Friday, September 19, 2008

A Thing about Love

Love just doesn't evaporate, and love that is deeply rooted isn't going to go away just because a book is closed. It is like a weed that has roots so intertwined in the heart that it is almost impossible to just liquidate. I love the Snot out of Sakinah and that isn't going anywhere, whether we get back together or not. When I would tell her this she would say how is that helping me and then there is silence on my side. That girl man wow, I am going to go on loving her.

You know people say you just have to move on as if they forgot their ipod on a train and the truth is that it is just not that easy. It isn't. In my Domestic Violence class I have met many men who have been blatantly done wrong and others you are like yeah he did it, but the thing is that there is love there. Regardless of how twisted or unhealthy when humans make bonds they are very treasured. I have met people who are in relationships with complete deadbeats and the only thing that stops them from properly dropping their dead weight off at the curb is love. People are willing to endure all kinds of trials and tribulations in the name of Love.

Life would be easy if you didn't believe in love then you could just erase all of the pictures and call it good. I look at our pictures from time to time and realize that we have a ton of pictures. Over 5000 thanks to digital cameras and then we have the printed ones of us and the kids. Looking at them brings back all of the feelings of love and closeness that we shared and you just have to look and you appreciate that.

You know but you have to learn to first love yourself and then you will be able to love someone else exactly as they are, because although they may be refined over the years the core person is the same. Yes people do change and they also relapse so you have to be able to love yourself and then save your energy trying to change someone into something that they just aren't. I would have to say that this is the most frustrating thing in just about any relationship, trying to change people. You just have to let people be and love them exactly as they are. If they are a drunk then you love them just as they are and don't go try to HELP them because you are bound for years of frustration, if they cheat then don't expect them to be faithful, if they are lazy don't expect them to be hardworking if they are overweight don't expect them to lose it, if they are dumb don't expect them to become rocket scientists. Just expect them to be exactly the way that they are because the only actions you have control over are yours. Watch this I am going to try my hardest... Watch... See that you didn't donate to my bills. Watch again... See that, you didn't take off your clothes and dance naked in the living room. You can only affect yourself and no matter how hard you try you cannot affect the actions of another person.

This is the case when it comes to Love. You only are in charge of your ship, not the object of your affection. You can only do you, and not anyone else. Someone asked me in a comment that do I still want polygamy which is a logical question to ask, and now that I am stripped of everything you would expect the answer to be obvious, but let's look at the manual.

3:14 ALLURING unto man is the enjoyment of worldly desires through Women, and children, and heaped-up treasures of gold and silver, and horses of high mark, and cattle, and lands. All this may be enjoyed in the life of this world - but the most beauteous of all goals is with God.

This verse describes to all women what challenges that are halaal that they will be faced with. You will be faced with a man who desires polygyny or flirts, or watches porn or something else that alludes to his obsession with women (granted some of those aren't halaal). Then there is the man who is always coming back to the till for child after child because he believes in heritage and that may or may not include polygamy. The Osama’s come to mind how many children does Papa Osama have? The man who is always after the dollar so much so that his attention at home is distracted so much so that he may as well have another woman because he is always working all the time. The man who is into his hobby and I say that because these are the men who have to have the latest of everything, the fastest car and he is always waxing it or the best computer or Ipod or cell phone something that everyone will say ooohh over. Then there is the man who is always after provision, I don’t have a good definition of what cattle represents but it leads towards sustenance and the acquiring of it and fear of losing it so that it detracts the man from the house. Lastly there is the man that is consumed with the acquisition of power. Ladies let me tell you that YOUR man regardless of his qualities and vices will have ONE of these problems if not more. We all strive to be the best Muslim that we can absolutely be however until we reach the highest state of faith MEN will suffer from one of these desires and only his faith or his promises will prevent him from that. ALL women will have these problems to deal with in their man, even if his Deen is tight I can guarantee you because Allah I can assure you will not be made a liar.

I suffer from a couple on the list Women being one of them and that is something that I need to get resolved either before I get married again or I need to marry someone who accepts me exactly as I am or stay single. Those are my options. Know thyself and be honest and hopefully that will stave off a lot of heartache and having someone spend years trying to CHANGE you. I thought I had it under control, I thought that being honest with Sakinah and keeping my promises would mitigate the effects of my desires but alas it did not. The mere existence of my desires caused real pain as if she was living a polygynous marriage. And the fact is that it still exists even if I never mention it again for the rest of my life if we get back together. It will always be there and she will over the years as she gets older probably become increasingly anxious that one day I will break all of my promises and bring home some young chick and be like hey hon meet your new co-wife. I thought that closing the door on P was good enough, but the damage that was done was the P door was even looked at in the first place and had I known that I would have kept my mouth shut, or created a private blog to vent my issues, but I would have at least insulated her from my desires. There is more but Oh well I think a lot of it would be rambling on at this point.

I love Sakinah and that will never change. I still love my first wife and probably more so now that I have forgiven her for breaking her word, she will have to deal with her Lord over that issue, but the kids are doing well and I appreciate that from her. I don’t know what is going to happen with Sakinah and me, but I love her and that isn’t going to change. Love just is and that is all.


  1. Asalamalaykom,

    Love is messy.

    You are always honest. I appreciate that. Keep finding the truth, which leads you to Allah. If there is a woman going to Allah too, then the two of you meet through Allah. It might even be Sakinah. Inshahallah.

    Take care, Muhammad.

  2. Shukran,

    I believe this very thing may happen.

    Allahu Alim