not now but when you posted I suppose you caught me at just the correct moment, but no I am not angry. Hurt but not angry and yes I think it would take anyone a minute to recollect themselves after throwing 6 years of seemingly happy marriage down the tubes. Yeah you aren't ok for a while after that. So I am not going to argue unresolved issues and it is probable that anger is one of them, yes I would have to admit that as well, anger, hurt, pain, ambivilence, indifference, rage, confusion, despair, hope, objection, despondency, liberation, freedom, violation, degredation, humiliation, frustration, emancipation yeah all of those feeling swirled into a great big ball and forced to swallow down. I don't know if you read back on the previous comments but they went over some of the stuff that you talked about here. So this is kind of a rehashing of old arguments, but therapeutic nonetheless.
Yes I would be blaming her for the Kunta Kente band the call was more a power move rather than a plea of fear and an effective one if I must say so myself, that has to be chalked up to experience now. You live and you learn and although I was raised in the rough part of town for the most part I was shielded from the madness and the first lesson of fighting is never tell someone what you are going to do you just do it, but at the time I was trying to be civil and negotiate a bad situation and she responded with this Kunta Kente band. Lesson learned oh well. Yes polygamy is illegal but pornography, alcohol, gambling, prostitution, adultery, government kidnappings, torture, state legalized murder both by the courts and the police officers, home invasion, forced dumbing down, diffusion and the stripping of each and every essential human right is legal, go figure.
I am not blaming others where in my commentary did you see me diffuse the blame on others? I would like to know exactly and when you ASKED me to take some responsibility I told you that I did and then I went on to explain the responsibility that I took so I do not comprehend your explanation of me diffusing the issue and shifting the blame. I will give you the benefit of the doubt and ask you to please fully explain your point. I know I gave you specific points of my own personal business, but on your side of the screen I would really just like to know where you are coming from.
Yes the key word is IF she retracted that permission. Well the fact is that she didn't. She just said well if it is really what you want then ok or basically she kept reassuring me ON BOTH occasions even when I DIRECTLY ASKED if this is what she wanted. So again your argument is unfounded. However I give you levity because you are indeed outside looking in. But no we didn't go back to square one, because I asked if that was where she wanted to go several times and several times I was given the green light.
Now what I have learned from my domestic violence class is that no I actually don't have to let that idea go there are three options negotiations, acceptance or divorce. A woman always has these options before her just as a man does. A woman or a man never has to be a HOSTAGE in a relationship. Everyone is free to leave at any time. Especially in the west. Some countries Leaving may not be an option but in the West it is. With divorce rates skyrocketing it is obvious that leaving is something that completely eliminates a hostage situation.
And lastly I am free to get emotional, after all it is my blog and I do happen to be in a great deal of pain. I also have something to be angry about, it is perfectly human. Insha Allah a path out of this present financial debacle will come forth. Thank you for your caring and concern. Your duas are greatly appreciated for us all.
Shukran
Muhammad
The fact that you discussed polygamy with your husband before you got married was very wise. Sakinah and I discussed it as well and we had come to an agreement that it was not to be entered and I was perfectly fine with that. There were other things that weren't communicated or weren't communicated effectively and then there are some character traits that weren't realized and taken into account. I will explain those now. When I was in Bahrain and My personal upheaval began Sakinah explained in great detail each point where I transgressed her feelings, and I was able to realize at that point all of the things that hurt her. I knew that it was a shame because the appropriate time to talk about them was when they were actually happening and it is possible that she did, but if you were to ask me what those things were today I couldn't tell you. I have forgotten and I suppose that it is kind of like when someone cuts you off on the freeway you remember and are fuming all the way to work and that person has messed up half of your day, but the transgressor is none the wiser.
Now I am forced to think back to the things she said. Back when it started she said that I was on the computer everyday arguing about polygamy and I remember at that time I was on Beliefnet begging sisters to talk about polygamy with their spouses BEFORE the Nikah nothing more and at that time she championed me and defended me and I suppose led me to believe that it was a possibility and we talked about it openly. It is all a blur now, but I don't remember what I said and what she said, but at that time we didn't sit down and talk about true feelings about the issue, or maybe we did and I know that at any time it was discussed my promise of not going into it was mentioned. Then there came the first marital incident where she picked the girl NOT ME for me to marry. It is not blame just a statement of facts.Then it didn't work out and during I did several things to hurt her feelings and several times I asked for and provided an exit and at no point was it accepted, so we proceeded on. This happened both times now MY impression of our relationship was that we told each other everything. I told her everything that was going on with me and I SUPPOSED that she was doing the same. Well after a lot of hardship and grief we are at the stage of divorce that could have all been resolved with a single if not multiple gentle nudgings for recourse away from polygamy. There you have it.
