Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Reconciliation problems and diseases of the heart

If you were to walk up and ask me do I want to get back with Sakinah I would tell you most definitely, but it is just not that simple. There is anger, disgust and betrayal to deal with. There are broken promises and broken agreements to deal with. There is a lot to deal with. The first is that there is absolutely no trust period. I trust her about as far as I can throw the Empire State building I'm sure there are similar feelings on her side. I don't believe anything that comes out of her mouth. EVERYTIME I begin to want to bend towards reconciliation I receive hard evidence why I should let it go. HARD EVIDENCE in other words realities come to light that HURT.

She has her story and I have what I BELIEVE due to personal experience, FACTS and eyewitness reports. The truth is I could accept a lot probably everything except lies. Lies are irreconcilable and since her official story conflicts with what I BELIEVE and all of the evidence that I have before me that is an immovable road block to meaningful reconciliation and until it can be resolved I will always be angry. Because it has not been resolved it stands as a barricade in the way, because I just don't believe her story. Period.

My belief prevents me from letting go. It allows me to LEAVE and just chuck it up to an unfortunate event, but it doesn't allow me to go on in the relationship. Lies are irreconcilable. So the question on the table is can we go on together and the truth is we can, but while I am angry and have unresolved issues it isn't going to work. It just isn't because while I am angry I feel that I DESERVE RESTITUTION. I don't feel obligated to promise anything ESPECIALLY any further assurances against polygamy when and IF I do EVER become financially viable for it. Right now I am content to deal with whatever comes out of the domestic violence and the divorce cases.

The Iddat period has come and gone and I realize she doesn't owe me anything, but that doesn't stop her actions from hurting. If the pendulum of pain doesn't stop then there is no hope, but as of now I don't feel obligated for anything accept keeping my word and getting remarried Islamically, going to counseling and getting to some semblance of normalcy. It isn't much but it is a starting point. The anger has to be resolved though and there is no trust and a ton of suspicion that has to be dealt with. It is not impossible but both of us have taken the actions that we will on the other to be accepted by the other.

There are gross misinterpretations and assumptions that have complicated this issue from the beginning. It was erroneous to assume that she would "be a good wife" and let her husband lead the family in his decisions and be obedient. She's her own person and I have never treated her like this before. If she wanted to she would but she was going through pain or whatever so she didn't. It is doubly erroneous for her to assume after the tremendous amount of pain that she put me through to just jump at her every whim and do whatever it is that she asks me to do and just accept everything. NOT!!! I love her and I was pretty much wrapped around her finger but those days are over, because when trust dies then that is no longer a characteristic of the relationship. The only thing that is left is whenever she calls for reconciliation I stop and look at her actions and I have consistently found that they are not in connection with any efforts of sincerity by my interpretation, and I need you all to understand what is real to me is definitely real and what is real to her is also real so even though she may believe that she has been one way me looking at her actions tell me something else and that for me is REAL.

It has primarily not been hearsay that got us here it has been facts and my feelings. So if we go on and try to rebuild there are some things that are going to have to be worked out. The bold-face lies thing is one thing, but the anger that I have to deal with is another then there are the dangling strings of the rest of the stuff.

I keep thinking back to Domestic Violence class Negotiate, Accept or Leave. We keep coming back to the negotiate table but there are so many things that we won't accept so that leaves us with the reoccurring reality of leaving each other in kindness. Insha Allah He will work it out for the best. I submit to His Will and pray for the best. There is hope, but I think a lot more dua will be needed.

After the DV case we will be going to a couples in crisis program and getting remarried Islamically, but the civil divorce is going through.


  1. As long as I feel that I am being lied to there is minimal hope in this situation. As long as I feel that I am being lied to I will be angry so at this point the only way that I can see any forward advancement is that she just say ok it is how you say it is, but then I don't know if that is going to work. Thinking about this whole thing just makes me angry. I was fine just two days ago and the events of yesterday just sent me into a tailspin. It always does.

    So angry with her, but anger can be dealt with, but the more I think about it the more angry I get and to top it off moving in with her isn't an adventure in the realm of self-esteem either because she didn't get that place for US she got it for herself. So who is to bow. Why should I be the one to bow when that PLACE doesn't represent anything GOOD. There is so much pain in working towards reconciliation. Pain anger and things that have just been shred.

    I love her, we have had connections that I have never experienced in my life and now all that is left is this gigantic pile of crap.

