Thursday, July 31, 2008

Getting to Acceptance

I went to the counselor on Tuesday and I spent my hour just getting most of it out all the way up to the second polygamy proposal to "The Selected Sister" just when it was starting to get into the current situation my time was up. So I'm sure that my next session will just cover the current situation, by my third session a legal divorce will be finalized most probably. I will keep going because I have to work through some issues and everything. I have to get to the bottom of the polygamy thing and my socialization. This is my second marriage where the subject of polygamy has interacted with other problems and led to divorce. So I think it is about time for an intervention. Maybe I should have just kept the two girlfriends that I had and called it good, they were happy, maybe if I would have just talked to them about it, but my Deen wouldn't leave me alone, so I didn't and plus I wouldn't have such beautiful kids to spend the rest of my life with.

So my ex-wife and I were having this discussion about me and polygamy, where she was saying that she didn't see the correlation between my frustration with a family problem and how polygamy would solve it. Now this is a perfectly logical question, because this is the same thing that happened in the first marriage. There was a situation of frustration in the marriage an unresolvable or reoccurring issue and instead of deciding to come to a cease and desist resolution or going to extensive counseling about the issue I used polygamy or more appropriately the fantasy of polygamy as an escape. Now if I look at it the polygamy thing is twofold there is the therapeutic fantasy aspect of polygamy and then there is the sexual aspect of polygamy. Both issues address two of my core issues as I would think. The first the lack of a feeling of family and loneliness that I felt as an only child of divorced parents so there is a need to be involved in very close intimate relationships. The second because my social skills are so lacking sex (because I started masturbating at a very young age, good news through what I have went through with my wife I have stopped completely, finally) became my only socialization outlet however it was only fantasy based, but as a result my interactions with women have always been very sexual and it satisfied a very basic core need. Now I am a faithful person. I don't believe in spreading love all around town so I couldn't have one-night-stands or anything. I have had them and the suck. I need a deeper connection however I have a hard time in developing those types of relationships. Maybe during this time of healing I will learn to be able to do that. Maybe during this time where I keep everyone at an arms length that is something that I can do. Insha Allah.

So how was polygamy going to solve our problems? How do you go to polygamy from I've got a flat so I need to get an extra wife to fix this? That in essence was the question that my wife proposed to me. At this point I am left to wrestle with making sense of it all. I am left to rationalize if this isn't something that you absolutely needed then why did it come up so much? How serious was this issue? Now I am looking at it as a non-issue because whenever I talked about it, it remained in the far off fantasy place in my head that I created from way back. The core fantasy I call it. It was the same and it never changed for over 30 years. In over 30 years of my sexual fantasy world the fantasy has been the same with slight moderations here and there. Usually only associated to locations on the planet or how it all came into existence but the core fantasy was the same. I was a facilitator of excellence for women, in other words I would take them in from wherever they were, teach them to be their best and excel in whatever field that they wanted to excel in, they would love me for it and accept me and they would be under no obligation to stay, but they would because they loved me, and they would if they so chose fulfill any needs that I had, either singularly or as a team. That is the core of the fantasy there are many other twists and variations of it, but they usually become doctors and lawyers, scientist or engineers, sheikas or whatever. That since the discovery of my happy parts has been the fantasy, obviously starting out very simple and then progressing to the more complex as I aged, but that has been it. I have never fantasized about a monogamous relationship. So that being the case it became my happy place so when there is a problem that is where I go. Nevermind the complete irrational nature of trying to satisfy 30 or more (when the fantasies were really complex) independent professional women. The fact was they all loved me. I suppose in some twisted way my blog satisfies that. Women come here they gain some insight and go off and use it in their own lives with no obligation at all. However I get the most hits off of Dog the Bounty hunter and his mentioning of nigger and how to repair your Dell AC adapter. So actually I'm not that famous, but it feels good to know that around 25 people a day come to check me out and what ramblings I have. Funny after I became Muslim the structure of this harem changed, only four could be wives and the rest had to sign papers agreeing to be possessions of the right hand. Anything to make it work but it had to reconcile with Islam, weird. Oh and lastly I got to keep all of my children from this arrangement, even if after 7 or menstrual period for girls. So many rules.

Anywayz so in these two marriages there was an issue that I was unsuccessful at resolving and it plagued me and I didn't know how to get a resolution to it. So I began to fantasize about polygamy and Big Love really helped it out. Now you can see if I am full of BS or not by reading back through my blog and then you can ask some really tough questions. When you are self-analyzing you tend to rationalize yourself in ways that suit yourself, but reading back you can see where it really all is about. So the polygamy thing created a shift in focus, because in my polygamous fantasy there are never any problems. No feelings ever gets hurt, there are more than enough hands to help out with childcare and the chores and there is more than enough love to go around, and so since we are all together there is this love upon love situation. This kind of a love emanating entity that brings love and peace to all involved, and then there is the sex too, but with a house full of kids how much can that really be? I really hated being an only child which is why I have 5 kids of my own now. I ponder that if I ever get to a point where I am ready to marry again will I have more children. Probably so because I love kids. That however is a gamble. Life though is full of them.

So I ran to my happy place and then of course I was happily married with the exception of this thing that was frustrating me and I couldn't explain how my happy place didn't have to be a reality, and that I wanted it, but it was not that serious or at least not serious enough to destroy a marriage. So this is a delicate situation and in this period of reinventing myself I need to differentiate between resolving issues and delving into fantasy. Maybe I should get a male friend (I have none other than acquaintances) who I can tell the dark secrets of my mind or at least the stuff that would normally upset a wife. Maybe my next wife won't know about my blog. I have a private blog but I never write in it, probably because I am always looking forward to comments.

So problems are problems and they need to be addressed as they are and not deferred to some other smoke screen. I supposed that in my situation I guess that I had hoped that the other wife would have been able to help me handle the original problem while my first wife could concentrate on something else, or that her attention would be diverted and the problem could be solved or maybe I was just trying to run away from the problem altogether, because I knew that I didn't have sufficient funds to marry anyone else and it was just that a fantasy. So insha Allah in the next couple of months I hope to get to the bottom of this psychosis and eliminate it from my life so that IF perchance I get married again I won't make the same mistakes again. I don't think I will get married again legally though because it is a serious hassle and I don't think I will be making any promises against polygamy since OBVIOUSLY it is something that I am interested in. I think I will just leave it as if it happens it happens and if it doesn't then it doesn't, but if it does I will do it right and do my best and love each as best as I can and that is all that I can do.

My divorce I believe is going to go through. We both have some serious issues to work on and I don't think she is serious about reconciling so I have to do what I need to do to make myself a better person and Muslim. We will see. I had a meeting with some friends of mine and in it I went through the Kubler-Ross stages of grief. They went through the details of my situation and said we accept anything that you decide but you have to answer the question "What is it that you want to do, what do you want to see happen" and in pondering that question I went through the stages Denial, I skipped anger because I believe that the situation is attributed to something that can only be redressed with therapy on both parts most possibly, Barganing, Depression at what is going on and what my kids are going through but they are going to be ok and then finally acceptance.

Got to go Grandma has breakfast ready.

2 comments:

  1. Assalaamu alaikum.....

    You have my dua's. Your hurt and pain screams at me from your writing.....I read you and I'm affected by it.

    May Allah grant you ease, ameen!

    You are at a huge crossroads right now, hold firm to your faith.....

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  2. I'm holding on with all that I can. It is a hard road, but mine to walk. Things will be OK Insha Allah. The kids are doing well, maybe one day I will get brave like you and put pictures online.

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