Monday, March 23, 2009

The Dopamine is Dead

Ok I read it and guess what I figured out. The Dopamine in me is dead. I don't have any cause, I don't want a frigging relationship. So I suppose I am at the resignation stage where the reality of the relationship being over has set in. So I am at a place where there is no more pain and there is indifference that is growing to a point to save the whole me. Depression is gone and indifference remains. So I suppose that I would have healed faster using two methods. A. Find someone else to hump on. B. Taken antidepressants killing any traces of dopamine that develop in me.

Now that I am mostly indifferent there is talk of saving this thing collectively called marriage, but it hasn't resembled anything close to it for some time now. From the conversations it isn't going to resemble anything like it for years to come. I thought that it would be best for my kids if we got back together, but I always wonder, especially now.

I am too sleepy to write anything intelligible maybe I will finish this tomorrow where I can speak clearly.

Ok going on. Funny how more information always adds clarity to a situation. I mean even after the inevitable was made known more of it just brings everything into perspective. So I talked to a good friend who filled me in on a myriad of details and you can't help but feel sorry for someone after finding out something like that. Anyway moving right along. Going off of the paper I suppose that this process has went along as planned. First I prayed for the truth and every which way I turned there it was adding more and more facts on to this situation. Then I went through all of the stages listed in the paper, but really at the end I tried to save it for the benefit of the kids. However that just isn't going to work apparently because the problem that is being dealt with is much deeper than what it is at a cursory glance.

Then I knew about everything and because of TRUE love I chose to swallow a lot and continue on, but then the question came at what expense? Well the detachment things that go into place went into place and even after they were all in place and complete indifference had set in STILL I was willing to make the best of it, but true colors shine through again and again and you can't help but feel sorry and concerned. This whole experience however has been extremely traumatic for me and Alhamdulillah I am still holding onto the Rope. Alhamdulillah. However it has left me without a desire to get married again, EVER. I can only pray for custody of my children, but it will have to come out of a concerted effort between us, because I can't see it happening through the courts. I have placed my trust in Allah on that issue.

Happiness will never find you if you search for it OUTSIDE of your self. If you are never happy with the person you are then you will never be Happy.

Yes from the Paper romantic love has it's qualities, but I ask myself am I capable of Romantic Love again? I'm SO Jaded that I seriously doubt it. Kind of like Hi I'm Muhammad can you take this AIDS test and background screening. Can you agree to a hundred and 1 crazy stipulations at my whim? No one deserves that, so I will just be single. Sure I would probably love to be involved in a loving caring reciprocal relationship, but I'm not holding my breath. I know that if I never open my mouth again I will never have to worry about the stuff I have gone through EVER again.

Thanks for reading:)

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