Wednesday, September 17, 2008

3 digit Death

So now I have all the information before me. All of the police reports are in and everything is manifest, and I for being so honest have probably just screwed myself. I read the police report and the events in it are fairly accurate with the exception of me saying that I wanted to kill her and put her head on a platter. I don't know where that nonsense came from I never said anything like that. It is fine though regardless of what happens or what evidence the prosecution brings I suppose that their case is pretty solid even without her testimony because I have a big mouth so they will probably get a conviction. Oh well, and I found out that my unit have not actually processed a disciplinary action, but have issued a stay of disciplinary action until the case is over. So right after this is over I may get a Captain's Mast for missing work those days surrounding the incarceration.

So in the course of 4 hours 3 digits changed my life. I lost my kids, freedom, possibly my job after 18 years of service, my house (the Farm house is in foreclosure), my credit rating, any chance of contractor work, and unless I make my own company a lifetime of substandard pay due to a police record. Wow you may as well take me out back right now. I'll figure something out. Maybe I will go back to Bahrain and work for my friend. Who knows? I need to finish out my degree while I can.

The future? Well what can I say I am going to talk to my lawyer now and I will see what my options are. Ya Rab Yateenee Ahsan Makhraj. May Allah bless you all. Insha Allah I will find my way free. My Pretrial officer told me that I have to WAIT for her to call before I make any moves. So it basically works like Mother May I. If I don't get a call from her I have to be in a designated place, either at work or at home otherwise I will be facing a warrant. Ridiculous, but I am good. It is all good.



  1. You STILL dream of polygyny?

  2. At this very moment

    At this very moment I am angered from way down deep within
    As I reflect upon the memories broken like pane glass so thin
    At this very moment in the silence of my rage
    I dream of this very thing

    Why should I owe to one
    my sole love and doting on them
    If I am only faced
    with ambush from behind
    Why should I play my chances
    Or should I just be alone
    Why should I give another one
    A sole seat upon a throne

    A throne that is my heart
    While she is perfectly perched
    To wreak total destruction
    and leave me in lurch
    What do I owe the female kind
    I ask in my current rage
    When I am completely played
    Like a fool upon a stage

    Yes it is wrong
    for me to think this way
    I know that my pain
    has not gone very far away
    It comes when it is called
    while looking through the memories
    Then it bring back all the waves
    of the sea of Misery

    At this very moment I think on
    Why should I be so kind
    for all I was was honest
    although naivete and blind
    Now my anger has encircled me
    So maybe I'll search for the one
    Who will take me just as I am
    and make this pain undone

    At this very moment I deserve it
    To be accepted for who I am
    I have no problems staying single
    No plans for today
    For all womankind seeks to hurt me
    So maybe I'll keep them all at bay

    At this very moment I want it
    and the reason may not be kind
    but I am a loving and doting husband
    Attentive and loving man
    who would not want me
    to walk and hold their hand
    And maybe the one who accepts me
    with my skeletons stacked up high
    Will be the one who keeps me
    and that I will never make cry
    Then maybe I won't want it
    but at this very moment I do
    from now I lie no longer
    to mine ownself forever be true

    I have wanted it for the right reasons
    In the past as I reflect
    but now it is for safety
    from this pain I must defect
    Maybe it is not the right time
    as my storm whirls within
    but maybe one will come
    who will calm and soothe my winds

    but at this moment I am angry
    and hurting deep inside
    right now I am humiliated
    and nursing my very bruised pride
    but this moment will pass
    as these moments often do
    then maybe I will be healed
    but to mine own-self be true

  3. A woman would feel the exact same way too. Why do you think you are any more special than a woman that you deserve all the happiness in this world.

  4. I don't think I am more special, there are a lot of people out there in pain. It would be insane for me to think or even dream of being the only one, but this is my pain and this is how I feel. I'm not trying to take anything from anyone else.

    Just my pain, Just my blog, Just my story.


