Monday, July 25, 2011

Brave New Yonder

I've learned that writing for me is more important than I think. I have to write. It declutters my mind and allows me to focus. Now that all of my readers have vanished I must keep writing. Now without the possible phobia of others reading my thoughts. I've made my blog a little more anonymous, probably will shift into full anonymous mode in the upcoming months, or at least not as openly published, but easily found.

I recently went to a trip to see a sister. I had a great time, but the heart breaking thing is not knowing. I don't know what she wants to do and surprisingly that hurts. I asked for her hand a little impulsive but I asked nonetheless. It was too early and all wrong but I didn't really feel that I had an option. I'm leaving to go across the country and how it was going to happen with me going over to the west coast I can't really see happening anytime soon. So I asked kind-of-sorta. Is it the logistics, or the fact that it is too soon. Is it that the external brakes are put on to save me from certain doom and help me focus on some of the other things in life that I need to focus on. Like finishing my degree, rebuilding my Deen, losing my gut. All seemingly more important than getting married.

The problem though is that I love being married and I hate having girlfriends. I really do. I would rather go to bed with a wife rather than a girlfriend.

I had a delightful time though. I didn't get many pictures or sleep but all and all I enjoyed every minute of my trip. She showed me her home and her town. It really was a nice city. i went to a spoken word show and I am seriously thinking of developing some material. For those who don't know it is an extreme turn on to sit amongst a 15 to one ratio of beautiful educated sensual women. Very nice. I think I can do it. There wasn't much sexual tension between us. I think it helped that she was on hayd so the very thought of possibility evaporates.

There is an impulsive time with me where uncertainty and fear overcome me and I make decisions contrary to the way I'm feeling. right now I am feeling very vulnerable and afraid. She hasn't called me today. Not like she usually does this has created an anxiety in me and i have two choices of how to handle it. I could let it ride and assume that she has looked on or I can completely stress myself out and become a bug-a-boo which isn't my style. Right now I think I will just relish in what was. Something that was beautiful and reminded me that yes I can love again. I can be sincere with someone. I can be real and I can send Love. So until she sends those nourishing clues that she is still there I'm just going to chill.

Funny I say that I'm the single polygamist but I don't search the globe constantly looking for the next wife on the list. When I'm engaged with someone that is the only person that I'm engaged with. in this situation I have some remnant relationships out there but the beauty of Islamic encounters is there is no in between. No girlfriend/ boyfriend drama. Just marriage, either leap or stay on the shore.

One thing that I miss though is the kiss that was one thing that I wanted to take away from my sitting, but it is best that I didn't because I would truly be going insane right about now. I love kisses. I really love kissing. There was none of that. Damn.

So I'm reminiscing of her, still wanting that kiss. Still wanting to hold her close to me and drink in her smells in myself. To hold her soft little hands and look into her brown pool like eyes. Her smile, her color coordinating outfit. the swag of her dress and her stilettos. IShe was so beautiful. Her attentiveness was just so southern a belle through and through. If it doesn't work out I'm so glad I met you. Well I got to get back to work now. I have to write a lousy paragraph and it is taking me days to knock this out.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

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