Monday, July 28, 2008

I love her like nobody's business

I'm hurt, pained, jaded, upset, fearful and the list goes on and on, but at the end of the day, I love her like nobody's business. I can't live without her, her nose, her face her smile, her two front teeth, her hair, the way she feels in my arms, the sound of her voice, her big eyes. Like nobody's business. Yes I am afraid of her, yes I have been hurt, but my heart doesn't care. It is ridiculous. I have never been in this place, and it is not getting better. Today and yesterday were my time to cry and beg and plead, but she said no, at least to that day. Now we have to review the testimony of the experts who aren't going to tell us anything that we don't already know. We can't forget, we are stuck in a hole and can't move on. At the end of the day I love her like nobody's business.

My heart takes the slung mud and makes them into bricks and it says that these are the bricks that we will use to build a new house. It takes the broken glass and lays it into a beautiful stained glass mural of a new beginning. It takes the stench of the fecal matter shaytan has spread all around and uses it for fertilizer in a beautiful garden arrangement. At the end of the day I love her like nobody's business.

I have never loved so hard before. Everyone else was early dismissal, a walk away relationship. I cannot fathom being here with anyone else. I'm so hurt, but I love her so much. The tears pour out of my face and I thought the last one was gone, but it is like a tsunami or something. I've cried so much I can't piss. I can't let her go, I don't want to. She is like a tiger, very beautiful and majestic from afar. However up close and personal she can hurt me like no one else can on this planet, and no one ever will be able to again. At the end of the Day I love her like nobody's business.

I need to get away and take some time. I'm going to ask her to take the kids or have my Mom watch them tonight so that I can go and see the sunset and possibly pray in the Masjid for Isha, but mostly just some time to think. She feels so good in my arms, I cannot imagine anyone else in them sleeping so peacefully. Then I want to just go over there and love it all away, but I suppose we need to get married again Islamically. I love her, just the way she is, with all of her flaws and bad qualities and good ones. I love all of her fears and I accept her just the way that she is. They say if you love someone set them free, and so you try and it is the hardest thing to do. Maybe I should just let her go and spread her wings and shine on and be the beautiful person she is. I don't own her and all my marriage I have held her with an open hand and even though she has sunk her talons into me so that my hand is bleeding, still, at the end of the day I love her like nobody's business.

It is a travesty of the justice of love to let this go, but maybe it is something that we must both accept, but I know this from now until they put me in the ground no matter how ugly things get between us, at the end of the day I will still love her like nobody's business. And that is the truth.

I love you Sakinah, know that.

2 comments:

  1. "no matter how ugly things get between us, at the end of the day I will still love her like nobody's business. And that is the truth" I've never heard of someone wishing their beloved be struck down with vengence.

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  2. I do still love her like nobody's business and it was not me who said that God would strike her down with vengeance.

    This affair is out of my hands and I have been shown that several times. I have tried to reconcile and immediately after that I was given evidence why I couldn't. The hand of Allah is in this completely. It is Allah that has consistently prohibited any kind of reconciliation at all. It could possibly be because of oaths that were made, self inflicted curses of Allah, but if Allah has something for you there is nothing that anyone can do to prevent you from it and if he keeps something away from you there isn't anything that anyone can do to give it to you even if the whole world tried.

    I know I have tried to reconcile, I have bent my heart, I have searched for excuses and when I could find none I made some up. I have heard damning testimony I have seen the obvious with my own eyes and still I have tried to reconcile. No I think that the events that transpired on Monday was Allah's last straw at separating me from the events that are yet to come. I don't wish vengeance on her. I fear for her for I have no idea what Allah is about to do, but I know he wants me nowhere around when it happens. He wants me far away so I thank Him because it is probably for my protection and the protection of my children.

    I know I tried. I looked the other way. I turned the other cheek. There is a verse in the Quran that speaks of the situation my wife and I are in and there is a very clear order of what to do and it was Love that caused me to ignore it over and over again, but through this I cried to Allah and He has heard me I know it. There is nothing that I can do this Affair is totally with Allah at this point. I couldn't change anything if I wanted to. He has withheld my hand. He has silenced my mouth. The morning is neigh and there is nothing that I can do against His decree. There was Sodom and Gomorrah and I didn't look back, but I stopped in my steps hoping that she would come, but now there is nothing that I can do for her and I fear for her because I love her, but this affair is out of my hands. So I can only hope for the promise of Allah and I pray that He has mercy, but at the end of the Day we are His servants and He will do with us what He will.

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