  5. This is my 2 cents.. maybe I am wrong but this is my conclusion. You haven't been around much for your wife to enjoy. Your gone on deployment some and then she knows in the back of her mind that you still toy with the idea of having more wives. So not only are you away sometimes physically but she feels that you are mentally too. You can't never just be happy with her, even though you may express that you are. She still knows that you would also like to be in the arms of another from time to time if it was possible. Thus leaving her confused about your love for her. I believe she loves you but you just weren't there for her. Maybe she became strong and decided to focus on her self and children leaving you out of the picture. Maybe she found comfort in another person that was willing to give her undivided attention and she didn't have to worry that this person would toy with the idea of another. Maybe just maybe. I don't know, I could be wrong. Am not accusing but as a woman who has been through the same things she has. It only sounds logical. We women are created in a way that we want to be loved completely. Its not nice to love someone who claims they love you but would want someone else in his life other than just you. Sometimes it puts us in positions that we never imagined we would be in. Satan knows how to affect us. He knows how to hurt us especially though a man we love. So sometimes we become weak and maybe satan will send someone to pay attention to us. Telling us all the things we want to hear and feel. Things that we need! Things that the husband we love is lacking to give us.

    Maybe it might start out as an innocent chat online with someone of the opposite sex or a coworker. This other person seems to listen and actually show us concern and care. And then it proceeds into something further.. Whether the chat gets deeper or it moves on to a more devious phase.

    Or maybe we just come across a person who listens to everything and trys to help us but we may tell everything about the marriage thus humiliting our husband.

    Anyhow, same with you. You feel you won't be complete in a single marriage. You will need more than one wife to complete your wants, desires and needs. And you were with your wife who isn't a woman cut out for polygamy. And polygamy is something you think about quite often. This is a recipe for disaster. You need to choose someone who is open to this.
    She needed to know and feel like she was your only ONE forever. The only one you would ever think of. She needed to be your queen. Even though you may feel like you done you best to show her that. The fact remains you didn't. You may have not been thinking of anyone in particular, but you still toyed with the idea of having more than her. Which hurt her.
    And for you. You needed her to understand your point of view on it. Though you told her that if she didn't want you to marry another, you wouldn't. But you still had the desire of living in polygamy. And she wanted to be your only desire.
    Anyhow back to you... She couldn't understand you. She was trying to pour water on a flame that was desperately trying to stay alive within you. Cuz no matter how much she didn't want it.. You still wanted it, whether you expressed it or not.

    I know you love her and I feel she loves you.. But if you get back together, would it really work out. Would she still be hurt and you too? but hiding it on the inside just to play happy on the outside? And then one day it all comes out again and explodes.

    Or can you both move on? Can you forget and forgive her shortcomings as well as she forgives yours?

    If she did do something wrong, don't blame her. Make excuses as to why this has happened. Understand that she is the weaker vessel and she needed you to protect her and love her and give up your ideas for her.
    Don't say that you gave them up. Because you still wanted it even though it couldn't happen.

    I keep typing but I feel I can't express what I am really trying to say.. I hope you can understand me.

    May Allah Help you.. Amin

  6. AsSalaamu A’laikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuhu Anon.

    Your 2 cents has been collected and deposited in the bank of my mind, and I want you to know that I appreciate you for it. First and foremost I appreciate your honesty and I am not going to ratify your assumptions as facts but I will analyze them for what they are assumptions. You say that you suppose Sakinah was plagued by thoughts of me wanting to be with another if possible and you go further to say that I wasn’t there for her, and that I couldn’t be happy with only her well I would suppose that would depend on how you look at it. It is not that I didn’t give my wife undivided attention, I did, she also asked me to be completely honest with her. Now the difference between me and most men is that they know how and when to LIE. Sometimes Lying obviously is a prerequisite for a happy marriage. So that is fine. I however am not a liar. If you ask me something and you have the need to know then I will tell you the truth, I may try to sugar coat it at first but in the end the truth is what you will get.

    Sakinah had nothing to worry about. I had given her my word and even if I had women daily asking to marry me I would have said no, however weak and feeble my denial of them the end answer would still have been no. I may have been wrong in telling a few well if it is that serious to you, you will have to ask my wife, I may have been very very wrong on that part, and that is a mistake that I will have to live with, but the fact remains the entrance into polygamy was not in my hands at all. I gave that entirely to Sakinah.