  2. Ramadan Kareem Muhammad.

    Have you two considered getting back into couseling as a couple to work through these issues. I am not saying that either should be expected to just magically get over transgressions that have taken place, but in order to move forward (either separately or together) you will need to come to terms with the past. I hope that neither of you would let pride or ego stand in the way of healing your family.

    Salaam Alaikum,

  3. Your pain is so palpable, it radiates through the computer screen. I only can hope for you that it will lessen in time.

    If there is so much pain, and anger and lack of trust, why would you agree to remarry Islamically?

  4. Because she is the only woman that I have loved this deeply, Because we have beautiful children together. She is my WIFE and I love her and will continue to do so either together or separately.

    She wants to go to a couples in crisis program and I am looking forward to my Domestic Violence class to work through my issues. Allahu Alim please just make dua for us.

  5. You make me SICK! by saying "It was erroneous (A MISTAKE) to assume that she would "be a good wife".

    You want to get married to her again but you can't even afford to take care of yourself. Asking for donations to help you out financially. You want her and then also toying with the idea of taking other wives. You are commanded by your God to only marry if you can afford to take care of them. And you knew this hurt her by this polygamous idea of yours. This is where your abuse started. You feel you can hurt her but when the tables turned on your @ss you couldnt handle it. Get over yourself! Live and let live! Somehow, she still loves you but yet you want to keep hashing it all out and continuing it all. Thus continuing your abuse towards her. UGHHH! I hope you learn more in class because you seem not to see it on your side. But I see it plainly! You are the abuser.

  6. Masha Allah! I think this is a wonderful step.....Allahu Akbar! There are so many issues that you both have to work thru.......I pray that you both find relief in your situation and are able to work thru the anger and any other residual feelings. Truly your children deserve both their parents.....

    Let Islam be the foundation of your relationship......and go from there......

  7. You know I ask myself why too. The Iddat has passed I don't owe her anything and she doesn't owe me squat so let's just let it ride. With every ear of reconciliation there is a word of confirmation that it is over. Sooo irritated. Why? Because I said I would? What's that song? God is trying to tell you something, Color Purple. It is all good.

  8. Don't get back with her "because you said you would". If you don't want to do it because you truely love her and you want to whole heartedly make it work just tell her that. She is a big girl she will be o.k. with the truth, otherwise you are just dragging out the pain and postponing the healing.

  9. It is not that I don't want to whole heartedly make it work it is just that there is a LOT to work through and from what I see she is speaking to me with a forked tongue. Kind of like she wants this thing but doesn't want to let the other thing go. It would be easier if I could believe her, TONS easier. It would be easier if she never lied to me, but it is what it is. It would be easier if her actions reflected the words that are coming out of her mouth. So doubled with the lies there is a sincerity issue and lastly there is the stuff on my side the hurt and pain and the desire to do whatever I want to do now. I have no desire to do some of the things she wants me to do and THAT is the anger part.

    Yeah I can act like I have amnesia but in the end it hasn't gone anywhere so it is like this unfinished building that everyone is raving about. I don't think that she understands the depth of this situation and the reality of it. My feelings aren't such that can be brushed away after they have been so deeply bruised. Anything is possible, but it will take more than a band-aid and a punch in the shoulder to fix this crappy situation. Yeah I'd love to live happily ever after, but we are going to have to climb mount Everest first. there is no pretending that it doesn't exist.

  10. "You are commanded by your God to only marry if you can afford to take care of them. And you knew this hurt her by this polygamous idea of yours."


    Dear brother,

    I have been following your (and Sakinah's )blog for such a long time...

    I'm really sorry for your situation but I sincerely think that what the above 'anonymous' says is true...

    If you still love her, love your children, please stop playing with the root of fire...

  11. Hi Muhammad.
    Sorry for your pain. Its hard to forgive and move on especially when you deeply hurt. The question is is this the right thing you want in your life? Is she the best thing then work out something that will bring back the happiness but if you cant forgive her and accept it then close the chapter and move on. There is no need of you to keep lying to yourself if you wnat divorce do the whole bit of it dont be married to her on one end and divorced on the other.

  12. Yes Waswisa is the worst. It has caused more grief than anything in this situation. Had I just held my position on the 20th of April I would be feeling much better. However things are what they are. Soon though what ever will be will be manifest and that will take a lot of load off of everyones shoulders.