Reconciliation problems and diseases of the heart

If you were to walk up and ask me do I want to get back with Sakinah I would tell you most definitely, but it is just not that simple. There is anger, disgust and betrayal to deal with. There are broken promises and broken agreements to deal with. There is a lot to deal with. The first is that there is absolutely no trust period. I trust her about as far as I can throw the Empire State building I'm sure there are similar feelings on her side. I don't believe anything that comes out of her mouth. EVERYTIME I begin to want to bend towards reconciliation I receive hard evidence why I should let it go. HARD EVIDENCE in other words realities come to light that HURT.

She has her story and I have what I BELIEVE due to personal experience, FACTS and eyewitness reports. The truth is I could accept a lot probably everything except lies. Lies are irreconcilable and since her official story conflicts with what I BELIEVE and all of the evidence that I have before me that is an immovable road block to meaningful reconciliation and until it can be resolved I will always be angry. Because it has not been resolved it stands as a barricade in the way, because I just don't believe her story. Period.

My belief prevents me from letting go. It allows me to LEAVE and just chuck it up to an unfortunate event, but it doesn't allow me to go on in the relationship. Lies are irreconcilable. So the question on the table is can we go on together and the truth is we can, but while I am angry and have unresolved issues it isn't going to work. It just isn't because while I am angry I feel that I DESERVE RESTITUTION. I don't feel obligated to promise anything ESPECIALLY any further assurances against polygamy when and IF I do EVER become financially viable for it. Right now I am content to deal with whatever comes out of the domestic violence and the divorce cases.

The Iddat period has come and gone and I realize she doesn't owe me anything, but that doesn't stop her actions from hurting. If the pendulum of pain doesn't stop then there is no hope, but as of now I don't feel obligated for anything accept keeping my word and getting remarried Islamically, going to counseling and getting to some semblance of normalcy. It isn't much but it is a starting point. The anger has to be resolved though and there is no trust and a ton of suspicion that has to be dealt with. It is not impossible but both of us have taken the actions that we will on the other to be accepted by the other.

There are gross misinterpretations and assumptions that have complicated this issue from the beginning. It was erroneous to assume that she would "be a good wife" and let her husband lead the family in his decisions and be obedient. She's her own person and I have never treated her like this before. If she wanted to she would but she was going through pain or whatever so she didn't. It is doubly erroneous for her to assume after the tremendous amount of pain that she put me through to just jump at her every whim and do whatever it is that she asks me to do and just accept everything. NOT!!! I love her and I was pretty much wrapped around her finger but those days are over, because when trust dies then that is no longer a characteristic of the relationship. The only thing that is left is whenever she calls for reconciliation I stop and look at her actions and I have consistently found that they are not in connection with any efforts of sincerity by my interpretation, and I need you all to understand what is real to me is definitely real and what is real to her is also real so even though she may believe that she has been one way me looking at her actions tell me something else and that for me is REAL.

It has primarily not been hearsay that got us here it has been facts and my feelings. So if we go on and try to rebuild there are some things that are going to have to be worked out. The bold-face lies thing is one thing, but the anger that I have to deal with is another then there are the dangling strings of the rest of the stuff.

I keep thinking back to Domestic Violence class Negotiate, Accept or Leave. We keep coming back to the negotiate table but there are so many things that we won't accept so that leaves us with the reoccurring reality of leaving each other in kindness. Insha Allah He will work it out for the best. I submit to His Will and pray for the best. There is hope, but I think a lot more dua will be needed.

After the DV case we will be going to a couples in crisis program and getting remarried Islamically, but the civil divorce is going through.