    Now let’s get into your justification of infidelity, again not accusing anyone of anything. Let’s say you did find such a person that was willing to tell you all that you needed to hear. Men want to be the rescuers of the day so all you have to do is tell them your problems and if there is a hint of sex on the other side they will tell you whatever you wish to hear. If you don’t believe me go anywhere and start complaining to a familiar male and he will be all ears. Even if he is just horny he will be all ears at least until the act is over. However now there is a ball set in motion because every action exacts a reaction. In my Domestic Violence class we are taught that we are faced with three choices in any situation. Negotiate, Accept, or leave. This is the situation that we are faced with every day concerning conflict. If said wife was feeling this way from her husband then the optimum thing to do would have been negotiate with him about his position. If she talked to him and he said that he emphatically wanted polygamy and yet chose not to enter upon it due to his wife’s abhorrence of it then she can choose to accept his compromise or leave the relationship. She can’t really negotiate him out of his desire because it may not be natural for him to not desire it. If you marry a homosexual you cannot negotiate his lusts out of him the only thing you CAN do is ask him not to act on them and then accept and trust that he will not and if he does then you can either accept that is something he is going to do or leave the relationship. This is the most humane and halaal way of dealing with the problem.

    However if this is the path that she has chosen and she has chosen NOT to end the relationship, but however find sanctuary in the arms of another then she has in effect thrown the ball back into his court. He can negotiate with her about her affair and express his desire for this behavior to end, he can accept that he is in a relationship where he is competing for the affections of his wife, or he can divorce peacefully. If negotiations fall through and acceptance on either part is not an option then divorce is the only solution to the problem. The love that the couple had for each other will remain if they were truly in love, but the reality of their relationship is lost without a defining foundation.

    If they get back together after such a breach of trust there are certain things at that point that will be manifest.

    1. She really doesn’t have a problem with polygamy, because by cheating she has in fact entered into a polygamous union so the message that is sent is I have no problem with polygamy as long as it is me that is the person acting on the polygamy.
    2. She has LEARNED that it is indeed possible to love two people at the same time yet differently. And that feeling of one relationship does not necessarily alter the feelings in the other relationship. Because she still loves her husband.
    3. She knows what is and what is not fair in a polygamous relationship.
    4. She knows that the ultimate pain of a polygamous relationship lies in lying about the second relationship.

    These are facts that cannot readily be reversed. If woman cheats and still wants to be with her husband who has openly expressed a desire for polygamy this is what she is telling him, whether this is the message she intended to send or not. She may have wanted to just show him how it feels, but at the end of the day this is what she said when you look at it objectively. Maybe she did want to be the number one, maybe she did just want someone who wanted to listen, Maybe. However if that husband despite his ardent desire for polygamy refrained and stayed faithful to his promise then she has just vacated that promise by hurting him deeply and he may in turn seek to find just a woman who will accept him EXACTLY as he is with all of his desires and wants. In reading the extensive blogs and the tremendous surplus of sisters looking for a good man, if the only thing that was wrong with him was that he wanted polygamy, I know for a FACT there are several women who would take this lesser evil. Then she would be left with the fact that if she hurt him deeply enough that he may just seek one of those women out and it is possible that her ONLY quality is that she accept him EXACTLY as he is AND his polygamous desires and just like her needing that shoulder to cry on he will have all that he wanted, and this new woman may NEVER see the other side of polygamy, Ever. She will however have a loving and doting husband and a dedicated father of any children that they have together plus he will be loving to her own children, and all she would have to do is say I know how you feel and I understand and I accept you exactly the way you are. Can I ask you how would that make that hurting man feel? It would make him feel the same way she felt when her boyfriend told her that she no doubt would be the only one. So the pendulum would shift again and the couple would be placed back into the Negotiate, Accept or leave mode that they were in when she was feeling the grief of him wanting an another wife in the first place.

    Then you say that the couple could make nice and go on “like it never even happened” SERVPRO at the risk of it coming out again his desire and exploding. Well it is possible that this couple may need to move on. She knows that there are plenty of men out there that are one woman men and he knows there are plenty of women out there who have no problem with polygamy. Forgiveness is easy, I hold no malice against Sakinah for what she has done to me (not saying what IT is) and Allah knows best how she feels.

    I don’t blame her for anything and I do understand that she is precious, and I still love her…Like nobody’s business.

    May Allah Bless and keep you and may your prayers be accepted this Ramadan. May you be increased in righteousness and your family honored. Amin