Monday, September 05, 2011

On becoming a Ho

Wow the location is really off on this thing. Well it is true, I'm finally saying fuck all of the bullshit and just be a ho. Now that my blog is back in my own hands I can write and not worry about anyone reading my shit. I think I'm going to lean on my blog a little more now because being a Ho is lonely. It's really not me but it's going to have to be. It hurts too, a very lonely lifestyle, but no one is going to be hurting me and I can control how ho-ish or un-ho-ish I want to be. I don't necessarily want to be a ho, but I don't want to be alone either. I'm not ready to get married yet. I thought I was but I'm not. I'm broke for one so I'm not looking to be broke for too much longer. If I get married I know that I would be broke so I'm looking to stack my cash.

I've been hurt and I've hurt and thus the game goes in a circular motion. The game is ridiculous and honestly I really don't want any part of it. However it is necessary if you don't ask Allah for that which is right. That is so ridiculous where in I could just ask Allah and call it a day, but I'm not ready to get married right now. So I should be single and celibate. I've already hurt two women in my quest to not be alone. That didn't feel good. If I'm going to do this then I'm going to have to get some thicker skin.

I've been here for almost a month and I haven't went out to take any pictures. I really don't know what is wrong with me. I went to go and see KRS1 the other day and it was totally awesome. He said something that has rung in my head and is just swirling around and around in my skull. Be Real and Accept the Consequences. I have been living less than who I am for a long time and I feel that it is time to put an end to that bullshit. I thought about it some time before I went to the concert and that was in order to make any true progress I need to not be in conflict with my Islamic spirit. There was a khutba on Friday and basically he was reciting the Quranic verses of Have you seen the one who takes his Lusts for His god? It went on about how much of a loser that person was and how it is in fact SHIRK. It hit home with me, but I still screwed up. Sometimes I think I'm going to be one of those people that do good up until a point and then they start screwing up and doing bad so that they land themselves into the Hell-fire. Eww.

So I've been thinking of all of the things that I would like to do and trying to prioritize them all. First on my list is to advance so I don't really have to worry about losing my job. That's A. Second finishing out my degree so that I will have something to fall back on when I do get out of the Service. Third is my photography and doing some of the projects in my head. First I need to write down the scenes that are in my head so that I can articulate them in capture. Then I want to do Dawah, not as a hobby but as a science. Then I would like to retire from my job and become a teacher or a counselor. All things have upright principles and none of them can afford to have their time wasted in dead end relationships. I have a mission statement that is totally in conflict with being a ho. I need to really stop living my life in conflict and become who I really want to be and a Ho is definitely not one of them. A polygamist is but a ho isn't.


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Location:Webster St,Alameda,United States

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