Wednesday, July 02, 2008


I have hours to go before I can return home. It seems as if it is a purposeful torture endurance test. I finished my check-out of the base at 1100 and my flight is at 1700 I won’t get home until 2300 tonight. It is ridiculous. So I just sit and hold myself with all my might to keep from bawling like a baby in a corner somewhere. It hurts when you know you have to put it all down and prepare to start over at some point in the future. Even now though you know that life isn’t going to stop. Bills won’t stop coming, kids need attending to, dinner needs to get made and clothes need to be washed and folded. Life goes on inevitably. I have to make a concerted effort to fight depression at all costs, but at the moment I am very depressed. I get more depressed with each leg of this journey. I have to hold it together for my kids. They will want to see me happy, but my heart is broken so I don’t know if I can accommodate them at least not for the long haul. Life will go on and this too shall pass. I’m not getting married again. I gave my whole heart and now there is none left to give to anyone else. Maybe in time I can have a heart transplant and try it again when I am old and gray and I… whatever.


There is beauty in this day, but sadness in my heart

A broken heart is blinded to see the blessings of this day

Prayers for assurance and endurance of Pain

Help me Lord make it through

I cannot enjoy the songs of the free birds, going along in song

Nor marvel at the majestic trees so strong and full of peace.

The laughter of children fall on deaf ears

But I am blessed

The pain of a broken heart torn deep from inside

The Decree of Allah so I must abide

To accept and endure this pain and seek

To learn the lesson dealt

For all consumed my pain is felt

To the core of my soul now ripped apart

It is so painful and yet only the start

No life is different

Life is new

Oh Allah please help me through


Please help us through

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