In the end what I have learned is to be true to self. Not every woman is ok with polygamy. I first lied to myself by suppressing the desire and it is possible she lied to herself by thinking that she could make me forget about it. I did try to forget about it and divorce it from myself, but obviously that failed. So the logical thing for ME to do is to if I was to possibly enter into marriage again just say right up front that I am a polygamist before emotions start getting all crazy and fantasies of white picket fences abound. Now being that honest I may never get married again, but I may be ok with that and that would be more preferable to lying to another woman only to have this desire resurface down the road.
And that is how I feel.
First of all brother, you and your ex-wife put your family in the financial difficult situation. What happen to living within your means? Why is it your ex-wife's responsibility to work outside them home just make ends meet for the family? It is your responsibility has a muslim man to protector and provide for your family but the way it looks your wife has carried you and your family on her back. Its sad to think you place most on the blame on her when you haven't done your job as that "ideal muslim man." Did you ever think your "threat" really did have her wondering if you were able to do harm to her. You know for yourself that anger can and will make someone do something they will later regret.
ReplyDeleteI just to sit and wonder why your ex-wife worked so hard just to have you take all the money. Yes, Sakinah and her children will not suffer some due to your small amount of income because she has the ability to work and support them as she has done over the entire marriage. Your first ex-wife will suffer because she can't rely on Sakinah's help to take cre of the children you had with your first wife.
Brother, you have really put on all the toppings on your Blog by making people think you hard the person wronged and mistreated but the True is you didn't conduct your marriage and responsibilites in an ISLAMIC fashion so Allah (swt) has placed this burden on your to help you see that you didn't have the ability to take care of one your wife, children, nor ex-wife, but you wanted to bring a co-wife into the picture. YOU NEED TO GROW UP AND STOP FOCUSING ON YOUR TEENAGE HORMONES AND BE A MAN ABOUT YOURS. I used to think you were an outstanding brother but now I look at you feel nothing but shame. May Allah (swt) open your eyes and heart to see you have created this problem and with his guidance you can overcome it and become the man you should have years ago!
All I can say is Dang. I thought we were in Ramadan. It is so sad to see people act like this NOW.
ReplyDeleteliving, there is more than one anonymous. Also, sometimes, people believe they are trying to help.
ReplyDeleteNot all the anonymous comments are insulting though.
But you are right, if a comment isn't helpful, then perhaps it shouldn't be said at all.
also, living, giving someone nasiha isn't haram, but it does not translate well on type. Perhaps it seems harsher than originally intended.
ReplyDeleteLike I said it is my fault for allowing financial obligations to come into the family that my check alone could not support. That is my fault and I accept full responsibility for that. My wife did NOT have to work outside of the home, she chose to and when she did work outside of the home she chose to want things for the home that my income could not provide. In the beginning my income provided everything for the home and living arrangements were made. I made a mistake early on in the marriage which ended in bankruptcy and that too was my fault. After that we secured a home which provided for our family and we were able to pay all of our bills handsomely. I allotted my wife the FREEDOM to choose wherever we lived and I did not object to her decisions. She proclaimed that because she was working that we could take on extra financial responsibilities and like a person believing that we were a team I went along. This is probably something that can be rooted in the Adam and Eve experience. I think about that story when I think about this. I knew what my limits where and I allowed myself to become over extended. Never again.
ReplyDeleteI am happy living within my means. I am perfectly fine in doing so. I don't have to ever buy anything. These days at home has shown me that in great detail. My wife did not carry the family on her back. She carried the extras of the things that she wanted on her back. The things that I didn't say NO to and over time those became quite a bit of things, but I have learned.
I have done my job as an "ideal Muslim man" Well maybe not so I do take all of that blame. In the future since women are financially not responsible for anything regardless of whether they make more or less than the husband. I know for myself that I will not commit any funds to any projects and obligations that will overextend me past what I by myself and my resources can provide. So I will take that punch in the face. I thought I was in a relationship of mutual sharing and agreed responsibility, but obviously that isn't Islamic? I would just like to let everyone here know that was my responsibility to force the family to live within my means and on that I failed.
