Saturday, January 22, 2011

Asking Allah

I suppose this is where it starts. You get to a point and you stop asking Allah for things. It is very counter intuitive however my state. Most possibly it is the case where one enters into rebellion whether slight or obstinate. It is where you walk off in a huff exclaiming I can do it myself. Allah must laugh at these times if you have ever been in His favor because there is no refuge from Him except to Him and the earth as vast as it is will constrain for you.

So it came to pass in my hour of delusion and pain that I took it upon myself to stop asking Allah. I didn't ask him for a wife because I knew that she would have to be Muslim and I didn't feel ready. So instead I took two girlfriends and one is more resilient than the first. Perhaps it may be that I may marry her. Allahu Alim, but he knows that I don't want to reform someone from their religion so the Deen was never offered. It was never offered and within myself I held them accountable for the deficiency. So how is that fair? Tis not yet I have refused to ask.

I have not asked and felt I could not rely on Him for I felt obligated to Him. Parading around as if I were self-sufficient. Making sure to not forsake my Salaat so that I couldn't be held accountable. Inventing lies for myself, but knowing that this day must come where I tell the truth and realize that there is no escaping Allah. So my faith has been through its lowest point. Now it is time to let go and focus on that which is right.

The inevitable has become known that I must indeed ask Allah for each and everything as if it weren't known before. Kufr when you know and you hide the obvious. Now to turn things around and go the other way. I must ask and the beginning question is should I remain in my marriage and I don't even know which divorce I'm on. Allahu Alim. I don't know if it is the first or second and I doubt boyfriends count as husbands.

I used to be in the habit of asking for everything from Allah and life was life, but I was more at peace and I was hopeful for the help of Allah.

I've read Juz 28 this morning and my Ayat that stick out are:

61:2 O you who believe! Why do you say that which you do not do?

61:3 Most hateful it is with Allah that you say that which you do not do.

61:4 Verily, Allah loves those who fight in His Cause in rows (ranks) as if they were a solid structure.

The Tafsir doesn't directly point out what crossed my mind which is lack of discipline, because when you lack discipline and self control this is what happens. You say a lot of that which you fail to do. Today I will clean my room, Today I will pray all my Nawafil, today I will do something extraordinary whatever and then you don't do it. That is where this verse comes in and if you are A.D.D or bad with time or just lack the balls to get up and do something then these verses I feel apply to that situation. (Please ask a scholar for an official description). Allah speaks of this and I can't help but feel that I will fall into this sin daily and that can get depressing. So ask for forgiveness and move on I guess. Today is a new day and hopefully the paralysis of procrastination and self loathing will abate so that I can get something accomplished that my Lord will be pleased with.

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