Friday, August 05, 2011

Being Real with myself.

I know I have promised to write in my blog and it has been pretty much left for dead, but now I need it again. I have come to a point where I need to be real with myself. The tides have went back and forth about who is going to have the children and it is a battle that I have seemingly lost. I don't have the funds to embark on a lengthy or short custody battle. I don't have enough evidence and the last mutual agreement that would have given me my children for four years has gone up in flames. It is funny though that you have to be careful for what you pray for, for my loss may have inadvertently been answered by one of those prayers. I reflect on that often when examining my options.

We are in the process of heading across country. My son has tried to kill himself once with his fearless spirit. He needs to listen I am not always going to be there to protect him. My kids are having a good time despite the educational nature of our St Augustine stop. I have been to Sea World and Disney already. St. Augustine which is completely out of the way I felt was a necessary stop. I wanted to go to Fort Mose though to see the exhibit but we have screwed up our time table and everyone sleeps until 11 or so. I sleep wake up for Sohur and then go back to bed. I am behind in my reading with the intention of making it up today. We will see Insha Allah.

I am talking to a sister for marriage and things are going well. I feel that it is too soon but I have already asked the question. The tension between us is high and the desire for each other is present. It is a very beautiful place where we are today. I have confessed that I am a polygamist and she has confessed that there will be none of that. I have stated that I will not embark on such a path and not bring it up and everything and I was fine with that until last night. Last night the questions came to me. Muhammad you are a polygamist. You're Not a player though but you are a polygamist. You desire dedicated relationships that are deep and you desire affection and love and nurturing. You love it. Saying that you don't is wrong. Then trying to live without it then begins to get in the way. You think about it, and you think about it now more than you did before. You want to be married fi sabelellah, you don't want girlfriends, but frankly it is much easier to have two girlfriends than it is to convince to perfectly sane women to be your wives. Or is it?

Sakinah has decided to take back the kids to live with her. The decision has i'm convinced been entirely based on her newly constructed living arrangement which when I began thinking about it I'm completely jealous of. That's when I knew that the polygamy thing will always probably be a problem for me. A part of what has been going on between her and I has been jealousy based. She's had multiple partners and menage a trios and some other things that I'm not entirely interested in and I have honestly just been jealous. I get jealous not to a point of green with jealousy but just like damn when is it my turn. I remember being happiest in my relationship with two women of which I didn't have to change, but I did out of my own conscience. I enjoyed that experience very much. It is a relationship that I regret ending. Had it been halal I never would have ended it. I would have lived happily ever after.

Now that I'm older and have the possibility to be more viable as a man. I'm going out west without any children or attachments and I can only wonder what if I were to meet someone shortly after I get there. It would make my current relationship that I'm embarking on undergo a very real strain. I know however deep down inside I want two women openly. I don't want to be lying and hiding and courting the edge of the truth. I want two women whom I love and they in turn love me. To me that would make me the most happiest. Of course I have never been in a situation like this for the long haul. The time I spent in a relationship close to that it was beautiful. I didn't want it to end. It had to though. I felt that somehow it would have liberated a part of me that I myself was afraid of.

I confessed to her that I was a polygamist and she took caution and rightfully so. She asked "how do you know that you can live without it" and I said that I know, but I was speaking out of all of the pain and agony that I had experienced. In a natural normal relationship though without all of the drama that I have been through the reality is yes I'm a polygamist, because it is what my heart is inclined towards.

I'm screwed. I'm either damned to have a long stream of girlfriends or be alone because of my desires. So I ask myself why do I get excited. Like last night she had another woman was in her presence and the very fact that she was present made me more excited and that's why I started thinking about it wait Muhammad what are you doing you know that you are a polygamist. You know you want multiple women in your life. You are happiest when they are around. You love the tension of being with one woman faithfully and having her friends come in close proximity. It isn't something that is a passing fancy but it just really turns me on. This has always been the case. So maybe I really need to separate a turn on from a day in and day out commitment of a plural marriage.

Now though I must weigh the decision of completing the marriage or coming out of the closet and confessing my sexual complications and my desire for polygamy.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:N Davis Hwy,Pensacola,United States

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