When I offered to get a second job because I have no qualms with working 17 and 20 hour days I was advised to stand down because my earnings at my second job would not be substantial enough to warrant the extra time spent away from the family, however if my wife worked she could earn twice as much as I could on a second job so logical minds ruling out she decided to go to work. I thought that was how most families in America did it, but again we are Islamic and Islamically that was wrong so yes I am fully at fault. I take that responsibility. Never again though, but for now it is mine to bear.
Allah has not placed upon us a burden greater than we can bear. It is a puzzle that we are well capable of figuring out and like was mentioned before maybe this is just the dawn of an entirely new metamorphosis of myself and my family.
Hormones have absolutely nothing to do with it. Regardless of hormones polygamy still would have to be paid for and at both times it was introduced the argument of NOT being able to pay for it so just leave it alone was brought up by myself. What transpired after that was a primarily fear based anxiety of going on in a marriage for 30 years only to be introduced to a hot 30 year old at 60 for my wife, which I emphatically denied. That however was her fear so she pressed forward with someone she knew rather than be forced to deal with someone she didn't know when I finally decided to break my promise when we were fat and financially stable 30 years down the road. This was the impetus behind her pushing for polygamy instead of just saying look, don't do this. You can talk about it but I would prefer you didn't. You can dream about it but this is how I feel when you express those desires. Which would have been entirely more logical adult and rational instead of making sign on names like Polygamy Lover and carrying on like everything was peaches and roses. It is not like I was being difficult or obtuse about the situation. I stated numerous times that I couldn't afford it so let's just forget it, but I suppose the anxiety of the POSSIBILITY ate her alive, and my word was just not good enough. Oh well I won't be making that mistake again. If I'm honest with myself and honest with others then everyone knows exactly what is on the table.
Shukran for your comments.
Sorry but I was talking to everyone not just you. The truth is it takes two to tango and Muhammad didnt have to asnwer any comments. IMHO it just kept things going. I brought up the fact that it is ramadan because we are not suppose to get angry but reading those post got me feeling uncomfortable so I am sure if they were directed at me I would have gotten a bit upset. This is a time for peace and remembering Allah, SWT, not bringing up things that will hurt each other.
ReplyDeleteThe next thing is yeah maybe people think they are helping but really how can you when you REALLY do not know what is going on. unless you live with them you really do not know. it is always his side, her side and the truth. AND in Islam we are suppose to give our brother/sister what like 70 excuses. So where was his. it seemed to me that you and any other ANON poster blamed him for alot and we as readers of this blog are not part of his marriage. We are just seeing HIS take on things.
When we give advice we should do it with kindness and gently not in a harsh tone. We can be firm without being harsh or offensive. that will make the person get defensive and usually they will not get the help we wanted them to get becasue it gets them upset.
We are suppose to help each other and guide each other to be closer to Allah
(103:3) except those who believed and did good works, and exhorted one another to Truth, and exhorted one another to patience.
This is one of my favorite Suras. It reminds us to not only do good and have patientes but we are suppose to help others to do good and be patients AND to be patient with EACH OTHER.
Next time inshaalah you will have patients and speak to him kindly likeyou did me. I am sure you will get a better respons.
Ramadan Kareem to you have a blessed Eid.
yeah, I believe I said this on a latter comment,
ReplyDelete"also, living, giving someone nasiha isn't haram, but it does not translate well on type. Perhaps it seems harsher than originally intended."
Your nasiha is well taken. One of my favorite hadiths is to leave that things alone that do not pertain to us. Perhaps we should all stop writing personal information on blogs and stop giving personal advice on the comment section as well. I am not being sarcastic, I am serious.
The prophet also said, speak the good or don't speak at all.
It's a hard call. Personally, my husband and my friends don't go to blogs and think they are very intrusive and don't know why people write them. I am starting to understand why they say that.
As you have correctly pointed out, they cause fitna.
I was just curious, way back when you both had a blog relating to this subject, was not Sakinah`s blogname "Polygonylover"?
ReplyDeleteYes and you can view that profile right here http://www.blogger.com/profile/11245091670297879652
ReplyDeleteEnjoy