Friday, July 18, 2008

The hardest NO

Yesterday she asked me again to take her back and I had to say no. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I still love her from the bottom of my soul, but it is what it is. A small consolation happened shortly thereafter. What I was told by Allah was made manifest so I realize that it was the right decision. He had told me all along, so I know that there is something waiting for me at the end of this trial.

Subhannallah Patience is how you handle the hard news when you first get it. I mourn the end of my family, I hurt for my children, I hurt for myself. Love lost is bad, Real love lost is a travesty of monumental proportions.

I truly love her, and I realize that it will take a while to get over it, but get over it I must. Allah has a way of restoring your heart so that you can love again, but this time I will take my time, Insha Allah.

The papers are ready for signing, now the true discomfort starts. May Allah help us both through. I pray that Allah makes this transition quick and painless like a Janaza instead of long and drawn out like a Christian funeral. 3 days is more than enough time to put this loved one to bed.

The gripping reality of no comments is pretty telling, but I will continue to post, because it is therapeutic. I'll be getting the children into counseling and I have to go to this divorce class before all is said and done.


  1. Ask Allah for his promise of ease after suffering.......I'll make dua for your family.....

  2. salaam alayk, brother, your posts are confusing and annoying, how do you goon telling people you love a woman so much that you would rather not be with her? and then start rambling about the pain of being divorced? Except your wife has committed shirk or adultery, I don't understand why you would ever think it is better for your children if you are divorced? and she is even begging you to take her back? I don't know the details of your life, but I hate the way you are forever talking about sex and love and pain, and i wish you can just stop shut up if you don't have anything good to say.

  3. First of all I know for a fact I haven't talked about sex in quite a while the details of my life have dictated that. The love that I feel is real and the pain that I feel is more so. You are supposed to cover your brothers faults, but know that I do still love my wife, and no we are not going to make it work.

    The whole if you don't have anything good to say then don't say anything at all is pretty good advice. It keeps you from being addicted to complaining.

    I'm getting counselors for my kids, they are having a hard time, especially the 5 year old. I do wish that it could go another way, but it is what it is, over.

    I missed Jumah today, I was running all over town. Now I see why women are exempt from praying in the Masjid. My son went to sleep right before Jumuah and I had to go and get the retainer check cashed for the lawyer so I had to run all around Miami and in the course of running I missed my Jumuah. Ewww.

    I signed the papers so now they just need to be served. She found the the receipt for the retainer in the diaper bag today and that was kind of a reality check for us both. The kids are upset. She asked again for reconciliation but things have gone too far.

    I have found that your heart though doesn't really give a damn what is happening to you, when it loves someone, or what they've done. Jeffrey Dahmer's Mom still loved him and wanted the best for him, even though he was a beast. Love goes on through all of the trash and it hopes like nothing else. Yeah I love my wife, make no mistake about it, but it is over.

    And about my sex talk, all of it is exclusive to acts done or will be done with my wife/ wives. I don't spread my love all over town.

    Thanks for the comments.

  4. A good friend of mine said that it is all ego why I would make a decision like that, but in the end I don't know if it is ego or justice. I lend towards justice.

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  6. Salaam alayk, I know my first comment was harsh, I apologise. I have been married for 6 years like you, but for my husband and I, divorce IS NOT and is never going to be an option insha Allah, because we have 3 children. We both came from broken homes, his situation being worse than mine in that His parents got separated[not divorced] before he was born. I have felt all the pain, difficulties, shame and other trials peculiar to children not raised by both parents because of Polygyny that went wrong and I tend to take it personal, maybe overreact when i see parents who for whatever reason are putting their children through that when they can avoid it. I suppose whatever reason you have for not wanting to get together again must be very strong in your heart, and I pray Allah ease your task and give you all the best.

  7. @ummabdur-rahmaan, thanks for your comment. I'll take note.

  8. Dear Muhammad,

    I am reading you and comment when I feel I can say something useful or encouraging. I do feel so sorry for what you are all going through and find myself wanting to ask you if you are sure you cannot work on a reconciliation. If you are certain then you are right to stay firm and do what you can to help the kids through this time. The more love and respect you and Sakinah can treat each other with, the easier it will be in the long run for everyone.

    As for Mena, I would suggest you not read blogs that seem to disturb you so much. And also, consider that a blog is a little window into someone's life that they choose to open. It is not for us as readers to demand they open it more than they choose.

    Salaam Alaikum.

  9. Broken homes, yeah we all know what it is like. Believe me we have been plugging holes in this marriage for years. We were doing fine, but then we hit that frigging iceberg, twice and all of the engineers were ashore. So we are sinking and the help swimming as fast as they can, but they keep drowning so it doesn't look like we are going to make it. Thanks for commenting everyone. It helps even the negative ones.

  10. Oh yeah the heart doesn't care, how bad it is, but the intellect has to say hold on wait let's think about this and the intellect has won out on this one.

  11. assalamalaikum, if you love her just a bit and she wants to try again to make the marriage work, just go for it!! don't loose this love, it's once in a lifetime that you feel like that!! Don't waste it!!!

  12. assalamu alaikom brother. You don't know me but I come by and visit your blog often. I rarely note anyone, which is a lazy habit of mine. Inshallah, I will make dua for you and your family. I only wish the best for you all.
    Anyhow, May Allah Bless, Comfort and Help you and your family in this time or trials and needs. Ameen

  13. assalamu aleikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakathu,

    I used to visit this blog a long time ago when Imagination Procrastination used to have a blog and she knew you and your wife.

    So, I came by and read some of your current posts to find:
    "I asked for the desire of polygamy be removed and at this point in my life I can honestly say that I don't want anything from any woman."

    Too bad you couldn't do that earlier in your marriage-not desiring polygamy I mean.

    And alhough you now say that you don't desire anything from any woman, it seems like you asked a LOT from your wife.

    Well, you know what they say...a bird in hand is better than ? flying...

  14. I didn't ask anything that wasn't offered first, and even then I said it wasn't that serious.